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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 23h

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask curmudgeonly but cuddly professional wrestler Killer Kowalski "other than cauliflower, what's your favourite kind of ear?".

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Yep, that's me in Canadian Tire's fall experimental hats catalogue. I'm all decked out in the Butter Knife Dynamo. My nephew Chip Xanadu sports the Vulture Intimidator, while Alderman Bub Hotplate looks manly in a perfectly-felted Le Corbusier Spare Room, a tribute to penthouse apartments.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

Wonderful reunion luncheon yesterday of the 1930 graduating class from Mt. Pleasant Cemetery High School. Most were on the football team with me, the Fighting Euphemisms. Contrary to popular belief our cheerleading slogan was NOT 'We will bury you'. That was the motto on our fathers' business cards.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

Sad day as Zsa Zsa Gabor's Molten Lava Museum closes its doors in Leaside, a victim of the social taboo against hydrogen sulfide. "When I was a little girl, I used to dip our dolls' legs into the lava flowing behind our home in Budapest. I wanted to bring that joy to the people of East York".

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

Nervy cosmetic podiatrist Kirk Tenderloin (Michael Landon) sees #Hollywood's obsession with Bible-themed movies, and crafts the perfect heist: every Roman sandal they need, all sitting in a Cucamonga warehouse. Co-starring Joan Crawford as a footwear psychic. OPERATION OPEN-TOED at the Imperial Six.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 07/09/2026

The seasonal conversion of ice cream trucks into conveyances serving discriminating gents of a certain age is almost complete. Patrons will be lured by recordings of Lee Marvin's dialogue from THE DIRTY DOZEN. Watch for them wherever the high-waisted & Bovril-loving congregate!

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 03/09/2026

My Hollywood insiders tell me that the next #007 will be itsy-bitsy Monkee Davy Jones in SPY ON MY THIGH. Bond girl Venus Flyopen will be played by sexpot Billie Jean King, with the dynamic Barry White starring as villain Compound Interest. #JamesBond

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 02/09/2026

It's back to school for adults too at the Lorne Greene School for Theatrical Electricians. Vice-Principal Betty Gleim throws the switch for high-voltage truancy doors, alongside mascot Larry Ohm and Principal Dennis Seebeck-Effekt, pioneer of the use of static electricity to simulate love on stage.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 29/08/2026

Let the bells ring and the banners fly! Today I'm opening Toronto's first walk-in toupée humidor, Les Lids, designed by me and built by hairless (to avoid any conflict of interest) architect Frank Lloyd Writhe (no relation). Drop by for free Tahiti Treat and complimentary shirt collar widening.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 04/08/2026

With the new school year on the horizon, and an aging crop of slithering brats and stinky delinquents waiting in the wings, I'm hereby expanding the City of Toronto Truancy Squad. Recruits must be diabolical, impervious to spitballs, kind to their mothers, and able to spot a ruse from 500 yards.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 28/07/2026

Meet the Mumblerson Octuplets, celebrating 50 years as stock photo models, prized by Toronto slacks manufacturers alike for their irrepressible verticality & their near-certain availability at all times. From left to right: Benito, Math, Timmy-Tim and Oculus Pewter, Sam-Antha, Prickle, and Steve.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 23/07/2026

Sad day, as Toronto's last William Frawley cardboard cutout store, Bendable Bub's on Pape, closes its doors, a victim of social refraction, and of nepotism in the interlocking cardboard easel industry.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 14/07/2026

Planning on dating a philatelist? Investing your life savings in a butter sculpture school? Drinking wading pool water? Join me on my CBC Radio program as I soothe your misguided brain with a symphony of common sense and a dash of rebuke -- it's I WOULDN'T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU, tonite at 7pm

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 10/07/2026

Prior to my first ascendancy to the mayoralty in 1937, I operated a modestly successful men's clothing line, but my partnership with the LCBO was ill-fated. I hadn't realized that men do not want to try on slacks in a liquor store!!

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 08/07/2026

Great bargains this weekend as Canadian Specific Ltd. opens up its Leaside warehouse (soon to close permanently due to a chipmunk infestation) for a mind-bending and pocketbook-ventilating clearance sale of lassos, snoods and novelty teeth. Free parking and chipmunk flu vaccinations.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 01/07/2026

Join us at City Hall for appropriate Dominion Day festivities, including interludes from tuba octet The Brothers-in-Law of Confederation, and our favourite combobulist, Dr. William Lyon Mackenzie Pokatigoroshek, who hypnotizes your sore shoulders into thinking they are rice pudding. #CanadaDay

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 26/06/2026

Say hello to the 15th Mrs. Xanadu, Lady Prunella Orangeville-Polymer, heiress to the likely bottomless Indo-European shag rug fortune. She's preternaturally quirky, but I had City Hall's Bureau of Moral Limitations investigate, and it turns out it's just an inherited facial tic! Love wins out again!

