Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 08/08/2026I don’t aspire to greatness Just upper-middle mediocre 180
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 07/08/2026If you’re not going to give me a home loan, can I at least sleep in the bank? 070
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 30/07/2026Flies love stink. I bet we don’t smell bad to them, just boring. 040
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 26/07/2026I drove here in my Nissan Placenta. Except that isn’t a real car. So I wonder how I got here. 030
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 26/07/2026I’m not a bird watcher But if a bird showed up, I’d look at it. So what? 050
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 25/07/2026I like to buy kites Then throw them away without opening the packet Who’s not reaching their potential now, you dumb kite? 081
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 24/07/2026It's easy to forget that ‘The Beatles’ is a truly awful name for a band. 260
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 23/07/2026Mighty oaks grow from tiny acorns. But brace yourself for "Nice try you dumb acorn you just got eaten by a squirrel" 050
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 22/07/2026Put your best foot forward. ...and by implication keep your worst foot back. Nobody wants to look at your rubbish foot. 0101
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 18/07/2026Some people get famous for things they didn't do like the Virgin Mary 160
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 17/07/2026Plumbers are expensive. Poo bags are free at the park. 170
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 15/07/2026you tend to have more money as you get older So La Mer anti-ageing cream works in one respect 030
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 15/07/2026Did you know they make slower-paced video games for when you get older? I’m currently playing Sonic the Hedge. 071
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 15/07/2026I bought a ticket and now I think I own the train. 050
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 14/07/2026I would never help an old lady across the road. What if she’s on her way to do racism? 082
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 13/07/2026I met a guy called Sirius, named after the star and his sister HD168746 091
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 13/07/2026If you live on a street that joins onto Sesame Street, I bet you have to fumigate for muppets. 081
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 05/05/2026Actually ‘Vampire’ is a really offensive term. We prefer ‘Bloodslut’ 1123
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 20/04/2026I was a werewolf in my twenties but wolves don’t live that long, so every full moon now, I turn into a pile of wolf bones. 0274
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 19/04/2026I’m looking at a hairless cat Wondering if this is how we make monkeys feel 190
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 18/03/2026Red Cross and Red Crescent should combine into Red Croissant 0132
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 15/03/2026kindness costs nothing, as long as there are enough lifeboats. 1101
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 09/03/2026I do reverse origami. I unfold a crane into a big fleshy sheet. A lot of people don’t realise you can do that and it’s always a surprise to the crane. 0338
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 08/03/2026In five billion years the sun will die. Won't be my problem, obviously but I feel bad for God and vampires. 091
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 07/03/2026“Shit just got real” I said, unaware that shit has been real for millions of years. 0102
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 03/03/2026You can’t trust what you see in the mirror. I mean, look at how badly it cocks up text. 0185
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 02/03/2026Birds shouldn’t eat other birds. I mean- I get it with fish- there’s nothing else in the ocean. But birds? Come on. Have you even tried looking in bins? 261
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 01/03/2026The friends we made along the way made other friends along the way. I feel so betrayed. 181
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 26/02/2026I’d be a lot braver if fingers grew back, or even if I just thought they did. 082
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 24/02/2026Friends are brilliant. They're just like pets but they can feed themselves. 081
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 19/02/2026I’m definitely not ‘wielding a machete’ I’m just holding it. 1102
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 17/02/2026They’re called ‘baby carrots’ But you can’t feed them to babies. I don’t feel like this tragedy was entirely my fault. 070
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 17/02/2026I hope that if there is an environmental apocalypse, everyone who recycled properly is exempt 080
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 16/02/2026Sometimes people are nice to you and it makes you remember- “Oh yeah- you can’t hear what I’m thinking” 090
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 15/02/2026If dogs could read, I bet they'd choose not to. Dog representation is pretty shitty in books. 613012
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 14/02/2026Tubes are for toothpaste. Sorry, oil paint. You need to figure something else out or my mouth is staying blue. 050
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 13/02/2026I want to go to the nudist convention but I've got something on. 180
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 12/02/2026“Astronaut” is ancient Greek for “Star Sailor” But sadly that’s all we know about the ancient Greek space program. 336190
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 11/02/2026I have seen the future and everyone gets plastic surgery. Everyone looks younger, anyway. ...was I just looking at the past? 160
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 10/02/2026To call this tragic is an insult to the genre of tragedy. This has been a farce. 160
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 09/02/2026Did anyone see the big game? I didn’t. Just a bunch of people running around. If they’re not going to release big game onto the field, they shouldn’t call it that. 313423
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 09/02/2026There’s lots of things I want to do before I die and a few things I’d like to try after. Most of that ‘after’ list is winter sports. 060
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 08/02/2026Cats can see ghosts. But only when there are ghosts there. Which is never. So cats totally wasted that wish. 070
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 07/02/2026Energy drinks don’t contain much usable energy. I'm gonna stick to eating batteries. 072
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 06/02/2026If you need me I’ll be in the park giving the ducks parenting advice. 140
Doug Bayne @rattleplank.bsky.social · 04/02/2026Sports cars! They never make it clear what sports you're allowed to use them in. But it's definitely not swimming. 163
