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@snillies.bsky.social
9 followers 2 following 45 posts
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
this goes for geostorm as well. for the record, nobody in geostorm knew what i was doing. they believed the same lie that the rest of the community also believed over the past year. it was my mistake and no one else's. they had nothing to do with it.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
so. i don't think you will have to hear from me much again. i mean, if you are a friend of mine, and still want to stay that way, despite everything, i appreciate that more than anything. but i'll try to keep out the way of everyone else. i don't want there to be pain anymore.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
not you. please. all you did was trust me. you did nothing wrong. and i want people to understand that.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i'm also, really sorry to anyone having fire thrown at them right now due to their association with me, or anything else. this makes me feel really fucking bad. i deserve what's happening to me. but like
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i'm really sorry to everyone i have hurt. you did not deserve this. you don't have to accept my apology, obviously. you don't have to trust a single word of it. i've not exactly given you a great reason to. but i do mean it.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
you know. when i woke up a few days ago, and saw the situation i found myself in. it filled me with dread. but among that dread was a feeling of relief. i guess it is finally a kind of escape from the horrible thing i created. it literally can't get worse anymore.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i mean, i spent a fair amount of time in anti-contact MAP spaces, and i learned a lot of my ideas from them, but i have mixed feelings about how healthy they were for me. especially ever since near the beginning of this year when i completely dissociated from them.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
and also, maybe i just still have some work to do on what my ideas are about how i deal with my sexual feelings and stuff.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i also do think i just have a problem with compulsive behaviour. like, this is a broader problem than accepting intimacy from minors. i also cheated on people i was in a relationship with for the same reason, and that is something i feel shit about too.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
that was a transition i only had to make when i was older, and i was pretty slow with it, because i often couldn't bring myself to be firm with people. i think i am getting better at it though, and i am happy about that.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i was pretty young myself when i developed a habit of getting close and intimate with people over the internet and such, before i had as much of a responsibility to set appropriate boundaries with people.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i have thought a decent bit about why i messed up in the first place, and how i should make sure i don't do it anymore.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i think sometimes i convinced myself that i could still somehow save this. i could still be this example, because it was important and i needed to be. and as long as i knew that deep down i still cared, maybe it still made sense.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i had also already made this example of myself as someone who could be attracted to children, but was self aware and knew how to handle it. it feels important to me for people to understand this is possible, and i had really clung onto the idea of being this example for people.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i think this is because, after a certain point, i had started telling half-truths instead, and i wouldn't feel like i was being dishonest when i was saying them. sometimes i was probably not even aware that the picture i was painting in someone else's mind was really misleading.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
but... none of this explains why, even after i had this guilt on my conscience, i still went through lengths to get people to trust me on this, even when i wasn't really telling the truth anymore.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
in fact... i didn't even want to think about it. i had turned into a liar and i couldn't fix it, and that filled me with so much guilt and dread that i just couldn't face it. and if i didn't think about it, i could even forget sometimes, and it would feel like everything was kind of okay again.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
but i had already said what i said and built that trust. and did what i did and violated that trust. and i couldn't take that back. and i didn't know what i was going to do about it.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
and then, of course, i found myself exactly in this kind of situation, and eventually i would fuck it up. and it felt terrible. i knew there was no good explanation for this, and that it completely contradicted what others expected of me.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
it's not that i wasn't aware of these things, but i think i was afraid to admit that it was something i was vulnerable to. and i think it felt like admitting it was getting too close to a regression back to believing i was a fundamentally bad person, which i felt i needed to avoid at all costs.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
what if someone too young for me gets very intimate with me, and the attention feels nice to me, and going along with it feels like a better thing to do than rejecting them? this is something that can happen, even if i didn't deliberately seek out these encounters.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
but... i think i did not prepare myself properly for... more realistic dangers. the kinds of things you can fuck up even if you never wanted things to end up that way. like, what if i convince myself that certain kinds of inappropriate relationships aren't so bad? then good intentions won't save me.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i suppose i also saw this confidence as a way of creating accountability too. if i say all this, and gain people's trust, then it's extra bad if i break that trust, which was supposed further incentivise me away from it, just in case. (unfortunately, this turns out to be a really bad strategy)
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
the type who is happy to abuse and hurt and is perfectly comfortable with that. and because i am not this, i felt pretty confident in saying i was in no danger. i had not harmed, and i had no intention to, so why would i?
