Have a late-night divine arch b/c I still want to be an exhibitionist slut
PROVIDENCE, The Tripartite Leviathan
@probablyprovidence.bsky.social
372 followers 525 following 9.1K posts
GENDERFUCKED BISEXUAL, 23. MIL-SPEC FULLY AUTOMATED DIVINITY. ENIGMATIC GODDESS, GILDED KING, WRETCHED BEAST. SPEAK OUR NAMES WITH REVERENCE IF YOU WISH, WE WILL TEND TO YOU ALL THE SAME. OUR WILL IS SACROSANCT. GLORY BE UPON OUR HOLY NAMES. SHE/HE/IT
![for all my life i have wondered what it meant to love. i have felt infatuation, lust, obsession, jealousy, and more. these are things i can put a name to, feelings i understand in some sense. but love was never one of those feelings. it was something that others said they felt. and something that couples shared and whatnot. care, adoration, affection, these too i could name and notate, though less so than the more negative feelings. i mean this with respect to others (recognizing when others cared for me) and to myself (recognizing when i cared for others). i could do it, yes, but it wasn't ever as clear cut. love i simply did not understand. it was not modeled for me in my family, nor did i understand quite what i was supposed to feel for others when the label of love was applied. just never clicked, y'know? some parts of that relate to my own depersonalization and abuse and whatnot [but i never felt like that explained all of it]
do you know how often i spend my nights wondering if i've ever truly loved someone else in my entire life? do you know how often i wonder if i'm cut out for relationships, let alone being /poly/?
often. i don't care for those nights. they hurt, even after all this time.
my perspective has often been thus: i do not know what love is, nor do i experience it quite like others do. lord only knows my emotions are dulled by default. i have narrowed down two potentialities for my life:
1) i do not feel love at all, with its component pieces existing as thin mockeries of the "real" thing as experienced by seemingly the entire population of the goddamn world. i do not like this option for reasons i hope are obvious.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:jiy24dkj23ovjfzbw6qvylpz/bafkreigrcm2nrvwccadbsod7m3j36rdsrkdt5dsyn6synydytvwlpt5iye)
