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Reposted by The Beehive Letters

The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 25/09/2024

Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon RE: Public Servant WFH Order #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Christopher,

You know, the Wellington CBD seems quieter than usual. Not sure what’s caused it, we think it’s unrelated to the packs of wild dogs we’ve been releasing into Bowen House to expedite the layoff process.

We are getting some calls from businesses in the CBD that allowing government employees to work from home is the problem. They’re saying we should take a leaf out of Amazon’s book, and you’d think axing Fair Pay Agreements would have been enough but nope.

It has got me thinking though. What if our public servants were more like Amazon employees. Nonstop, fighting for their lives, urinating into bottles. And just like Amazon, frantically running through the halls of Parliament looking for cheap disposable trash and artificial dicks.

What a dream. Let’s start by turning off the air conditioning.

Best wishes,
Nicola

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 25/09/2024

Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon RE: Public Servant WFH Order #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

Technology Minister Judith Collins to Christopher Luxon RE: New Parliament Chat Bot #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Sorry, it's too long for alt text but it's a satirical letter from Judith Collins to Christopher Luxon. Full text is on my Instagram.

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 04/09/2024

Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon RE: Messages to South Korea about cancelling the ferries #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Nicola Willis that says:

Hi Christopher,

While you're over in South Korea you might get asked about the cancellation of the new ferries. To prepare you, below are the comprehensive communications that took place around those discussions.

Then it's two texts. The first says: Hi there, can you cancel our order for the ferries? We're pretty sure it can all be done with ramps and higher speed limits.

The second says: Heeeeey. Wee bit of a mix-up there. Do you guys still have those ferries? Would you still honour that quote from 2023? We have all the receipts. Also, do you sell cranes that can pull cars and one train out of the ocean?

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 02/09/2024

Simeon Brown to Chris Bishop RE: Transport Funding Announcement #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Dear Christopher,

How are you? I am fine. I am writing to confirm the announcement we’re making about the transport.

We are demonstrating our love for roads, and for Roads of National Significance by funding 17 of the nation’s most truckable roads. It’s smart. It’s real truckwittery.

We are also supporting our young people to become readier for the real world by no longer funding speed bumps, thus encouraging children to be more agile on our streets. Also no more road safety team for NZTA because we must have nailed driving by now.

Obviously we don’t have anything in there for the ferry, which brings me to our super duper secret announcement – Rows of National Significance. Because eventually that will be the only way we can cross the Cook Strait.

Yay.

Yours Sincerely,
Simeon Brown

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 29/08/2024

Associate Health Minister Casey Costello to Health Officials RE: Mystery Tobacco Policy Document #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Casey Costello to Health Officials. Sorry the text is too long for Bluesky. The instagram account has the full alt text.

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 22/08/2024

Christopher Luxon to Nicola Willis RE: Speech to Local Government Jerks #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical Letter from Christopher Luxon to Nicola Willis

Hi Nicola,

Thanks for your feedback on the speech I’ll be giving to the local government worms. I’ve made some changes, starting with not referring to them as ‘worms’. I respect worms. Here are a few choice excerpts.

“Councils need to focus on core delivery and economic growth. Unless that economic growth involves making their regions a nicer place to live and visit, in which case no.”

“I consider any region that is not specifically serviced by Air New Zealand to be dead to me. Get an airport losers.”

“No more vanity projects. For example, that weird dog statue in Tīrau. Just imagine how many rentals we could make from that corrugated iron, especially now that we’re reevaluating the healthy homes standards.”

“Why can’t you be more like Auckland?”

“Finally, I hate you.”

Check your doors,
Luxon

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 19/08/2024

Louise Upston to Nicola Willis RE: Disability Support Services Switcheroo #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Louise Upston to Nicola Willis

It's too long for the alt text, but you can see it on Instagram.

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 12/08/2024

Louise Upston to Christopher Luxon RE: Beneficiary Crack Down Part Deux #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter
Hi Christopher,

We have that announcement today on our crackdown on beneficiaries. Don’t worry if you haven’t read all the details, neither have I.

