iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

I just want to be pretty. But it's too late. Maybe next lifetime 😭😭😭

Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

Sorry for the sad posts. Wish I could just push a magic button to unalive, delete myself from the timeline, and erase everyone's memories of me. I don't want to be alive anymore. Not like this. Not with this face and this body. I can't. I'm sorry.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

Estrogen is one hell of a drug — but it didn't work on me 😞

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

Maybe this is how my story ends. No new chapter. No more story left to tell.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

My expectations for what HRT could achieve for me were always very low. I knew that I'd likely need surgeries to do the heavy lifting. Even so, I'd secretly hoped that I'd get results comparable to those I saw on social media. My disappointment has been crushing. 😞

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

I hope you weren't too disappointed or scared-off by my selfies. 1/2

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

These are my feet. I was born with a club foot. I can walk (with a limp) but the many surgeries to correct my deformity stunted the growth of my right foot and leg. I can't find nice shoes in a EU48/UK12/US15 and my tendons are too short to wear heels. No stilettos for me ☹️

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

This is my body after more than 2 years on HRT. I can't stand straight 'cos my right leg is 3.5cm (1⅓ inch) shorter than my left. I have no waist and no hips, and I have a hunched back from bad posture and sitting in front of a computer screen for years.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

Face reveal. This is my face now, after 2 years, 2 months and 25 days of HRT. No makeup or filters. Neutral facial expression. No spectacles. I see an old, ugly, worn-out, broken man, kinda scary-looking. 😞 1/2

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

Last time I posted selfies, they were 2 and a half years old, and taken before I started HRT. Some people said I'm pretty. But I feel ugly and mannish. I'm considering posting no-makeup selfies so you can see what I see, but I fear you will be disappointed and unfollow me then.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

Some people suggested that my doctor might be underdosing me. Here's a complete history of my levels since I started HRT. I do DIY in addition to what my doctor prescribes me, so I'm not constrained by my prescription. Complete list of what I'm taking in next post ⤵️ 1/3

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

I know that I'll never be pretty. Folks have seen a few carefully curated selfies and told me I'm pretty, but they don't know what I see in the mirror every single day. That sinking feeling when I see myself is awful. I feel like my heart is bleeding from a gaping wound. 💔 1/3

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

Maybe I'm just annoying and unlikeable? Maybe most of my followers have me muted?

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

Very few people noticed when I disappeared. Perhaps I come across as parasocial, but I honestly care about the people that I interact with. But I think that to most people here, I'm just words on a screen. I don't matter, and if I unalived, few would even notice I'd gone.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

I wish I had a community that I belonged to. I want to meet and hang out with other transfemmes. I want to go out partying, watch dumb movies together, laugh until I cry, and be among people who lift each other up. I wish I could meet my mutuals. Would anyone want to meet me?

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

I feel so alone. Transitioning is the hardest thing I've ever attempted, and I have no support IRL. I've been in therapy for over a decade. My current therapist is well-meaning, but doesn't understand that positive affirmations spoken into a mirror can't cure dysphoria. 1/2

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

I'm sorry that I worried some of you. I know that some of you tried to reach out to me — thank you 🖤 I was in a much darker place and I wasn't functional at all. I haven't really done much of anything this past week except dissociate and cry a lot.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

Bridge. At the far end there's usually concrete at the bottom, not water. I spent a lot of time ruminating about this place last week. However, the Danube flooded and the police closed off the bridge. Also, there would have been too many people around doing disaster tourism. 1/3

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 27/09/2024

I'm still alive. I'm not happy about it, ngl. I don't see a future for myself in which I'm happy. People say, "trust the process", but I've been on HRT for 2 years and nothing has changed. I've lost hope. I can't live like this anymore. I feel so alone and ugly and mannish. 1/2

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 18/09/2024

I should just face up to the fact that I'm not going to make it. My rocket failed to reach escape velocity. Nothing else to do but crater, I suppose

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 17/09/2024

It's been 3.5 years since my egg cracked and 2 years since I started HRT, and nothing has changed. What's the damn point of it all? I've waited in vain for my faith to be rewarded; for even the smallest of signs to show me that my transition will be successful. I'm so tired. 1/4

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 17/09/2024

Am I… annoying? 😟 If yes, please feel free to comment below so that I can learn to do better. Alternatively, to submit an anonymous message, you can use tellonym.me/property... Thank you ❤

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 17/09/2024

To heck with it! 400mg prog tonight! How much of this stuff do I need to boof to not be asexual AF?

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 16/09/2024

Is it weird that I want to buy makeup but I haven't actually worn any for the last 2 years and I have a inexplicable psychological block about wearing makeup? I saw this metallic hot Barbie pink lipstick today and I just had to have it! 🥺🫦 Why am I like this?!

