NEWTON, KS President Donald Trump is trying to win over the Low German Mennonite vote by promising the most lucrative bribe he could think of – bubbat. “Quite frankly, I don’t even know what it [...]

GOSHEN, IN More than a dozen Mennonite women were taken into custody last night after police were called to break up the wildest Tupperware party Goshen has ever seen. “We were alerted to the problem ...

SILICON VALLEY, CA After several disturbing reports by AI experts that claimed there was a 10% chance AI would kill us all within 10 years, new studies written by AI show that there’s actually nothing...

REGINA, SK Residents of Saskatchewan have voted overwhelmingly this week to legalize potash dispensaries across the province. “We’ve gotta do something to keep up with Belarus,” said Regina resident B...

WINNIPEG, MB Inspired by goalie Connor Helleybuyck and quarterback Dieter Brock, the entire population of Winnipeg has requested a trade out of Winnipeg. “If I knew it was that easy, I would have done...

WINNIPEG, MB Local retired electrician Timothy Reimer, 88, had quite the busy evening as AC/DC took to the stage at Princess Auto Stadium this weekend. “All these concerned Mennonites were standing ou...

ALTONA, MB Area woman Theresa Bueckert decided she’d change things up a little and add raisins to her bun dough this week. The results were, as expected, disastrous. “Oba, what was I thinking?” said M...

FOXBOROUGH, MA Soft pop rock singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran has dropped a Mennonite choir from his North American tour after finding out they were pacifists. “I don’t like to get political,” said Sheera...

BAULKHAM HILLS, AUSTRALIA Pastor Dave of Waters of Blessing megachurch in New South Wales, Australia is apologizing to the congregation and the choir behind him after preaching an hourlong sermon whil...

WINNIPEG, MB There was a buzz in the quilting room at South Kildonan MB this afternoon after the province announced there would be permanent daylight savings. “Oba, I expect savings during an MCC bag ...

STRASBOURG, FRANCE Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has decided to send the descendants of Mennonite delegates Jakob Hoeppner and Johann Bartsch to negotiate a privilegium with the EU. “Understandi...

WINNIPEG, MB Winnipeg Jets goalie Connor Hellebuyck was a no show at training camp this week, reportedly demanding the chance to completely shit the bed in the playoffs for another team. “I’m sick of ...

STEINBACH, MB In what just might be the most heated conflict the City of Steinbach has ever had with the Province of Manitoba, a grassy boulevard on Brandt Street remained totally unmowed for several ...

WINNIPEG, MB With echoes of the 97th Grey Cup, the Saskatchewan Roughriders saw their comeback against Winnipeg in the Banjo Bowl stymied after an inopportune ‘Too Many Mennonites’ call. “Too many Men...

STEINBACH, MB There was not a single local politician available to greet Premier Wab Kinew in Steinbach this afternoon. “I guess they all went to the lake,” said Kinew as he arrived at KR Barkman [......

ASCUNCION, PARAGUAY Hans Toews of Fernheim Colony, Paraguay was super excited this week after he learned that his country was finally going to be accurately represented on UN maps. “Not only that,” sa...

BLUMENORT, MB Disgruntled Winnipeg Jets goalie Connor Hellebuyck is demanding a trade to the only team he’s willing to play for – the Blumenort Menno Knights. “We’re working on a deal that will send H...

WINKLER, MB After years of heated rivalry, Winkler officials voted 6 to 1 in favour of renaming the neighbouring community of Morden as Winkler West. “We also were considering Englisherville and Shekj...

WASHINGTON, DC A man with the maturity of a toddler is demanding that Lake Ontario be renamed Lake Poopy Pants. “Mommy and daddy say I’m the best little boy. The best at everything. The best [...]

WINNIPEG, MB It seems US President Donald Trump has resorted to the most powerful weapon in his playbook -renaming bodies of water. “Starting tomorrow I am ordering all school children to scribble out...

WINKLER, MB Area man Mark Bueckert was pretty excited that his wife Linda had asked for a “dutch oven” for their anniversary this year. However, Linda did not receive the kind of dutch oven she [...]