It’s important that we pull on as many levers as we can to encourage Jobseekers to look for jobs. Just look at how many people are unemployed right now! So mysterious and completely surprising but at least inflation is coming down.

Speaking of mysteries, what’s not a mystery is how effective it’s already been. Why just last quarter we had to completely cut off 1500 people’s benefit. Where did they go? That’s another mystery. What we do know is that no frontline services have been affected.

Be warned. You’ll get some ridiculous criticisms, like how putting half of someone’s benefit on a card doesn’t make sense when they spend more than half of it on rent. What’s so crazy about giving a large proportion of your income to landlords anyway? Our government did it and look how well we’re doing!

Regards,
Louise Upston

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 08/08/2024

Christopher Luxon to Paul Goldsmith RE: Guide to Communicating with Australians #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Paul,

I wanted to clarify your language when inviting our Australian politicians to the upcoming Matariki festivities. It’s important to remember that Australians are incredibly simple and frankly thick as shit though you won’t hear me say this out loud or in a document that can be easily OIA’d.

First, I would recommend not using ‘Kia ora’ as a greeting. Partly because I’m still mad I couldn’t copyright it for Air New Zealand but mostly because I can guarantee that they’ll have never heard ‘Kia ora’ ever in their lives. Use the indigenous ‘G’day’.

Second, they won’t know what ‘Matariki’ is. But rather than explain, I would say just switch it for ‘The Pleides’, ‘The Seven Sisters’ or ‘Subaru’. They’ll know what Subaru is.

Finally, they’ll have no idea what you mean by ‘Maori’. Maybe go with ‘New Zealand Aboriginals’ or ‘South Pacific Pacific Islanders’.

Keep it simple. Happy to give more tips, I’m known for my clear and concise communication.

Breaker breaker,
Luxon

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 30/07/2024

Health Minister Shane Reti to Christopher Luxon RE: The Fourteen Management Layers of Health NZ #satire #nzpol #kikorangi

This is a satirical letter from Shane Reti to Christopher Luxon but it's too long for Bluesky alt text. You can find it on the Beehive Letters instagram.

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 26/07/2024

Todd McClay to Winston Peters RE: Killer Robot Advisory Group #satire #nzpol #kikorangi

Hi Winston,

As a heads-up, we had a group set up to advise us about killer robots.

Unfortunately that group has now been dissolved, we simply didn’t have the resources to replace the members who kept disappearing after mysterious electrical storms. No idea if it has anything to do with reports of nude, muscle-bound men appearing on Cuba Street though that’s fairly standard for the area.

We’ve got the summary of their findings available. They really wanted David Seymour to see it, his name comes up constantly.

Regards,
Todd McClay

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 20/07/2024

Associate Health Minister Casey Costello to Health Minister Shane Reti RE: Heated Tobacco Products Coming Through! #nzpol #kikorangi #satire

Hi Shane,
Not that I answer to you, but Winston is encouraging us to keep our coalition counterparts updated on our activities where it might be relevant.

We’re dropping the tax on ‘heated tobacco products’ by 50%, based on the advice given in the references field in our bank deposits. It’s a trial. A trial that we’re hoping will answer the following questions:

1. Does reducing the price of a tobacco product reduce nicotine addiction? (Yes)
2. Aren’t cigarettes and cigars also ‘heated tobacco products’ and shouldn’t they also get a tax reduction?
3. Does reducing excise tax on tobacco products improve overall wellbeing in people called Philip and Morris?
4. Could we bring back chewing tobacco to ensure people can still look cool while getting their daily recommended dosage of nicotine?

Now before you ask, no we’re not going to be actually tracking the data on this. You and I both know we don’t want to set any precedents for evidence-based policy decisions.
Regards,
Casey Costello

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 17/07/2024

Darlene Tana to Chlöe Swarbrick RE: Letter of Resignation #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Sorry, this is a satirical letter from Darlene Tana to Chloe Swarbrick but it's a bit long. The full alt text is on our Instagram.

