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Leslie Gaar

@thelesliegaar.bsky.social
342 followers 29 following 580 posts

Writer. Actor. Serial plant killer. Mostly the last one. Words in McSweeney’s, Washington Post, Jim Henson Co, and my notes app.

PostsRepliesMedia
Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 13/07/2026
Saddened to hear about the death of Axe Murderer Fred. He terrorized our community for years, but he did help us get our steps in.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
Men who complain they have to be “perfect” to run for public office are really telling on themselves.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 04/07/2026
Mitch McConnell’s family holds a vigil for him
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 18/06/2026
Workers search for Stephen Miller after numerous sightings of a bottom feeder at the reflecting pool.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
Do y’all think Elon made a monkey paw wish where he’d become a trillionaire, but he’d have to look like a human barrel with a bad toupee?
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
They can probably still get a refund on those lil’ letters Trump added to the Kennedy Center, as long as they kept their receipt.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
Roses are red, Oranges have pith. Nancy Mace ran for governor, She came in fifth.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 07/06/2026
Trump didn’t storm out of that interview so much as he stumblemaxxed.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 04/06/2026
People talk about someone “spinning in their grave” like it’s a bad thing, but I think it’s great they teach DJ skills in the afterlife!
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
Did the president have a stroke? It’s important for administration members to act F.A.S.T.! Fall over yourself to make excuses for him. Always be lyin’. Start a rumor about immigrants and/or the gays. Take another shot.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that Stephen Miller is an ugly fuck.” -The Constitution
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 28/05/2026
It’s outrageous that the Democrats insulted Stephen Miller with a four-letter word. Politics is about civility, like gunning down unarmed citizens, tearing families apart, and protecting rapists.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 24/05/2026
Kash Patel seen running towards the White House when he heard there were 20-30 shots.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
It will be hard for Don Jr. not to have his dad there on the biggest day of his life, but I’m sure he’ll find a way to coke.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 19/05/2026
It’s just like the saying goes: If there are 9 Nazis at a table and 1 person joins them, it’s Mark Cuban.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 09/05/2026
Kinda disappointed they didn’t go the whole hog- er, calf- and have him holding a golden Big Mac.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 04/05/2026
“I’m just out here spreading positivity.” -The worst person you ever met
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 29/04/2026
My latest for @mcsweeneys.net is up and totally unrelated to current events! 😀 "We have to separate the artist from their art. Just because Vorgarg’s biggest hit is 'Humans Are Scum Who Must Be Violently Ruled by Robots,' doesn’t mean he is some human-hating, violent robot."
mcsweeneys.net
I Know Vorgarg the Kazoo-Playing Robot Tried to Kill Us All, but That’s Not Going to Stop Me from Going to His Concert
“We have to separate the artist from their art. Just because Vorgarg’s biggest hit is ‘Humans Are Scum Who Must Be Violently Ruled by Robots,’ doesn’t mean h...
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 29/04/2026
This was a fun one to write!
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 28/04/2026
Human chlamydia gives lecture on disease prevention
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 26/04/2026
I’ll feel so much better about sending my kids to school once their campus ballroom is complete.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 25/04/2026
"You mess with the bull, you get the horns," I whisper as I unlike someone’s post after seeing their other posts.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 25/04/2026
Really need a good night’s sleep, so I’m headed to the Oval Office. ✌️
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 20/04/2026
Today I have filed a 250 million dollar lawsuit against my husband for making allegations that I snore.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 18/04/2026
The next time Kash Patel goes missing, the White House should put a bottle of Jäger on the back porch to try and lure him back.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 14/04/2026
And lo, the Lord said unto her, “Scooch allllll the way down to the end of the table so that ye might reach the stirrups easier.”
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 14/04/2026
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 12/04/2026
“I don’t know, there’s just something off about this Swalwell thing.” Yes, your humanity.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 11/04/2026
Alright, men, we’ve seen enough. We’ll take it from here.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 07/04/2026
Guys, relax. Your former high school classmate who got fired from Applebee’s for smoking meth in the walk-in says bombing Iran is all part of the plan to keep America safe.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 06/04/2026
And Jesus said unto them, “Open the Fuckin’ Tomb, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell! I really Mean it!! Hail Satan! Your favorite Lord and Savior, JHC.”
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 02/04/2026
You can’t just fire Pam Bondi, that will only make her angrier. You have to drive a stake through her heart, turn around 1.776 times, and throw 9A boxed hair dye over your left shoulder.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 01/04/2026
May Kristi Noem get the same amount of privacy she’s given immigrants and their families.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 31/03/2026
May Kristi Noem get the same amount of privacy she’s given immigrants and their families.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 28/03/2026
Why go to a protest when you can just stay at home and tell everyone they're doing it wrong?
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 26/03/2026
As a former pre-k teacher, I’d pay good money to see an AI robot try and teach after getting puked on by a kid.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 22/03/2026
Just did an online workout where the instructor encouraged us not to dissociate from a hard move we were doing and maybe we don’t need therapy speak in EVERYTHING idk
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 20/03/2026
Police: License and registration, ma'am. Me: Ugh ok but do you promise not to look at the picture?
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 18/03/2026
People say theater is dead, but a bunch of senators spent the day pretending to be outraged at Markwayne Bumfuck, knowing they’ll still vote to confirm him.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 17/03/2026
Celebrated my Irish ancestry by getting a sunburn from a 30-minute walk on a cloudy day. 🙏☘️🇮🇪
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 16/03/2026
More like Marty Ain’t Supreme, am I right? I’m a writer.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
Making tacos for dinner tonight 'cause I don't let alliteration control my life.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 08/03/2026
I’ve already changed two clocks in my house like some kind of hyper-driven overachiever.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 07/03/2026
Me: So how long have you lived in Austin? Them: Born and raised here. You? Me: Not as long as that! I got here in ‘97, so… Me: *just notices how young this person is* Me: You were probably just… Them: Yeah I was 3. 😭
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 04/03/2026
I voted for Crockett, I’ll vote for Talarico. Let’s flip this bitch.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 03/03/2026
“I- I will take that down.” For all their bluster and posturing, these people are cowards. Never forget that.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 02/03/2026
"Thanks for inviting me to your party. I liked all the parts except for the part where your cat bit me." -8-year-old at my daughter's birthday party
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 24/02/2026
Can’t wait for tonight’s state of the union so we can hear how the economy has improved by eleventy billion percent, the word ‘beef’ is legal again, and U.S. men are now perpetually erect.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
Every time.
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Leslie Gaar @thelesliegaar.bsky.social · 20/02/2026
Now that the Supreme Court handed Trump his ass over tariffs, he’s gonna announce an investigation into the whereabouts of Bigfoot.
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