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Jimmy Valmer

@standupjimmy.bsky.social
72 followers 49 following 1.4K posts

Aspiring standup comedian born with cerebral palsy. Comedy can be the best therapy very much. Wow, what a terrific audience! (IMPORTANT NOTICE: If I don’t know you, do NOT @ me, or you will be blocked!)

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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 06/10/2026
I don’t wanna know the truth! We both know it was your fucking fault either way!
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Did you hear about the guy who streaked in a church? They caught him by the organ.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
If Butters and Scott are willing to give Linda a chance, then I guess I am too. I can see that she really regrets her bad decisions and wants to redeem herself. Stephen was a terrible influence on her, and he put her and Butters through so much abuse.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
I don’t trust Linda.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
Life is like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
They’ll hurt him again. I know it. People like that never change.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
To say that I hate Cartman would be an understatement.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
JUSTICE FOR BUTTERS! JUSTICE FOR BUTTERS! JUSTICE FOR BUTTERS! JUSTICE FOR BUTTERS! JUSTICE FOR BUTTERS! JUSTICE FOR BUTTERS! JUSTICE FOR BUTTERS! JUSTICE FOR BUTTERS! JUSTICE FOR BUTTERS! JUSTICE FOR BUTTERS!
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
Of all the stupid things Cartman has done, this is his masterpiece! This takes the fucking cake!
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
Cartman, come here! Now!
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
FUCK’S SAKE!! FUCKING CARTMAN!!
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
Cartman did what?!
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 20/09/2026
I shouldn't have these feelings.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
If Butters’ party is at Casa Bonita, should we take all of his presents there? He’ll wanna open them during his party.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
Happy birthday, Butters! I love you, buddy.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
You would rather play a fucking football game than attend Butters’ birthday? Do you care how much that’s gonna upset him?
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
// That was quick.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
Butters will be impressed. I didn’t think my idea would work.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 02/08/2026
Why was Dracula kicked out of art college? He could only draw blood.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 01/08/2026
I haven’t seen Butters for a while.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 30/07/2026
What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say when he saw Darth Vader again? “Nice suit, must have cost you an arm and a leg.”
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 30/07/2026
How did Anakin Skywalker kill Mace? He threw him out of the Windu.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
I came up with the fishsticks joke. Period. It’s not even a debate.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
6-7 is not funny. Never was, never will be.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 26/06/2026
I’m gonna get us some drinks. What would everybody like?
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 26/06/2026
This is what life is really all about. Having fun with our friends. Don’t you think?
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 26/06/2026
We’re going to the water park!
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
// I don’t like Russell T. Davies anymore. He completely screwed us Doctor Who fans over.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
If Butters doesn’t wanna apologise to Craig, you shouldn’t force him.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 09/06/2026
Why is Butters crying? Did somebody upset him?
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 07/06/2026
Ow! Oh, ow!
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 01/06/2026
Last night I had a Jurassic curry. It very hot and spicy, and it gave me a megasoreass.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
Me and Scott are taking Butters out for the day tomorrow.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
// Justice is about to be served.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
The French word for “seal” is “phoque”. It sounds like “fuck”. Lazy phoque, sick phoque, sick twisted phoque and dumb phoque.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 18/05/2026
I’m going to the airport to meet Butters and Scott. Anyone coming?
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 17/05/2026
Butters is coming home tomorrow!!
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 16/05/2026
// Hungry Tweek
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 12/05/2026
Where is Padme? Is she safe? Is she alright?
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 11/05/2026
Somebody threw a Pepsi at me, but it didn’t hurt. Thank God it was a soft drink.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 10/05/2026
I need your help, my little FuckBob Shitpants.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 08/05/2026
Cartman is a sadist.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
gofund.me/7a480cd07
gofund.me
Donate to Support Peter Pardo's Fight Against Brain Cancer, organized by Shirley Martinez
We are setting up this GoFundMe on behalf of our friend Peter Pardo… Shirley Martinez needs your support for Support Peter Pardo's Fight Against Brain Cancer
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
// Pete Pardo has brain cancer… 💔
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 04/05/2026
When is Butters coming back?
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 30/04/2026
// Fish fingers and custard.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 29/04/2026
Garfield’s eyes look like a pair of tits.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 27/04/2026
[dips his feet in the water at Stark’s Pond]
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 25/04/2026
// If you’re easily offended, don’t watch Love Thy Neighbour. Luckily, I have a sense of humour.
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Jimmy Valmer @standupjimmy.bsky.social · 23/04/2026
I’m not getting involved.
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