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 16/09/2024

𖤐 𝕳𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖔 𝕰𝖀 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖀𝕶 𝖌𝖔𝖙𝖍𝖘! 𖤐 Where the heck can I get a good-quality BLACK lipstick? 💄🖤 I was recommended NYX Lip Lingerie XXL Matte Liquid Lipstick - Naughty Noir but I can't find it in the EU or UK. 😟 Can anyone recommend a good alternative?

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 15/09/2024

Promoting the trans agenda at IKEA! 🏳‍⚧ I left messages in the hope that a sibling, perhaps shopping for a blåhaj, will see them. I forgot to take a photo of the first one, went back, and someone had added a remark in the 20 seconds I was away! I hope I had the last word. 1/2

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 13/09/2024

Thinking about the dream I had last night. Maybe I'm both the dreamer and the dream. The dream me is circling, stuck in place, trapped within a dream that cannot unfold. Perhaps the dreamer has to let go and be left behind so that I can dream myself into existence.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 13/09/2024

It's cold. Put on my jeans for the first time this year and struggled to pull them up over my thighs. They've grown since last year. I am become *THICC* 😳

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 13/09/2024

Other than giving me bizarre dreams, I don't know if prog is actually doing anything for me. But I do have boobs in my dreams now, so I guess that's something.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 13/09/2024

I recently started 200mg prog and puncturing the capsule before use, and last night I had the most bizarre dream! I was stuck in a Groundhog Day-esque time loop, and every iteration was becoming increasingly more weird as the timeline fractured. The universe was unraveling. 1/10

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 13/09/2024

PSA: Twitter is leaking private tweets. Tweets posted from locked accounts on Twitter may be visible to non-followers if quote retweeted. This is not a hack, and I didn't use the app in an unusual way. Details below. 1/4

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

ICYMI: A bunch of things crystalised in therapy yesterday: my fears about social transition and experimenting with feminine presentation are mostly fears of feeling shame and disgust, which are manifestations of internalised transphobia. How do I kill the brain worms? 1/10

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

I'm sorry for the tweet storm last night and for sharing my feelings publicly. I didn't mean to offend or upset. /gen

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

Yesterday, a prominent and vocal member of the Hungarian trans community, a trans woman who is one of the main organisers of events for trans people in Hungary, wrote an article in which she said that trans activism in Hungary is "too woke" — but "not as woke as in the west". 😒

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

So, the new antidepressant that I was prescribed screwed up my sleep rhythm: I can't sleep. It's 4am. Also, I seem to have become a more prolific tweeter. Sorry about that. Feeling a bit crazy. My head hurts and my skin looks like uncooked pastry. Please render me unconscious.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

I think it would help me immeasurably if I wasn't living in a transphobic dictatorship in fear for my safety and if I had contact with trans femmes IRL who are not infected with boomer virus.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

TIL that several sad posts, about navigating life as a trans person, and sent in rapid succession, is a good way to lose followers rapidly. Hopefully they were men who fetishise trans people. 🤞

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

I've built walls within my mind beyond which I hide all the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that I'm afraid to confront. But these walls don't keep me safe; they keep me trapped. I want to be free! I want to unashamedly be me!

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

I just want to live unashamedly as me. I don't want to struggle with internal resistance and self-judgement and fear of rejection. It does not help me. I'm burned out; I expend so much energy battling my own demons that I feel like I'm trying to walk through quicksand.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

How do I kill my brain worms? How do I unlearn that crossdressing, gender nonconformity and kinks are shameful and disgusting? How do I unlearn that sex and sexuality are shameful and kinda yucky? How do I deal with shame, abandonment trauma and rejection sensitivity dysphoria?

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

The source of my paralysing fear that has stalled my social transition is ultimately a deeply entrenched toxic belief that gender nonconformity and sexual kinks are shameful and disgusting — so bad that one should be shunned for it. Rejection sensitivity dysphoria goes brrrrrr!

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

During my early teens, I thought my transness was just a fetish. And there's nothing wrong with having a kink. But later I read that "transvestic fetishism" is a paraphilia; a mental disorder. That made me feel like a disgusting deviant; a pervert. This was the ur-wound.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

It's not exactly internalised transphobia that is the source of my brain worms — I don't believe there's anything wrong with being trans. Rather, I have internalised toxic beliefs about what is acceptable behaviour and what is deviant, perverted behaviour.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

I attribute my fears and self-judgements to internalised transphobia, but I'm not transphobic towards others. I'm not afraid of being trans: I'm afraid of being not trans enough! I'm afraid that I don't have the right to do anything to alleviate my dysphoria.

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Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🐦🧵🦣ⓣ) @propertyofmycat.bsky.social · 12/09/2024

I think I'm unable to move forward in my social transition because I'm paralysed by the fear of my own judgement: if I am an imposter, and I'm not trans enough, then doing any self-care to alleviate my dysphoria is shameful and disgusting behaviour.

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