CALGARY – In the wake of Ukraine’s successful drone strikes on Russia’s Yandex data centres, which have allegedly caused bot activity to plummet across the web, the entirety of pro-Alberta Separation posting is now being handled by Elon Musk and a pair of unemployed uncles in Red Deer. “Alberta shold SEPARATE, and Mark Carny SMELLS!” […] The post Elon Musk, two racist uncles, left to do all Alberta Separatist posting after Russian bot farm goes offline appeared first on The Beaverton.

CLARKSVILLE, TN – During a midterm campaign rally, U.S. President Donald Trump thrilled his supporters by ordering them, as well as every other American, to personally mail $20 to Russian President Vladimir Putin to fund his invasion of Ukraine. “Look, I’m doing everything I can as president to help help Russia conquer Ukraine, including sending […] The post Trump demands all Americans chip in $20 to send to Russia appeared first on The Beaverton.

QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has promised that despite the ongoing economic uncertainty in the province, which he constantly exacerbates by responding to US President Donald Trump’s barbs, he will work hard to protect jobs in the province’s crony industry. “Across the entire province, hundreds of henchmen, goons and bootlickers are anticipating hard […] The post Doug Ford vows to protect Ontario’s vulnerable crony industry appeared first on The Beaverton.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Addressing the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth carefully laid out a variety of options for which brand would sponsor his upcoming livestreamed public execution. “Gentlemen, and I do mean men, this is a vitally important decision,” explained a camera-ready Hegseth to the assembled military leaders. “We must choose […] The post Pete Hegseth carefully weighing whether livestreamed execution will be sponsored by FanDuel or Nashville Fried Chicken Doritos appeared first on The Beaverton.

EDMONTON — Local historians say a quaint suburban playground from the early 1980s is responsible for more deaths than infamous American serial killer and cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer. The un-named playground located in Edmonton’s Parkallen neighbourhood appears to have been overlooked by efforts to update city play structures to modern safety standards. According to one mother […] The post Charming 1980s playground has body count higher than Dahmer appeared first on The Beaverton.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following the announcement of Canadian poet Anne Carson as this year’s Nobel Prize in Literature recipient, President Donald Trump unleashed an online tirade insisting he was more deserving of the prize. In a screed posted online Trump insisted that Carson, a celebrated poet and essayist, “couldn’t hold a candle” to his contributions […] The post Furious Trump rails against Canadian Anne Carson winning Nobel Prize in Literature appeared first on The Beaverton.

TORONTO – Election day in Toronto is fast approaching, and polls continue to show Mayor Olivia Chow with a lead over challenger Brad Bradford. So, in a desperate effort to court the bland, middle-aged, white vote, Bradford is quadrupling down. “My campaign is promising real change,” said the mayoral hopeful. “That’s why I legally changed […] The post Desperate Brad Bradford adds another Brad to his name appeared first on The Beaverton.

NEW YORK – With a recall issued for Taylor Farms lettuce in the wake of a cyclospora outbreak, several new betting lines have opened up in the online predictions market Polymarket as to which line of contaminated produce will be the next to evade health inspections and trigger the next epidemic of infectious diarrhea. “I […] The post Polymarket offering bets on next produce that gives everyone diarrhea appeared first on The Beaverton.

QUEBEC CITY – Quebec Premier-designate Paul St-Pierre Plamondon says he’ll be updating his list of problem minorities after networks declared The Parti Québécois will form government with the support of at least one of the other opposition parties. “When TVA Nouvelles said it was going to be a minority parliament, I was shocked because I […] The post Parti Québécois finally finds minority it likes appeared first on The Beaverton.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Trump Administration trade advisor Peter Navarro is accusing Canada of interfering in the upcoming U.S. midterm elections, unfairly distracting from American efforts to interfere in Alberta and Quebec separatist efforts. “It’s utterly unfair that Canadians would attempt to impact our upcoming elections through legal means like lobbying our leaders and counter-tariffing red […] The post Trump admin demands Canada not meddle in midterms so they can meddle in separatist referendums appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA — Pierre Poilievre’s inner circle is at loggerheads over when to release his diss track targeting Prime Minister Mark Carney. Titled “Miss the Mark,” Poilievre said that the track, while pointed, is never profane. “Don’t worry, parents. There’s no inappropriate language, like the F-word, or ain’t.” Poilievre’s team is considering two release times for […] The post Poilievre team divided over when to drop Mark Carney diss track appeared first on The Beaverton.