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 22/06/2024

Transport Minister Simeon Brown to Christopher Luxon RE: Aratere Grounding #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Dear Christopher,

This letter is to inform you of the current stranding of the Aratere Ferry. My understanding is that the problem came from a new rudder system. Apparently they had two smaller rudders controlling the main one, and that sent the boat all kinds of wrong directions. It’s all okay though, I’ve sent them some suggestions for fixing it.

1. Cut 30% of the staffing on the ferry and focus the rest on the frontline.
2. Cancel any plans Labour had to deal with the ferries.
3. Ban cellphones on the vessel.
4. Repeal three of the surrounding waters and replace them with ???
5. Prevent any future confusion by changing the boat’s name from ‘Aratere’ to the more recognisable ‘Quick Path’.
6. Send the ferry to a military-style boat camp.

That should fix it.

Yours Sincerely,
Simeon Brown

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 19/06/2024

Christopher Luxon to the National Party RE: Regarding my comments on our trade delegation #nzpol #kikorangi #satire

It's a satirical letter but the text is too long for Bluesky sorry. Go to the Instagram and it's got enough space.

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 16/06/2024

Transport Minister Simeon Brown to Chris Bishop RE: Speed Limit Changes #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Dear Mr Chris Bishop,

I am writing to talk to you roads and how fast you can go on them. We’re asking for public input on speed limits. Not on other policies, but on speed limits where we’re pretty sure they’ll give us the answer we want.

The fact is that a lot of speed limits make no sense. We’re not living in the 90s, and technology has come so far, it’s completely reasonable to assume that the human body can survive much higher velocity impacts than they used to. What with all the reinforcement from the microplastics and what not.

Plus, young people are much quicker these days. That’s why they call them Zoomers.

Yours Truly,
Simeon Brown

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 12/06/2024

Todd McClay to Christopher Luxon RE: He Waka Eke Noa No Way #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Christopher,

I’ll see you at Field Days, make sure you remember to take the tags off your gumboots.

We’re making the announcement to get rid of Waka Eke Noa, but obviously dealing with biogenic methane is much more important than our policy decisions would suggest. Or our trade agreements would require, but that’s a problem for the Trade Minister. Regardless, we’re putting together a new Pasture Sector Group to solve the problem of methane once and for all. All the big hitters – DairyNZ, Beef + Lamb, Federated Farmers, they’ve got the motivation to really make this work.

It’ll be a great announcement to go alongside the new group we’re putting together to really tackle our Predator Free NZ commitments. With a team of such heavy hitters as the Ratfolk, Possum Preservation Society, and Foxes for Foxton, how can we lose?

Regards,
Todd McClay

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 09/06/2024

David Seymour to ACT Party Members RE: Party Rally Line-up #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi, hi, hi,

Hi everyone, boy I am amped for this super positive and friendly rally which will put to bed these rumours of a ‘toxic’, ‘sexist’ party culture. I do intend to address these allegations with our standard ACT Party position – It hasn’t happened to me so therefore it doesn’t happen.

Here’s our super exciting speaker line-up!

Hon Brooke van Velden
Are Tinted Safety Glasses Vital Protective Gear or an Unnecessary Fashion Statement?

Hon Andrew Hoggard
We Don’t Need Freshwater If We Drink Enough Milk

Keynote Speaker: Paul Henry
The Importance of Being Yourself: Boosting the Asshole Economy

Hon David Seymour
We Deserve This

Hey also, can we stop with these rumours that I’m shit scared of Chlöe Swarbrick?

Bye bye bye,
David Seymour

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 04/06/2024

Erica Stanford to Christopher Luxon RE: Special Visas for Gaza Conflict #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Christopher,

I want to update you on our immigration settings regarding the Gaza conflict, and give you a few more talking points to use rather than just repeating ‘Hamas’ over and over. I really need to caution you about the wisdom of seeming less progressive on an issue than Winston.

Now obviously we can’t do a special visa category like we did for Ukraine, because they could fly out (which obviously you support). That’s not the case in Palestine and what would be the point in setting up a special visa unless the applicants were absolutely guaranteed to be able to escape. You know, like in every other conflict.

