"It depends on the jurisdiction." Asked which one, a White House official said, "That depends on who is asking." Meredith Kaye on the lawyer-attorney question. #satire

"Defending Main Street had nothing to do with this." A super PAC on the $25,900 it spent attacking a Maine candidate in Oregon. The vendor refunded it. #satire

"If we accept documents, somebody here has to read them." Treasury's new nine-person office confirms the diesel is Russian by asking the people selling it. #satire

Trump said Iran could take out Los Angeles. Brent Flagstone, who runs the label gun at a hardware store two days a week, explains why that is a bargain.

Russia is not saying much about its plague case, but it does say things are very much under control. "People have said that before," the president observed. #satire

"My packet had three endorsements and every one of them exists. Two are from accounts I operate." Rick Sledge applied to the Justice Department. It took 11 minutes. #satire

"Tier One-A holds those who have said 'Send me' and are awaiting a reply." Gregory Harwell III reads a warning about the one percent and joins it. #satire

A registrar lost the election he ran, certified it, then said the ballots smelled wrong. Two months on, he reports, they no longer smell. The FBI brought bolt cutters. #satire

"Advantage is in quotation marks. That's how academics show emphasis." Tucker Brandish reads a war historian, then an oil deal with the envoys' partners in it. #satire

The FBI director was sent 17 questions about election investigations. He replied that he was still looking for his gold-plated jet ski. Nobody had asked. #satire

"I know a man who wants to be asked about his floor." Time asked about the war and $4.50 gas. Brent Flagstone, three years in flooring, asks about the marble. #satire

"Everybody's numbers dropped," the Texas nominee told donors. "We had 107 million views," the president said. An expert likens impressions to a lottery ticket. #satire

A senator had the wrong basketball team. Committee aides have since written to 43 teams named for birds. "Our position is that a color can be a bird." #satire

"A right-wing party would never ask. Asking is about the most centrist thing a party can do." Clive Ashford-Pemberton reads the EPP's 2029 plan. #satire

"A ball screw is a part, and parts are their own line item." Tucker Brandish reads the Times on the missile screw that takes a year to make, then checks his junk drawer. #satire

"It's also not being driven by the Department of Interior." The White House on a Grand Teton ballpark. The Interior Department's Park Service scouted three sites for it. #satire

"The safety people wrote the manual. I would have paid for it." Earl Dietrich reads the OpenAI agent report as a how-to guide. #satire

"It's a piece of paper they got saying, 'You've already violated this.'" A judge on the White House notice that arrived three days after the passes were taken. #satire

"There's about 300 ballots right there." The DOJ cites a carrier who says he tossed Utah ballots to lighten his workload, then defends its blocked ballot rule. #satire

"Is proud to have President Trump's endorsement." The Donalds campaign moved it off the homepage and into a rolling banner, where it takes turns with Ted Cruz's. #satire

"Stand in that ticket line like a normal person and you're a reference point, same as the restroom." Daryl Stokes draws a range card for the arch. #satire

"That second one went in about four inches." Brent Flagstone reads Ruth Ben-Ghiat on tyrants who feel questions as knives, then bars a customer from aisle 9. #satire

"The building is for allies. The food court is for partners." Germany's defense minister got an honor cordon. Lawmakers from his party got a table by the pretzels. #satire

"It's really just cumulative stories of the last two years. You get sick of it." The president bans three news outlets on the day diesel sets a record. #satire

"We ran a three-seat sectional against a PAC-3. The sectional is going to have to take its chances." The Navy plans a household-goods pickup in Bahrain. #satire

Bo French called Longhorn fans in cowboy hats the problem. A Texas panel has since revised its assimilation checklist four times, then exempted itself.

"Nobody can boycott you on a day you're closed." Dale Pendergast, whose diner sign has been under a tarp since 2022, weighs in on the Kennedy Center. #satire

"In three and a half years, no Iranian drone has touched my house." Tucker Brandish studies the base damage photos and reports every blast wall standing. #satire

The couple calls him a dear friend. The president says he has never heard of him. Eric Trump's spokesperson says Eric has absolutely no clue who he is. Eric was a guest. #satire

Pentagon readiness figures show 65% of Patriot interceptors spent and a quarter of destroyers ready. Graham Teague on a department that answers in writing

The office does not adjudicate accounts. It places markers. Where the record supports four locations, the office is obligated to four locations. #satire

Judge Luttig warns the House could refuse to seat November's winners. Wade Buckner checks his pocket Constitution, minus the one page that won't open.

The South Park name change thanked Apple and Google for their bravery. Ashleigh Ameritage read it as an apology and is planning a family watch party.

Fifty-three employees talked to investigators. Six findings were substantiated. Her lawyer says some individuals may not have identified with her management style. #satire

A state preservation officer called the triumphal arch an imperialistic symbol. Gregory Harwell III reads that letter as proof the monument is working.

A joint Treasury and Pentagon group was asked to find a military option for long-term yields. Nine days later, the target page came back blank. #satire

The Pentagon orders book gave four top commanders a place to object to the Iran war. Graham Teague on a promise of the most transparent department ever.

Self-sovereign AI will pay its own power bills, an OpenAI policy writer warns. Brent Flagstone has a spare gaming rig in the den and a listing up already.

A judge asked to be told before ten trees came out. She said it from the bench and it never became a written order. More than sixty are gone. #satire

On Thursday, August 27, Tolouse Olorunnipa reported on the attempts of Republican lawmakers to restrict the ability of naturalized and dual citizens to run for office.

The Pentagon influencer hires were confirmed by an email suffix. Graham Teague on three undisclosed roles and a department that calls itself transparent.

Two are below 300 km and falling. Three more stopped climbing. None of the batch cleared 360 km, and the company still says commercial service begins in 2027.

Headlines are fast and furious on how Treasury wants to keep long-term yields down

The Trump approval map leaves him above water in just three states. Brent Flagstone adds up their electoral votes and reads the other 47 as a filter.

The White House already has a nuclear-proof facility buried deep underground and built in secret after 9/11.

An FDA office worked out how fast the recalled lettuce could have been traced. Counsel advised that possessing the number is fine and relying on it is not.

Investigators at Brown found no Title VI violation. The complaint says leadership refused to let them file it. Brown paid $50 million, with no findings. #satire

Nine of eighteen judges are now designated. One sanctioned judge lost her credit cards, and her smart speaker stopped answering her. The court is still sitting. #satire