iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

It is so fucked up that at one point if someone told you that they loved Garfield, they would be talking about the fucking President of the United States.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

I am not stupid however, I do firmly believe that if you flip a ceiling fan upside down and mount it to the top of a Geo Metro or a Ford Festiva, it will fly and maneuver exactly like a helicopter.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

Do you ever see someone wearing an NFL jersey in public of a player so obscure you're convinced it might actually be the guy? Like, "Damn, I think Tyler Thigpen is in this Old Navy."

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

Robert Kraft should have to open for Ed Sheeran now. He could walk out on stage in a tuxedo and do that burping bit Wakko would do on Animaniacs. He could do a burping version of "Caress Me Down" by Sublime (which is famously about getting jacked off). Or he could walk out and commit seppuku.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 12/09/2026

Can I say something without everyone getting all weird...

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 11/09/2026

Hey Kohls, less "romper collections" and more "somber reflections" for the tragic events of 9/11/2001 (which took place 25 years ago today).

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

I've never played Minecraft but if I did you best believe the first thing I'd do is build a tasteful 9/11 memorial.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

Me: Mom, Dad, meet my fiance, Rachel Dolezal. Mom: Hunny, no. Me: IS THIS BECAUSE SHE'S KOREAN???

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

Imagine 9/11, but instead of the two planes hitting the twin towers, they crash into your Mom's big fat ass.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

Why didn't Austin Powers do anything to stop 9/11? He had a time machine in 2002, and instead of stopping Bin Laden, he (checks notes) went back to the 70s to hang out with Beyonce? Not very "groovy" if you ask me.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 09/09/2026

"My life is in tatters." -a bra salesman

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

Thinking about reversing course, changing my mind on AI, and fully committing to getting AI psychosis.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 03/09/2026

You know how spies have a fake tooth with a poison pill in it? I want that, but instead of cyanide it's bluechew. So if a volcano erupts near me and I am buried for centuries by ash and lava, when they excavate me and fill my calcified form with plaster, they will see my hard cock and say, "nice!"

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 02/09/2026

Back in February, John Rosenberger saw Muppet Treasure Island in the theater at the Museum of the Moving Images and gave it 5 stars on his Letterboxd. So, if there is some sort of an afterlife (or whatever), I bet he was pretty excited last week when he found out he'd get to hang out with Tim Curry.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 31/08/2026

The end of civilization is hitting us all in different ways. It's almost beautiful if it wasn't so, not.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 31/08/2026

One thing you may not know about me is that I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge of 1990s pop country music lyrics. It's fucking weird.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 31/08/2026

If you think the Holy Bible is good, you should try reading the Holy Moly Bible. It's hilarious.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 29/08/2026

Thinking about if Dumbledore woulda liked mumblecore.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 29/08/2026

Every restaurant in my hometown is now using AI for their signage/menus. The diner, the Mexican restaurant, the coffee shop, the Chinese place, all now have the same "Rustic Family Style Metallic Brewery for Racists" vibe. It's great. They all constantly post on the same 3 Facebook pages.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 27/08/2026

So 5 cast members from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York have died this year (Catherine O'Hara, Anthony Cannata, Brenda Fricker, Jaye P Morgan, and Tim Curry) and you're tellin' me Trump and Rob Schneider are out here in the streets walking around without so much as a cold? I fucking hate it here.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 26/08/2026

Jolene showing up to Dolly's funeral.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 20/08/2026

We got an actress named Sarah Pidgeon and a TV show called Anna Pigeon? What the fuck?

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 14/08/2026

Meanwhile, on Facebook. (this just a suggested follow in my timeline)

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 07/08/2026

Shrink the kids, shame on you. Blow up the kid, shame on honey!

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 05/08/2026

I am not buying that this actress from the Yellowstone spinoff show isn't Rosanna Arquette. I mean, she obviously is.

Actress from Yellowstone spinoff supposedly named Kelly Reilly

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 04/08/2026

Me: I get horny when I see pictures of "bras-- You: That's not so weird. Me: You interrupted me, I get horny when I see pics of brass flugelhorns. You: That would explain why you are currently jacking off to that Conn Selmer catalog.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 31/07/2026

Best way to get over someone is to get under the bridge by red hot chili peppers on CD and blast that fucker while you do 90 down the pacific coast highway.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 31/07/2026

"Oh you don't approve? Why? Is it because she's KOREAN!"