Anyway, Palestinians fleeing the conflict can always get their New Zealand families to apply for a visitor visa. All they need is identification, easy enough to obtain in Gaza, proof of good health which, again, easy enough to maintain in Gaza, and they have to promise us that they’ll leave eventually.

I’m just not sure what more we can do.

Thanks,
Erica

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 03/06/2024

Shane Reti to Christopher Luxon RE: Cancer Drug Funding #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Christopher,

We’re copping some flak for not funding those cancer drugs that we campaigned on. That said, I would like to propose a few ways to help those with cancer.

First, eliminate taxes for all pharmaceutical companies and watch them shift those new savings to the consumer the same way landlords obviously will.

Second, repeal the Healthy Homes Standards.

You see, as with the discovery of penicillin, it is entirely possible that the millions of unique black mould colonies that would grow in damp rentals could yield new medicines. We would then simply harvest these medicines from the lungs of tenants and bring a new era of health.

I believe the decision is obvious.

Regards,
Shane Reti

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 30/05/2024

Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon RE: Budget Time! Curb Your Enthusiasm! #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Sorry, this is a long one. It's a satirical letter from Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon and the full alt text is on Instagram.

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 27/05/2024

Christopher Luxon to Nicola Willis RE: Self-help Book Recommendations #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Nicola,

I’ve been hearing a lot about your leadership potential. Online, in magazines, from my advisors, lots of places. But it could always be better. Which is where I come in. Here’s a list of my favourite self-help books that I really recommend you take a look at.

• The Inner Game of Tennis
• Blank: The Power of Speaking without Thinking
• Rich Dad, Even Richer Dad
• The 48 Fast-track Laws of Power
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck About The Environment
• New Zealand First Things First
• The Secret (It’s Money)
• Colonic Habits
• Men are from Mars, Dinosaurs Don’t Exist

Hope you enjoy!

Flaps Down,
Christopher Luxon

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 21/05/2024

Christopher Luxon to David MacLeod RE: Donation Declaration Defenestration #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

This is a satirical letter from Christopher Luxon to New Plymouth MP David Macleod. It's too long for Bluesky alt text but check it out on Instagram?

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 18/05/2024

Health Minister Shane Reti to Christopher Luxon RE: A Problem with Winston's Vaccine Mandate Promise #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Shane Reti to Christopher Luxon

Hi Christopher,

I wanted to give you an update on my efforts to fulfil one of our coalition promises. As you know Winston wants a complete end to all Government vaccine mandates. Unfortunately, there haven’t been any vaccine mandates since 2022. And any efforts to explain this to Winston have been met with the usual belligerence, belittling, and demands for vengeance on his enemies.

But I have a solution. We’re going to get our Space Agency to say aliens have arrived, but they’ve made us promise to have a vaccine mandate for our astronauts. Then we’re going to get rid of that mandate.

It’s a classic move. Invent a scary thing, get your supporters up in arms about said scary thing and then promise to get rid of that scary thing. Hey, if it works on New Zealand First supporters it might work on Winston himself.

Also, he hates aliens.

Best wishes,
Shane Reti

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 14/05/2024

Shane Jones to Winston Peters RE: Scandalous Impromptu Dinners! #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Shane Jones

Kia ora Matua,

Alas the media have caught me again. Maverick Shane Jones, having dinner with an acquaintance! Not even a friend! Just a passing meeting with someone who may or may not wish to dig an open cast coal mine on the West Coast.

But surely I cannot be expected to include every dinner I have with interesting people. Elsewise I would have to diary the dinner I had with the delightful fellows who have an interest in our water. Just a sip, they say, just a sup of our water to restock their mothership. I said help yourselves!

Catastrophisers say that these offworlders will drain our lakes and oceans of our precious water, but to that I say do not stand in the way of progress! I, for one, welcome our new overlords and have reminded them that as a trusted politician I will be helpful in rounding up others to serve as organ farms or simply to provide pornography recommendations.

