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vartan (oopsallplants)

@vartan.dev
145 followers 345 following 204 posts

Certified to not have donkey brains. Do you have such a certificate? Houseplant lover•software eng•black lives matter•trans rights are human rights

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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 30/08/2025
Nimbus sleeps against my body practically every night and still gets annoyed at me for having the audacity to shift slightly every 10 minutes until I fall asleep. We both know its gonna happen little buddy and you stay anyways ❤️ . #cat
me stoned in bed with my fluffy gray cat nimbus on my chest.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 30/06/2025
Me today after replacing my coffee grinder and making a bunch of espresso shots that aren't wayyy watered down.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 01/05/2025
"Bad Dragon Inflation" in Skyrim
iMessage screenshot.

Sam:
	I hated how those guys turned into dragons 

Matthew:
	Did they? I don’t remember that 

Me:
	Sam	are you an American pop rock band formed in 2008, based in Las Vegas, Nevada?
	because i think you imagine dragons
	i don’t remember that either hahaiMessage screenshot:

Sam:
	Okay I looked it up
	I remember the end of the r game you are at their monestary
	And a good dragon and a bad dragon show up and have toss 
	Good dragon wins 
	But I thought the grey beards could turn into dragons 

Michael Vartan:
	the only way to fight a bad dragon is with a good dragon
	don’t believe me? google “bad dragon inflation”
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 01/04/2025
ordering in tonight
king ramses from courage the cowardly dog, poorly altered to look like he's holding a whole slab of pork ribs. Underneath, it is captioned, "Return the whole slab of pork ribs".
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 24/03/2025
Google Search/gemini is hallucinating that "chud" is antisemitic. so dumb.
"Chud" can refer to several things, including a derogatory term for a person, a 1984 horror film title, and a film review website.
Here's a more detailed breakdown:
Derogatory Term:
"Chud" is sometimes used as a derogatory term, particularly in online contexts, often with antisemitic connotations.
C.H.U.D. (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers):
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 26/02/2025
me: my license plates were stolen, can I get a replacement? dmv: I'mma need you to fill this out by yesterday
"Continue your replacement plates application", email screenshot dated feb 25. It says to complete the application by feb 24, the previous day.

Full text:
Replacement Plates Application

Thank you for providing your information.  To continue with your Replacement Plates application, please use the "Complete Online" button below.  If you do not complete the application before 02/24/2025, you will need to start the process over again.

Reminder: The Internet Explorer web browser is not currently supported for an online Replacement Plates application. To avoid submission errors, please submit your online request using another browser (i.e. Google Chrome, Firefox, Microsoft Edge, Safari).

 

Complete Online
Please do not respond directly to this e-mail.  The originating e-mail account is not monitored. For any questions or assistance regarding this form, please contact DMV at 1 (800) 777-0133.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 04/02/2025
what the fuck?? This microsoft AI ad suggesting to do an eviction prank
Microsoft 365 ad with a fucked up looking ai generated clippy and the following text: If someone was messing with my friend, i would use Copilot in Word to create an official looking eviction notice and tape it to their door and the number on the notice would be out of service.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 29/01/2025
Always sunny style title screen: "The Gang Explodes the I.S.S."
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 22/12/2024
Anyone drop their newports?
screenshot of a reddit post from /r/ships, titled "Boka vanguard in the north sea". It shows a semisubmersible heavy-lift ship through a telescope; structures 2 or 3 of the structures on the ship look like a pack of newports
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 17/12/2024
Never go full jughead
screenshot of jughead from riverdale.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 10/12/2024
What in the crypto-brained fuck is this? I couldn't think of a stupider question if I tried.
Screenshot of an article headline from Forbes: "Is Web3 a solution to luigi mangione's healthcare manifesto?"
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 05/12/2024
They made him out of poop :(