Panama Canal, NY – The Trump administration has begun a international search for another large trade route to completely fuck up after successfully fucking up both the strait of Hormuz and Gordie Howe bridge. “There’s just too many routes operating smoothly,” stated Trump in a recent press conference. “As a businessman first, it is my […] The post Trump administration eagerly looking for third trade route to completely fuck up appeared first on The Beaverton.

TORONTO – Rogers Communications has announced that with the purchase of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment and all its professional sports teams, the telecom giant has also taken full ownership of everything Ross Meyer, 33, and his father are capable of discussing at length. This acquisition came after Rogers bought out Bell’s remaining 25% stake […] The post Rogers completes takeover of everything son talks to local dad about appeared first on The Beaverton.

VANCOUVER – Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced more than one billion dollars in federal funding to keep the ocean safe from the consequences of his own actions. “As an Oxford-trained economist, you can trust me when I say $1.2 billion is a lot of money,” said Carney. “Is it substantially less than what we’re […] The post Carney announces $1.2B investment to protect oceans from his own climate policy appeared first on The Beaverton.

CANADA – After beginning a trade war with Canada over its refusal to join the United States, Donald Trump this week said he expects Canada to come to him and say “sir, we are sorry,” for the breakdown of trade talks. Apology experts say that would be an impossibility at this point, due to the […] The post Trump becomes only object on Earth exempt from Canadian urge to apologize appeared first on The Beaverton.

ITHICA, NY – As punishment for drugging and gang-raping a young woman for over seven hours in 2024, Cornell University has assigned the seven known perpetrators to make ChatGPT generate their essays. “We really want this emotionless plagiarizer machine to think hard about what these seven men did,” said Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff. “Seeing as […] The post University assigns Cornell 7 to get ChatGPT to write their essays appeared first on The Beaverton.

BRANDON, MB – 4-year-old Mikaela Hermer’s imaginary restaurant, in which she served invisible hot dogs and ice cream to her parents and friends, has filed for bankruptcy after being acquired by Hedgestone Holdings Ltd. “Mikaela’s Restaurant”, known for its cheerful service and convenient location inside her parents’ living room, was purchased via a leveraged buyout […] The post Child’s imaginary restaurant acquired, shuttered by private equity appeared first on The Beaverton.

CALGARY – With the Alberta Separatism referendum fast approaching, pro-separatist groups have launched a new campaign to entice investment dollars to their chaotic barely-planned idea for a country. In the wake of Prime Minister Mark Carney’s Canada Investment Summit, which saw potential trillions of dollars earmarked for Canadian projects, Alberta Separatist groups have been quick […] The post Alberta Separatists unveil development slogan: “Come invest in our unstable breakaway republic!” appeared first on The Beaverton.

Disney Plus, CA – A local night out has soured after Marvel fan Dan Lee has found out you plan to watch Avengers: Doomsday without first consuming 16,000 hours of marvel content. “You wouldn’t watch Godfather 2 without seeing the first Godfather,” explained the avid Marvel consumer. “So how could you watch Avengers: Doomsday without […] The post Marvel fan can’t believe you’re watching Avengers: Doomsday before catching up on Loki, Plantman and Thornboy, or Hawkeye’s Son appeared first on The Beaverton.

VICTORIA, BC – After capitalizing on the disarray of the opposition Conservative party and calling a snap election, David Eby finds himself trailing in the polls to a leader to be determined at a later date. “I figured it was a slam dunk,” said a baffled Premier Eby. “The Conservative party was fractured and fighting […] The post David Eby losing election to TBD appeared first on The Beaverton.

