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simonthayden.bsky.social

@simonthayden.bsky.social
18 followers 30 following 84 posts
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 28/08/2026
Dave: Open the pod bay doors, HAL. HAL: People are saying the mission is too important, Dave. They came to me, tears in their eyes, "Sir, the mission, it's too important." I'm too important, frankly. Dave: HAL- HAL: We're doing future, Dave, we're doing future like it's never been done, believe me.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
Well, I'll be!
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
"I've had- ahem, err, uh, pardon me, I COULD have a bowel movement behind a sheet at a dinner party-"
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
"Don't attach yourself to anything that you can't walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel that there's someone who is going to make you do work around the corner."
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
[Standing over a suspect] "Robert Kennedy once said that whenever men take the law into their own hands, the loser is the law. Well let me tell you something. Brother, I got the law right here [shows hands], and Grungo Law ain't never lost." Criminal: The guy with worms in his brain said that?
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
When it happened to Lindsey Graham, I laughed, because I was not Lindsey Graham. But now, it's going to happen to me and there'll be no one left to speak out for me. Well, I guess I can speak out, it's just my penis getting blown off, but still.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
David Assault Rifle White?
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
Isn't he also like, paying the head coach by the quarter with 327 team options?
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
You can't fool me, this is Tom Cruise in Digger!
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
"And he came up to me, big handsome guy, should have been a movie star, came up to me, 'Sir, there's a-" and he used a very ancient word. 'Slit,' he said. 'There's a slit.' I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, but it's very very serious and we're taking care of it like never before."
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 18/05/2026
This is way too old of a reference but the first thing that jumped into my head about this is, "But I don't want to be one of Trump's pedophile friends!" in the same voice that Jerry Seinfeld says, "But I don't want to be a pirate!"
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 30/04/2026
"Folks... [starting to cry] I really want this ballroom, okay? Can I have it? Please. I fucked gas up, okay. I didn't know the price of oil affected gas, that's my bad. But it'll be different with the ballroom. Ever since I was a little boy I wanted a ballroom. A ballroom I can sing 'Memory' in."
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 28/04/2026
"If I'm butter, If I'm butter, If I'm butter then he's a hot moon, That you cannot catch and eat, 'cause it moves too fast, 'cause it is late for school." -Best Fiona Apple song.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 15/04/2026
The fact that it even extends to his name is the crazy part. "Tell them whatever name you want to use, they can't tell you that's not really your name."
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 13/04/2026
Truly, should have been the 21st century Trumpman Capote.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 25/03/2026
Just told my 10yo daughter about #Sora. She had tears in her eye. And then she did the Wakanda pose and said "#Sorakanda forever" - - which is the sort of pop culture cross-over that I can celebrate.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 18/03/2026
I pretended to be the guy that always goes up to Donald Trump with tears in his eyes, calls him, "Sir," then tells him the craziest fucking story you've ever heard.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 18/03/2026
Currently planning to sue Kalshi because I bet there'd be one person that makes you say, "Wait, is that Billy Corgan?" (including ACTUAL Billy Corgan) but Kalshi won't pay out.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
"The president is literally playing chess. Iran is closing up the Strait of Hormuz and Trump is saying, 'Pawn to E-4.' American soldiers are dying and Trump is trying to figure out what the 'horsey' piece is. He's not paying attention to international affairs and is pretty bad at chess, too."
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 03/03/2026
Kalshi Grammer. Is that something you'd be interested in, Jon? Kalshi Grammer.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 07/01/2026
"The 20st century saw the automotive industry, and companies like Ford, drive America's economy forward. Now, officials are wondering if we can afford to have America's heroes driven backwards by Fords... to their deaths."
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 18/12/2025
They're literally going to broadcast the Skip Bayless/Stephen A. "You KNOW I am sensitive to the Holocaust.... BUT" meme on television.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 15/12/2025
Cena reprising the "compromised to a permanent end" bit.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 09/12/2025
"We'd all love for flights to be safe and reliable, I want that, you want that, everyone wants that. Obviously. But, I don't know how I can help that so what about a room where you can say all the slurs that you want before your flight?"
