iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 30/09/2025

Farewell folks Sorry for being a piece of shit, and sorry that I'll never be able to be a good person in your eyes. I'm leaving I genuinely wish you all good lives, I know I don't deserve one

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 30/09/2025

This is probably the last post you're ever gonna see from me here. No replies, no DMs, nothing I'm done carrying all these accounts around on my phone I'm logging out of everything tonight If you do want to reach me, for some unexplainable reason, do it on discord or my number if you had it.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 30/09/2025

You never will. But am I gonna post this anyways? Probably, I don't have much else in all honesty. I'm desperate for someone to tell me that this will be worth it for more than just myself. How am I supposed to do something for myself when I hate myself? When everyone I loved hates me? You tell me

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 30/09/2025

Choice I have is yelling to the void and praying that someone sees it and cares enough to say something Just the smallest thing But no one ever does. So I just have to keep rotting alone. I have no one, you all cut me off. I don't even know why I'm posting all of this right now You don't care

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 30/09/2025

This is me putting my thoughts and emotions out there You know someone told me that I should talk to a professional about this, but I don't have a job I don't have any money or insurance. What professional am I supposed to contact about this? It's not exactly an easy thing for me to do The only

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 30/09/2025

A lot of you would be happier with me gone too so Like What am I supposed to do? Keep going in hopes that I'll be happy with myself? How the fuck could I ever forgive myself for what I've done let alone you guys forgive me for what I've done I want to kill myself, I really do. This isn't a lie

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 30/09/2025

You don't really get to prove yourself as someone who can be better. So why try? Why try to keep going one day at a time trying to improve It's not like I have anyone to prove myself too because everyone's already gone from my life I should just kill myself. It wouldn't change anything and I bet

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 30/09/2025

This stupid fucking post that no one's gonna see any ways? None of you really care if I make the effort to change. None of you care if I put effort into being a better person, you're still just gonna see me as a manipulator Because that's how this shit works right? You get labeled as a bad person

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 30/09/2025

Because I'd be dead I'm struggling to find reasons to keep myself going. No amount of words I say will matter because I have the reputation of a manipulative liar And you know what? I can already tell this post is gonna be interpreted as an attempt to manipulate people So why even bother making

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 30/09/2025

You know I've been thinking about it And I'm gonna be honest, I think everything would be so much better off if I just didn't exist at all. Like if I died so many of you would be able to exist without ever having to think about me at all. All the things I've done, it wouldn't have to matter

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

Until whenever, I wish you all well. I'm sorry I failed so many of you as a friend and someone you thought you could trust.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

As for everyone else. I may be asking for pity, but it is a genuine ask. I am not the person I was in 2022. I am trying to make the changes. I'm desperate for any way to redeem myself.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

I suppose that's the price to pay for hiding from your past and trying to be someone different no matter how much you feel you've changed. If any of those of harmed see this and want one last conversation with or something, you know where to get a hold of me. Discord.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

I spent the Undertale Anniversary day and streams alone. No one to hangout and share memories with. The things Toby said to others watching the stream were painful. I felt like the words didn't apply to me despite his games changing my life.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

Now I feel like I'm no one after failing to be what I wanted so desperately to be. I have been on a downward spiral induced by the solitude I gained after so many people cut me off. I failed so many people and now I'm alone. This loneliness is driving me mad.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

Right now I don't really know what I am. When I was going by Monika I made so many bad decisions in 2022, and when I decided I was now Maxis/Dess I thought I had become a better person. Maxis/Dess was supposed to be me at my best.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

In march of this year I made my sonic account because I wanted to reinvent myself after years of feeling like I had worked on myself in a healthy way, of course I was still hiding from what I did which means I was not handling myself in the healthiest way.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

Any Idea I had I instantly act upon without thinking about how it'd affect others. I was not in my right mind.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

I want to talk about the medication again. That damned medication. I know I constantly say I don't want to use it as a scapegoat, but it genuinely made me act like a different person. I wasn't thinking about my actions, I was living solely on impulse and sudden thoughts.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

Lately I've been wondering if anyone would mourn for me if I died, and this is after constant thoughts of feeling like if I was harmed or killed that people would actively celebrate that due to the person I was. I want to be clear, no one but me is to blame for my actions.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

I've been having some pretty dark thoughts about myself lately so here's your warning for stuff like mentions of thoughts of self harm and suicide.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 24/09/2025

Here's an update for anyone who cares. I'm not doing okay. I've been having some pretty dark thoughts about myself lately so here's your warning for stuff like mentions of thoughts of self harm and suicide. Here's an update for anyone who cares. I'm not doing okay.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 01/09/2025