Yours in Bodaciousness,
The Stalwart Shane Jones

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 13/05/2024

Simeon Brown to Chris Bishop RE: Roads of Awesome Significance Today! #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Simeon Brown to Chris Bishop

Dear Chris,
I am writing to tell you about the cool new roads projects that we’re doing, you and me. This is what we got into the job for. Building roads and kissing asphalt. Choice.
I wanted to clarify some of the acronyms we’re using to avoid any confusion.
We have:
RONS – Roads of National Significance
RORS – Roads of Regional Significance
ROUS – Roads of Unusual Significance
ROFL – Roads of Funding Liabilities
RIMS – Roads indicating Middling Significance (A lot of companies keen on RIMS jobs!)
RILFS – You’ll have to explain this one to me

Yours Truly,
Simeon Brown

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Reposted by The Beehive Letters

The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 10/05/2024

Winston Peters to New Zealand First MPs RE: Bill in the Toilet #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Sorry, the alt text for Bsky isn't long enough. It's a satirical letter from Winston Peters about his transphobic bill on toilets. Asshole.

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 10/05/2024

Winston Peters to New Zealand First MPs RE: Bill in the Toilet #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 08/05/2024

Christopher Luxon to Nicola Willis RE: Office Upgrade Costs #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Sorry, this is another silly satirical letter from Luxon to Willis but it's too long for Bluesky alt text. Instagram has the full text.

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 07/05/2024

Mark Mitchell to Christopher Luxon RE: Crystal Clear Details for Prison Announcement #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Silly satirical letter but it's very long for Bluesky alt text. You can see it on Instagram or Facebook. Sorry.

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Reposted by The Beehive Letters

The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 02/05/2024

Winston Peters to Christopher Luxon RE: My 'Defamatory' comments about Bob Carr #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Winston Peters to Christopher Luxon that reads:

Luxon.

By now you’ll have heard my comments on Bob Carr, FORMER Australian Foreign Minister.

Well, I stand by them. And you’ll stand by me if you know what’s good for you. Ignore the calls from the Opposition to stand me down, you answer to a higher power. Me.

I look forward to the defamation suit. This isn’t my first rodeo, and anyone who says it is can expect to hear from my lawyer. Because Winston Peters puts the ‘Fame’ in ‘Defame’.

I also look forward to your statement agreeing with me calling Bob Carr a Chinese Puppet. After all, you out of anyone should know what a puppet looks like.

Peters

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 02/05/2024

Winston Peters to Christopher Luxon RE: My 'Defamatory' comments about Bob Carr #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 01/05/2024

Housing Minister Chris Bishop to Associate Minister Tama Potaka RE: Property Manager Regulation #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Chris Bishop to Tama Potaka

Hi Tama, Chris here (MP Chris not PM Chris),

Wanted to touch base with you about an issue we’re looking at in the Housing portfolio.

It turns out there are thousands of vulture-like birds that prefer to nest on top of rentals. They’re pretty nasty honestly. Lots of shitting on tenants, harassing them, charging them without provocation. Just real opportunists scavenging off the misery of others.

No one likes them. Tenants don’t like them. Landlords don’t like them. I’m pretty sure they even hate themselves.

But if we’re not going to regulate them, why would we waste our time regulating the objectively worse property managers?

Want a smoke?
Chris

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 29/04/2024

Christopher Luxon to Minister of Education Erica Stanford RE: Students on TikTok on Phones at School #nzpol #kikorangi #satire

Satirical letter from Christopher Luxon to Erica Stanford

Hi Erica,

Great that the phone ban is in place, but I’ve noticed something very distressing. If you take a look at my Tik Tok, there are a lot of comments from students claiming to be on their phones whilst at school. Obviously this is unacceptable, and I’ve devised a plan to find out who these miscreants are.

Have you seen the movie ’21 Jump Street’? I want one of our MPs to infiltrate a local high school and catch the criminals so we can put them in a boot camp.

I was going to suggest Simeon Brown but I don’t think he looks old enough, so instead I think it should be Chris Bishop. He already has a lot of experience talking to teenagers.