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 31/07/2026

Growing up we called our basement "the dungeon" because it's dark and scary and also because in 1483 both Edward V, King of England and Richard of Shrewsbury, Duke of York died in it.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 30/07/2026

"Mom, Dad, meet my fiance Rachel Dolezal"

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Reposted by Patrick Hastie

Jay Welch 🗽 @welchjay.bsky.social · 23/07/2026

I will give Mel Gibson $100 million to make a historically accurate version of Downsizing.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 18/07/2026

QUIT 👏 BRAGGING 👏 ABOUT 👏 YOUR 👏 EXPLOSIVE 👏 DIARRHEA 👏 MY 👏 CULTURE 👏 IS 👏 NOT 👏 YOUR 👏 COSTUME 👏

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 17/07/2026

A book called "How I Survived 9/11" and it's about how I was in my high school in Iowa that day and had to work at Pizza Hut that night.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 17/07/2026

I saw the sun and thought it was the moon.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 15/07/2026

Still having hopes and dreams at 41 years old is mortifying.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 14/07/2026

This explosive diarrhea epidemic is the sign I needed to finally start my small business. Ladies and gentlemen, I offer you Diva Cups for Shit™!

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 14/07/2026

We have learned that the word "pot" is now being used as a sort of code word for marijuana. Like how we adults say "brewskis" when we are talking about ice-cold beers. So please monitor your children's devices for the word "pot." We also confirmed that "bussy" is a portmanteau for "boy pussy."

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 14/07/2026

Giuseppe: Papa, is the soccer on? Me: Not tonight. (begins to cry) Me: What's the matter, my boy? Giuseppe: If there is no soccer, then that means there is no James Corden on Fox After Hours. (Giuseppe sobs) Me: Oh, buddy. You love James Corden, don't you? Giuseppe: Yes, Papa. He is my hero.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 13/07/2026

I really miss the old days of Twitter when you could fire off a tweet like "piss is the shit of the dick" and then sleep soundly as the likes (favs) rolled in.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 13/07/2026

Me at 20: Young, dumb, and full of cum. Me at 40: Old, cold, and poisoned by mold.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 12/07/2026

Lindsey Graham has passed away. He died peacefully in his sleep after a pregnant chinchilla climbed inside his pee hole, scurried up his urethra, and went into labor in his prostate gland. The two healthy pups and their Mama then fed on his internal organs until he was hollow. He was my best friend.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 12/07/2026

I want a James Bond film set in Iowa. Have that limey fuck deal with all the chigger bites he gets crawling around the Loess Hills looking for Blofeld. Show him trying to order foie gras at a Hy-Vee Market Grille. Let his Aston Martin get pulled over by a Boone city cop going through a divorce.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 11/07/2026

I am pretty sure that I am the only person on earth to watch all of the James Bond movies, for the first time, in order, on youtube where each movie is broken up into 12 to 15 nine minute videos.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 08/07/2026

My senior quote was "$1,500 for the weekend and I get to bring my own feature".

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 06/07/2026

There is nothing like the first 11 minutes of any world cup game where I try and figure out which team is which!

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 06/07/2026

We should 3D print a gun that blows your brains back in. 🙏

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 06/07/2026

can you imagine doing something insane like climbing to the very tippity top of the Empire State Building and flying a flag that says an earnest, albeit somewhat corny, statement wishing for peace for it to immediately becomes a copypasta for every local tire shop, radio station and MLM in America.

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 05/07/2026

Remember when Charlize Theron got nominated for an Oscar for playing that horrible sociopathic monster Megyn Kelly?

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Patrick Hastie @patrickhastie.bsky.social · 05/07/2026

Look. I am an amazing salesman. It's a fact. I could sell ketchup to a woman who doesn't have a hot dog. That's how good I am. However, she would need to have a hamburger. Or french fries. If she aint got those, I'm fucked. I gotta get rid of all this ketchup. I'm drowning in it. No, not literally.

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