Photo shows a seal sitting up in some shallow water, entirely covered in slick brown mud.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 05/12/2024
I made a new "Bank locks" plugin for old school #runescape that allows you to lock items from being banked. runelite.net/plugin-hub/s... Ex. I often accidentally bank my Magic secateurs instead of turning them into the leprechaun. Never again! #osrs #runelite #2007scape
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 05/12/2024
Pretty sure one of these was my skibidi toilet
charlie the unicornthe ultimate showdown (from newgrounds)
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 24/11/2024
I've always played as primarily a skiller but the ironman mode has pushed me to try more pvm. I'm not upset anymore about running dry on the Dragon Axe. Huge day for the account #osrs
Collection log: Dragon axe @ 225 kill countCollection log: Pet dagannoth rex @ 222 kcCollection log: berserker ring @ 202 kc
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 23/11/2024
I never thought I'd get a fire cape in (old school) Runescape! #osrs
Old school runescape screenshot right after defeating jad and exiting the fight caves. My inventory is still half full with potions and food. And of course, a fire cape!
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 21/10/2024
It's funny enough that Trump specified "human" when he said the fries "Never touches the human hand,” but even funnier that he proceeds to repeatedly touch the damn fries with his contaminated hands.
Trump pouring fries into a container. One fry rests on his index finger before falling back into the pile of fries.Trump grabbing a container of fries by pinching between the inside of the container and the outside of the container, before putting it in a bag for a "customer". Between serving to "customers", trump contaminates his hand by patting an employee on the shoulder.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 23/09/2024
I… uhh…
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 21/08/2024
first time i’ve been in a conference room with a cuck chair
beige meeting room has a lonesome chair in the corner
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 30/05/2024
what's your favorite tattoo? it’s this thigh wrap for me.
a tattoo of plants wraps the my thigh. a begonia maculata on top, and string of hearts fall down the back of my leg.close up of the side, Sting blade is sheathed in a carnivorous pitcher plant. on the side you can see a pinstripe calathea, and a real specimen is in front of my leg for comparison
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 28/05/2024
It's "No meeting week" at the office again, and my calendar is still full
Screenshot from the simpsons.

Works on contingency
No, money down

is annotated in red to give a completely new meaning:

Works on contingency?
No, money down!


A meme caption is added on top of this screenshot.

No meeting week?
No, meeting week!
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 22/05/2024
look how they massacred my boy
Microsoft Paint's New AI Image Generator Builds On Your Brushstrokes

Screenshot of a crudely drawn aquatic animal in mspaint. On the sidebar, it shows an AI turtle.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 22/05/2024
They really made "black hole cherry" candy that turns your poops black
Black bag of warheads galactic mix cubes chewy candy. Three dark gummies are pictured for the 3 flavors, "black hole cherry", "rocket raspberry", and "cosmic punch".
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 16/05/2024
Our group of phantom thieves is known as the goon squad
A screenshot of a cartoon “cat” with a text dialog.

Morgana: This is the first job for the goon squad, so let’s make sure we do it right!
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 25/04/2024
#newpfp
a selfie of me behind a monstera thai constellation leaf. my eyes are peering through the holes
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 23/04/2024
Spring is springing in my backyard
close up of an open fuchsia flowerlarge swath of nasturtium in bloom
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 10/04/2024
semi-hard rn
monstera thai constellation dappled in rainbows from a prism. this leaf is lighter color than the mature leaves, indicating it hasn’t fully hardenedanother photo showing more of the thai constellation. there are 5 large leaves visible, 4 of which have inner fenestrations
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 03/04/2024
I got through the first 4 books and I don't think Frank Herbert is beating the gooner allegations. She has an orgasm watching someone climb a cliff? Also honorable mention for "there was an adult beefswelling in his loins", worse sexual writing than even Game of Thrones.
2 photographs of the dune book

"She could feel her heart hammering though. Idaho's venture was like sex, she thought. It was not passively erotic but akin to rare magic in the way it seized her. She had to keep reminding herself that Idaho was not fer her. He is for Siona. If he survives.

And if he failed, then siona would try. Siona would succeed or she would not. Nayla wondered, though, if she might experience an orgasm should Idaho reach the top. He was so close to it now.

Second photo:

It was only when she saw the rope come snaking down that Nayla had her orgasm
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 01/04/2024
who wore it better?
pauly d from jersey shore’s blowout haira collapsed soufflé from google image search results for “collapsed souffle”
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 31/03/2024
she’s already unfurling
monstera deliciosa thai constellation is dappled in rainbows from a prism. a flaccid leaf is unfurling
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 27/03/2024
the only acceptable "hip hop cops"
"hot cops" from arrested development. they are strippers, not actual cops.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 27/03/2024
"hip hop cops", jesus christ please defund the police
It could be over for Sean “Diddy” Combs and his seemingly bulletproof, billion-dollar empire.

