At last - a pair of socks that exactly summarise my footballing ability! 😅
Andrew Okey
@andrewokeyauthor.bsky.social
733 followers 720 following 199 posts
Author of literary historical fiction. Winner of the 2025 Paris Prize @ Farnham Literary Festival. Mountain photographer. Thalassaphobe. #t1d. Hull City fan. Lives in Lancaster. MA Creative Writing, Lancaster University
![cartoon for the guardian by Stephen Collins - script as follows:
[Scene is a darkened LOFT. Amongst the boxes and junk are FOUR KNACKERED OLD FANS - three tower fans and one circular, with cracked grey plastic and buttons missing. One fan, TOWER FAN 1, is a bit taller than the others, and is addressing them]
1
TOWER FAN 1:
Right lads, get ready.
2
TOWER FAN 1:
This is our time.
3
TOWER FAN 1:
The time when we remember who we are, and why we’re here.
4
TOWER FAN 1:
We are the four crap fans in a British person’s loft,
and we are here to make absolutely no difference whatsoever.
5
TOWER FAN 1:
I know what you’re
thinking, lads:
6
TOWER FAN 1:
Surely this will be the year they finally replace us?
7
TOWER FAN 1:
Our plastic’s gone all brown... I haven’t oscillated since 2018...
8
TOWER FAN 1:
Dave here sounds like a spitfire and blows like a sad cat’s sigh…
TOWER FAN 2:
Cheers mate
9
TOWER FAN 1:
But no. These people are British, and every year, they forget the sun exists.
By the time they remember,
new fans will cost *four million pounds* on Amazon.
10
TOWER FAN 1:
So we’ll be back down there... shovelling thick air across the moaning faces of a species that cannot comprehend the concept of air conditioning, or even just closing the curtains when it’s hot out...
11
TOWER FAN 1:
...while they incessantly bang on about normally hot countries which this country is now temporarily a bit hotter than.
12
[The loft hatch opens and a person comes up the ladder]
PERSON:
APPARENTLY IT’S HOTTER THAN GREECE, LISA](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidbpfu2ioghspjcg4xitzv655jzjwp5lgxk5hi3ag7sechgh222ze)
![[Scene is the Tudor royal court. ladies and gentlemen standing round. In the corner a very fat HENRY VIII is hunched over playing a lute.]
1
LADY:
Hey Anne Boleyn -
Who’s that lute player?
ANNE BOLEYN:
I dunno
[Determined face]
But I’m gonna find out.
[Title lettering panel]:
THIS SUMMER
[Scene is now two musicians - one with a harp, the other is Henry VIII again playing the lute]
HARPIST:
Yo Henry VIII -
Who wrote that sick lute riff yo’ jamming?
HENRY VIII:
Why...
[Looking around, modest, surprised at the attention]
I did…!
[Title lettering panel]:
SEE THE STORY
[Scene is now a tudor record producer with ruff and wearing dark sunglasses]:
PRODUCER:
Congratulations Henry
Your lute thing is a hit and your story is now one of uncomplicated musical success!
[Show a panel with lots of Beatlemania-style scenes of success for Henry the musician - swooning tudor girls, playing lute on stage, waving to fans as he descends from his golden carriage. In the middle of it in Tudor lettering are the words]:
“UNCOMPLICATED MUSICAL SUCCESS MONTAGE”.
[Another scene - a man is saying to Henry]:
MAN:
Say Henry VIII -
Are you doing anything outside this narrative that is very bad or weird?
HENRY VIII:
No.
[Title lettering panel]:
…OF A MUSICAL GENIUS
who definitely didn’t do anything outside this narrative that was very bad or weird
[Scene with Thomas Cromwell]
THOMAS CROMWELL:
Hang on Henry aren't you also a -
HENRY VIII [jumping in front of him with his lute held aloft]:
LUTE SOLO!
[Final film title panel]:
HENRY VIII:
Rock Biopic
[rated U]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidmilghzmgnj35twr4xvnfm5eubpcdc4xmtd5nzexe2ybcubmeu7m)
