The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 22/01/2026Beowulf Suggests Grendel Needs More Trainingthecanonical.netBeowulf Suggests Grendel Needs More TrainingHero scolds radicals who wish to "Abolish Grendel" 031
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 15/03/2025Julius Caesar Tunes Out Wife as She Recounts Dream www.thecanonical.net/p/julius-cae...thecanonical.netJulius Caesar Tunes Out Wife as She Recounts DreamDictator claims he'd rather be stabbed twenty three times than listen for one more moment 151
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 16/11/2024Samwise Gamgee Convicted of Dropping Eavesthecanonical.netSamwise Gamgee Convicted of Dropping EavesConviction takes hobbit farthest away from freedom he's ever been. 043
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 01/08/2024Trump Questions Elrond's Elven Heritagethecanonical.netTrump Questions Elrond's Elven HeritageGOP nominee claims Lord of Rivendell chose to be an Elf at the end of the First Age 001
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 30/06/2024Biden Camp Defends Decision to Put Gríma Wormtongue in Charge of Debate Prepthecanonical.netBiden Camp Defends Decision to Put Gríma Wormtongue in Charge of Debate PrepCritics claim former advisor to Theoden added subtle poisons to Dark Brandon's Secret Sauce 032
Reposted by The CanonicalKyle Duggan @kyleduggan.bsky.social · 11/04/2024before reading the silmarillion: "my shoes came untied" after reading the silmarillion: "a great doom fell upon me, and the bond between my laces was sundered" 61065251
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 04/04/2024Local Jazz Club Shuts Downthecanonical.netLocal Jazz Club Shuts DownOnline reviews mention stale music, lousy food and service 000
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 03/04/2024Wizard Raised in Muggle Society Unable to Repress True Identitythecanonical.netWizard Raised in Muggle Society Unable to Repress True IdentityChild reportedly thriving in new, supportive environment 020
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 02/04/2024Study: Average Celestial Eats 8 Spider-men Each Year While Sleepingthecanonical.netStudy: Average Celestial Eats 8 Spider-men Each Year While SleepingAlso: Researchers debunk myth that Spider-men nest in Celestial helmets 020
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 01/04/2024Count Rugen Explains New Machine Goes to 51thecanonical.netCount Rugen Explains New Machine Goes to 51Rugen says he also forces prisoners to listen to songs in D Minor, which he called the saddest key 000
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 29/03/2024Blathers Accused of Displaying Stolen Cultural Relicsthecanonical.netBlathers Accused of Displaying Stolen Cultural RelicsOwl also refused to comment on coelacanth breeding program 000
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 28/03/2024Editorial: I Asked GamemasterAnthony to Plan My Birthday and It Was a Disasterthecanonical.netEditorial: I Asked GamemasterAnthony to Plan My Birthday and It Was a DisasterI should have never asked those guys to bring it in 000
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 27/03/2024Next Generation of Westerosi Nobles Postponing Marriage After Series of Horrific Weddingsthecanonical.netNext Generation of Westerosi Nobles Postponing Marriage After Series of Horrific WeddingsWedding planners also note that red and purple have become unpopular themes 031
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 26/03/2024Charlotte Replaced With AIthecanonical.netCharlotte Replaced With AIGenerative model described as 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 25/03/2024Editor Says They Love Bilbo’s Book, but There’s No Marketthecanonical.netEditor Says They Love Bilbo’s Book, but There’s No MarketHobbit reportedly comforted by encouragement to keep submitting 030
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 22/03/2024Opinion: I Wish the Guy Playing Piano Wouldn't Talk About Us Like Thatthecanonical.netOpinion: I Wish the Guy Playing Piano Wouldn't Talk About Us Like ThatAlso, his microphone reeks of beer and the piano sounds terrible 000