“He has a very questionable past that he’s been able to control because of his power for a very long time,” Derrick Parker, who was a detective in the NYPD’s rap intelligence unit (aka “Hip Hop Cops”), told The Post. “But it looks to me like someone is behind this — someone who really wants to destroy his brand and take him down.”

Parker was referring to Homeland Security agents swarming Combs’ homes in Los Angeles and Miami Monday in a TV thriller-style surprise raid. The cross-country invasion was reportedly related to sex-trafficking allegations, law enforcement sources told The Post.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 26/03/2024
new leaf goofin’
photo of a mature monstera thai constellation with fenestrations. a new leaf protrudes about 4” from the stem
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 25/03/2024
dammit In case you haven't noticed, I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. I don't fit in, and I don't want to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on?
These are results from the Statistical "Which Character" Personality Quiz.

Universe: 
[All]
Algorithm: 
Pearson correlation
The best match between the self assessment you provided and the profile of a fictional character as rated by other people who have taken this survey is the character Jughead Jones (Riverdale).


88% match
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 14/03/2024
3 years progress on this monstera 💚
small thai constellation monstera with 2 leaves, each about 3” in length and unfenestratedsame plant, leaves are over a foot long now and have many fenestrations
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 14/03/2024
I haven't updated my website in almost 10 years so I replaced it with this stub inspired by nuclear waste warnings. vartan.dev
The website has a background of sharp spikes protruding from the bottom. Spikes recursively grow off of other spikes. Text on top of it reads:

This place is a message... and part of a system of messages... pay attention to it!

Sending this message was important to us. We considered ourselves to be a powerful culture.

This place is not a place of honor... no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here... nothing valued is here.

What is here was dangerous and repulsive to us. This message is a warning about danger.

The danger is in a particular location... it increases towards a center... the center of danger is here... of a particular size and shape, and below us.

The danger is still present, in your time, as it was in ours.

The danger is to the body, and it can kill.

The form of the danger is an emanation of energy.

The danger is unleashed only if you substantially disturb this place physically. This place is best shunned and left uninhabited.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 12/03/2024
"Each of these events is distinct and unrelated to one another"
2 panel screenshot from The Good Place

1. Chidi: Okay, but that's worse.
2. Chidi: You do see how that's worse, right?
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 12/03/2024
Charlie: "Well, I'm trying to learn Mandarin and listen to Beethoven at the same time."
4 panels from always sunny in philidelphia "flowers for charlie" episode

1. Charlie: You see, I just realized that I have two ears
2. Charlie: So it's a waste to only listen to one thing.
3. Dennis: Let me get this straight...
4. You just realized that you have two ears?
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 11/03/2024
got my eyebrow pierced!
photo of a white dude with an eyebrow piercing in their left eye. they are sitting in the driver’s seat of a car
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 09/03/2024
does your ux fuck?
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 05/03/2024
make it all stop
screenshot of imessages where i’ve replied “stop” to 3 political messages in 3 hours
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 26/02/2024
Idk how many people have heard of panelle but I'm always excited when my Nonna makes them. Good in a sandwich or on their own. www.thepetitecook.com/panelle-chic...
Close up shot of a plate filled with golden brown fried squares, topped with salt and parseley, and served with slices of lemons.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 22/02/2024
fuck birds we have planes now — OAK
wall art in like 4 different fonts that says “gone away is the bluebird, here to stay is the new bird”.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 22/02/2024
airport security is more invasive than i remember
security scanner called “analogic” at the airport
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 20/02/2024
Finally got a 99 in (old school) Runescape, back where it started 20 years ago.
Screenshot of my account casting wind strike on cows in Lumbridge. A message says "Congratulations, you just advanced a Magic level. Your Magic level is now 99. Click here to continue."
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 13/02/2024
They made him out of poop :(
Screenshot of earth warrior from old school runescape wiki. He looks like a warrior made of poop, in an armor made of poop, with a mace made of poop
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 10/02/2024
cleaned & in sports mode while the neck is in the freezer
the same bong with the neck removed and a downstem/bowl installed.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 10/02/2024
mom: we have grav stax percolator bong at home. bong at home:
homemade bong using chemistry supplies. ft. freezable condenser
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 02/02/2024
He's less than 7 days old, the children yearn for the mines
A screenshot of my ironman account mining in motherlode mines in old school runescape.
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vartan (oopsallplants) @vartan.dev · 21/01/2024
rib & link
Screenshot from doordash, with the item "Rib & Link" circled, pointing to Rhett and Link from good mythical morning
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