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Vivian

@raake.bsky.social
157 followers 31 following 1.7K posts

Part-time human, full-time critter - 28 🏳️‍⚧️ Mtf 🩶 Gray ace (🔞) Autistic - Profile pic by @sealsona.bsky.social‬

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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 12/10/2026
anyways i've not really tried my hand at such things since. i've only made a handful of silly edits back during the cohost days, such as these. just some dumb stuff. ...really can't imagine i'd try getting back into anything artistic again. shame.
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
THEY'RE DOING IT THEY'RE MAKING RUNESCAPE 4 AND FROM WHAT I GATHER IT'S A WHOLE NEW MMORPG FUCKING W H A T
4
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
so stupid
cheapest price history for a 2x16 GB kit of DDR5 6000MHz CL36, from the start of 2025 to now
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
also i had the driest, most disinterested seeming doctor i've ever had the displeasure of meeting
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
station
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 30/08/2026
UPDATE: IT'S EVEN WORSE ON TOP TODAY x3c
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
also hey hi yes i never shared my lovely pink hair on here before. here's how it looks normally! i love it so much!! :33
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
OH my hair is PROPER messy this morning, jesus. can't remember when it's been that bad lmao. kinda like it tho.
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
had a pretty good night at the ol' tormented demons!! these were ~45 minutes apart :)
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
oh looking at the UI you can absolutely play as the Goofman as well. man what the frick!! this is so cool!!
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
BEASTIE BEASTIE BEASTIE :)))))
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 11/08/2026
helllll fuckinnn yeahhhhhh
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 09/08/2026
new best roll :)
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 02/08/2026
went and tested it... the fabric's not quite as nice as i woulda hoped, but still good. first experience with a lumbar support: felt weird, almost like it did nothing in my natural sitting position, or just got in the way. idk. otherwise seems like a very nice chair, no real negatives to mention.
Arozzi Vernazza Soft Fabric chair, violet
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 02/08/2026
I FOUND THE ORIGINAL TUMBLR POST i just wish i found the video as wel 😭 IIRC op is Golbez, Y'shtola chimes in with doubts, Zero concurs that he's "literally nice"
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 31/07/2026
man i really hope i like it well enough. i'm so sick of this old thing
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 31/07/2026
got a big sword :)
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
yooooo that's my best RNGdle yet by a mile!
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
nature is healing
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 25/07/2026
over 10 years and nearly 6000 hours played later, i've finally maxed my ironman on OSRS!!
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
choccy puddingggg :3
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 19/07/2026
i'm a mess, basically. i hope i can find some answers.
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 16/07/2026
imagine buying modern hardware for gaming these days
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 12/07/2026
lookit my cute little gay boat :3
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
wait what the _//FUCK//_ is that rainfall holy sHIT???????
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
there it issssssssssss, base 98's!!
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 10/07/2026
god i'm so close to base 98's. what the hell
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
to quote Genghis Khan: "98 Runecrafting, baby"
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
gaming. 5 straight hours of Ourania runecrafting today. gah.
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
runes crafting
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 04/07/2026
holy fuck there's a sky in this game now
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 27/06/2026
oh yeah my dreams are getting WEIRD all of a sudden like what the hell
just now i had one where i was reading a (furry) webcomic where a group of friends were doing a sleep party or something, and they suddenly started treating one among themselves poorly because she wasn't subscribed to another's (host of the party?) patreon-equivalent while all the others were. also one of them was hooking up with/screwing their brother i guess (which may or may not have been the same person as the houseowner), while also possibly being with someone else in the group (they slept in the same bed) who was telling them they'd have to stop doing that eventually - not out of personal drama but because it was gonna cause problems if people were to find out. something something "significant brother"??

????????????
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
...i meant to post a video and not an image; here
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
station photo. idk.
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 23/06/2026
progesterone(/antiandrogen) advice wanted! i wanna be prepared for my appointment on thursday in case talk about them!
so, about progesterone... been reading some anecdotes about it, but some of them were quite old, and i'm not sure what the general consesus is these days.
- it supposedly helps stabilize mood and lessen anxiety/depression, but what does that feel like in practise? (my mood's been generally pretty alright i think, but you've probably seen i've been really anxious a lot in recent months, and kinda disinterested in/unenthused about stuff from time to time)
- prog without antiadrogens, yay or nay?
- can finasteride block prog -> DHT metabolism or not?
- cycling? the one (1) anecdote i remember hearing less than a year ago said it was Good but was vague on the details.
- rectal is stronger than oral - any other significant differences?
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 19/06/2026
oops i went out for a quick (~15min) bike ride but ended up spending over an hour outdoors. even went to see some flowers in a nearby garden/park!!
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 19/06/2026
i want to get new clothes but i don't want to go shopping (at least not alone)
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 18/06/2026
went on a little excursion to Helsinki for work today, visiting a small exhibition centre of ours. we had a small buffet of stuff (nothing too special for my tastes iibh), a 30min break for some fresh air, and finally we got to make our own desserts from various mousses and decorations :3
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
bought some cotton candy, and checked out the ikea booth after i saw someone win a small blåhaj ;w; it was actually a decent chance to win one (and i'm seeing a decent number of folk walking around with them), but i only got a lollipop as a consolation prize, weh
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
local pride event. start of the march, party at the park, and some memorabilia i found hidden at the park. happy pride...
"Sinä riität" - "You are enough"
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
felt like sharing these again
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 09/06/2026
skateboarding is back babyyyy
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 09/06/2026
pride and skort :)
aaaaaaa local pride march/event on saturday aaaaaaa i'm nervous aaaaaaa

i wanna go in wearing my new skort that came in last week... i'm just afraid i'll feel uncomfortable being alone in the middle of strangers... but i do want to go!!!

