CHICAGO—Touting them as the clean and fashionable solution to a common messy situation, personal-cleansing brand Dude Wipes announced Thursday its new line of flushable khakis. “Every guy knows what it’s like to walk around with a load in his slacks, but you don’t have to anymore with these stylish pants you can just tear off and […] The post Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis appeared first on The Onion.

The post Man Confident He Would’ve Been Brave Enough To Send Thumbs Down Emoji In Cornell Group Chat appeared first on The Onion.

BUENOS AIRES—After exhausting a significant amount of his intellectual energy in a series of company launches, a creatively tapped-out Peter Thiel announced Tuesday a new startup called “Frodo, But Evil.” Everyone knows Frodo’s the hero of Lord Of The Rings, but he’s not in this case, which—I mean, evil is a form of innovation, right?” said a […] The post Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called ‘Frodo, But Evil’ appeared first on The Onion.

DES ALLEMANDS, LA—Holding hands and giggling as they talked the part-time fast food worker through their sandwich order, singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey and swamp tour boat captain Jeremy Dufrene reportedly celebrated their wedding anniversary Saturday at a gas station Subway restaurant. “Lana swooned after [Dufrene] told her she could get any size sandwich she wanted; […] The post Lana Del Rey, Husband Celebrate Anniversary At Gas Station Subway appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Saying the man promised visitors access to the “real show,” onlookers confirmed Thursday that a guy outside the Barack Obama Presidential Center was selling cheaper tickets to something called “Barry’s Magical Experience.” “Why waste your time at a freaking snoozefest library when I’m offering no lines to enter the wondrous world of old Barry O. […] The post Guy Outside Obama Center Selling Cheaper Tickets To Something Called ‘Barry’s Magical Experience’ appeared first on The Onion.

The post USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga appeared first on The Onion.

A 74-year-old hunter was arrested on felony manslaughter charges after fatally shooting a woman whom he mistook for a deer. What do you think? The post Hunter Arrested After Mistaking Woman For A Deer appeared first on The Onion.

The post Dr. DooDiddle appeared first on The Onion.

ST. LOUIS—Kicking himself for missing out on a potentially lucrative financial opportunity, local man Keith Towers reportedly realized this week that he might have become rich if he had invested in rice 7,000 years ago. “Damn, I wish I’d had the foresight to put some money down on rice back in 5000 B.C., because I’d […] The post Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago appeared first on The Onion.

PLAISTOW, NH—Blaming their friend’s personalized internet feed for his warped perception of the film’s impact, sources confirmed Wednesday that the algorithm presented to local man Todd Bennett had been distorting how important he thinks Gummo is to the rest of the world. “No matter which social media site he’s on, he’s being pushed Gummo content […] The post Algorithm Distorting How Important Man Thinks ‘Gummo’ Is To Rest Of World appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Granting the public permission to disregard the organization’s previous recommendations, American Medical Association officials announced this week that huge biceps were now the only thing that mattered for health. “Rather than worrying about eating a balanced diet or maintaining an active lifestyle, our advice is to spend as much time as possible in the gym […] The post American Medical Association: ‘Huge Biceps Are Only Thing That Matters’ appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump banned news outlets CNN, MS NOW, and Politico from participating in the White House press pool, citing what he considers fake news coverage of himself. What do you think? The post Trump Bans CNN, MS NOW, Politico From White House Press Pool appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS—Asserting that He’d had “enough of the drama,” the Lord God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, shocked fans Tuesday by announcing His abrupt departure from The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives. “Though this series has been a huge part of My eternal life, I can no longer participate in good faith,” the Supreme Leader […] The post God Announces Departure From ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’  appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Declaring the military fortifications an urgent matter of national security, President Donald Trump on Monday proposed the installation of a sniper nest atop his youngest son, Barron. “We’re going to set up Barron right there on Memorial Circle, where some of the deadliest marksmen in our armed forces will be posted around the clock on his […] The post Trump Proposes Installation Of Sniper Nest Atop Barron appeared first on The Onion.

PHOENIX—Carefully noting several mistakes he’d made while typing up what would ultimately be the worst mistake of his life, local man Carson Myers spent several minutes Tuesday double-checking the career-ending Facebook comment he was about to post for spelling. “Let’s see, is it ‘they’re’ or ‘their’? Phew, that would have been embarrassing,” said Myers, who obsessively tinkered with a […] The post Career-Ending Facebook Comment Double-Checked For Spelling appeared first on The Onion.

