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One Awkward Mom

@oneawkwardmom.bsky.social
384 followers 116 following 629 posts

mom of three || perpetually late || relatively unsociable

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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 06/04/2026
Putting kids to bed after a full day of candy and treats is like trying to settle a wet gremlin that's been fed after midnight.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 04/04/2026
If you don't mind, I farted on your counter with my fart juice. -my 5yo, casually sitting on the bathroom counter brushing his teeth
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 02/04/2026
If I could start my day early without actually waking up early I'd be unstoppable.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 31/03/2026
Getting ready to hop in the shower and my toddler say ‘don’t pee on the rug, mommy.’ I've had three kids she may have a point.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 25/03/2026
Coffee and a cinnamon roll won’t solve all my problems but neither will broccoli.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 24/03/2026
I said good morning to my 4yo and he said, ‘we JUST had morning yesterday,’ so he's ready to be an adult now.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/03/2026
My love language is aggressively sending the same meme to different group chats until someone acknowledges my impeccable taste
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/03/2026
Just passed a truck on the interstate hauling massive cactuses. Someone get the Final Destination people on the phone l've got their next opening scene.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 17/03/2026
Going to Walmart in a new city is basically a tourist attraction. New layout, unfamiliar aisle order, great people watching, and you don’t even have to pay for parking.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 16/03/2026
My toddler just peeled the entire bread coating off her corn dog, handed it back to me and said very seriously, ‘I don't like the skin.’
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 16/03/2026
The highlight of family vacations is standing in a wildly overpriced new destination while my kids inform me, with great passion, that I never, ever let them do anything fun.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 16/03/2026
I’m sorry I’m late it doesn’t matter what time I wake up, the space time vortex will only let me arrive 10 minutes late.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 12/03/2026
Me, hauling the couch cushion to my bedroom: if I sleep on the sleepy cushion IN the bed, the sleepy has to transfer right? Narrator: it did not.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
Why is it always 'you've gotta lock in.’ What if I want to tuck in. Tuck into bed and tuck three tacos into my face.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
I saw someone suggest setting a timer for 20 minutes to see how much you can tidy up and I regret to inform you that it’s stupidly helpful.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
“Listen to your body" 
My body: more snacks, less people understood.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 10/03/2026
I just put a ceiling fan on my toddler’s birthday list. Other parents will understand.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 10/03/2026
Either I'm in bed by 9pm, fully moisturized, or it's 2am and I'm a crumb covered gremlin with my phone 2 inches from my face.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 07/03/2026
If looking like a snack means the half-melted granola bar that’s been pancaked in my toddler’s car seat for who knows how long, then absolutely yes I am a snack.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 06/03/2026
Please pray for my son who was forced to empty the dishwasher and *checks notes* has to do literally everything around here.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 05/03/2026
I’m convinced that my kids don’t actually sleep, they just go into transfer mode and drain every ounce of energy directly from my soul.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 04/03/2026
My therapist gently: What if... you're actually not a total piece of shit? Me, begrudgingly muttering: alright, sure, maybe I’m not 𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙮 a piece of shit.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 03/03/2026
It should be illegal to still have a headache after I’ve taken my contacts out, hair down, and wiped off all my makeup. I did a full factory reset, why are you still here.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 03/03/2026
Therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now. Me: you’ve been seeing other people?
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 02/03/2026
I may not have a pocket full of sunshine, but I do have lexapro.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 02/03/2026
Me: too much screen time makes your brain all gooey. My kid: then why isn't YOUR brain gooey? Touché
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 01/03/2026
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please give it some botox.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 28/02/2026
Maybe if I get possessed, the demon will make that phone call l've been avoiding.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 28/02/2026
If I unclench my jaw, the entire emotional infrastructure collapses. That’s a load bearing clench.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 28/02/2026
If Gilmore Girls was set today, Lorelai would've been born in 1994. Picture her at Luke's doomscrolling TikTok while he rants about how avocado toast is green mush on overpriced bread.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 28/02/2026
My mom slipped in the shower and dislocated her hip, so I called 911. Once the paramedics got her out and onto the stretcher, she looks up and deadpans, ‘Seeing all of that isn't free, you know.’
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 27/02/2026
I love when nothing dries because the fitted sheet turned the whole load into one massive ballsack.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 27/02/2026
Dim lights, slow jam playing, I lean in close, unclasp my bra... and out tumble a hot wheels car, a bouncy ball, three goldfish crackers, and a chunk of dried playdoh.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 26/02/2026
‘Because mommy can’t even keep a house plant alive, buddy.’ -me explaining to my 3yo why we can't have a pet tiger.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 26/02/2026
The fact that I just said 'please use your indoor screams' to my kids really proves how much our standards drop with each additional child.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 26/02/2026
Could really go for a hot Auntie Anne's pretzel and some therapeutic digging through the underwear bins at Wet Seal right now.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 26/02/2026
Me: I’m a super laid back person! Also me when my man has a cough: SIR. GET YOUR LUNGS IN ORDER.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 26/02/2026
I caught a whiff of something that smelled like Love Spell and now I'm ready to scrunch my hair, over pluck my eyebrows, throw on gauchos, blue eyeshadow, and log into AIM to see if my crush is online.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 25/02/2026
No one loves commenting ‘she's not aging well' under women's pics quite like men who look like Darth Vader if someone stole his helmet.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 25/02/2026
This whole year has felt like walking around in wet socks.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 24/02/2026
I’m sorry for the things I said when my inside thoughts came outside.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 24/02/2026
I punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up and honestly I probably had that coming
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 24/02/2026
Absolutely have kids so they can wake you at 5:17am by kneeing your kidney, then immediately tell you your breath stinks.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
Thinking about how I used to function on four hours of sleep after pounding tequila and four loko but now I’m hungover if I eat too much cheese.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
I could reallyyy go for a happy meal right now (fresh Caesar salad, warm french fries and a crispy diet coke)
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
‘you attract what you fear’ AHHHH A FULL NIGHT OF UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP! So scary please no l'm begging stay awayyy.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
My 7yo: mommy are you as delicate as a flower?? His dad: like a venus fly trap.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 22/02/2026
My toddler just handed me a half eaten goldfish cracker like it was a peace offering and I ate it. This is how Stockholm syndrome starts right?
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 21/02/2026
I could really go for playing The Sims circa 2002 on a boxy monitor for 12 hours straight, the smell of overheating plastic in the air. Modern life is too fast. Let me trap my Sims in a pool with no ladder one more time.
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One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom.bsky.social · 21/02/2026
Tried to casually straighten a crooked picture in the exam room at the doctor's office only to discover it was literally bolted flat to the wall. Now my entire day is ruined.
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