iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 22h

The vilanization only hasn't worked because she is not a she. She is Jane Doe. And if she had flesh and blood, she would be in the gallows. So, what I'm saying is, yes, do what you can, yes, rejoice if you're able. Just don't trust it. This is not a shift. It's just the system working as it has.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 22h

A woman who has a history, a name, flesh and blood, and an outfit, can be hated. Just like the population at large will say abuse and rape are wrong but always keep an exception around for "her", and just like "not her though" is always, always, *always*, the exception, that's what's happened here.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 22h

A cardboard cutout that they can make into anything they like. That they can idolize and sanctify. A cardboard cutout that doesn't have any of the real name, face, past, present, exes, race, sexuality, history, and flesh of a woman that might "put them off." A woman who has those can be vilanized.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 22h

I've just figured out what makes me so distrustful of the "public outrage" over this new case. And why it's struck me so much as something not fitting quite right about it. And the thing is, in the public's mind, this case doesn't have a real flesh and blood victim. It has a cardboard cutout of one.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

My autistic queer brain just can't understand this. Younger generations are more fascist instead of less. 55 million people. And that's one country. How the fuck does this end?

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

I grew up thinking that all we needed was time. That the world would only get more accepting, more open, that knowledge and logic would win over hatred. That people just needed to know more for their nonsensical hatred to crack and fall apart. And now all I see is sheer unabashed evil everywhere.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

I've suffered from suicidal ideation since I was 11 years old because of neurotypical rejection and abuse. And days like today, watching over 55 million people vote for a man who wishes people like me and so many others were all dead is really something. When the fuck does this end?

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

"If women aren't around, obviously you're going to get raped instead." But we don't see MRAs talking about how groups of men are expected to rape and if there aren't female victims available then it's expected they'll rape other men.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

They should also think about the fact that if women are prohibited or impeded to be around groups of men, they then turn this "advice" onto younger men, queer men, etc and tell *them* to expect to be raped because it's the "natural order" of things.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

"Don't go to a party or bar or club with men alone" "Don't drink around men" "Don't join the army or force" "Don't go to any sports watching or team celebration" "Don't go near frat houses" "Obviously you got raped" "NOT ALL MEN THOUGH!" Makes one wonder if men hear themselves when they speak.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

And men themselves will give that advice or act like that's obvious. Then they'll get mad and "not all men" all over victims' stories. Excuse me, weren't you the one telling women that if they get near a group of men they'll obviously run the risk of getting raped? Cuz I think that's what you said.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

Think abou that and the fact that women are advised not to join any male dominated field and if they do to expect to be SA'ed as though it's just a price she has to pay to be involved in that field or event. Like "yeah, of course she got raped." Like any group of men is expected to rape.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

"Groups of men are known to be rapists" is one of the most slap in the face truth quotes I heard in a long time. Frats, teams armies etc. Any kind of male gathering is a red flag and held up as a cautionary tale to women, and if a woman joins them, she's victim blamed. Just think on that for a bit.

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Reposted by A Little Bit Queerer

Stephen C. Rea @stevierea.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

The “ceasefire” will be one year old next week. Since then, Israeli strikes have killed more than 1400 Gazans

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Reposted by A Little Bit Queerer

Mikesta likes ghost birds @mikestalikesbirds.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Johnny Depp/Amber Heard made it pretty clear to me that a big chunk of America only ever saw metoo as an annoying obligation to stop enjoying some of their favorite movies, and I just don't know what to do with that

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

I wonder if this went to trial, if you'd be recreating her testimony on TikTok and laughing at her pictures. Or do you save that for publicly queer women? Anyways, at least you're doing something good with your "outrage" this time I suppose.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

I wonder where this energy was for Amber Heard and so many other victims. I want to feel glad that people are rallying up behind a victim, but the way you all flip on a dime from defending to tearing victims down according to what is "more fun" to you makes me not trust this at all.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 25/08/2026

Honestly sick and tired of people pretending anything related to this series isn't evil af. People saying that giving more money to a woman who is misogynistic, transphobic, racist, ableist, fatphobic, loves abusive and rapist men, and who USES that money to fund the altright is not political. Ok.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 25/08/2026