[90 mins later]
i switched to a (slightly longer) black tee instead of the "burgundy" one that i've mentioned before (that almost matches the skort) and i feel it looks a lot nicer, feeling more comfortable about going out like this 👍🏼
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 31/05/2026
obsessing over a(n artistic) life i've never really been suited for
i really shouldn't even be worrying about my creativity at all at this time. i think it was last year when i already resolved to not doing that, at least until i've got my other, more pressing issues sorted.

although, maybe it's not really about creativity itself, but overcoming the mental obstacles with trying in the first place that's getting to me? because i used to really anguish over my (seeming) inability to use my imagination and produce something to "express" myself with... despite my total lack of skill, drive and vision as to what form that might take - almost as if it was something i used to know how to do, but at some point had lost the ability? obsessing over self-expression when i'm not sure i quite understand what that actually means in practise even today.

i really don't make sense sometimes, do i?
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 17/05/2026
went back to finish the Endwalker Manderville weapons quests and did a stupid silly thing with Gerolt
Gerolt floating in the air in pure darkness, posed like playable characters from Kingdom Hearts when they fall in battle
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 16/05/2026
the old font just looks a bit clearer, more "crisp" to me, at least on my 1080p monitor
From 4.02-pcFrom 4.12-pc
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 16/05/2026
why can bugs walk on the ceiling...
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 15/05/2026
also i keep finding myself attracted to shades of pink/lilac clothes. i don't know if such light colours really "suit" me outside of home, but they're cute and i do like them (my pajamas are all that shade). i Would like some more pastel in my life, among other things.
speaking of colour, i also have this... idk what to call it, burgundy? tee whose colour i really like. the photo doesn't really do it justice, i'd say it's a hint less red and more purple irl than it looks here. it's my favourite shirt in active use (though the bar is not particularly high when everything else is plain black or white). and purple, can't forget about purple. i'd love to have some deep purple...

i'm don't feel particularly attracted to greens, but i have this thin, lightweight green jacket that i think looks nice on me and fits me really well (i like how long it is, and i really like the studs, too).
i also have a thicker, heavier jacket which is (or, used to be) green as well... and before those, i had yet another green jacket. i'm sensing a pattern here... or maybe i just got used to the green with the first one and didn't want to deal with change - idk, it's been well over a decade since that started. anyways, i guess the colour just works on me (though i kinda want to get away from that because it sometimes reminds me of the military)."burgundy" teegreen jacket and "green" jacket (you can see how the colour's sort of washed out on the outside compared to the inside)
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
this is the kind of stuff i mean when i say i feel like there's something "fundamentally wrong" with me
i'd love it if i could just stop only caring (stretching the word a little here) about video games, and find something more fulfilling to occupy my life with instead. i find i have sort of an inclination toward technical stuff, optimization, "correctness", etc., but i wouldn't say any of it's particularly fun or satisfying.

i've wanted to create art, but i have no skill and no proclivity for drawing, so i quit trying. i've wanted to do crafts; i've tried a handful of times, but i never stuck with it - still got some barely-used supplies/materials lying around.

...what is there that i CAN be, that i'd also LIKE to be?hate to say it but similar fears also apply to gender presentation for me... i don't know if there's a feminine way of presenting that i'd want to do, while also feeling like i can pull it off and that it actually suits me... or is that another ship sailed already?

doesn't help that i feel like i know fuck-all about styles of presentation anyways, and frankly i'm not sure where, if anywhere, i could look for help with that. i never really got into any cultural movement, never learned about fashion, or felt inspired/touched by artists, celebrities, etc., or anything like that.

it just feels too late for me now... i hope it isn't so, but it's hard to not feel like it. feels like anything and everything i might try is just gonna be awkward. i know it's probably possible to overcome that awkwardness with enough time and practise, but... conditions. circumstances. i'd need someone to show me the ropes, act as a guide - and yet i still don't know if i could pull it off...
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Vivian @raake.bsky.social · 02/05/2026
don't know what to do. the cycle keeps repeating. is trying even worth it?
so stuck in my routines that i keep forgetting this is supposed to be a year of change for me... kinda making me feel incapable of changing myself. i mean, hell, i haven't managed to consciously do that for years - if ever...

i'm always guided, shaped, molded by my surroundings, my environment - external influences. but it never lasts, and eventually i always revert back to my own, dull self.
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