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 24/06/2026

Designed by Gravol motion sickness magnate Dean Slacks, built by CNE Tilt-a-Whirl repairman Eddie, and decorated by defrocked Group of Seven painter Jimmy 'Paint Chip' Drumlin, City Hall's subterranean Rotunda Rotisserie spins a menu that will ensure your meal is centrifugal -- or your money back!!

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 22/06/2026

Tonite on #CBC's boiling hot cop show YOUNG AND SHUTER, our two detectives (blending in with their Surreptitious Briefcases) crack down on notorious loitering mob, the Stand Pats, whose wanton disregard for niceties of civic life leave momentarily pedestrianized Yonge St. a joyless barren hellscape.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 09/06/2026

Beat the heat and retreat to a chilled naugahyde seat at the Imperial Six to see one of my early 'Leaside Noir' pictures, featuring a young, punch-drunk Elvis!

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 08/06/2026

As we welcome cocksure competitors to Toronto for the #WorldCup of Parcheesi (I'm seen here in my Mayoral Toastmaster-General garb, as was foretold, and steam-cleaned, in ancient times), may I remind those from far-flung or near-flung lands: the escalator at Chester #TTC station is kaput for now.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 05/06/2026

The first-ever Toronto gangster squad motion picture! These men specialize in fighting ignored, but annoying, crimes, in fields like lawn staring, moisture pranks, failure to answer a follow-up question, dial tone impersonation, and fashion safety. THE UNMENTIONABLES, now at the Imperial Six!

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 31/05/2026

Every word is a lie. Every story a fabrication. Betraying the oath he swore to his noble profession, Elwood Z. Mohair (William Conrad) is on the take, but he's not going to ruin THIS documentary...only his own pathetic life, for he is an UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. Opens Friday at the Imperial Six.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 26/05/2026

Sad day, as Toronto's last flame-resistant toupée shop, Lord Insulate, closes its doors for good, a victim of under-the-table lobbying by the comb-over cabal, and marital discord in the asbestos industry. I've ordered all barbershop poles to be rotated counter-clockwise in protest.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 24/05/2026

Coming soon to the Imperial Six: legendary Voice of Doom Lorne Greene in a self-financed and un-self-aware motion picture production of TWELVE ANGRY MEN, with Lorne playing every part! "You see, it's all about using 12 different styles of chairs" says the veteran actor & lozenge-lover.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 22/05/2026

Say hello to my new Hairnet Crimefighting Team! The scourge of genteel blue-haired ladies, local crooks recently have been foisting ersatz hairnets upon gullible madames. No longer will freeze-dried spider webs or spray-painted candy floss mar the spotless record of Toronto capitalism.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 21/05/2026

I usually just wear it around the house, but Mrs. Xanadu persuaded me to get out the Brasso, add a bit of elbow grease, and a dab of Brylcreem, and now my spectacular Mayor's Chain of Office will be again rattling the sound of freedom --- and perspicacity --- on the streets of Toronto.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 16/05/2026

Rules? For losers. Hygiene? Nah. Hypersecretion of sebum? So what. Teen rebel Snatch Pepper (Scott Baio) won't listen to comely local psychopharmacologist Dr. Velvet (Barbra Streisand). The result? FLAGRANT ACNE, now playing at the Imperial Six.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 16/05/2026

A stern reminder that the forming of human pyramids during the Victoria Day weekend is subject to the City of Toronto vertical loitering bylaws. Horizontal ground-level formations of inscribed human sheet cakes are recommended instead.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 12/05/2026

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask Ontario Premier Bill Davis "do you see further lapel expansion in our future?".