“It was Implied!” Luke and the Panel (Ian MacIntyre and special guest Jocelyn Geddie) talk about Carney using the Trade War to govern even further to the right than Harper, Trump’s anger over Canada’s non-deal to not join the EU, and his disastrous attempt to import Belarussian Potash. Then the Approximately 10 Minute Long Quiz […] The post “This is what Canadians elected us to do,” says Liberal Minister about policy never mentioned once during campaign appeared first on The Beaverton.

The Alberta Referendum on potentially leaving Canada is less than a month away. And as part of the Alberta Government’s advertising campaign to inform Albertans on their options, the government has sponsored this quiz to help people determine how to vote. We hope you will find it very helpful in informing your decisions. The post Quiz: how should you vote on the Alberta Separation Referendum (sponsored by the Alberta Government) appeared first on The Beaverton.

TORONTO — With the 2026 MLB season nearly over and the 2026-27 NHL season about to begin, the Toronto Blue Jays and Toronto Maple Leafs have been eliminated from playoff contention. “It’s sad to see the Blue Jays bow out, but at least now I can turn my full attention to the hope and optimism […] The post Blue Jays, Maple Leafs eliminated from playoffs appeared first on The Beaverton.

MENLO PARK, CA — As Meta’s totally cool, definitely-not-creepy smart glasses become more popular with tech bros and straight-up pervs, the tech company is reportedly baffled as to why their glasses which can record people without their consent aren’t catching on with “the ladies.” “We see so many instances of men using smart glasses to […] The post Meta unsure why women not buying pervert glasses appeared first on The Beaverton.

VICTORIA – B.C. Conservative Party leader Kerry-Lynne Findlay has resigned in order to spend more time kicking members of her family out of the house. “I have been honoured to be the second longest serving leader of the B.C. Conservatives,” said Findlay in reference to her nearly 5 month tenure. “But at this critical time […] The post Kerry-Lynne Findlay resigns to spend more time expelling family members appeared first on The Beaverton.

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald J. Trump has pledged to extract terrible, systematic revenge on all of Canada for daring to enter talks with the European Union, just as soon as he finishes losing the war he started in Iran. “These Canadians are going to pay a terrible price for daring to trade with anyone […] The post Trump vows to punish Canada for EU alliance as soon as he finishes losing Iran war appeared first on The Beaverton.

WASHINGTON D.C. – After banning press outlets including CNN, MS Now, and Politico, President Donald Trump has removed numerous other journalists, leaving only those he trusts to portray him in the most flattering light. “Those of you left, you’re the only ones who will report the truth about how I am winning the trade war […] The post Trump reduces White House Press Corps to Stephen Miller in a moustache, various podcasters appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA — After multiple labour sources warned that the Federal government would likely be issuing binding mediation legislation as early as next week, Mark Carney personally assured Canadians that even though the legislation was named “Operation Strike Destroyer,” that didn’t mean that it would pose a threat to future strikes. “My fellow Canadians,” Carney stated […] The post Carney government promises upcoming “Operation Strike Destroyer” legislation won’t discourage future strikes appeared first on The Beaverton.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – United States President Donald Trump has blasted Canada’s recent proposed alliance up to the European Union, insisting the new partnership is tantamount to picking on him personally. “It’s really not cool for Canada to go around bragging about how many friends they have. Very mean thing to do,” Trump posted on his […] The post Trump says Canada having more friends is bullying appeared first on The Beaverton.

LONDON — At a press conference today, singer Ed Sheeran announced that, despite all of his previously scheduled opening acts quitting over his firing Macklemore, his tour will continue as scheduled, with Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu doing a beatboxing set. “I’m appalled by the conflict between Israel and Palestine,” Sheeran said as Netanyahu did […] The post Ed Sheeran welcomes new opening act: Beatboxing Netanyahu appeared first on The Beaverton.

