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Alan Machnik

@alanmachnik.bsky.social
174 followers 136 following 539 posts

Engineering Director. Comedy Writer. Husband. Father. 50% chocolate, 40% crisps, 20% bad at arithmetic. Once fired from Ann Summers for getting Chas and Dave to do a stock take...

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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
What's the best thing to take if you're allergic to giant clocks? Big Benadryl.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Follow me on Letterboxd for more insightful reviews like this...
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
I saw Twisted Sister last night. I know I shouldn't call her that but she really should've been wearing her seatbelt.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
I remember my Uncle fondly. Although, I really shouldn't call him that, but then he shouldn't have groped all those women.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
What is the best thing to wear for when you fall down stairs? A slinky dress.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
Who called it Crazy Paving, and not, Path-illogical?
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 05/09/2026
To make Beautiful Southern Fried Chicken, you need a little thyme.
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Reposted by Alan Machnik
T'Other Simon @tothersimon.bsky.social · 05/09/2026
Ingredients for MC Hammer's favourite soup: Stock ... Ham and thyme.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
Who called it a 'Condom' and not 'Dater Protection'?
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
Who sang the theme to Thundercats? Lion-O Richie.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
Who called it a 'Horse Whisperer' and not a 'Neigh Sayer'?
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
Who called it 'Alternative Medicine' and not 'Unorthodocs'?
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
The most dangerous drink I ever had was a Hand Grenadine.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
What's Blondie's favourite part of an Excel Spreadsheet? Column E
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
They've just announced when the final of the 'Draw Around a Fruit' Championships will be. I'm very excited, I've already circled the date.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
Everyone knows that The Crucible was the name of a famous play, but they forget that it was also the setting of a famous musical: Jesus Christ Snooker Star.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 22/08/2026
What is the most popular instrument used by Emo bands? The self-harmonica.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 22/08/2026
I've been accused of killing someone with Nicorette. It's going to be difficult to prove my innocence as the Police found me standing over the body holding the smoking gum.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 22/08/2026
How do you make a Cat Flap? Hold one of its kittens for ransom.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
Why can't you hear a dog whistle? Because they can't pucker their lips.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
Still gutted that Friends wasn't about one of the group called Hugh, who was going through a rough time. Apparently, The Rembrandts felt the same way.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
To help cure myself of my addiction to Alfred Hitchcock movies, I'm about to embark on a 39 Step program.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
I've opened a Clash of the Titans themed cafe, and can confirm you can't make an omelette without Kraken eggs.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 18/08/2026
I remember my Dad taking me to my first Demolition Derby. I was just a young Demolition City fan, my Dad supported Demolition Utd.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
Unfortunately, I've only been given one listing to try and sell my sweets, and my best Star Wars memorabilia. I'll probably just list the mint Imperials.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
What animal is the best at tying a tie? An otter.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 29/04/2026
Some feat for King Charles, at his age, to win the Women's Singles at Wimbledon...
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 24/04/2026
If you die at a an S&M party, the organiser has to contact your next of kink.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 18/04/2026
The Personnel department of Castle Greyskull is also called He-Man Resources.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 11/04/2026
Imagine thinking you're the greatest President in US history, but you're actually not even in the top 48.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 05/04/2026
Every time I eat food with artificial colouring, a little part of me dyes.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 05/04/2026
No matter how much older and wiser I become, I will never know how I can eat 50% on an Easter Egg then be unable to cover the remaining 50% with the foil that previously covered 100%.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 28/02/2026
When you decide on 'Operation Epic Fury' because 'Operation Impotent Spacehopper' was already taken.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 18/02/2026
I always enjoy the food on the day after Pancake day. Just had a pancake for lunch, and looking forward to a nice pancake curry for dinner.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 12/02/2026
I just tried Beer-Battered Frog's Legs. They were nice, but all I could taste was hops.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 03/02/2026
A guy in the pub told me how he explained spreadsheets to someone he was incarcerated with back in the late 90s. Turns out they are still Excel mates to this day.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 10/01/2026
Whilst watching a porn movie last night, I saw a male pornstar who looked exactly like me. Turns out he's my doppelgangbanger.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 01/01/2026
It's only a few minutes into 2026 and I've already said 'Beetlejuice' twice 😕
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 27/12/2025
Why isn't the period between Christmas and New Year called the Merryneum?
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 24/12/2025
For Christmas this year I've given my family ultimatums.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 06/12/2025
My mate is obsessed with medical dramas according to his children; Grace, Anna & Tommy.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 28/11/2025
I'm looking forward to the Stranger Things spin-off which is a period drama, called Upside Downton Abbey.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 28/11/2025
I have a sore neck from spending last night sleeping on the sofa. It turns out it's not funny to suggest a Nando's would alleviate the symptoms of Peri-perimenopause.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 31/10/2025
I've discovered that standing naked at your window helps to deter Trick or Treaters. No, wait...here's two dressed as Policemen.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 21/10/2025
My addiction to Baby Powder has gotten so bad that I have to attend regular meetings of Talcoholics Anonymous.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 20/10/2025
It seems reasonable that an Australian Taxi Driver's salary is a fared income.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 27/09/2025
Saturday night 🤘🏻😎
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 14/09/2025
If you don't want me to knock it over onto the floor don't write 'Tip Jar' on it.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 07/09/2025
Our microwave is a real humdinger.
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Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 07/09/2025
Scooby Doo's favourite takeaway...
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