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@wartoaster.com
94 followers 17 following 163 posts

Wizard. Comedian. Feral shitposter.

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Toast @wartoaster.com · 23/07/2026
@pandangit.com happy New Year!
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 15/06/2026
Looking at the goth girl's giant shoes and politely asking what kind of diabetes she has
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 08/05/2026
California Sober? No I'm New York sober. I smoke weed and drink alcohol, but I don't smoke cigarettes
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 30/03/2026
Labelmaker implies Labelmak and Labelmakest
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 23/01/2026
They should make cigarettes for dogs
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 23/01/2026
*John Lennon pulling the chopsticks from under his top lip* "Haha, guys, I'm not actually the walrus"
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 21/01/2026
The Vengaboys song Boom Boom Boom Boom (I want you in my room) is about Margaret Thatcher
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 18/01/2026
"Beck" is short for "Uzbekistan"
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 06/12/2025
Tshirt that says DONT FUCK ARTISTS and on the back it says FUCK ARTISTS
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 01/08/2025
Lil Jon at 76: "WHAT?"
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 29/07/2025
"Who smelt it dealt it" A history of coin minting
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 15/07/2025
He's only one line away from being Brendan Eraser
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 07/07/2025
Designers in antiquity: "gotta work the golden ratio into here somehow" Designers in 21st century: "gotta sneak in as many 420s and 69s as I can"
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 22/06/2025
For a song called "the Safety Dance" the lyrics are pretty abelist
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 22/06/2025
Finally feel brave enough to say it: They should make a Tales From The Crypt reboot but with shrimp called, And get this, Tales From The Shrympt
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 17/06/2025
WE DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH PTEROSAURS
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 16/06/2025
Making friends with worse people so I can vicariously experience personal growth without having to change myself
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 15/06/2025
Saturday: 05:01-17:00 Saturnight:17:01-05:00
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 15/06/2025
If I was a priest, I'd bless Moly for free
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 13/06/2025
"Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss" -toll operator under Her Majesty Queen Victoria
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 07/06/2025
They are called "Amtrak Trains" because the trains am on a trak
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 06/06/2025
Going to Tractor Supply Co to scratch the itch created by those ZooBooks ads in 1996
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 04/06/2025
Dolphin themed gay bar called The Blow Hole
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 02/06/2025
Cosmic brownies are great because maybe I did want the satisfying combination of Shitty Fudge and Aquarium Gravel
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 02/06/2025
If a company says "we're a family" they're legally obligated to provide endless breadsticks
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 23/05/2025
"Minigolf" is short for "golf"
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 13/05/2025
"I don't see race" -blind person at the Olympics
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 08/05/2025
Leif Ericsson's little brother, Sony
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 01/05/2025
Who called it "dynasties" instead of "family feudalism"
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 30/04/2025
I just couldn't see myself wearing camo
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 28/04/2025
The wrong people take the right lesson from the minecraft movie, and begin to shovel cash into videogame movies. This results in Werner Herzog playing a role in Valve's upcoming movie 'Portal'
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 27/04/2025
Bugs are like jazz It's really about the ones you don't see
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 25/04/2025
Post office pro brought a folding stool to sit on while in line
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 22/04/2025
They call it oregon because they ore hot out the gone in cold the ore
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 21/04/2025
"It's like music to my ears" Yeah, that's where music goes
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 19/04/2025
"You ever wonder if blind people yawn less because they can't see other people doing it? Anyway, I'm Michael. Welcome to Outback Steakhouse, can i start you off with some drinks?"
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 19/04/2025
"You know what they call Fruit By The Foot in Paris?" "They don't call it Fruit By The Foot?" "No, man, they got the metric system there, they wouldn't know what the fuck a foot is." "What'd they call it?" "Fruit By The 0.3 Meter" "Fruit By The 0.3 Meter... What'd they call Gushers?"
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 16/04/2025
Due to a decline in musical literacy and increasing suburban sprawl, the Devil now challenges people to mumble rap battles in a Walgreens parking lot
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 15/04/2025
This town is big enough for only, and exclusively thtwo of us
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 09/04/2025
"What if we made dogfighting accessible to children?" Game Freak/NIntendo, 1996
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 08/04/2025
Chinese cowboy: "Yee hao"
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 07/04/2025
No. It's about the notes you DO play. That's how music works.
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 07/04/2025
If EVERYBODY was kung-fu fighting, and if their kicks were fast as lightning, the earth would have been destroyed in a matter of seconds
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 07/04/2025
If cars were longer, you'd get there slightly sooner. This is why fire trucks are so fast.
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 05/04/2025
All the food terms for money (bread, cheddar, lettuce, bacon) add up to a decent sandwich actually
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 02/04/2025
So, an 11 foot pole, then? Let's break this down.
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 01/04/2025
FDR approaches the podium and projects his voice: "An octopus that knew sign language could have four simultaneous conversations with a spider" "Holy shit," says the Pope, who is also there.
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 28/03/2025
Listening to shitty techno and developing a new gadget. The CPU is crashing to the beat
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 24/03/2025
Medusa, trying not to get shampoo in any of the snakes' eyes either,
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Toast @wartoaster.com · 24/03/2025
GOOGLE SHOW ME THAT BREAD WITH THE BIG TIDDYS PANERA ANDERSON
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