Being surrounded by two actual abusive gaslighters bc of family visit, for half a week now, I can't help but think of all the people who misappropriated, trashed, and made this term into a laughing stock that no longer has any power. I'm glad survivors slowly losing our minds makes for a good joke.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

Exactly. The problem is with the lack of logic in responders, judges etc + their lack of awareness for how steeped into abuse culture they are, since our entire species operates in power dynamics. The more privileged the more power you have and the more likely you are to be believed.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

Src #9 The Hotline "Understand Relationship Abuse: We're all affected by the issue of domestic violence." www.thehotline.org/identify-abu... Src #10 The Friendship Center Services ("regardless of gender or sexual orientation") www.thefriendshipcenter.org/our-services

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

Continue reading / more sources: Src #3 ABC Australia "Escaping domestic violence can be harder when you live in a small town" by Kellie Scott www.abc.net.au/news/2021-05... Src #8 Dr. Betsy Usher "Why Would Someone With Trauma Think They Have Made It All Up?" www.drbetsyusher.com/blog/why-wou... ⬇️

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Everyone has the right to defend their emotional and physical safety. Buying into claims of mutual abuse places unwarranted blame on survivors and excuses perpetrators. Misidentifying domestic violence as mutual abuse increases the self-blame, fear, confusion, and isolation(...)❞ ⬇️

Blogpost by The Friendship Center against domestic violence, sexual assault, and/or stalking (DVSAS), white background, dark blue text:

(bold)Self-defense and Situational Violence Are Not Domestic Abuse(/bold)

Everyone has the right to defend their emotional and physical safety. Buying into claims of mutual abuse places unwarranted blame on survivors and excuses perpetrators. Misidentifying domestic violence as mutual abuse increases the self-blame, fear, confusion, and isolation victims are already experiencing. It’s also important to keep in mind that people in any relationship can exhibit unhealthy behaviors. Individuals sometimes engage in situational violence, which is fundamentally different than intimate partner violence. Unlike domestic violence, situational violence does not correspond to a rooted imbalance of power or ongoing pattern of coercive behavior.

If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, sexual assault, and/or stalking, The Friendship Center has advocates available 24/7 to assist you. Visit our services page to explore resources for victims and advocates, learn more about our services, and get connected with one of our advocates.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Trauma victims often experience emotional dysregulation(...) In contrast, abusers remain in control of their emotions, making them appear cool and calm(...) Responders (...)are sometimes more inclined to believe the victim is “out of control” and trust the perpetrator’s account(...)❞ ⬇️

Blogpost by The Friendship Center against domestic violence, sexual assault, and/or stalking (DVSAS), white background, dark blue text:

(bold)Confusion for Responders(bold)

The covert nature of domestic violence can lead responders to mistakenly believe there is mutual abuse, or the victim is the abusive party. Fully understanding the experiences and stories of two people in conflict can be tricky and confusing, especially when relevant information is obscured. This is especially true when there is a long history of abuse, and the victim’s internal defense mechanisms and trauma responses are triggered. Living with constant abuse over time can lead to shattered self-esteem, low self-worth, acute distress, and PTSD. Trauma victims often experience emotional dysregulation, wavering between angry outbursts, crying, placating, frustration, confusion, and complete disconnection. In contrast, abusers remain in control of their emotions, making them appear cool and calm compared to their partner’s frantic and confused state. Responders, and even family and friends, are sometimes more inclined to believe the victim is “out of control” and trust the perpetrator’s account based on their contrasting presentations after a violent incident.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝(...)their abusive partner will predictably use past reactive behavior against them to reestablish dominance and control. In child custody court battles, for example, abusers highlight these incidents to make a judge question the victim’s stability as a parent or claim they are abusive.❞ ⬇️

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝When victims fight back, they are not instigating abuse. While some of their behaviors might seem aggressive, they are frantic attempts to defend themselves (...) The person trying to resist abuse is not acquiring power or control over their partner, but attempting to(...) survive.❞ ⬇️

