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Noah Garfinkel

@noahgarfinkel.bsky.social
14K followers 209 following 439 posts

TV Writer: Kroll Show, New Girl, Other Cancelled Sitcoms

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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 14/09/2025
Republicans are always so desperate to masculinize the military, but it’s always like “No more trans members” or “Now we’re the department of WAR” and never just the sort of reasonable thing of “What if the navy uniform wasn’t the Shirliest fucking Temple thing on the planet?”
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 18/08/2025
The second act of every Stephen King book is, “Hey mister, you don’t look so good. You sure you’re alright?” and it’s great every time.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 13/08/2025
Praying for all nearby kayakers affected.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 03/08/2025
You mean Saturday?
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 01/08/2025
I’ve never seen Wicked, but the premise of The Wizard Of Oz is that the whole thing was a dream, so Wicked is just like, “Hey guess what, that dream also has a backstory”?
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 01/08/2025
This all sucks. We desperately need a journalist to sext with RFK Jr again.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 01/08/2025
It’s a time travel book about stopping the JFK assassination and “Ozzie” is referring to Lee Harvard Oswald. 10/10 so far.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 31/07/2025
(Thinking I’m about to win a debate about Arby’s being good.) Okay, but do you think Arby’s has a right to exist?
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 31/07/2025
The arc of the moral universe is long… Good luck!
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 29/07/2025
(Drunk depressed Tony The Tiger) It’s ffffffffffine.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 28/07/2025
The coffee place I go to serves their cortados in a tiny cup that I find humiliating to walk around with, so when I order it I ask for a regular cup, and then when it’s ready, they call out, “Cortado in a big cup!” which is also humiliating.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 25/07/2025
Congratulations! This is your third right? Two girls and now a boy. Nice. That’s a good dynamic. What am *I* up to? Well lately I’ve been singing Gorgui Dieng to the tune of Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen so that’s been keeping me pretty busy.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 14/07/2025
This is where I like to come to breastfeed Harry Reid.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 09/07/2025
(You’re a Rich Girl) 🎶 Laurence Fishburne 🎶
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 03/07/2025
I think A.I. is bad and will kill us all but I also do think it could have come up with a way better song if given the prompt, “What would you do if you had a hammer?”
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 01/07/2025
E.R. episode titles are consistently named after like the 4th most dramatic story line. There’s an episode called Leave It To Weaver where Kerry Weaver doesn’t back up Mark in a meeting while Carol narrowly survives a car crashing into her coffee place.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 27/06/2025
Yesterday was my first dentist appointment in way too long, and at one point I said, “I feel like they’re always playing Pet Shop Boys at dentist offices.” And the hygienist looked relieved and said, “I thought you were going to tell me I’m torturing you. You’re bleeding a lot.”
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 26/06/2025
Why would you pronounce me that? Why would you pronounce me Chuck and Larry?
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 26/06/2025
(Guy who has only ever seen Old) “I want to see Shrek, that movie about the beach that makes you Shrek.”
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 22/06/2025
I genuinely don’t think this is going to be WWIII, but what scares me is I’m never ever right about anything.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 17/06/2025
Streaming services should have a notification pop up before a season finale so if you’re binging you can get in the right headspace.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 17/06/2025
“There’s a guy named Furphy.”
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 16/06/2025
I cut my own hair most of the time and people always ask, “But how do you do the back?” It’s easy. I simply don’t do a good job.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 14/06/2025
Out of nowhere I started laughing to myself about the idea of a group of 12 year olds in 2000 getting caught trying to sneak into The Legend Of Bagger Vance.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 12/06/2025
My mother quit her lucrative job at General Mills because she thought it should be called Chocolate Dracula. Our family never recovered.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 09/06/2025
Bram Stouffer’s Druculoni and Cheese.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 08/06/2025
Democrats to Red States: “You know I actually consider myself pretty conservative…” Republicans to Blue States: “You’re not real Americans, you live in a shit hole, and we’re sending in people to pepper spray you.”
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 07/06/2025
(Peanut Butter Jelly Time) 🎶 Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein 🎶
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 05/06/2025
One thing I’m proud of as an American is that even during our descent into fascism we have some fun days.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 05/06/2025
Elon vs. Trump isn’t enough for me. I want Scientology to get in the mix.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
Even shake a baby? Smh.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
There are 331 episodes of E.R. and this is only episode 15.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 01/06/2025
Every time they left an away arena, the opposing team would talk about how they loved having them.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 30/05/2025
I don’t think Senators should have the same philosophy about Medicaid that I have about reckless NyQuil use.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 30/05/2025
I generally think it’s childish to care about what’s going on in anyone’s marriage who you don’t know directly, but I will read, believe, and then delight in anything about Stephen Miller’s wife sleeping with Elon, the world’s least erotic love triangle.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 30/05/2025
Edward Howard Newton is the guy who wrote the E.R. then song. He also wrote the Emily In Paris Theme song.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 30/05/2025
I miss when there were so many episodes of every show that they all eventually did one where it was hot and the air conditioning went out.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 30/05/2025
I just went ahead and made it for them.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 30/05/2025
There are 21 Bennigan’s locations still open and my free idea for them is to do a commercial where they sing “Return to Bennigan’s” to the tune of Return To Innocence by Enigma.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 28/05/2025
I have never been able to tell if the joke of the commercial is that she’s bad at acting like she’s sad her son is leaving for college or if the joke is that she’s teasing him by purposefully doing a bad job of acting like she’s sad. Either way I’d rather die than see it again.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 27/05/2025
I cut off the question, but the interviewer asked him what happened in Little Fockers.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 27/05/2025
What do you mean “What do you mean?”?
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 26/05/2025
There are certain songs that feel inevitable, like they were always going to be written eventually and it’s hard to imagine a time before they existed. Life Is A Highway is the worst one of them.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 25/05/2025
If you don’t call her Monica Mothman in your head and imagine her as a former camp counselor, we are not watching Star Wars the same way.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 23/05/2025
If I’m a nickel, I’m not feeling great about where this is headed.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 23/05/2025
When your mom just gave birth to twin baby boys.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 23/05/2025
Gorgui Dieng You probably think this song is about you
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 23/05/2025
I really dislike the idling electric car noise that sounds like if Christopher Nolan invented a harmonica that smokes cigarettes.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 22/05/2025
Whispering this quickly while passing someone in an airport like wer’e spies.
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Noah Garfinkel @noahgarfinkel.bsky.social · 22/05/2025
I looked up the plot for M. Night Shyamalan’s The Visit (2015).
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