One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 06/04/2026Putting kids to bed after a full day of candy and treats is like trying to settle a wet gremlin that's been fed after midnight. 040
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 04/04/2026If you don't mind, I farted on your counter with my fart juice. -my 5yo, casually sitting on the bathroom counter brushing his teeth 030
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 02/04/2026If I could start my day early without actually waking up early I'd be unstoppable. 020
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 31/03/2026Getting ready to hop in the shower and my toddler say ‘don’t pee on the rug, mommy.’ I've had three kids she may have a point. 010
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 25/03/2026Coffee and a cinnamon roll won’t solve all my problems but neither will broccoli. 021
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 24/03/2026I said good morning to my 4yo and he said, ‘we JUST had morning yesterday,’ so he's ready to be an adult now. 180
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/03/2026My love language is aggressively sending the same meme to different group chats until someone acknowledges my impeccable taste 130
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/03/2026Just passed a truck on the interstate hauling massive cactuses. Someone get the Final Destination people on the phone l've got their next opening scene. 030
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 17/03/2026Going to Walmart in a new city is basically a tourist attraction. New layout, unfamiliar aisle order, great people watching, and you don’t even have to pay for parking. 010
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 16/03/2026My toddler just peeled the entire bread coating off her corn dog, handed it back to me and said very seriously, ‘I don't like the skin.’ 031
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 16/03/2026The highlight of family vacations is standing in a wildly overpriced new destination while my kids inform me, with great passion, that I never, ever let them do anything fun. 050
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 16/03/2026I’m sorry I’m late it doesn’t matter what time I wake up, the space time vortex will only let me arrive 10 minutes late. 011
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 12/03/2026Me, hauling the couch cushion to my bedroom: if I sleep on the sleepy cushion IN the bed, the sleepy has to transfer right? Narrator: it did not. 010
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 11/03/2026Why is it always 'you've gotta lock in.’ What if I want to tuck in. Tuck into bed and tuck three tacos into my face. 031
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 11/03/2026I saw someone suggest setting a timer for 20 minutes to see how much you can tidy up and I regret to inform you that it’s stupidly helpful. 020
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 11/03/2026“Listen to your body" My body: more snacks, less people understood. 031
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 10/03/2026I just put a ceiling fan on my toddler’s birthday list. Other parents will understand. 130
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 10/03/2026Either I'm in bed by 9pm, fully moisturized, or it's 2am and I'm a crumb covered gremlin with my phone 2 inches from my face. 010
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 07/03/2026If looking like a snack means the half-melted granola bar that’s been pancaked in my toddler’s car seat for who knows how long, then absolutely yes I am a snack. 071
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 06/03/2026Please pray for my son who was forced to empty the dishwasher and *checks notes* has to do literally everything around here. 040
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 05/03/2026I’m convinced that my kids don’t actually sleep, they just go into transfer mode and drain every ounce of energy directly from my soul. 040
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 04/03/2026My therapist gently: What if... you're actually not a total piece of shit? Me, begrudgingly muttering: alright, sure, maybe I’m not 𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙮 a piece of shit. 000
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 03/03/2026It should be illegal to still have a headache after I’ve taken my contacts out, hair down, and wiped off all my makeup. I did a full factory reset, why are you still here. 010
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 03/03/2026Therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now. Me: you’ve been seeing other people? 020
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 02/03/2026I may not have a pocket full of sunshine, but I do have lexapro. 020
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 02/03/2026Me: too much screen time makes your brain all gooey. My kid: then why isn't YOUR brain gooey? Touché 040
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 01/03/2026Whoever has my voodoo doll, please give it some botox. 001
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 28/02/2026Maybe if I get possessed, the demon will make that phone call l've been avoiding. 000
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 28/02/2026If I unclench my jaw, the entire emotional infrastructure collapses. That’s a load bearing clench. 000
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 28/02/2026If Gilmore Girls was set today, Lorelai would've been born in 1994. Picture her at Luke's doomscrolling TikTok while he rants about how avocado toast is green mush on overpriced bread. 000
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 28/02/2026My mom slipped in the shower and dislocated her hip, so I called 911. Once the paramedics got her out and onto the stretcher, she looks up and deadpans, ‘Seeing all of that isn't free, you know.’ 130
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 27/02/2026I love when nothing dries because the fitted sheet turned the whole load into one massive ballsack. 010
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 27/02/2026Dim lights, slow jam playing, I lean in close, unclasp my bra... and out tumble a hot wheels car, a bouncy ball, three goldfish crackers, and a chunk of dried playdoh. 000
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 26/02/2026‘Because mommy can’t even keep a house plant alive, buddy.’ -me explaining to my 3yo why we can't have a pet tiger. 060
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 26/02/2026The fact that I just said 'please use your indoor screams' to my kids really proves how much our standards drop with each additional child. 0134
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 26/02/2026Could really go for a hot Auntie Anne's pretzel and some therapeutic digging through the underwear bins at Wet Seal right now. 110
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 26/02/2026Me: I’m a super laid back person! Also me when my man has a cough: SIR. GET YOUR LUNGS IN ORDER. 000
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 26/02/2026I caught a whiff of something that smelled like Love Spell and now I'm ready to scrunch my hair, over pluck my eyebrows, throw on gauchos, blue eyeshadow, and log into AIM to see if my crush is online. 000
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 25/02/2026No one loves commenting ‘she's not aging well' under women's pics quite like men who look like Darth Vader if someone stole his helmet. 020
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 25/02/2026This whole year has felt like walking around in wet socks. 000
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 24/02/2026I’m sorry for the things I said when my inside thoughts came outside. 120
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 24/02/2026I punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up and honestly I probably had that coming 010
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 24/02/2026Absolutely have kids so they can wake you at 5:17am by kneeing your kidney, then immediately tell you your breath stinks. 060
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/02/2026Thinking about how I used to function on four hours of sleep after pounding tequila and four loko but now I’m hungover if I eat too much cheese. 010
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/02/2026I could reallyyy go for a happy meal right now (fresh Caesar salad, warm french fries and a crispy diet coke) 000
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/02/2026‘you attract what you fear’ AHHHH A FULL NIGHT OF UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP! So scary please no l'm begging stay awayyy. 020
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/02/2026My 7yo: mommy are you as delicate as a flower?? His dad: like a venus fly trap. 040
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 22/02/2026My toddler just handed me a half eaten goldfish cracker like it was a peace offering and I ate it. This is how Stockholm syndrome starts right? 020
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 21/02/2026I could really go for playing The Sims circa 2002 on a boxy monitor for 12 hours straight, the smell of overheating plastic in the air. Modern life is too fast. Let me trap my Sims in a pool with no ladder one more time. 010
One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 21/02/2026Tried to casually straighten a crooked picture in the exam room at the doctor's office only to discover it was literally bolted flat to the wall. Now my entire day is ruined. 010