Blogpost by The Friendship Center against domestic violence, sexual assault, and/or stalking (DVSAS), white background, dark blue text:

(bold)Reactive Defense(/bold)

When victims fight back, they are not instigating abuse. While some of their behaviors might seem aggressive, they are frantic attempts to defend themselves and gain personal freedom. The person trying to resist abuse is not acquiring power or control over their partner, but attempting to diffuse, escape, and survive. The correct term for victims’ innate response to being harmed is reactive defense or self-defense. It’s important to understand that many responses to trauma are automatic. Self-protection is a hard-wired reaction to the overwhelming terror and brutality of being threatened and attacked. A survival response is not a choice and does not put the victim on par with their abuser or make them the abusive partner.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝The truth about domestic violence is often hidden beneath distorted perceptions that assign responsibility for the abuse to the victim. This is especially true when survivors actively resist or fight back.❞ ⬇️

Blogpost by The Friendship Center against domestic violence, sexual assault, and/or stalking (DVSAS), white background, dark blue text:

The truth about domestic violence is often hidden beneath distorted perceptions that assign responsibility for the abuse to the victim. This is especially true when survivors actively resist or fight back. The term (bold)mutual abuse(/bold) is sometimes used when both people appear to simultaneously be abusers and victims. In truth, domestic abuse is never present between equals because it stems from one partner’s need to own and control the other by any means necessary. The ingrained pattern of dominance and inherent imbalance of power makes mutual abuse virtually impossible.

(highlight by poster)Sadly, mutual abuse is sometimes depicted as reality in the media and within the court system, causing more fallout and confusion for victims.(/highlight by poster) At times, the perception of co-abuse impacts the way cases are handled at the investigative level, prevents prosecution, and clouds civil proceedings. (bold)While experts in the field of domestic violence agree there is no such thing as mutual abuse, it’s woven into many of the stories we hear.(/bold) Below are a few examples of scenarios that are often and easily miscast—sometimes even by survivors themselves—as mutual abuse.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Jaime Gabrielli discusses scenarios where violence is often misunderstood as mutual, and highlights how the power imbalance at the core of abusive relationships renders mutual violence not just unlikely, but impossible.❞ ⬇️

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Both Partners Cannot Have Power Over Each Other... At StrongHearts Native Helpline we understand the term mutual abuse is a fallacy (...) Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive or violent behaviors by one partner to gain and maintain power and control over the other.❞ ⬇️

Print of a blogpost by StrongHearts Native Helpline, white background, text in black:

(bold)Both Partners Cannot Have Power Over Each Other(/bold)
While both Michelle and Joe behaved violently, it is important to look deeper. At StrongHearts Native Helpline we understand the term mutual abuse is a fallacy. In the story above we see Michelle blames herself for Joe’s behavior. Although Michelle slapped Joe, and that isn’t okay, she does not have the same control over Joe that he has over her. Joe’s behavior shows a pattern of abusive tactics. Not only has he physically abused Michelle, but there are also patterns of isolation, name-calling, and blaming Michelle for his behavior. Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive or violent behaviors by one partner to gain and maintain power and control over the other. Both partners cannot have power over each other.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝A victim-survivor experiences abusive tactics at the hands of their partner to get and keep power and control over them. As the victim lacks control in the relationship they can not be responsible for the abuse they endure.❞ ⬇️

Print of a blogpost by StrongHearts Native Helpline, white background, text in black:
TRIGGER WARNING: This blog includes graphic content that some readers may find distressing.
(bold)Michelle’s Story(/bold)
Joe and I have been together for five months. We met off-campus and clicked immediately. When we first got together, Joe could be moody, but was always good to me. He would tease me about how I need my friends’ approval, but he said he was joking. Things have changed, and I want them to go back to normal. I know there are things Joe does that aren’t okay, but I don’t know how to communicate with him because I hurt him too.

