Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 19/08/2026Sometimes Apple just takes $11.99 from me and if I ever try to look into it at all they send me a screenshot from what looks like security camera footage of me sleeping in my bed. 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 30/06/2026Colloquially referring to any Netherlands player as “Tom Holland” 020
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 01/05/2026Let’s just say George RR Martin isn’t the only one who’s written 1,200 pages of Winds of Winter. We’ll see who finishes first Georgie boy 071
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 30/04/2026(to the barista) hi, yes, I have a bit of a strange request. Can you take some seeds from the coffea plant, grind them into a fine powder, put them into a paper filter, and then run some hot water over them for a few minutes? I'll take 16 fluid ounces of the resulting liquid please. 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 17/04/2026Girlfriend texting me: you need to do the dishes! And pick up the laundry! Landlord texting me: rent is double this month! My fog friend texting me: dude you should come into the fog. It’s chill 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 11/04/2026My cat’s toys fucking suck. None of them look any fun at all. We have very different ideas about how to have a good time. 020
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 20/03/2026Got all my conversation topics lined up for my first date tonight. 011
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 05/03/2026“Oh boy time to sit down and catch up with all my pals in Westeros!” GRRM (the hungriest he’s ever been in his life): Tyrion had skewered fowl, juicy and charred to a crisp with roasted garlic, onions, spicy peppers and rubbed with sage, washed down with a flagon of sweet summer wine, with notes of 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 30/12/2025The staff keeps telling me they don’t sell any gifts here… 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 25/12/2025My family and I are having that classic holiday-themed debate: is Die Hard an action movie? 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 17/11/2025Sometimes you meet someone and you can instantly tell that how I met your mother was a big deal to them at some point 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 30/10/2025Ending every therapy session with “I swear to god if you tell anyone what I just said….” 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 24/10/2025Had a dream there was a popular rapper named “The Woke Asthmatic” 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 10/09/2025I have the gene that makes cilantro taste like soap, but fortunately, I also have the gene that makes soap taste like fresh herbs. So I kind of break even where that’s concerned. 010
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 16/08/2025Sometimes I get a spam text that makes me wish my life was different 020
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 16/08/2025Well me and this tree have basically nothing in common 010
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 05/08/2025I magine being the last 80’s rock star to find out that love is more than just a game. Fucking humiliating. 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 21/07/2025Asking my barber for “a performative hairstyle that is transparently not my vibe” 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 18/07/2025My girlfriend’s Instagram ads constantly laser beam her with negative anti-aging and weight loss stuff and mine are just “still thinking about plain white socks? Here are some that are fine.” 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 19/05/2025Take it from me. If you’re ever in the desert and you see a coyote loading himself into a cannon, just leave it alone. That situation is a mess. 010
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 05/05/2025Hey thanks for coming! Help yourself to the fridge. Everything in there labeled "not poisonous" is safe to consume. 010
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 04/04/2025Nothing more shameful than returning to an aisle while grocery shopping. You couldn’t close the deal on the first go around? You’ve got NO plan?? 010
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 25/02/2025You’re so funny dude. My uncle would love you haha. Actually would you mind if I FaceTimed him real quick and you guys could chat? 030
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 19/02/2025Sorry – when I said I worked on an oil rig I meant that I do my remote marketing/PR job there. They have good coffee and plenty of working space. 010
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 18/02/2025My Mesopotamian buddy keeps texting me in cuneiform and I’m too embarrassed to tell him I can’t read it 🤦♂️ 030
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 08/02/2025CHOPPED JUDGE: No daikon, no pork loin, you didn't incorporate a single mystery basket ingredient, and let me ask you something, is this Stouffer's brand frozen lasagna? ME: Yes chef. CHOPPED JUDGE: Did you bring this from home? ME: Yes chef. 010
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 06/02/2025Think of how powerful it’d be if two NBA teams playing against each other suddenly decided to work together instead. Imagine how efficiently two basketball teams could score on one basket facing no opposition… 020
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 29/01/2025Hey you mind watching my stuff while I go to the bathroom? (I gesture to a table that has a completed puzzle on it. The picture is of you, but 40 years older, smiling, with what you assume is your future family. You seem happy. You look up but I am gone. Was I ever even there?) 020
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 20/12/2024(George Bailey voice) Now now now wait just a minute here, you got this place all wrong. Your money's not here. Your money's in HAWKCOIN, and and PEPE, and Chill Guy.X and a hundred others 010
Reposted by Tyler Schmalljeremyschmall.bsky.social @jeremyschmall.bsky.social · 26/11/2024The DNC is dead. Long live the DNC. I wrote about the Democrats' "Tommy Boy problem" back in 2021 and things have only gotten worse since. Give it a read and see if you agree open.substack.com/pub/poeticfi...open.substack.comThe Democrats' Tommy Boy ProblemAt one point, not too long ago, this country felt like an actual society with a bright future, not the hopelessly fractured, furious, and confused one we have become today. 021
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 03/12/2024One of my biggest dating icks is if we go to the meadow to build a snowman and they start pretending he is Parson Brown 😷 020
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 18/11/2024My eye doctor’s new patient form has a nickname section 040
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 16/11/2024Do you think everyone else at Elrond’s council felt weird about not joining the Fellowship? They all probably could’ve gone. 100
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 07/11/2024(Misremembering The Hobbit as something that happened to my friend) one of my buddies actually found the Arkenstone once. 020
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 07/11/2024Recently had the idea for a ghost that just sort of chills out. 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 03/10/2023Made one small change and suddenly this album cover makes a lot more sense… 010
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 05/08/2023This is the coolest it’s currently possible to look. 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 29/07/2023Whenever someone tries to stop me on the street I just flash em one of these and act like I gotta get to my table 020
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 28/07/2023I’m on my Bilbo Baggins shit lately (disappearing without a trace during the party and greatly burdening a loved one in the process) 0213
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 25/07/2023(To the person next me on the subway reading a book) yo, you mind if I bum a few pages? 0153
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 14/07/2023Sorry for bringing the chosen one to your birthday, dude. I didn’t know he’d just talk about the prophecy all night. 010
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 13/07/2023(Doctor informing family) we lost him. I’m terribly sorry. His illness was very treatable, but, unfortunately, it was a canon event. We couldn’t intervene. 000
Tyler Schmall @tylerschmall.bsky.social · 27/06/2023Doesn’t really get any sweeter than this folks…. 010
