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Almost like deep down I know I don't deserve anyone, maybe.

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Yet I also find myself to be incredibly self destructive and always seem to subconsciously sabotage anything and everything. I readily give people reasons to leave my life, and constantly mess up. I always choose the worst outcomes. If this were a game, my dialogue choices are always the wrong ones.

I did everything that I could to try and preserve our friendship, and yet... Like always, it's easier for people to exit stage left. Am I truly that terrible of a person? I have to be, else why is it that people are so eager to cut me out...? I'm terrified of being alone. Being lonely...

She officially got together with somebody else before our divorce was even finalized, yet I still supported her and wanted the best for her. I still wanted to be in her life and be able to continue being friends... I'm used to being replaced, so it wasn't going to be an ever present issue...

I never wanted to lose her as a friend. After the death of my partner before her, where we couldn't reconnect and make amends, I vowed to always make myself available to her no matter what. I continued to be kind and do everything I could, all the while knowing she wanted me gone.

My heart was breaking over and over again every single day that I had to stay there and endure all that was happening. I'd walk to the train tracks closest to the house every single night in hopes that I'd get struck, or get stabbed along the way. Not a single day went by without an ugly cry.

I said a few things that I cannot take back, as much as I wish I could, but I never had any malice towards her. I was terrified of losing her as a lifelong friend, which had me act like an animal backed into a corner that would lash out indiscriminately, though verbally instead of physically.

I know that things change, and I know that the reason behind the disconnection mostly has to do with some of the things I said towards the end, while in the highly stressful situation of being made to leave the place I came to call home, while actively being replaced before my very eyes.

We had even made it a point to prioritise our friendship above all else, long before we “fell out of love” with each other. Which, spoiler alert, I never did. I continued to love her and try to support her in the best ways that my autistic ass could... I just really sucked at affection, TLC and PDA.

My mind is still fixating on this. I already had abandonment issues, but this whole thing with my aforementioned spouse has really fucked me up. I know our relationship wasn't entirely great, but I felt like we were still really good friends... Just for her to turn around and severe all connection..

Zealon @zealon.w7.gg · 22/09/2026

And the thing is... I have so much wrong with me that it's perfectly valid to exit my life and cut me out of yours. So I couldn't even fault anybody if they did. I'm a walking mistake and basket case of bad choices.

Zealon @zealon.w7.gg · 22/09/2026

Ever since I witnessed firsthand just how easy it was for my own *wife* to cut me out of her life entirely, I've become terrified of waking up to a world where my friends find it just as easy to abandon ship, so to speak... I've been having nightmares of being completely abandoned since June...

Zealon @zealon.w7.gg · 15/08/2026

@omnomagon.bsky.social is the GOAT ; w ; <3 Even though I decided not to go out and get myself a milkshake earlier on, she and her boyfriend brought one home for me!! >w< I guess I got my celebratory milkshake after all~!! :3

Zealon @zealon.w7.gg · 14/08/2026

I was originally going to go and get myself a celebratory milkshake, but was so overcome with emotion and relief that I chose to instead go back to my friend's place, where I'm currently staying, and just unwind in a safe spot.