Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 19/09/2026What's the best thing to take if you're allergic to giant clocks? Big Benadryl. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 18/09/2026Follow me on Letterboxd for more insightful reviews like this... 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 11/09/2026I saw Twisted Sister last night. I know I shouldn't call her that but she really should've been wearing her seatbelt. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 11/09/2026I remember my Uncle fondly. Although, I really shouldn't call him that, but then he shouldn't have groped all those women. 001
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 06/09/2026What is the best thing to wear for when you fall down stairs? A slinky dress. 010
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 06/09/2026Who called it Crazy Paving, and not, Path-illogical? 011
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 05/09/2026To make Beautiful Southern Fried Chicken, you need a little thyme. 010
Reposted by Alan MachnikT'Other Simon @tothersimon.bsky.social · 05/09/2026Ingredients for MC Hammer's favourite soup: Stock ... Ham and thyme. 181
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 29/08/2026Who called it a 'Condom' and not 'Dater Protection'? 022
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 29/08/2026Who sang the theme to Thundercats? Lion-O Richie. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 29/08/2026Who called it a 'Horse Whisperer' and not a 'Neigh Sayer'? 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 29/08/2026Who called it 'Alternative Medicine' and not 'Unorthodocs'? 062
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 23/08/2026The most dangerous drink I ever had was a Hand Grenadine. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 23/08/2026What's Blondie's favourite part of an Excel Spreadsheet? Column E 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 23/08/2026They've just announced when the final of the 'Draw Around a Fruit' Championships will be. I'm very excited, I've already circled the date. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 23/08/2026Everyone knows that The Crucible was the name of a famous play, but they forget that it was also the setting of a famous musical: Jesus Christ Snooker Star. 020
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 22/08/2026What is the most popular instrument used by Emo bands? The self-harmonica. 010
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 22/08/2026I've been accused of killing someone with Nicorette. It's going to be difficult to prove my innocence as the Police found me standing over the body holding the smoking gum. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 22/08/2026How do you make a Cat Flap? Hold one of its kittens for ransom. 011
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 21/08/2026Why can't you hear a dog whistle? Because they can't pucker their lips. 010
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 21/08/2026Still gutted that Friends wasn't about one of the group called Hugh, who was going through a rough time. Apparently, The Rembrandts felt the same way. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 21/08/2026To help cure myself of my addiction to Alfred Hitchcock movies, I'm about to embark on a 39 Step program. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 21/08/2026I've opened a Clash of the Titans themed cafe, and can confirm you can't make an omelette without Kraken eggs. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 18/08/2026I remember my Dad taking me to my first Demolition Derby. I was just a young Demolition City fan, my Dad supported Demolition Utd. 010
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 17/08/2026Unfortunately, I've only been given one listing to try and sell my sweets, and my best Star Wars memorabilia. I'll probably just list the mint Imperials. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 17/08/2026What animal is the best at tying a tie? An otter. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 29/04/2026Some feat for King Charles, at his age, to win the Women's Singles at Wimbledon... 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 24/04/2026If you die at a an S&M party, the organiser has to contact your next of kink. 010
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 18/04/2026The Personnel department of Castle Greyskull is also called He-Man Resources. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 11/04/2026Imagine thinking you're the greatest President in US history, but you're actually not even in the top 48. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 05/04/2026Every time I eat food with artificial colouring, a little part of me dyes. 010
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 05/04/2026No matter how much older and wiser I become, I will never know how I can eat 50% on an Easter Egg then be unable to cover the remaining 50% with the foil that previously covered 100%. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 28/02/2026When you decide on 'Operation Epic Fury' because 'Operation Impotent Spacehopper' was already taken. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 18/02/2026I always enjoy the food on the day after Pancake day. Just had a pancake for lunch, and looking forward to a nice pancake curry for dinner. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 12/02/2026I just tried Beer-Battered Frog's Legs. They were nice, but all I could taste was hops. 010
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 03/02/2026A guy in the pub told me how he explained spreadsheets to someone he was incarcerated with back in the late 90s. Turns out they are still Excel mates to this day. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 10/01/2026Whilst watching a porn movie last night, I saw a male pornstar who looked exactly like me. Turns out he's my doppelgangbanger. 010
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 01/01/2026It's only a few minutes into 2026 and I've already said 'Beetlejuice' twice 😕 030
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 27/12/2025Why isn't the period between Christmas and New Year called the Merryneum? 020
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 24/12/2025For Christmas this year I've given my family ultimatums. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 06/12/2025My mate is obsessed with medical dramas according to his children; Grace, Anna & Tommy. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 28/11/2025I'm looking forward to the Stranger Things spin-off which is a period drama, called Upside Downton Abbey. 040
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 28/11/2025I have a sore neck from spending last night sleeping on the sofa. It turns out it's not funny to suggest a Nando's would alleviate the symptoms of Peri-perimenopause. 010
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 31/10/2025I've discovered that standing naked at your window helps to deter Trick or Treaters. No, wait...here's two dressed as Policemen. 040
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 21/10/2025My addiction to Baby Powder has gotten so bad that I have to attend regular meetings of Talcoholics Anonymous. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 20/10/2025It seems reasonable that an Australian Taxi Driver's salary is a fared income. 000
Alan Machnik @alanmachnik.bsky.social · 14/09/2025If you don't want me to knock it over onto the floor don't write 'Tip Jar' on it. 010