JERUSALEM—Shedding new light on the religious leader’s personal life, historians announced the discovery of new evidence Friday that suggests Jesus Christ made an annoying smacking sound after every sip of wine. “We’ve recovered a portion of a previously unexamined ancient text that details Jesus of Nazareth blessing some wine, taking a ceremonial swig from the goblet, and then making a loud tongue-clicking sound with His mouth,” biblical scholar Fatima Harisi said of the contents of a tattered Aramaic scroll, which was likely used as a source text for the New Testament and which describes all 12 apostles cringing and rolling their eyes at one another when Christ engaged in the behavior. “While there is some speculation as to whether the Son of God had chronic dry mouth or whether this was just how He involuntarily expressed a feeling of refreshment, the text clearly implies that it happened all the time, mentioning that His followers often became distracted during Jesus’ lectures once they noticed the aggravating tick. Rarely have we seen a personality trait of Jesus Himself rendered in such meticulous detail, with one passage including a hand-marked tally of how many times He did it over the course of a single dinner. The text also states that Jesus followed the lip-smacking with an emphatic moan that was ‘as unsettling as it was irritating,’ but still ‘slightly less infuriating’ than when He gargled it.” Harisi went on to read several additional passages that detail complaints about Jesus ‘shaking the whole goddamn table’ by constantly jiggling His leg.

VATICAN CITY—As he called on the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics to pray for the bonds restraining the messiah to hold fast, Pope Francis warned Tuesday that the seals on Jesus’ tomb were weakening and Christ could escape at any moment. “Citizens of the world, brace yourselves, for soon the Risen Lord will roam the earth anew, unleashing death and destruction on everything in His path,” said the pontiff, adding that the Vatican had worked for centuries to keep Jesus safely bound and locked away in His crypt, but Church teachings had long foretold He would one day come again to visit His murderous wrath upon the children of God. “The death toll could be in the millions. Once Jesus has broken free, no mortal force can contain Him, and He will not rest until His ravenous blood lust has been sated. As we speak, our most powerful cardinals are in the catacombs blessing the seals with all their might, but we don’t know how long they can hold Him back. The King of Kings has finally been roused from His ancient slumber and is ready to feed.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly yelling for everyone to save themselves after Jesus had burst forth from His tomb and devoured a group of Swiss Guards that was futilely stabbing Him with their pikes.