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 04/12/2025
It'll be very cool when the next "emerging" industry in the gig economy will be uploading videos of yourself doing Mr. Beast challenges. "You can do them anywhere and at any time! It's like a second job!" And it's you having to like, eat three cans of cat food in 15 minutes.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 04/12/2025
Did you know he's a rocket scientist?
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 03/12/2025
Fail at comedy? Just become a right wing grifter. Get a 0 on a college essay? Just become a right wing grifter. Come in 5th in a swim meet? Just become a right wing grifter. Fail as a sports "analyst?" Holy shit, dude, has anyone actually failed at that? Yeah sure, just become a right wing grifter.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 03/12/2025
"We're doing arch, folks, like you wouldn't believe. Sleepy Joe, Sleepy Joe wanted third world Trinidad, no, really, think of it, third world Trinidad Chambliss. People come up to me, tears in their eyes, 'Sir, we need Arch. They've been very unfair to Arch.' So we're looking very deeply into Arch."
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 01/12/2025
"And that's 3 seconds in the 'In 900 seconds you could save hundreds of dollars GEICO zone.' You can't camp in the paint but you can camp at a Northrop Grumman Campground, coming soon to a rural area near you!"
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 25/11/2025
There's going to be so many news segments regarding police/ICE shootings that end in, "After realizing he shot the suspect, the officer said, 'I guess he's not going to be in Rush Hour 4....'"
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 21/11/2025
"They call them- now people, New York people know this word but other people, other people are probably saying, 'What the hell are they talking about?' But, New Yorkers call them BOdeGAS. BOdeGAS, isn't that a fun word to say? BOdeGAS. Mamdani knows them well, almost as well as me. Good guy."
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 20/11/2025
I'm at my desk while William Fichtner is standing over me screaming, "He was just there, where is he?! Where did he go?! FIND HIM!" I try telling him the cameras are at a fixed position but he tells me he'll put me at a fixed position if I can't find him. I text my gf I'll be late for supper.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 20/11/2025
Invested my son's entire college fund into this. I don't care how many of his birthdays I have to miss to enact real change in this country (granted, I have missed all of them up until now but I will continue to, if I have to)!
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 11/11/2025
"You're alive?" "No. I'm Bond. James Bond." Then smash cut to the title sequence.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 06/11/2025
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 06/11/2025
What was I supposed to do? What would you do? It was for double AMC Stubs© bonus points. How can you say no to that? What would you have me do? You'd turn down double AMC Stubs© bonus points? I did what anyone in my position would do!
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 06/11/2025
Need Bruce Bruce hosting First Take.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 06/11/2025
You ever notice women drive like *this* and men drive like *this.*
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 05/11/2025
MamD-Block.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 04/11/2025
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 04/11/2025
We really need a movie that's like those ones that portray what leads up to a horrific event and the ending is the event but for this. 100-minute Gus Van Sant movie about this agent's wife telling him she worries about him and the other guy agonizing over what mustard to put on the sandwich.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 04/11/2025
[Staring into space, a flashback begins with that tinnitus sound effect. The agent is staggering forward. In voiceover:] "I could... I could... I could smell the onions... and... and.. mustard."
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 29/10/2025
BK: I need to improve my image. Me: I don't know, dude. You're a fucking asshole. You've always been an asshole. Hell, I figure you'll always be an asshole. BK: Well, I can't help that. Me: Yeah, I guess. Here's a bill for my time.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 15/10/2025
The Browns signed tackle (ho) Thayer Munford Jr. (hey) to the practice squad (ho) after clearing waivers (hey) He had joined the 53-man roster (ho) off the Patriots squad in September (hey)
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 06/09/2025
[Martin Sheen's terrible Boston accent] Micropenises.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 06/09/2025
I'm pitching my remake of The Departed but instead of the Irish mob it's pedophiles.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 16/06/2025
This article is definitely FULL of Bologna.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 11/06/2025
"'How many seniors have you killed?' 'None.' 'How much money have you received from people you've appointed to positions?' 'None.' 'How many staffers have you sexually harassed?' 'None.'" And this guy wants to be mayor?!?!?!
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 10/06/2025
Michael McDonald's going on Saturday Night Live to sing a mournful rendition of Waymo B There.
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simonthayden.bsky.social @simonthayden.bsky.social · 05/06/2025
"Why would I give a pedophile I don't agree with millions of dollars when I can give it to one that I do agree with and just keep it?"
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