SAN ANSELMO, CA—Cursing himself for ever thinking “this museum thing” was a good idea, a frantic George Lucas was reportedly hosing a wasp nest out of R2-D2 Monday ahead of the public opening of his new Museum of Narrative Art. “Hold still, R2—we were supposed to be there 15 minutes ago,” said the 82-year-old filmmaker, […] The post George Lucas Frantically Hosing Wasp Nest Out Of R2-D2 Before Museum Opening appeared first on The Onion.

A new type of tiger cat that’s smaller than a house cat was discovered in the Bolivian cloud forest, marking the first time in a century that a new species of wild cat has been identified. What do you think? The post First New Wild Cat Species Discovered In 100 Years appeared first on The Onion.

The post Pitcher Clearly Ate Rosin Bag appeared first on The Onion.

A Russian businessman with ties to Putin spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding after party, raising ethical concerns and accusations of buying influence. What do you think? The post Russian Oligarch Bankrolls Donald Trump Jr.’s Wedding After Party appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Calling the effort the purest distillation to date of where she is as a dungeon master, pop star Olivia Rodrigo released her long-awaited tabletop roleplaying game The High Winter Elves Of Girlville on Friday. The multiplatinum artist, who appeared on an episode of The Eldritch Lorecast this week, spoke of how the years she […] The post Olivia Rodrigo Releases Fantasy Tabletop Game ‘The High Winter Elves Of Girlville’ appeared first on The Onion.

HUNTSVILLE, AL—Claiming he had looked into the issue per the tenant’s request, local landlord Ernest Morton told one of his renters Thursday that he had no choice but to take the hornets’ side in a recent dispute that occurred at one of his properties. “Look, I empathize with both perspectives on this matter, but at the […] The post Landlord Takes Hornets’ Side appeared first on The Onion.

After a misprint on the invitations, Flores and Acosta had a strict only-kids wedding. The post Freida Flores and Anthony Acosta appeared first on The Onion.

Pet lovers and health experts are divided over whether dogs should co-sleep with their owners. The Onion examines the pros and cons of letting dogs sleep in the bed. PRO They’ll bark to let you know if anyone else is getting into bed Get more use out of matching pajamas Kind of fucked up not […] The post Pros And Cons Of Letting Dogs Sleep In The Bed appeared first on The Onion.

NEW ORLEANS—Wondering aloud if there had been some kind of miscommunication on the part of the league, New Orleans Pelicans players told reporters Friday they couldn’t help but notice they hadn’t been included on the 2026-27 NBA schedule. “I checked the schedule on NBA.com twice, and I don’t see ‘Pelicans’ or ‘New Orleans’ anywhere, so […] The post New Orleans Pelicans Can’t Help But Notice They’re Not On NBA Schedule This Year appeared first on The Onion.

The post I’ve Got A Bad Feline About This appeared first on The Onion.

After two delays, the highly anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI will be released this November. Here is everything we know about the game so far. Open-world activities include playing volleyball, chess, cards, or GTA V Gunshot sound effects performed by Sir Ian McKellen Child support payments carry over from the real world Cars driven in […] The post Everything We Know About ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ So Far appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Insisting that the adjustment was long overdue, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Thursday that it would raise the national murder rate for the first time since 2023. “For far too long, prior administrations succumbed to pressure to continuously reduce the number of Americans being intentionally shot, choked, or stabbed to death, which has led […] The post FBI Moves To Raise Murder Rate For First Time Since 2023 appeared first on The Onion.

Here are the steps the NFL follows to evaluate head injuries. Step 1: Player receives devastating helmet-to-helmet hit that leaves him motionless for 46 seconds Step 2: Spotter initiates protocol after noticing entire offense kneeling in prayer beside teammate Step 3: Referee blows ceremonial gjallarhorn to signal commencement of concussion protocol Step 4: Player is […] The post The NFL Concussion Protocol: How The League Determines If A Player Can Return To The Game appeared first on The Onion.

The post Mitch McConnell Returns To Capitol Hill In Jar Of Formaldehyde appeared first on The Onion.

PHILADELPHIA—Shambling barefoot into a press conference to promote his next show, English artist Ed Sheeran introduced reporters Thursday to the sock puppets he had booked to open for him on his stadium tour. “This is, uh, Jimmy and his songwriting partner, Freddie,” said the 35-year-old musician, who confirmed the white cotton duo would take the […] The post Barefoot Ed Sheeran Introduces Sock Puppets That Will Open For Him On Tour appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS—Seemingly unbothered by his disgrace as he sauntered through the glass doors and onto the Las Vegas Strip, coward Kevin Lombardo reportedly left the Flamingo casino Friday even though he still had a full $200 in his wallet. “I sat there and actually watched that spineless piece of shit miss on his corner bet, gather […] The post Coward Leaves Casino With $200 Left In Wallet appeared first on The Onion.

