iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 16/01/2026

fuck I want to start streaming so bad but i work full time so I could maybe stream once a week and at that point I might as well not even bother

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 16/01/2026

idk honestly it feels really funny to have strong bible opinions as a hedonistic daoist

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 16/01/2026

every so often I have to remind myself that some battles just aren't worth fighting. I live with two satanists whose idea of satanism comes from the Catholic church and as someone with a Bible special interest it gets hard to keep quiet when they start saying shit they made up a themselves

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 03/01/2026

what if I just killed myself. not in a depression way but in a "I wouldn't have to deal with any bullshit anymore" way

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 03/01/2026

feeling extra evil, and the only place I have in the house where I can sort of self isolate is the laundry room, which is the most uncomfortable room in the house, with no heat, where I can hear every single other thing in the house, and it acts as a throughway for anyone trying to go anywhere

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 21/12/2025

this motherfucker rewired my brain I think. I'm gonna kill 'em

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 21/12/2025

also I can't stop eating these god awful toasted nuts

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 21/12/2025

coworker is on a dubstep kick and while it's not *awful* per se, the music energy is way too high for the mood we're both in

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 11/12/2025

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I want nothing more than to be by your side forever and always, but I think we both know I can only make things worse. I love you, and I'm so sorry for getting you involved with me. 🫂🖤

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 11/12/2025

Let me out of this body let me out of this mind let me go somewhere where I won't hurt anyone again. I'm tired of hurting everyone I care about. I'm tired of always fucking up. I'm tired. I just want to be good, to be helpful, to be useful. I guess that's selfish for me to want anything, though.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 11/12/2025

I'm such a good scapegoat. Did something wrong? Samy's fault. Did something embarrassing? Samy's fault. Made a mistake? Samy's fault. I can be anything you want as long as it's nothing good. I will never be good enough to offset the pain I cause.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 11/12/2025

everyone feels horrible and it's my fucking fault. I should stop being me. I should stop being Samy. I should stop being. The best thing for everyone would be if I just walked away and never came back. Moving on would be less painful than staying near me.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 11/12/2025

I continuously promise myself that I will strive to never hurt anyone again, and yet *consistently* I find myself distressing those I care about. Idk. Maybe I should have never let my walls down. Samy has a track record of fucking things up and making things awkward. I'm tired.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 05/12/2025

"Oh boy I sure can wait to watch a movie with everyone and spend time with my girlfriend!" *immediately switches out to someone else and goes straight to sleep*

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 05/12/2025

There is a gnawing hunger at the pit of my being, a gaping maw at the center of my universe. A craving, a desire, an unending need... for more jalapeno poppers.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 04/12/2025

It's a special kind of awful that follows you around wherever you go, whatever you do, and all you can really hope for is to pretend it isn't there.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 04/12/2025

It's all I can do to keep myself afloat. How am I supposed to keep everyone else happy if I can barely keep myself from giving up?

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 25/11/2025

Idk I'm trying *not* to regret moving up here but it's uh. It's getting hard.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 25/11/2025

And then we'll all be okay forever. And then we'll all be okay forever. And then we'll all be okay forever. And then we'll all be okay forever. And then we'll all be okay forever. And then we'll all be okay forever. And then we'll all be okay forever. And then we'll all be okay forever. And then we'

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 25/11/2025

There's a miasma falling over the house. Everyone is falling apart and I just. I don't have to the energy or the financial resources to help those that need it I'm barely keeping together myself but I *have* to keep it together because if I don't stand strong who will?

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 24/10/2025

this check was for catching up on bills and securing certain vanities that will aid in the months to come. the next check will be for taking our partners on dates. methinks the check after that will be for piercings, tattoos, and jewelry.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 23/10/2025

I have money now and now that I have money I need piercings and tattoos and jewelry ASAP

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 14/10/2025

I used to be able to do things. I prided myself on my ability to get things done. I was able to work 40+ hours a week, plus stay on top of my household chores, and still find time to spend with the people I care about. Then I let myself relax once, now I can't do fucking anything anymore.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 14/10/2025

I think legitimately my only hope is to get back up to snuff with web development and then just pray for the AI bubble to burst.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 14/10/2025

I *need* a fucking wfh desk job, but I legitimately don't know how to get anything other than retail without finishing my degree.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 14/10/2025

I'm ready for a day off work but also I know that my days off are going to be just me putting in the same amount of hours if not more into cleaning around the house. I'm starting to wonder if 40 hours a week is actually going to be sustainable, but I'm also desperate for the money

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 08/10/2025

Just started work again after moving across the country. Job is pretty easy, and yet I still slept for damn near 12 hours after clocking out. Jesus I need to get back into the swing of things. Standing around and occasionally stocking shelves should not make me this exhausted.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 29/09/2025

don't forget that this isn't your home. don't forget that you left behind everything and everyone you know. don't forget that you're just another problem. don't forget that you have nothing to go back to.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 25/09/2025

ace dom that holds your hand and praises you while you're getting your back blown out by a top

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 06/09/2025

No I'm not jealous that everyone around me is finding meaningful relationships while people only want me for sex. No I'm totally fine. No yeah being seen as nothing more than a living sex toy certainly is having no ramifications on my psyche.

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Samyaza Æsmodae Cristo @samyazachristo.bsky.social · 03/09/2025