Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 30/06/2026So many people look back on their lives and say, “I wish I would’ve spent more time with my kids.” My dad never even considered it. Instead, he proudly announces that he had perfect attendance at work for over 20 years; they gave him a plaque. I will make sure his award attends his funeral. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 01/04/2025Some people don’t understand how jokes are supposed to work. My vet called today with the results of my dog’s bloodwork. She said, “Everything looks great.” I said, “Good to know.” Then she said, “April Fools,” and delivered the bad news. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 11/01/2025My dog has very American eating habits. When I give him a treat, he takes it straight to his bed and snacks on it while watching reruns of Forensic Files. 010
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 15/11/2024A gentleman with dirty feet and no shoes yelled up at me from his seat on the curb, “Buy me a pack of cigarettes!” “Sorry, Man. I don’t carry my wallet when I walk the dog,” I said. “Fuck you. And your Louis Vuitton dog!” (I’d never considered that about my dog’s color scheme) 010
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 15/11/2024People in Los Angeles take Adderall to help them stay focused while they meditate. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 13/11/2024Just took my pup to “Doggy Disneyland.” Which was incredible. Until the fireworks. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 08/01/2024THEM: How do you get your dog so soft? ME: I put him in the dryer. 010
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 07/12/2023TRAGEDY is when you get depressed because you stepped in dog shit. COMEDY is when you've been depressed for 3 decades and then you step in dog shit. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 05/12/2023*dog brings me ball* *I throw ball* *dog looks at me, offended, like, "That was a GIFT, you asshole"* 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 01/12/2023When someone is describing their dog's entire life story, is it rude to collapse from boredom? Like right in front of them? What if I'm at a dog park? 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 28/11/2023I wrote a movie about a Latino man who enters an Alaskan sled dog race. And it's called: Snow Way Jose. But, don't worry, I'm gonna kill myself. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 08/11/2023A few seconds before 9:00am, my dog lifted his leg at the corner of someone's lawn. At exactly 9:00am, the automatic watering system kicked on. A sprinkler head popped up at the exact spot my dog was trying to mark. Today is the day the grass peed back. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 06/11/2023When my dog first meets another long-time neighborhood dog: "So good to finally meet you— I've been sniffing your piss for years!" 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 05/11/2023I'm a dog dad for the same reason many men are fathers: Because my wife decided to keep it. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 05/11/2023Have you ever seen people argue on the internet? I feel like I’m watching something very similar: My dog… barking at his own rancid fart. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 03/11/2023When my dog was a puppy, I'd disappear around a corner and he would run to find me. Now I disappear around a corner and he immediately does some bullshit he knows he shouldn't be doing. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 02/11/2023I like the idea of intruders being scared away when they hear my dog. But, I hate walking the dog. So, I think I’m just going to get a parrot and teach it to bark. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 02/10/2023I’ve never had a sense of smell. But, I still have a trick to find out if my breath stinks: I exhale real close to my dog’s nose and, if he gets an excited look on his face, then I know my mouth smells like an asshole. 000
Ryan Stout @ryanstout.bsky.social · 29/09/2023My dog only needs to go out two times per day: (1) When I’m busy and (2) when I’m exhausted. 010