After studying last night, I bumped into my friend Sara. We decide to catch up and grab something to eat. Later, when I met Joe at his place, I told him I wasn’t very hungry because I ate earlier with Sara. He got quiet and I could tell something was wrong. I asked him what was bothering him and he flipped out and started screaming at me. He grabbed my wrists and pushed me against the wall. He started yelling about how I prioritize everything over him. He said that if I am obsessed with college life, I should leave him since he’s not in college. I lost my temper and yelled back...

I know he should never hurt me but I’ve hit him too. We are mutually abusive. Months ago, we were at my friend’s bonfire. Some guy started talking to me and Joe freaked out and said I was sneaking around as soon as he turned his back. Joe wouldn’t drop it and he dragged me away from the fire. He called me a whore and squeezed my wrist so hard I thought he was going to break it. Eventually, I pushed his hand off me and slapped him. I felt bad and I knew I crossed a line. He had never actually hit me before that incident. That’s part of why I feel like I caused how bad the situation is now. I kind of deserve what is happening.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Victim-survivors can experience a variety of emotions, but one surprising feeling may be responsibility. While we know no one is to blame for the abuse they experience, many abusive tactics manipulate victims into feeling responsible.❞ ⬇️

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Once you are reminded that your self-defense is not abuse, speak up in conversations about mutual abuse, so that the myth doesn’t continue on.❞ ⬇️

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Having doubt and wanting to change is a major sign that you are not the abuser. Abusers most of the time do not believe they need to change and feel entitled to how they feel, not doubtful.❞ ⬇️

Print of a blog post by Dr. Besty Usher, gray background, text in white:

Here is the deal, if we continue to let the myth of mutual abuse continue, we are allowing the abusers to gaslight and blame shift the entire community of survivors, and others who believe this myth. It leads to the survivor remaining confused and disempowered.

Here is a link to the abuse hotline for domestic violence that explains abuse: Abuse Defined | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

(Links and more sources at the end of the thread)

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Blame Shifting: This experience happens so often and covertly that the survivor doesn’t even realize they are doing it for years. The abuser convinces the survivor that, what the survivor believes they are doing, they are the only ones actually doing the abuse.❞ ⬇️

Print of a blog post by Dr. Besty Usher, gray background, text in white:

(...)(bold)doing, they are the only ones actually doing the abuse.(/bold) For example, I showed my ex-husband a video on gaslighting when I was still in the beginning phase of trying to open his eyes so he would change. He watched the video in the other room and told me to read an article on BPD since he believed that’s what I had and what was causing the problems in our relationship. When we both finished, he came into the room smiling and said, “We got a big problem, because this isn’t me at all—but it is you.” He shifted the blame back onto me. It was crazy making. Another time I got him to finally admit that he was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. At the end he said, “But you know what, you have been extremely emotionally abusive to me.” He couldn’t just hold what he said, he had to shift the blame back to me, because that is what they do.(bold) They cannot take full responsibility, EVER!(/bold) They will always blame the survivor. It’s part of their(...)

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝The abuser knows how to push their victim to a point of pushing back which then “looks” like abuse so the abuser can scream out “Abuser!” When the survivor hits their limit and most likely has C-PTSD, they fight back(...)Self-defense is not being abusive it is surviving.❞ ⬇️

Print of a blog post by Dr. Besty Usher, gray background, text in white:

(bold)Reacting Back to Abuse(/bold)
The abuser knows how to push their victim to a point of pushing back which then “looks” like abuse so the abuser can scream out “Abuser!” When the survivor hits their limit and most likely has C-PTSD, they fight back. Fighting back can include name-calling, physically pushing back, screaming/yelling, and any other ways you have reacted that I didn’t mention. This person wants their freedom back, not power or control. This is a perfect time for the abuser to claim that the survivor is the abuser or also abusive, we call this blame shifting and they are very good at doing this. Self-defense is not being abusive it is surviving.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝First we must understand that mutual abuse does not exist. Abuse is about power and control. In an abusive relationship, only one person has power and control. Both people can’t have equal power and control; someone holds it and craves it.❞ ⬇️

Print of a blog post by Dr. Besty Usher, gray background, text in white:

(bold)Mutual Abuse Doesn’t Exist(/bold)
First we must understand that mutual abuse does not exist. Abuse is about power and control. In an abusive relationship, only one person has power and control. Both people can’t have equal power and control; someone holds it and craves it. The person who has power and control manipulates the victim into 1), getting pushed to their limit so they react back, and 2), believing they are also an abuser (blame shifting).