TORONTO, ON LCBO stores across Ontario were flooded with American booze this afternoon, with a shocking amount of high end bourbon. Apparently, Canadians insisted that if they were going to put Americ...

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN Area man Donald Ausfahrt narrowly escaped the imminent threat of having to clean up the chairs after the church potluck this week. Ausfahrt led everyone to believe he was in the back...

OTTAWA, ON With a potential trade deal in the works, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney is asking Canadian to start drinking shitty inferior American beer once again. “As a gesture of good will to ou...

CHILLIWACK, BC Of all the options available at the East Chilliwack MB Christmas potluck this past weekend, the most popular, by far, was a salad consisting of black beans and edamame made by Ms. Erin ...

WINNIPEG, MB Just hours after hitting the championship-winning three-pointer for the Winnipeg Sea Bears this weekend, a massive 50 foot fall bronze statue of Simon Hildebrandt appeared outside his alm...

SASKATOON, SK Thousands of Mennonites are barely surviving this summer after a shortage of cottage cheese has left them without the necessary sustenance for life. “My Henry’s a fighter, but I’m just n...

ALTONA, MB Mrs. Toews was so thoroughly embarrassed with her failure to add star anise to her chicken soup at the soup and pie fundraiser this past week that she has vowed never to make [...]

WINKLER, MB A recent rash of copper wire thefts has left a huge shortage in the community of Winkler, which has thankfully been filled by a dedicated team of Mennonite volunteers. “We’ve been stretchi...

WINKLER, MB A recent rash of copper wire thefts has left a huge shortage in the community of Winkler, which has thankfully been filled by a dedicated team of Mennonite volunteers. “We’ve been stretchi...

KLEEFELD, MB Mrs. Koop of Kleefeld had to be rushed to the hospital this week after she over-exerted herself trying to get more rhubarb on her vereniki. “I’m doing okay now, but it was the [...]

NEWTON, KS There was mass confusion and chaos in Newton, Kansas this afternoon after the name Mary Unrau was called for the raffle draw. “I’m Mary Unrau,” said one woman. “No, I’m Mary Unrau,” said [....

CHIHUAHUA CITY, MEXICO Mrs. Thiessen of Campo 67 was very excited to arrive at the airport in Chihuahua this week when she discovered a whole new lounge just for her. “Nah, oba, would you look [...]

WINNIPEG, MB According to a recent Statistics Canada estimate, the City of Winnipeg now has a population of just over 850,000 Friesens. “And growing,” said mayor Scott Gillingham, one of just three in...

TABER, AB The Kehlers of Grunthal only get two weeks vacation each year and for some reason have decided to blow it all on visiting frintschoft. “Miami? Paris? No. It’s Taber for us!” said Mrs. [...]

WINKLER, MB Taunte Tina of Winkler has recently discovered she’d been excluded from the Klippenstein family group chat for the past 10 years. “Oba, they were talking about the upcoming Klippenstein ga...

WINNIPEG, MB When word got out that Nickelback was in town, thousands of Mennonites flocked to the arena in Winnipeg this week to collect their refund. “I heard this is the place to get my [...]

ABBOTSFORD, BC Local couple Diane and Pete Kroeker decided they’d go for some authentic Mennonite food this evening, so naturally they went to their favourite Indian restaurant. “What were you expecti...

TEHRAN, IRAN The United States has hit Iran with the most dangerous weapon in its arsenal: Taco Bell lettuce. “If you don’t open the Strait of Hormuz immediately, we’re going to bombard you with Taco ...

WASHINGTON, DC President Donald Trump has just approved the expenditure of $81 billion to construct a wooden fence along the border to keep Canadian smoke from entering the country. “They’re not sendi...

ATLANTA, GA Mennonite soccer fans across South America were cheering against Argentina this afternoon, only for England to totally “fe’schlucke” at the last minute. “Diewel, I’ve never seen a team fe’...

CUAUHTEMOC, MEXICO Thousands of Canadians have decided to vacation in Mexico this summer to escape the oppressive heat of Canada. “Ahhh, it’ll be so nice to get out of Winnipeg for once during the sum...