Judge Judith Sheindlin, better known as Judge Judy, announced that she will step down from the bench after 30 years on TV, opting to pass the baton on to her son. What do you think? The post Judge Judy Retires appeared first on The Onion.

The post Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires appeared first on The Onion.

As a proud, hardworking American, I demand a certain amount of respect. I had hoped to spend part of my morning patronizing this small, locally owned café with the purchase of a coffee and pastry. But instead, I have been rudely informed that my money is not acceptable here, apparently for no other reason than […] The post It Is Unlawful For You To Refuse This Legal Tender, No Matter How Wet It Is appeared first on The Onion.

The anxieties of the surface world are unceasing. Leave them behind and retreat into a subterranean existence. Dimensions unknown. Reference #547834 The post Hole appeared first on The Onion.

The couple finally said “I do” after several months of saying “Why the fuck are we doing this if we can’t even agree on a cake?” The post Emily Sadori and Caroline Fry appeared first on The Onion.

DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—Touting it as an exciting limited engagement that would precede his next official reincarnation, His Holiness the Dalai Lama announced Wednesday that after his death he would participate in a one-year residency inside the body of Bruno Mars. “While I am proud to have served Tibetan Buddhism in my current body since 1940, I could […] The post Dalai Lama Announces One-Year Residency Inside Body of Bruno Mars appeared first on The Onion.

RICHMOND, VA—Feeling the half-chewed contents of their stomachs roil as they retched into their napkins, guests at a local dinner party began gagging Tuesday as their host revealed that they had been eating USDA beef. “I do hope you’ve been enjoying those steaks and that they’ve been prepared to your satisfaction—but now comes the delightful […] The post Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They’ve Been Eating USDA Beef appeared first on The Onion.

A blind man in the U.K. who drove his wife’s car 150 miles while drunk avoided prison time, despite not even having a license. What do you think? The post Blind Man Who Drove 150 Miles Drunk Avoids Jail appeared first on The Onion.

The post NFL Veterans Offer Advice To This Year’s Rookie Class appeared first on The Onion.

The post Angels Set Off Fireworks To Celebrate Base Hit appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Taking a deep breath as she peeked her head out from the wings of the Peacock Theater, Primetime Emmy Awards host Mariska Hargitay reportedly calmed her nerves before the show Monday evening by picturing the entire audience brutally murdered. “Okay, Mariska, you got this, just imagine them all with their throats slashed,” said the […] The post Nervous Mariska Hargitay Calms Self Down By Picturing Audience Brutally Murdered appeared first on The Onion.

President Trump promised a $5,000 “Trump Dividend” to every American adult should Republicans maintain control of both the House and the Senate after the midterm elections, which would likely cost over $1 trillion in total. What do you think? The post Trump Promises Americans $5,000 If GOP Maintains Control Of Congress appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Citing the fact that “cars are fast and everyone likes them” as justification for the new rule, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced Monday that one player on each team would now be permitted to drive a car during games. “Wouldn’t it be fun? We think it will be fun. A car can go much […] The post NFL Announces One Player On Each Team Now Gets To Drive A Car appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that late entries would not be tolerated, producers for the 78th Primetime Emmy Awards issued a statement Sunday warning aging stars that the deadline to be included in this year’s “In Memoriam” segment was midnight. “Our ‘In Memoriam’ slideshow is almost complete, so if any Television Academy members are at death’s door, please […] The post Emmys Producers Warn Aging Stars Deadline For ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Midnight appeared first on The Onion.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Expressing regret over her decision to star in and produce the film Practical Magic 2, co-lead Sandra Bullock told reporters Friday that she should have just had dinner with Nicole Kidman. “Honestly, when the studio came to me and asked if I wanted to do a legacy sequel, I was so excited about […] The post Sandra Bullock Regrets ‘Practical Magic 2’ After Realizing She Could’ve Just Had Dinner With Nicole Kidman appeared first on The Onion.

The post Trump Promises To Take $5,000 From Every American If Democrats Win Midterm appeared first on The Onion.

Onion Sports examines the incredible engineering in today's NFL gear. The post Wired For Performance: The Cutting-Edge Tech Of NFL Uniforms appeared first on The Onion.

GALENA, IL—Calling the woman a “desperate slut” who hadn’t put in a hard day’s work in her life, an anonymous source told reporters Monday that local mother Tara Grunsen had only attained a senior role in her family because she had slept her way to the top. “I hate to say it, but the sole reason […] The post Woman Sleeps Her Way To Top Of Family appeared first on The Onion.

The post Kiss Cam Operator Not Going To Stop Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed appeared first on The Onion.