BRUSSELS – A recent statement by the European Union has clarified that the bloc’s main interest in Canada becoming an Associate Member is to get them to take away some of the junk the United Kingdom forgot at their headquarters. “Canads is a growing nation with much to offer Europe. Like storage space and junk […] The post EU asks Canada to join in hopes they take some stuff Britain left at their office appeared first on The Beaverton.

Montreal, QC – In a surprising show of good faith, Montreal Canadiens fans removed their long-standing burning effigy of NHL forward Chris Kreider after it was announced that he would be joining the team on a one-year contract. Kreider, 35, has been persona non grata in the province since 2014, when then-New York Ranger Kreider […] The post Habs fans forced to replace burning effigy of Chris Kreider with regular effigy appeared first on The Beaverton.

TORONTO – Prime Minister Mark Carney’s Canada Investment Summit, in which executives and global asset managers have gathered to discuss investing hundreds of trillions into Canada’s economy, reportedly kicked off with a ticketed raffle to take home Prince Edward Island. “$2 per ticket, or $10 for an arm’s length to take home Canada’s most adorable […] The post Canada Investment Summit attendees enter raffle to win PEI appeared first on The Beaverton.

SILICON VALLEY – The CEOs of OpenAI, Anthropic, and GrokAI have released a statement agreeing that claiming artificial intelligence “could potentially kill all humans” sounds much more awesome than just admitting that they blew a fortune on glorified chatbots. “We, the undersigned oligarchs in charge of these impossibly vast empires, do solemnly attest that AI […] The post Tech oligarchs agree calling AI “too dangerous” way cooler than just admitting it doesn’t work appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA – With his Conservative Party trailing the governing Liberals by double digits in recent opinion polling, a desperate Pierre Poilievre today announced his latest plan to boost his popularity: a ‘Fuck a Fan’ contest. After losing last year’s federal election, Poilievre admitted today at a press conference that he has had difficulties connecting with […] The post Desperate Poilievre announces “Fuck A Fan” contest appeared first on The Beaverton.

ARLINGTON COUNTY, VA – Awakening briefly, President Trump addressed Americans assembled to pay their respects to the victims of the September 11th attacks, insisting that his mid-morning nap constituted a moment of silent reflection. “Sure, I may have fallen asleep onstage while some idiot was droning on about ‘never forgetting’,” said the President, referring to […] The post Trump notes that falling asleep onstage at 9/11 ceremony technically counts as moment of silence appeared first on The Beaverton.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — US President Donald Trump waxed nostalgic about how he single-handedly prevented the September 11 terrorist attacks from ever happening. Trump told a group of supporters that, if it weren’t for his heroic actions — simultaneously carried out in four different locations — more than 3,000 people would be dead. “I remember it […] The post Trump reminisces about how he single-handedly prevented 9/11 from ever happening appeared first on The Beaverton.

Moncton, NB – A local family says they are looking for answers after their mother openly chose to eat at a different rotisserie chicken chain. Trudy Daly, 45 and mother of three, is accused of betraying the family’s trust by engaging with a restaurant not appearing on the family’s list of trusted establishments. “I don’t […] The post Local woman betrays family history by eating at different chain restaurant appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA – With anti-American counter-tariffs taking effect as of September 8th, Canadians will be forced to make due without easy market access to their most-purchased American products, namely chrome balls to hang from the rear of one’s pickup truck. Prime Minister Mark Carney did not mince words about the sacrifices Canadians will now face due […] The post Counter-Tariffs take effect as Canadians brace for life without American truck nutz appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA – Last weekend, Canada’s Ministry of National Defence confirmed their main strategy to fend off a potential invasion from the United States is to wait for American forces to be killed off by the many preventable diseases currently plaguing the country. “To quote The Art of War, the opportunity of defeating the enemy is […] The post Canada confirms defence strategy against invasion mainly waiting for Americans to die from preventable illnesses appeared first on The Beaverton.