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 21/03/2024Monsters, Inc. Abandons Laughter After Fear Lobbyists Petition Congressthecanonical.netMonsters, Inc. Abandons Laughter After Fear Lobbyists Petition CongressLegislators eager to bring H.R. 2319 to a floor vote 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 20/03/2024Loki Criticized for Breeding Fenrir Instead of Adoptingthecanonical.netLoki Criticized for Breeding Fenrir Instead of AdoptingDetractors call trickster god's actions, 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 19/03/2024Red Ranger Quotes Rita Repulsa in Controversial Apparel Linethecanonical.netRed Ranger Quotes Rita Repulsa in Controversial Apparel LineFormer hero claims he did not understand significance of Machine Empire emblem featured on website 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 18/03/2024I Don't Know, Something About a Famous Work of Irish Literature and Not About Being Hungoverthecanonical.netI Don't Know, Something About a Famous Work of Irish Literature and Not About Being HungoverPlease don't engage with this post. The notifications seem so loud today 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 15/03/2024Julius Caesar Tunes Out Wife as She Recounts Dreamthecanonical.netJulius Caesar Tunes Out Wife as She Recounts DreamDictator claims he'd rather be stabbed a hundred times than listen for one more moment 031
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 14/03/2024Woman Trades Most-Hated Last Name in Galaxy for Second-Most-Hated Last Name in Galaxythecanonical.netWoman Trades Most-Hated Last Name in Galaxy for Second-Most-Hated Last Name in GalaxyDecision was reportedly made solely to satisfy nosy passerby 031
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 13/03/2024Arrakis Teenagers Tricked Into Buying Orange Sandthecanonical.netArrakis Teenagers Tricked Into Buying Orange SandAuthorities unsure which party broke law 031
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 12/03/2024Achaean Fleet Ruins Skyros Drag Nightthecanonical.netAchaean Fleet Ruins Skyros Drag NightHeadliner kidnapped and pressed to help sack Troy 000
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 11/03/2024Opinion: The Only Way to Stop the Killings Is to Feed Our Children to the Evil Creature in the Sewersthecanonical.netOpinion: The Only Way to Stop the Killings Is to Feed Our Children to the Evil Creature in the SewersDerry can little afford to pay attention to "right" or "wrong" when a clown is eating our kids 041
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 08/03/2024Donkey Kong Starting to Feel a Little Overdressed for Kart Racingthecanonical.netDonkey Kong Starting to Feel a Little Overdressed for Kart Racing"I can't believe I got my tie monogrammed," says ape 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 07/03/2024Holsten's Diner: Guest Review by Tony Sopranothecanonical.netHolsten's Diner: Guest Review by Tony SopranoJersey man says nothing could stop him from finishing these onion rings 000
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 06/03/2024Leonidas Slams Persian Empire as “Woke”thecanonical.netLeonidas Slams Persian Empire as “Woke”Spartan king also targeted "sleepy ephors" 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 05/03/2024Piccolo Celebrates Family Reunion by Meditating Alonethecanonical.netPiccolo Celebrates Family Reunion by Meditating AloneSources say Piccolo shot down Kami's idea of ordering matching t-shirts 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 04/03/2024Tense Kaiju Summit Ends with Preliminary Nuclear Breath Weapon Banthecanonical.netTense Kaiju Summit Ends with Preliminary Nuclear Breath Weapon BanMothra, Kong say treaty will promote peace and environmentalism 000
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 01/03/2024Young Newcomer with No Experience Only Hope for Small Farm Townthecanonical.netYoung Newcomer with No Experience Only Hope for Small Farm TownFarm-based economy may benefit from having farm 011
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 29/02/2024Weyland-Yutani Corporation Struggling to Find Consumer Applications for Xenomorph Bloodthecanonical.netWeyland-Yutani Corporation Struggling to Find Consumer Applications for Xenomorph BloodPerfect organism proving difficult to commodify 030
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 28/02/2024Questions Remain: How Many Did Wesley Kill as Dread Pirate Robertsthecanonical.netQuestions Remain: How Many Did Wesley Kill as Dread Pirate Roberts?Sure, the masked man is the good guy and the prince is the bad guy 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 27/02/2024Shrek Unmoved by Lord Farquaad’s Land Acknowledgementthecanonical.netShrek Unmoved by Lord Farquaad’s Land AcknowledgementDuloc's ruler calls himself a "pretty progressive guy" 031