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 11/05/2026

Do people question your sanity? Do you find yourself explaining your cockamamie ideas ad infitum? Do you feel entitled to keep those 37 overdue library books about ventriloquism? Then give me a call tonite at 7pm on my CBC radio program IF YOU SAY SO.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 09/05/2026

Toronto's first-ever escalator, connecting the Tomb of the Unknown Simcoe down to the HQ of the Forest Hill Ladies' Brutalist Appreciation Society is closed today due to hijinx.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 07/05/2026

City of Toronto is hiring temporary staff for Victoria Day weekend, including: Fireworks Permission Note Forgery Analyst; Princess Victoria of Saxe-Coburg-Koháry impersonators; Log Flume Ride Lumberjacks; Cotton Candy Sculptresses; Wading Pool Anti-Urination Propagandist.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 06/05/2026

#Hollywood eggheads brag about 'breaking the fourth wall', but I was the first to break the fifth wall, i.e. berate inept film crews with the camera rolling. Here on the CHICK CHESTERFIELD: TORONTO DICK set, stupefied plumbers quiver as I shout the fundamentals of narrative & electricity at them.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 29/04/2026

Excitement is building as Toronto prepares for its first-ever concrete slab festival! All your favourites, including Pozzolana, Shotcrete, Ferrocement and, for the ladies, Coquina concrete. Free albums of musique concrète for the first 100 attendees.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 27/04/2026

Sad day, as Toronto's last clown car driving school, Shtick Stick, closes down due to the court-ordered retirement of its founder Embargo the Clown, now 106 years old. But its demise was, perhaps, inevitable, given modern intolerance for miniature highway hilarity.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 24/04/2026

Banned from every racetrack, and Parcheesi parlour, natty gambling addict Chad Envelope (Raymond Burr) places one last, desperate kooky bet with dying-of-halitosis bookie Zip Tye (Ernest Borgnine) on a luncheon meat industry badminton league match in SANDWICH SPREAD, now playing at the Imperial Six.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 17/04/2026

One of my early CHICK CHESTERFIELD: TORONTO DICK quickies, made, to capitalize on Prime Minister R. B. Bennett's generous 1934 Public Works Construction Act grants. We had to construct the film's Leaside sets out of surplus Manitoba balsa wood. As for the plot? It was practically a documentary!!

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 14/04/2026

Sad day, as Toronto's last invisible ink tattoo parlour, Inkconsequential, on Pape, closes its doors for the final time, a victim of the decline in discretion, and of a chronic lemon juice shortage.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 11/04/2026

A man (Lee Van Cleef). A woman (Lee Meriwether). Another man only peripherally involved (Singapore P.M. Lee Kuan Yew). A story of love, of heartache, and of alphabetical lists of names. It's THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH LEES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, now playing at the Imperial Six.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 06/04/2026

All of Willowdale is abuzz as their home-grown slush-tronaut, weatherman Ed 'Low Pressure' Premoisten, prepares to ascend to Earth orbit in his Hyperkite, a testament to man's ancient and debilitating impatience. Thanks to his fireproof slacks, we may finally learn where weather comes from. #NASA

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 05/04/2026

In a very special #Easter issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask judgemental eyebrows actor Raymond Massey "who would you invite to YOUR Last Supper?".

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 04/04/2026

I'll be the guest tonite of Toronto Sun curmudgeondary columnist & radio host Mërzitshëm J. Abernathy on his show WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE. His disdain for pound cake ("the devil's edible pillow") is well known. Barred from radio, he relies on a network of loudspeakers affixed to barber poles.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 28/03/2026

Expect some delays on Lakeshore Blvd. today.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 24/03/2026

In one of my 'total filmmaker' CHICK CHESTERFIELD: TORONTO DICK productions, I transformed a banal Leaside sawdust store into a mobster's swanky nightclub, just with some fire department flashlights. As director & star, I made audiences suspend disbelief, if not their narcolepsy.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 22/03/2026

Sad day, as Toronto's last men's legal ringette league, The Society of Gentlemen Practisers, founded by the late Dr. J.J. Milo Neuralgia of Pape Ave., is folding, a victim of the gangland seizure of the felt industry, and gymnasium floor polish allergies.

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 18/03/2026

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask former Toronto Maple Leaf Carl Brewer "what are your top ten favourite liniments?". #torontomapleleafs

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 17/03/2026

No more fitting day to ballyhoo my two #irish wolfhounds Islington & Ossington, seen here accompanied by their nonagenarian Hibernian nannies Céibhfhionn, Gormflaith and Odharnait. The two lads' prodigious output of urine and feces is highly revered in global fertilizer competitions. #stpatricksday

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Mayor Bert Xanadu @moviemayor.bsky.social · 17/03/2026

Chatelaine magazine fashion editor Thelma Sise delle Monache shows off her latest creation: the new #TTC vehicle operator's uniform, modelled here by recalcitrant and off-duty rail grinding car wheelman Chester Coxwell.

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