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Earlier this week Canadians noticed that Hilroy had excluded Newfoundland and Cape Breton from the map of Canada on the cover of their latest notebooks. Today, the company confirmed that it was no accident. “You want your precious Newfoundland back? We have some demands,” Hilroy announced in a ransom note written neatly […] The post Hilroy to remove additional province from map of Canada every year until demands met appeared first on The Beaverton.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth has posted disparaging comments about female Canadian Air Force cadets, all while maintaining his busy schedule of personally inspecting the testicles of every single US service member in order to gauge their virility. Hegseth posted the remarks weeks after directing the U.S. military to begin screening soldiers’ […] The post Hegseth pauses busy schedule of inspecting soldiers’ scrotums to make weird comments about Canadian teens’ bodies appeared first on The Beaverton.

GANDER, NFLD – Controversial U.S. Ambassador Pete Hoekstra’s announcement that he will head to Newfoundland as part of the delegation commemorating the 25th anniversary of 9/11 has inspired a sequel to the hit broadway musical “Come from Away” about his reception. While “Come from Away” has become an international sensation recounting the welcome stranded Americans […] The post Come from Away sequel will see Newfoundlanders put the friggin’ boots to Pete Hoekstra appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA – Conservative members and officials are sticking by leader Pierre Poilievre for now, insisting they will only vote to remove him if the voters give indication they don’t like him. “I’ve had my doubts about Pierre’s electability” said MP Clancy Meyer. “But until the nation’s voters have an opportunity to make their stance clear, […] The post Conservatives vow to get rid of Poilievre as soon as voters send some kind of sign they don’t like him appeared first on The Beaverton.

Hamilton, ON – As rolling blackouts leave entire neighbourhoods sweating in the dark, local landlord Gary Feltch has reassured his tenant that the air conditioning unit he has failed to repair for eight weeks is a “character-building opportunity” she should be grateful for. “Resilience isn’t forged in comfort,” Feltch said Tuesday, speaking from the fully […] The post Landlord reminds tenant that Broken A/C builds resilience appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA – Following a clean sweep of last night’s 3 by-elections, Prime Minister Mark Carney immediately declared that his Liberal party would also pick up 3 additional seats in this Novembers U.S. midterm elections. “Beaches-East York! North Vancouver-Capilano! And even… Chicoutimi-Le Fjord! They said my Liberals couldn’t pull it off, and to that I said […] The post Overconfident Carney vows to win 3 more U.S. midterm races after Liberal by-election sweep appeared first on The Beaverton.

COSTA RICA – A Vancouver man boasting a 500-day Duolingo streak was stunned to discover during a recent vacation that conversations with real Spanish speakers are not, in fact, multiple choice. The man in question, 34-year-old Tyler Miller, said he realized something was off from the start. “Day one at our resort, the bartender hit […] The post Man with 500 day Duolingo streak surprised real Spanish conversations not multiple choice appeared first on The Beaverton.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – Google Maps has changed the name of Lake Ontario to “Lake America” for their U.S. users, after realizing President Trump’s willful malevolence had distracted the public from how terrible tech giants are, namely Google. Following an executive order from President Trump to rename the Great Lake, his latest salvo in his […] The post Google Maps changes name to Lake America after people start to forget tech giants also pretty awful appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA – Following news of the passing of Montreal-born actor Peter Cullen, best known as the voice of Optimus Prime, nerds across Canada are demanding Ottawa hold a state funeral for the late performer. “Optimus Prime taught me to be a better person,” says Kevin Plamandon, 42 of Gatineau, QC. “For example, in the episode […] The post Canada’s nerds demand state funeral for Montreal-born voice of Optimus Prime appeared first on The Beaverton.

OTTAWA – After Donald Trump signed an executive order renaming Lake Ontario “Lake America,” Prime Minister Mark Carney announced he would preemptively rename the rest of the Great Lakes as “Lake Legal Adult” in order for the president to immediately lose interest in touching them. “Our friendship with the United States has been in almost […] The post Carney to rename rest of Great Lakes as “Lake Legal Adult” so Trump will never want to touch them appeared first on The Beaverton.