iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

im on these damn mones the tears should be flowing

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its so repetitive. what do i need to change? can i change? am i truly stuck?

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i face so much rejection and i dont know what to do about it and im upset that its upsetting me so much

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because whats the fucking point? i dont deserve it, and i have nothing to offer any how

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i just want to be loved, prioritized, or i dont even fucking know. i really want to not want for any of these things

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all i see ahead for me is an empty death bed and silent funeral

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i feel so fucking helpless and hopeless

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people i should have treated better, endeavors i should have seen to more diligently, paths i should have taken

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i look back and all i see is a long long line of mistakes

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why am i so undesirable. so fucked up. so alone

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i havent felt this low in such a long long time

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i want to just cry but i cant. i need the catharsis but it wont find me

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jenny death when @msjiji.bsky.social · 21/05/2025

im back so you know what that means

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if im back here u just know shits goin bad

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jenny death when @msjiji.bsky.social · 21/05/2025

noo iam getting too old for some of this shit

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surely, this is the solution...

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but i can control my weight, no? i cant control my blackness or others phobias etc etc. i just need to loosen whatever variables between myself and finally someone will find me good enough to put a ring on

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the trouble is i want to be loved romantically and i can hardly think of the obstacles that lie between is mostly to do with weight and idk other easy targets

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idk ive been hedging on the lean times ahead sort of solving this whole over eating problem for me but lord its starting to feel like my long seating bi issues are really rearing their head again

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just like... 40ibs, i need that much off

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jenny death when @msjiji.bsky.social · 29/04/2025

the ol emotional landscape aint doing too hot today princess

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this woman really is very interesting

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its just so... sad? odd? vexing? yeah, vexing, the entire situation. thats my bsf so ofc i feel comfortable in that we can communicate our tensions and frictions in this way—but i wish, again, she saw her how i did. easier said than done, i know. only barely getting there me self

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i tell her its pretty simple but kind of fucked up—stop talking like a black girl. we unfortunately live in a racist society so sounding like nicki minaj is not helping the case. oh and also breastforms. idk.

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we can go down the list and go tit for tat and to what end? we just have different experiences and for everything of hers i can draw envy from (her feet are gorg) theres something i being she also has

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but if the mantra of passing/=beauty then the only real thing i have going for me is im shirt a few inches but then what?

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but i in turn and somewhat incensed. she's gorgeous. white. long hair she doesnt need to wear a wig for. its not as though im jealous by any means. i love being black. i like being able to switch up my styles.

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its confounding. i mean, she gets far more romantic attention than i do and always turns heads. but when it comes to work the in the moment disappointment of customers clocking tea overrides this.

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