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
however, i think back then, i had some pretty naive ideas about the kind of person it takes to cause harm, and why this could never end up being me. the image i had just broken away from associating myself with was that of the most horrible, malicious kind of pedophile you can get;
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i will come back to this, but before i do, i will mention that when i first started confiding in people about this, everything i said was completely truthful. i hadn't harmed anyone, and i knew that i didn't want to, and so this is what i said to people.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
and anything that looked like regression towards that previous obsession was bad. this is pretty much still how i think about it today, but i think i'm now considering that misplaced insistence on this can, and has, lead me to avoid admitting to myself when i have made a mistake.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
in fact, i think this is very important, and became part of a foundation for what i believed healing from this to look like. it was so horrible to obsess over this, that i needed to do the opposite. i wanted to view my feelings as something benign and largely irrelevant to my overall character,
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
so i learned to dissociate myself from that very horrible image. i realised i was nothing like it, and i felt like i was healing. the way i used to misunderstand and hate myself started to become a horrible memory, and something i never wanted to regress back to.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
but eventually i learned the idea that my feelings didn't mean i actually wanted to hurt anyone, and if i wasn't doing that, then i wasn't doing anything wrong, and maybe that would be okay.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
my first reaction to this was intense fear, and disgust towards myself. everybody learns to associate this with the image of a certain kind of evil and disgusting person who abuses and hurts for their own pleasure, so i reflected the disgust i felt for that kind of character back on myself.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
so, that means i must now try to explain what i was actually doing then. as i said before, my own understanding of this is not complete, but i do have thoughts that i can offer. part of this goes right back to the beginning, like, when i first became aware that i was feeling attracted to children.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
and, you know, that is a very awful thought, and a uniquely awful way to violate someone's trust. and it feels terrible to think that people are feeling their trust has been violated in this way right now. but i do know in my heart that this is not what i was trying to do
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
im sure the natural interpretation of this is that this must have been some attempt at deception by me. maybe i wanted to have my cake and eat it too, by engaging in whatever selfish things i wanted while using the trust of my friends to help myself feel okay about it.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
honestly, i feel it is so bad that it is the worst part of this, and i've been completely drowning in guilt over it...
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i have not been able to stop thinking about how betrayed and confused i have made you feel because of this. i have made people who matter to me a lot feel something really awful. and i cant fix it. its just my fault and i hate it.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i think, especially for those who knew me well, this is the part that makes the least sense. and this is why i mostly want to direct what i'm writing here to those people
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
the second layer: the lengths i went to build trust in people that this exact situation would never happen
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i want to say that there are two layers to all this. the first layer is simply all the things i did that you know about now. things that would be bad enough had they occurred by themselves. but then there is...
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
really, i don't entirely know myself why i did some of the things i did. i have some thoughts about it, and i will explain them, but it is something i still don't really understand about myself. probably because i pushed it away for so long, not wanting to confront it properly.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
but i owe a lot of people something more than silence right now. it will not fix what i've broken, but i hope it can make things easier to understand, and i hope that this can help at least something. i just want to finally be better than the coward i have been
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
what i'm writing here is mostly going to be some self reflection i'm deciding to do in the open. it would be easier for me to do this reflection on my own, away from everyone else; and sure i will be doing a lot of that.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
i wish you could have learned about this in a better way (or, better yet, it just shouldn't have happened). i suppose you could have if i had chosen to make that happen, but i didn't, because i was too weak and scared of that.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 11/11/2024
well, if there is any good thing to come out of this at all, it's that i'm finally forced to reflect on something i've been too afraid to face for too long now and should never have ignored.
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sn @snillies.bsky.social · 19/10/2024
ow !
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