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Show everyone you are smart despite your current salary. store.theonion.com/products/concept…

'Conceptual Genius Goes As Self For Halloween' Headline T-Shirt

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Smiling, Unblinking Tom Cruise Just Wants To Know Why Nation Didn’t See ‘Digger’ theonion.com/smiling-unblinking-tom…

Smiling, Unblinking Tom Cruise Just Wants To Know Why Nation Didn’t See ‘Digger’
‘I’m Really Not Angry At All,’ Says Actor

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Studios Enter Bidding War Over Napkin Stephen King Wrote ‘Ghoul’ On theonion.com/studios-enter-bidding-…

Studios Enter Bidding War Over Napkin Stephen King Wrote ‘Ghoul’ On
Film Rights To Word Jotted Down Over Breakfast May Go For Record Sum

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Congressional Candidate Has Different Wife For Campaigning In Rural Counties theonion.com/congressional-candidat…

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Today is your last chance to become a member and get the October 2026 edition of The Onion newspaper at membership.theonion.com/?campaign=7…

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This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Hiding in Plane Sight theonion.com/hiding-in-plane-sight

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Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him theonion.com/trump-drops-bombshell-…

Trump Drops Bombshell Evidence Biden Actively Campaigned Against Him
Did Biden Rig 2020 Race By Courting Voters?

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The Onion @theonion.com · 04/10/2026

Toddler Scientists Finally Determine Number Of Peas That Fit Into Ear Canal theonion.com/toddler-scientists-fin…

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Baby Painted Purple For Vikings Game

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The Onion @theonion.com · 04/10/2026

Archaeologists Unearth Ancient Clay Pot Shards From Dwelling Of Earliest Known Klutz theonion.com/archaeologists-unearth…

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The Onion @theonion.com · 04/10/2026

Everyone At Wedding Singles Table Cousins

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The Onion @theonion.com · 03/10/2026

Report: Guy Who Sings ‘Thriller’ Has Bunch Of Non-Halloween Music, Too theonion.com/report-guy-who-sings-t…

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The Onion Store: It’s the least you can do after installing that ad blocker. store.theonion.com/products/time-ca…

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Facts Carefully Redacted From Travel Story To Avoid Revealing It Mission Trip theonion.com/facts-carefully-redact…

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Woman Just Needs To Break Irresponsible Financial Habit Of Going Bankrupt, Living On Street theonion.com/woman-just-needs-to-br…

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Cashier Forced To Incorporate Humiliating New Phrase Into Every Customer Interaction theonion.com/cashier-forced-to-inco…

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Six Flags Closes X2 Roller Coaster Due To Brain Injuries theonion.com/six-flags-closes-x2-ro…

“Too many or not enough?”

Vince Sherburne, Assistant Docent

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Letterboxd Holds Seance To Ask James Dean His 4 Favorite Movies theonion.com/letterboxd-holds-seanc…

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‘Digger’ Prosthetic Artist Recalls Grueling Process Of Having Tom Cruise Sit Still

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Unsupportive Parents Eat Crow After Son Makes It As Beetlejuice Impersonator theonion.com/unsupportive-parents-e…

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Husband Still Faithful After 42 Years Of Trying To Cheat theonion.com/husband-still-faithful…

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All the merch in the Onion Store will be considered rare collectibles by the year 2067, so get started building your collection today. store.theonion.com/products/the-oni…

The Onion Newspaper: Sept-Oct 2026 w/ Special 9/11 Reprint

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40-Year-Old Has Spiky Hair

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Man Who Lost Everything In Crypto Just Wishes Several Thousand More People Had Warned Him theonion.com/man-who-lost-everythin…

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WELCOME TO THE VOTING REVOLUTION. The Onion Voting Simulator 3D is now available early for members only. To begin this thrillride through the democratic process, subscribe at membership.theonion.com. This soon-to-be-award-winning game won’t be available to non-members until a later date.

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New Study Finds Ashing Cigarette Out Cracked Car Window On Cold Morning Still Best Way To Start Blue-Collar Workday theonion.com/new-study-finds-ashing…

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This Weeks Onion Magazine: Sydney Sweeney, 200 Feet Away And Under A Space Blanket: Let’s See You Pervs Jerk Off To This

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Hacky Pop-Up Book’s Narrative Tension Pretty Dependent On Lifting Colored Flaps theonion.com/hacky-pop-up-book-s-na…

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Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum theonion.com/trump-warns-iran-to-ac…

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National Park Service Begins Offering Annual Body-Dumping Pass theonion.com/national-park-service-…

National Park Service Begins Offering Annual Body-Dumping Pass
Regulations Eased On Hiding Corpses Amid Natural Beauty Of Yellowstone, Yosemite

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Nation Horrified To Think Sexual Assault Could Happen On College Campus theonion.com/nation-horrified-to-th…

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Toys ‘R’ Us To Open 120 Stores To Appeal To Adult Collectors theonion.com/toys-r-us-to-open-120-…

“I hope they’ll be providing a post I can tie my child to while I shop.”

Leo Skaggs, Celebrity Podiatrist

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