Over,
Christopher Luxon

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 24/04/2024

Melissa Lee to Christopher Luxon RE: Media and Communications Demotion #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from MP Melissa Lee to PM Christopher Luxon

Hi Christopher,

I completely understand the reasoning behind taking the media and communications portfolio off me. I’m not upset that I wasn’t spoken to about it first, the interview probably would have been boring. But let the record show I absolutely had a great Cabinet paper ready to go to save my job.

I also completely understand that you want to give the portfolio to a more senior minister like Paul Goldsmith. I’ve only been in Parliament for sixteen years compared to his thirteen, that’s a big difference. Plus I’m sure it’s important to have a Māori minister in that position.

Honestly it’s a bit of a relief as now I’ve got more time to apply my sharp instincts and problem-solving skills to Economic Development. I’m pretty sure it’s doing great though!

Best wishes,
Melissa

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 23/04/2024

Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon RE: Frontline Services Cuts #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Nicola Willis to Christopher Luxon

Hi Christopher,

Following up on your question about how the ministry department cuts are going and whether they might affect front-line services.

Now first of all, I challenge anyone to say that this would never affect frontline staff. No, we promised that this wouldn’t harm and would probably help frontline services. Like we can probably get AI to deal with the child exploitation material instead of having actual people.

That said, we may need to change our language from saying this won’t affect frontline services to saying that it won’t affect frontline goals.

And now that I think about it, we might want to switch from ‘frontline goals’ to ‘front line of Ministry buildings’.

You know what? Let’s not overdo it and switch to ‘FRONTLINE® PLUS for Dogs’.

Actually stuff it, let the dogs have fleas. Just remember not to lie with them.

Regards,
Nicola

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Reposted by The Beehive Letters

The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 19/04/2024

Chris Bishop to Simeon Brown RE: Shoulder-taps for the Fast Track Approvals #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Simeon,

I’ve got the list of companies we’re going to shoulder-tap for fast tracking.

• Rio Tinto want to build a second aluminium smelter that they can also constantly threaten to close down.

• Zuru are requesting permission to install a microplastics generator in Fiordland so they can be distributed directly into the environment without the intermediate step of a bunch of shitty toys.

• Amazon and Talleys have both put in applications for adjacent facilities to see who’s better at violently oppressing their workers.

• Wilson Parking have an application to pave Paradise, Central Otago, and put up a parking lot. Fines will start at $1,500.

• There’s a joint application from the big supermarkets to dig a large hole in the Central Plateau that they can dump their millions of dollars of excess earnings in.

Pretty exciting stuff!

Want a smoke?
Chris

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 19/04/2024

Chris Bishop to Simeon Brown RE: Shoulder-taps for the Fast Track Approvals #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 18/04/2024

Melissa Lee to Christopher Luxon RE: Rescuing Newshub! #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Hi Christopher,

Wow, looks like Stuff came in and saved the day with the whole Newshub situation. Wow, so cool. And right before I was about to submit that Cabinet paper on what I was going to do.

I guess I don’t need to show it to anyone now, but boy it was really something. Some really creative ideas. Just as a hint, guess who sent Mark Zuckerberg a DM asking nicely. All he has to do is accept the message request and we’re away sailing.

It’s fine though, I’ll just deactivate the Patreon I set up for Newshub. One of the tiers was going to be Mike McRoberts reads you Hairy Maclary but apparently it’s too erotic. Even for Only Fans. I’ll save that for next time I have to totally put together a Cabinet paper that absolutely exists but don’t go looking for it on the drive because I’ve already deleted it.

Yeah geez, I had some great ideas in there. Winston might have even actually read them instead of sending me an envelope of ashes.

Just doing my best,
Melissa

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 15/04/2024

Simeon Brown to Nicola Willis RE: Long Tunnel for Wellington #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Simeon Brown to Nicola Willis

Dear Nicola,

How are you. I am fine. I am writing to let you know about a cool new idea we have to deal with congestion in Wellington and before you ask, no it’s not better public transport gross.

