iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 16h

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit Earlier, I saw a well-known fraudster attempting to tow the latest Ferrari supercar down the road at speed because he couldn't get it working. I thought to myself, "He's trying to pull a fast one."

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 13/10/2026

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters My friend had his lips sewn together by mistake during dental surgery. I went to see him and asked him how he was. On a notepad by his bed, he wrote “can’t complain”.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 12/10/2026

#LunchPun #mondaymirth My friend has just made a film in black and white about a pessimistic tiny bird that uses its beak to paint in the style of a classic painter. What genre is it? Wren Noir.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

#LunchPun #badjokefriday A really nice Royal Navy admiral effusively told an entire ship’s crew that they looked smart and lovely. It was a full complement.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

#LunchPun #badjokethursday “Good sized suite but let down by the lack of adult TV channels and the cooked breakfast”.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 07/10/2026

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I one arrested two vehicle recovery van drivers racing each other back to base, getting angry, threatening violence and shouting abuse. They went tow-to-tow.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I run a football team for people with speech impairments and our star striker had to come off with a leg injury. Thigh? I did more than that, I swore my head off.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

#LunchPun #mondaymirth Homer Simpson is so old that he’s now in his dohtage.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday Been trying to sell my ‘Hall of Mirrors’ funfair attraction. A buyer turned up for a tour with his young daughter who said “you’ve got a big nose, wide belly and a wobbly bum” and giggled. I wouldn’t mind, but this was while we were stood outside.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

#LunchPun #badjokefriday It’s a little-known fact that moisturising cream was invented by Irish scientist Dermot O’Logical.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

#LunchPun #badjokethursday My mate, Richard lost an arm. I wrote a short type of poem in the style of the Irish about it; some said it was the best Limb o’ Rick they’d ever heard.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit When Morecambe and Wise died they were both cremated and their ashes were put on display. One container was bigger than the other. Little Urn? I’m not sure which one he was in.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 29/09/2026

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters Our company accountant has been arrested for fiddling the accounts and several female staff members have also made allegations of impropriety. Massaging the figures? That’s one of the rumours.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

#LunchPun #mondaymirth My mate’s horse got smashed to bits by a lorry whilst out riding. He wanted it stuffed by a taxidermist famous for doing that sort of thing and for designing jigsaws. Sadly, towards the end, they found there was a bit missing.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

#LunchPun #badjokefriday My friend is a taxidermist and has developed a theme park involving it for children to preserve dead animals in fun ways. Great stuff.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I once investigated an untidy break in at a designer toilet shop by rioters. One of the stolen, trendy lavatories looked like a tall, silver, musical triangle. It was a very nasty case of loo-ting.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit A professional football friend fell from a second floor balcony and was impaled on metal railings. He had a long road back to fitness and on his first day back.. Coach - is he up to it? Me - I think he’s a bit rusty.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I suffer from Blurtigo, the fear of shouting out personal secrets when I’m at the top of high-rise buildings.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I went to see a comedian last night and his warm-up act was a chap dressed as a cricketer who removed beer bottle lids with his teeth. He was quite funny and a pretty good opener.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

This is a genuine product. I can imagine some British soldier in WW2, with no knowledge of the language, shouting this name at a German to get him to surrender.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 18/09/2026

#LunchPun #badjokefriday I work on behalf of the US President for the Central Incontinence Agency and we stop sub-standard products being sold to those affected. This morning we did a raid on a factory and they knew we were coming. I think someone in The Whitehouse leaks.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit Burglars stole several violins and other similar stringed instruments from a music store. I investigated and found the point of entry where a difficult lock had been picked. It all looked a bit fiddly.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 15/09/2026

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters My friend is an Obs and Gynae doctor at a local hospital and won ‘Dr of the month’. To celebrate they arranged for a slap-up meal with some patients and put on a lovely spread for her.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 14/09/2026

#LunchPun #mondaymirth A woman and I went to art school. We stuck various different pieces of art and photos to backing paper and we fell in love. We were collage sweethearts.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 11/09/2026

#LunchPun #badjokefriday I went to an art gallery in Wales yesterday to see some textile art dating back hundreds of years, about the struggle of the Welsh people from the dark ages onwards. I was impressed with the ‘Boyo Tapestry’.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

#LunchPun #badjokethursday As a police officer I dealt with a case of two brothers arguing about the ownership of Ultravox records left in a will. There was a lot of shouting and screaming and I told them they both needed to be a lot more Midge Ure about the whole thing.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 09/09/2026