So many of you helped me relight my passion for what I loved to do, I hope this message inspires you to keep going. Even if you hate me, even if you never want to exist around me again, I believe in you and I believe in myself

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 01/09/2025

I want you all to know that I am going to keep going, because I know that if I parted ways with someone who was my friend the way you all did I would want that person to try their damnedest to walk a path into being a better person.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 01/09/2025

I'm going to become a better person, I'm going to dig myself out of this hole I made for myself by hiding my past and putting on a mask that slowly became who I wish I was.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 01/09/2025

The fact that so many of you have kept going in the face of my actions is incredible and a testament to sticking to your standards and morals.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 01/09/2025

I know many of you struggle with things outside of the internet. Being alive is the most important thing you can do right now. Yes the world is awful, yes bad people are in power right now, but the fact you all are still here in spite of all it is truly beautiful.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 01/09/2025

I need you all to always be there for the ones you truly love because they'd be there for you. I need you all to keep that flame known as passion in your souls to keep burning. Don't stop waking up everyday and being yourselves in a way that only you can do.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 01/09/2025

I have a really important thing I need you all to do. I know many of you hate, despise, and feel uncomfortable around me, but I need you to keep creating things. I need you all to keep loving the things you love.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 01/09/2025

Some good things are happening in my life, there are things I have to look forward to, and I do constantly think about what I've done. None of that's not important right now though.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 01/09/2025

Hello, it's me again. I know you're all probably getting tired of seeing me at this point, but I want to update you all on how I'm doing and then make a request of you all. Lately I've been living day to day trying to improve myself.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

This final post of mine is a proper farewell for the time being, you won’t see me for a long time unless you choose to reach out to me on your own terms. I’m sorry for hiding and running, you all deserved to be friends with someone who wasn’t running from their awful past.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I plan to keep the notifications for bluesky turned off after posting this because I still don’t feel fully ready to face all of you.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I am going to miss the good times before I fucked everything up. So many of you made me feel alive again, I hope that someday some of you give me an opportunity to be better in your eyes.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I would do the right things, but I don’t have that ability. The only path I have now is to walk nearly alone, into the future.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

If I could go back to even before I even started taking that medication, there is so much I would do differently. I would be there for the friends I wasn’t there for, I would stop myself from making stupid impulsive decisions I made where I didn’t think about the people around me.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I don’t think I’ll ever fix those relationships as much as I’d kill to do so. Right now I’m trying to get my mind in order, I was never proud of what I did and that’s one of the reasons I kept trying to run from it.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I hate myself everyday for hiding my awful actions from the most important people in my life who helped me rediscover myself.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

Late last year I had experienced treatment that is probably similar to the treatment I put those like Sphinx and Fawn through, but my experiences are not exact to what I did to others.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I was happy when I fully embraced that identity. I felt like I was myself again, after years of being lost and confused. I shouldn’t have lied about who I used to be, I’m sorry for that and I don’t expect to be forgiven.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I also believe it is not my place to demand the opportunity to prove myself, that it’s not my place to reach out to those I’ve hurt so deeply. I just want to be a better person, I really do. I would do anything for another chance to exist, preferably as DeltaMaxis.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I think they want those people to keep doing bad because it gives them some kind of sense of superiority. I don’t think everyone I’ve wronged is like that.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I don’t think I will ever be given the chance to do so however. I feel that there are people who don’t wish to see people who’ve done bad and genuinely want to make up for it, I think they just want to keep seeing those people as bad.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

Only one person truly knows how much I’ve been genuinely trying to be a better person. Lately I’ve been having thoughts about myself, not very good ones. I want to be absolved of the things I have done, but I want to earn that possibility.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I did this because I thought I wouldn’t get one foot out of the door with my old persona. I just wanted to exist, just wanted to write and be someone new. I wanted to bury who I used to be because I don’t want to be that person for all of my life.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I thought going into a new writing scene as a new person would be the right choice, and for a while I felt like I was actually rediscovering who I was. My biggest mistake was making a new identity for myself for this attempt to exist.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

When I first made Blurofthewind it was after realizing that I was really unhappy with who I was as a person. I was running and hiding from what I had done.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

I don’t want to use this medication as a scapegoat, but during and after I was taking it I had felt like I lost touch with who I was as a person. I’ve been trying for years to improve as a person and rediscover myself or discover a new version of who I am.

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DESS #FRISK4MAYOR @p3numbraphantasm.bsky.social · 20/08/2025

You know I really do hate myself for the things I did back in 2022 and 2023. I’m not proud of who I was at all. At the time I was on medication that was not of any help to me.

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