iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

i have insane thoughts turning them to insane actions is risky the forever struggle

it genuinely feels like i have been moments away from a full psychotic break for weeks now. like where i will burn all my bridges and truly destroy what little it feels like i have left i just don't know. i really don't know. i'm insane i think

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its like the first 4 stages of grief but neverending and all at the same time i'm running out of options as i always am. it really does feel like every day i am lucky to have made it through i'm not doing self isolation but it still feels like i am. i feel so empty and alone. just kill me now man

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i want to scream but i must control myself if i tell myself i am okay and that everything is okay over and over, surely one day i will believe it right? i have been so incredibly volatile and i just internalize it all. i'm tearing myself apart. i don't know what to do, i'm so exhausted, wanna kms

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i feel like i'm going insane. like i need to smash my head into everything etc blah blah blah i am in pain

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nothing like shaking and sobbing uncontrollably am i right haha fucking kill me i'm so tired let me die existing is so exhausting and it's not really worth it

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yeah last nights dreams are just a today reminder that i am still in intense pain and i am just pretending i'm not a reminder that there is no escape and that i am delusional a reminder that the void has already swallowed me whole and i'm just coping that i still have time i want to die so bad

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Artemis @artemis64talks.bsky.social · 30/10/2025

had a dream that was nice but effectively taunting me of things i cannot have fuck you. already suffering enough let me at least pretend to recover

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i think i wanna explode i don't like this i both want to be normal and i also want to stop pretending to be normal i want to stop the noise

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Artemis @artemis64talks.bsky.social · 29/10/2025

idk my brain moves too fast. i want to not be alone

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Artemis @artemis64talks.bsky.social · 29/10/2025

i am so incredibly frustrated and upset. nothing goes right ever and i can't stop thinking about the same bullshit over and over. i don't want to live in this timeline anymore

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Artemis @artemis64talks.bsky.social · 28/10/2025

im gonna throw up i hate all of this i don't want to live like this anymore. i want to die. i don't know if i can ever forgive myself

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Artemis @artemis64talks.bsky.social · 28/10/2025

i feel like a shell of myself i feel like my soul was forcefully ripped out from my chest it feels like no matter how i try to recover, there will be a constant stinging reminder of every mistake, every moment that led me to this point. a reminder that i do not deserve literally anything. kill me.

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Artemis @artemis64talks.bsky.social · 28/10/2025

why is emotional regulation so difficult i wanna be stable

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i know therapy doesn't magically fix things instantly, but i really hope we get through a lot tomorrow.

i thought i was safe, and when it was even threatened at all, i exploded i want to be better. i want to be the person everyone thinks i am. but now i need to not kill myself. and i genuinely wish that it didn't feel as difficult as it does. the only person that can improve me, is me. im trying.

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one of the reasons i write is because it forces me to focus on my emotions. it forces me to express them through text, rather through a more self destructive way. i hate that i am as insecure and paranoid as i am. i hate that i need constant reassurance. i hate that i can't handle being alone

and even then, when i still had the chance, i pushed and pushed and made it worse and worse. i broke promises, i lashed out, i was the person i was always terrified that i am. i want to be okay, i want to be normal, i want to be better. i want to have the void in my life SHUT THE FUCK UP

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i feel legitimately insane and delusional that i am still this emotionally affected. i feel like it is pathetic that i cant function nearly as well because of a single person. i know i was trying to not be reliant on anyone, and trying to get help, but i did not get it in time to prepare me for this

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i feel like it's even further my fault for not knowing my own mental health problems and disclosing them. i didn't know why i was like this, and i know the "why" isn't an excuse for what happened, but i feel absolutely terrible that i couldn't have given a warning about it before anything happened

i am trying so incredibly hard not to be self destructive, to not burn any bridges further than i have, to be stable by myself. i really am i promise i really promise. i just fundamentally cannot do it. i try and i cant. i will learn through therapy how to but i am really really struggling right now

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i'm just the most upset at myself, repeatedly. the only resentment that's ever built is just more and more towards myself. i don't forgive myself for causing this. i don't forgive myself for how i've dealt with it. i don't forgive myself for hurting everyone more, including all these posts