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit Just read a heartwarming book about a woman who was permanently constipated, so her doctor gave her a new type of laxative that worked wonders. It was moving stuff.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 08/09/2026

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I missed a documentary last night about an explosion on a Navy warship. I’m told It got a lot of views as the ratings went through the roof.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 07/09/2026

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I’ve had an idea and wrote something about making hi-fi loudspeakers from recycled A4 and cardboard. It sounds good on paper.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 04/09/2026

#LunchPun #badjokefriday I thought my nephew would do well in developing language-learning techniques; he even taught me, but he decided to move to France where he supplies toilets. Sell lavvy.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 03/09/2026

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I was once cast as the lead stand-in for a theatre musical about the Cuban dictator, Castro. After a while I realised I was not going to get my big chance so left as I was fed up with playing second Fidel.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 02/09/2026

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit When I used to work in a hospital, we had a world famous goalkeeper admitted with stomach pains and diarrhoea. We put him on a drip and drugs for a few days, and he managed to keep a couple of clean sheets.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 01/09/2026

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I was challenged to get a load of chutney onto a ship and sail it from America to England in a record time. I embarked on the journey with plenty of relish.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 31/08/2026

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I have a good friend who likes to put out cigarettes on the digits of his feet when he’s finished. He’s been to the doctor this morning complaining of stubbed toes.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 30/08/2026

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday Reading a book about an invisible dog with super-powers that can fly. It’s the first in a proposed series but I can’t see it taking off.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 28/08/2026

#LunchPun #badjokefriday I was playing in a charity amateur football match and the crowd kept jeering the team. At half time I went to the local school and came back with a bunch of 5 year olds. I thought it was about time someone showed a little class.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 27/08/2026

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I went to a restaurant famous for conversation and debate. The waiter handed me the menu - “why are you here sir?” “Discourse” and also pointed to what I wanted. “That one’s not available today so you’ll have to choose dat course”.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 26/08/2026

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit As a detective I once arrested a blacksmith for making fake designer horse shoes for the rides of the rich and famous. He was charged with forgery.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 25/08/2026

John Lewis delivered earlier and offered to recycle my WEEE. Surely they could have come up with something better? Always Recycle Spent Electrics? I was wasted in my career - that’s what most of my colleagues used to say, usually followed by “have you considered other jobs?”

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 25/08/2026

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters Last time we were in France we stayed in a tiny, strange little place that used to be owned by Sean Connery. Niche? No, it was a bit further along the coast.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 24/08/2026

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I’ve just directed a film about a down-on-his-luck police officer who does his best to fight crime. ‘Hobocop’ is out this weekend.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 23/08/2026

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday There's a temporary new place opening up in our town centre market place. It sells only haemorrhoid cream and suppositories. I think it's a pop up shop.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 22/08/2026

#LunchPun #sillysaturday I have landed a job making entrances and exits for the refurbishment of the M15 building in London. It’s so secret that I can’t tell you the ins and outs.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 21/08/2026

My local Council has installed rapid heat sun-beds in public toilets to help peoples’ physical and mental wellbeing. They don’t work and the Council is accused of playing farce-tan-loos with people’s emotions.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 20/08/2026

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I took a Scots woman I am trying to impress to a restaurant last night. Once we had ordered from the expensive menu an early starter dish turned up and she looked surprised. I said “Canapé” She said “Aye, we’ll do a runner after the pudding”.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 19/08/2026

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit Went to see a clairvoyant and whether the news was good or bad, she burst out laughing after everything she told me. I do love a happy medium.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 18/08/2026

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I just bought a small and very beautiful Victorian table from an antiques centre, which I am going to put in the conservatory. It’s not much to talk about but I shall be dining out on it for a long time.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 17/08/2026

#LunchPun #mondaymirth I’ve just directed a film about a rogue nun who dresses in a tee shirt and jeans and goes around shooting her elderly colleagues at an event being held in a skyscraper. The working title is ‘Old Habits Die Hard’.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 16/08/2026

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday Our Sunday league team has a new Russian centre forward who works as a trawler-man for a living. He really likes his team nick name and I have high hopes for Backov the net.

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neilolney.bsky.social @neilolney.bsky.social · 15/08/2026

#LunchPun #sillysaturday Since i upgraded my wardrobe and moved to a new hairstyle, my niece keeps saying I look much better without glasses. It wouldn’t bother me but she’s the one who wears them.

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