What if we had a tunnel going from The Terrace all the way to the airport? It’s a totally good idea. We could take like 15 minutes off the commute by cutting across all those suburbs and cutting across at least three fault lines that we know of. And I know about a cool smart guy Elon Musk who has a lot of experience with drilling holes and also digging them.

I know tho, you said we couldn’t have new ferries but this is totally different. Actually, we could probably fill the tunnel up sometimes and sail boats down it. Actually, looking at Wellington’s water system, that’ll probably happen anyway. Good thing Cybertrucks float tho!

Yours Sincerely,
Simeon Brown

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 14/04/2024

Shane Jones to Tama Potaka RE: Fisheries Bycatch, Such Frivolities #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Shane Jones to Tama Potaka

Kia ora Tama,

I do suppose this concerns you as Conservation Minister. By now you will be as aghast as I to discover the extent of by-catch being captured on camera. Dolphins, rare seabirds, the last Atlanteans, all killed in such a needless display of excess. Needless, because we simply need not have such invasive technologies interfering with the work of our noble trawlers.

And so it is my will and decree that we shall remove these cameras. And so too will I remove the limit on catching such animals. If we cannot trust our fishing industry, who can we trust?

I am sure more killer whales are killing sea lions than we politicians. That said, I do invite you now to our monthly seal clubbing expedition. I can’t tell you how important it is to get out and experience our beautiful natural environment while killing a significant portion of it.

Yours in Brutality,
The Stupendous Shane Jones

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 11/04/2024

Chris Bishop to Christopher Luxon RE: Changes to Tenancy Laws #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Satirical letter from Chris Bishop to Christopher Luxon
Hi Christopher, Chris here (Bishop Chris not Penk Chris),

Wanted you to take a look at the changes we’re making to the tenancy laws. The key thing you need to remember, write it down if you need to, is that this makes things easier for Mum and Dad landlords. Like my in-laws, who’ve forgiven me for saying they weren’t family.

Main changes are:

• Landlords can evict a tenant at any point if they fail a ‘vibe check’.

• Landlords own any intellectual property developed by anyone living in their rentals.

• Landlords may now whip their tenants.

• If a landlord dies, their tenants must be entombed with them so they can collect rent in the afterlife.

They’re a little harsher than before, but ultimately these are sensible, pro-tenant policies that will see widespread benefits. Not that we like benefits.

Want a smoke?
Chris

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 10/04/2024

Christopher Luxon to Nicola Willis RE: Consequences of all these cuts #nzpol #satire #kikorangi

Nicola I think we’ve messed up. Bad.

With all of these staff cuts, I don’t think we considered the long term ramifications. And no I’m not talking about the fact that frontline health staff will have to carry out backline work on top of their own workload making meeting targets significantly harder.

Or the generational damage we’re doing to our science and research sector even though I just went on about us becoming one of the most advanced small countries in the world.

And you better believe I’m not talking about how much ground we’re going to lose on our conservation and environmental efforts despite how important tourism is to the economy.

No, it’s just occurred to me that many of those staff were in offices.

Offices with landlords.

My God. What have we done. We’ve hurt the very thing we love the most.

This is the worst thing I’ve ever done.

Mayday,
Christopher Luxon

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The Beehive Letters @thebeehiveletters.bsky.social · 06/04/2024

David Seymour to Student Climate Strikers RE: Ooooh you're in trouble! #nzpol #satire #climatestrike #kikorangi

Satirical letter from David Seymour

Hi, hi, hi,

To whoever is in charge of these ‘strikes’,

Um um ummmm.

I’m telling.

I’m instructing all your teachers to mark you as ‘absent’. Sorry, but actions have consequences. Bet you weren’t expecting that when you decided to strike. Actually, I don’t know what you were expecting, because obviously I’m not entirely sure how strikes work.

If you really want change, get a good education. Then you can have your turn deciding how bad climate change is or not. Better hurry up!

Also, stop calling me ‘Seymour Adeeznuts’. That’s NOT my name!

Bye bye bye,
David Seymour

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