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what am i supposed to do? i don't know how NOT to feel isolated. i was always told "just go spend time with your friends" I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS THAT CAN EVEN REMOTELY FILL THAT VOID. IT'S NOT THAT EASY FOR ME. I PROMISE I TRIED BUT IT JUST ISN'T THAT SIMPLE, I'M SORRY. WE ARE NOT THE SAME IN THAT WAY

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like i know i can't go back to how things are, and that's just how life is now. i will struggle for a long time to forgive myself for that i just cannot stop my brain from telling me i am left to die i am trying my best to shut it up, and doing what i can to convince it that everything is fine

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it's the same cycle over and over. i feel okay and then my brain decides i've had enough and reminds me of the isolation and all my failures it really is all my fault, isn't it. i can't control my emotions and keep burning the bridge further and further i really can't live like this i just can't

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I WANT TO BE NORMAL PLEASE LET ME BE NORMAL I HATE MY BRAIN I HATE MYSELF PLEASE MAKE THE NOISE STOP PLEASE IT'S SO LOUD

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i feel like i need to throw up i feel so isolated and like i can't share my interests with basically anyone it'll be fine i'm just complaining

Artemis @artemis64talks.bsky.social · 26/10/2025

i made it through another day i feel okay, too. i fluctuated throughout the day but i didn't crash out at a single point. i hope that one day again, this will be the norm, and that i never fall back to this point again. it's a hard ask, but i have hope. i will do it for them, if not myself. gn

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Artemis @artemis64talks.bsky.social · 26/10/2025

i looked at myself in the mirror and thought i looked cute i never think that i lifted my own mood with that

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the mental health recovery journey is a lifetime long and that is okay progress isn't linear either i will get better

i know what was said in the past and i believe it, but i am concerned that now that we are in the now, that it doesn't still apply. it is fine if it doesn't, but i am unable to figure it out because i cannot get my brain to tell me its insane, if it applies to me, my brain just shuts down logically

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main goals: 1. do not share my endless insecurities. they are my own to deal with 2. learn how to deal with everything without anyone. that has been a goal for a long time but i have yet to learn 3. learn to stop/suppress my intense hatred towards myself do that and things will improve. sorry again

today is the day and nothing is different. which is good. why does my brain convince me the world is going to end all the time, it's not fair i am fine, at least somewhat. it's just another day, i've lived many of these already. all i have to do is not shatter to the point where i lose the pieces

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I went and played games and blasted music and everything calmed down. I once again felt like things were okay i hate this so much. i wish i could control these emotions better. that burden is entirely on me but i am lacking the tools for it right now. i hope therapy kicks into gear cuz i need it to

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i am trying so hard to be okay and i don't think i am ready to do that alone

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the garage door didn't even fully shut after saying bye to my parents before i became completely hysterical i could not stop sobbing or hyperventilating on the entire drive. i screamed as loud as i could. i'm so scared, i feel so isolated and alone and i know everything is my fault

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i am literally seconda away from fully breaking down but i can't in front of family

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yeah i can feel it but like, wait until i get back home

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okay if i AM going to explode or something, i need to wait

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how does mental stuff make me feel like i need to throw up ???? makes no sense i'm fine, i will continue to be fine. just not ideal

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like yeah it hit me again but i refuse to fall apart today

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its gonna be alright, even if i check constantly hoping for a different result, i will survive

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Love Me - Felix Cartal & Lights Snakes & Ladders - KUURO & Bianca Sail Away - Teminite Fireflies - Teminite & Starr Chen Gasoline - Halsey MIRAGE - Takanashi Kiara Skeleton - Tails & Inverness Heart Afire - Defqwop Don't Come Back Here - KIRA Papercut - Zedd & Troye Sivan

the mood songs today: Pain Killer - Grabbitz Dead Man Walking - Grant & Ellis Die Hard - Stela Cole I Feel Like I'm Drowning - Two Feet Die For You - Mori Calliope Now or Nevermind - Stela Cole STREET GARDEN - Skybreak Willow Tree - Cadmium How to Get What You Want - Elise Trouw

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