Reposted by The CanonicalKyle Duggan @kyleduggan.bsky.social · 26/02/2024Tom Bombadil Feigns Enthusiasm for Gift of Red Bootsthecanonical.netTom Bombadil Feigns Enthusiasm for Gift of Red BootsFay figure claims they would clash with his bright blue jacket 042
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 23/02/2024Johto Supreme Court Rules That Eggs Are Pokémonthecanonical.netJohto Supreme Court Rules That Eggs Are PokémonDecision rules that PC Box outage was mass murder 130
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 22/02/2024The Canonical Debates: New York Is Special Because We Have Spider-Man vs. Superheroes Are Literally Everywherethecanonical.netThe Canonical Debates: New York Is Special Because We Have Spider-Man vs. Superheroes Are Literally EverywhereAre dramatic superhero encounters really unique to the Big Apple? 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 21/02/2024Delighted Mobsters Still Debating How Joker Made the Pencil Disappearthecanonical.netDelighted Mobsters Still Debating How Joker Made the Pencil DisappearCriminals admit booking clown for party worked out well 000
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 20/02/2024Jabba Rages After Han Solo Receives Disappointing PSA Gradethecanonical.netJabba Rages After Han Solo Receives Disappointing PSA GradeHutt claims Solo has never been game-used 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 19/02/2024Guest Column: God Responds to Bartlet’s Cathedral Outburstthecanonical.netGuest Column: God Responds to Bartlet’s Cathedral OutburstNote: Column was dictated while God walked through office corridors 011
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 16/02/2024Suspicious Man in Knee-Length Coat Says First Pokémon Is Freethecanonical.netSuspicious Man in Knee-Length Coat Says First Pokémon Is FreeStranger apparently pressed children to give him personally identifiable information 031
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 15/02/2024After Destruction of Mechagodzilla, Alien Invaders Vow to Retaliate with Some Sort of Mechagodzillathecanonical.netAfter Destruction of Mechagodzilla, Alien Invaders Vow to Retaliate with Some Sort of MechagodzillaAdvanced extraterrestrial intelligence hopes to blackmail human scientist into doing hard work for them 031
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 14/02/2024Declining Standards: Most Dinosaurs at Jurassic World Have Greater Than 50% Frog DNAthecanonical.netDeclining Standards: Most Dinosaurs at Jurassic World Have Greater Than 50% Frog DNARegulators reportedly became suspicious after park experienced severe wart outbreak 030
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 13/02/2024Raphael Kicked off High School Wrestling Team After Testing Positive for Performance-Enhancing Oozethecanonical.netRaphael Kicked off High School Wrestling Team After Testing Positive for Performance-Enhancing OozeStudent's brother Donatello had previously been approved to use Ooze as academic concentration aid 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 12/02/2024Gandalf Threatens to Sue Student for Publishing Eagle Tracking Datathecanonical.netGandalf Threatens to Sue Student for Publishing Eagle Tracking DataWizard claims posts forced him to change plans for secret quest 093
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 09/02/2024Neighbors Oppose Proposal to Convert Luigi's Mansion Into Affordable Haunted Housingthecanonical.netNeighbors Oppose Proposal to Convert Luigi's Mansion Into Affordable Haunted HousingExperts say spooky house could provide shelter to dozens of Boos 041
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 08/02/2024Report: Devil Even Further Behind After Ill-Advised Fiddle Contestthecanonical.netReport: Devil Even Further Behind After Ill-Advised Fiddle ContestLucifer's credit takes biggest hit since Faustian loan forgiveness 010
The Canonical @thecanonical.net · 07/02/2024Willy Jumps Back Over Jetty After Seeing State of World's Oceansthecanonical.netWilly Jumps Back Over Jetty After Seeing State of World's OceansOrca finds Pacific less hospitable than undersized tank 011