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Reacting to abuse in self-defense can include name-calling, physically pushing back, and other emotional outbursts, according to psychologist Betsy Usher ﹘﹘ who specializes in treating abuse and trauma.❞ ⬇️

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Glenn added that self-defense against a primary aggressor can "look like abuse," but it's a not the same as an abuser exerting control over a victim.❞ ⬇️

Print of a piece of an article by NBC news, white background, black text:
Trauma reactivity may be an explanation, but it's not an excuse for abusive behavior, experts say. Glenn cautions against using
someone's past trauma, substance abuse or life circumstances to absolve them of abusive behavior.
"We often want to find reasons because we don't have any real data on why abusers do what they do," Glenn said. "I think we find many different ways to make it OK in our heads that somebody can be abusive... Most of them actively make the choice to be abusive. They have a need for power and control."
During highly sensationalized and publicized court cases, terms to describe abusive behavior often trend online. Misappropriating phrases like "gaslighting" and "mutual abuse" can minimize conversations about domestic violence, Glenn said.
"Please don't use them until you understand," Glenn said. "Because you're causing more harm than good."

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝"I don't believe in mutual abuse. I don't believe that two parties decide to meet in the kitchen and box it out," Glenn said. "It just doesn't sound right, reactive abuse. I'm going to abuse you as a reaction? No, I'm going to defend myself as a reaction."❞ ⬇️

Print of a piece of an article by NBC news, white background, black text, hyperlinks in blue:
(big opening quotation mark in blue)"I don't believe in mutual abuse. I don't believe that two parties decide to meet in the kitchen and box it out.
- RUTH GLENN, PRESIDENT AND CEO OF THE NATIONAL COALITION AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Ruth Glenn ﹘﹘ president and CEO of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) ﹘﹘ disputes the existence of "mutual abuse." In every incident between two people, she said, there's a "primary aggressor.'"❞ ⬇️

Print of a piece of an article by NBC news, white background, black text, hyperlinks in blue:
During cross-examination, Anderson clarified that Heard reported to the therapist that she "fought back" after Depp became physical.
In court filings, Heard said she hit Depp only in self-defense or in defense of her younger sister, (hyperlink)according to The New York Times.(/hyperlink)
Since Anderson's testimony, the phrase "mutual abuse" has become a point of contention in discussions online. Some have described Depp and Heard's relationship dynamic as "reactive abuse," a similarly divisive term to describe a victim's emotional outburst against an abuser.

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝Ms Kingwell says perpetrators will use "cruel and manipulative" tactics like DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) to gaslight the victim and others into believing that they (the victim) are actually the abuser.❞ ⬇️

Print of a piece of an article by ABC Australia, white background, text in black, hyperlinks in pink:

"He always told me that I started it and if I 'hadn't have done XYZ', then he wouldn't have hurt me," she says. "The constant projection, blame-shifting and DARVO was mind-bending and took years of recovery."
Ms Maguire says there are three main reasons women carry guilt for fighting back:
- We expect women to be more submissive and passive. Fighting back goes against how they are socialised to behave.
- Perpetrators tell them it's their fault.
- Friends, family, and other members of the community minimise the violence they experience, or don't believe women because "he's such a nice guy".

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A Little Bit Queerer @tsgoggles.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

❝"My violence was a reaction to all those things happening to me… yet knowing I did that brought enough shame, humiliation, and fear of being deemed 'mutually abusive' and 'just as bad as he was' kept me from calling police."❞ ⬇️

Print of a quote from an article by ABC Australia, white background, text in black:
"I never terrorised someone, belittled them daily, controlled their movements, tracked their spending, emails or phone calls, damaged their property, intimidated them or their loves one or created paralysing fear."

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