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Mike Bauman

@mikebauman.bsky.social
172 followers 152 following 207 posts

Southern California's 53rd-ranked Chester Alan Arthur impersonator.

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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Scott Bessent "inadvertently" failed to report holding at least $100,000 of JPMorgan stock the same way I "inadvertently" failed to tell your mom about my gonorrhea. www.nytimes.com/2026/09/23/b...
nytimes.com
Bessent ‘Inadvertently’ Failed to Report Holdings of JPMorgan Stock
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent’s finances were reviewed by the inspector general after Mr. Bessent incorrectly listed at least $100,000 of the stock, which was owned by his husband, as cash.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
Odyssey II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold www.theguardian.com/books/2026/s...
theguardian.com
Emily Wilson to retranslate the Odyssey from scratch
Wilson, whose 2017 English translation of Homer’s epic poem inspired Christopher Nolan’s box office hit, is revisiting it after criticising the film adaptation
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
Democrats, if you’re still in line on primary night, go home. Jim Clyburn’s is the only vote that matters.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
If California threatens COVID-19 with a 5% wealth tax, maybe it will move to Texas.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 23/07/2026
You can’t get unlimited pasta at Olive Garden without establishing diplomatic relations with Israel. www.nytimes.com/2026/07/23/u...
nytimes.com
As Part of Nuclear Deal, Trump Demands Saudi Arabia Join the Abraham Accords
The president’s new condition could create a roadblock to the agreement his administration announced this week.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
Death, taxes, Argentina
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
Unlike me and Pete Hegseth, you woke morons aren’t history experts or you’d know that in like 1492 or some shit we did the Boston T Party when a bunch of REAL AMERICAN PATRIOTS drove up to Massachusetts and got totally fuckin’ jacked.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 13/07/2026
A pilot read my pilot. www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2026...
theguardian.com
Airline pilot skywrites ‘I’m bored’ over England-Wales border
Pilot took off from Liverpool and spent 20 minutes tracing out phrase that was captured on flight-tracking website
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 10/07/2026
Constable was totally banging those streams.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 09/07/2026
11-minute campaign suspension video is one of the DSM-5 core traits of narcissistic personality disorder.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 06/07/2026
What? The Nazi turned out to be a bad person? Why didn’t history warn us???
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 04/07/2026
Verde shark doo doo doo doo doo doo
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 24/06/2026
I have informed my wife that I will not do the dishes until she’s passed the SAVE Act.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 11/06/2026
Does this apply to Freaky Friday situations? I can’t get through Grade 11 again without seven daily Red Bulls with a Beaver Buzz chaser while my son sits in my comfy office pretending to do lawyer stuff.
cbc.ca
Quebec becomes 1st Canadian province to ban energy drinks for youth | CBC News
Quebec is now the first jurisdiction in North America to restrict access to caffeinated energy drinks — to people under 16, in this case.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
“I love the inflation.” A sure sign Donald Trump, Jr. has invested $15 million in a balloon company.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 05/06/2026
Finally! Do you realize how difficult it is for me to maintain an erection on my super yacht if I know poor kids are adequately fed? I salute you, House Republicans! Or I will later on my super yacht, if you know what I mean.
washingtonpost.com
House bill rolls back food aid for pregnant women, children
Millions of WIC recipients would have less money for fruits and vegetables under the legislation, which funds the Agriculture Department and other agencies.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 04/06/2026
President Trump said he will invoke the 1950 Defense Production Act to direct a $700 million investment in coal. Trump will also instruct the government to further develop what he considers the latest mining technology.
Fred Flintstone using a dinosaur to mine very important rocks.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 31/05/2026
The traditional democracy margarita.
A margarita is accompanied by a Los Angeles sample ballot.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 13/05/2026
Buffalo Sabre: “Hey guys, I saw a snail in the penalty box. I swear! It was awesome!” The rest of the Buffalo Sabres: “We wanna see!” Presumably.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 13/05/2026
A reminder that after the goal review and the coach’s challenge, we are ten minutes closer to death. Thanks, Toronto.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 12/05/2026
Don’t we all have 83 people who don’t want us to be prime minister?
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 09/05/2026
Normally I love donuts but I don’t enjoy watching the Buffalo Sabres play like a team of Timbits.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 23/04/2026
Here’s my “I’ve enjoyed a great deal of wine while watching the Nextstar California governor debate” next Emerson-ICP poll prediction: Hilton 21 Porter 14 Steyer 14 Becerra 9 Bianco 9 Mahan 5 Villaraigosa 3 Thurmond 1 Assumptions: the debate boosted Hilton and Porter, hurt Becerra and my liver.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 01/04/2026
ALITO: “Liberals should not be granted birthright citizenship because then it would be birthleft citizenship, amirite?” SAUER: “Please don’t make up new words as I’m obviously not all that familiar with the existing ones.”
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 31/03/2026
I bet there are more forms of conversion therapy this Supreme Court would endorse. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/America...
en.wikipedia.org
American Indian boarding schools - Wikipedia
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 27/03/2026
I’ve always said the American government would be brought down by Iranian-supplied proof that the FBI director cheats at fantasy hockey.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 17/03/2026
youtu.be
Family Guy - That's Rich Little
YouTube video by Family Guy Pop
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 17/03/2026
Just before he died, John Quincy Adams endorsed me in the Illinois primary.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 16/03/2026
I will never understand the fascination with In-N-Out. Take your Oscar to Irv’s Burgers on Santa Monica Blvd.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 14/03/2026
Kyrsten Sinema Slept Here
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 13/03/2026
Received several text messages from Toronto phone numbers saying the United States Postal Service desperately needs to contact me. Seems legit.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
Visit beautiful California! The land of sun, fun, and mediocre white guys failing upwards.
The Emerson poll for California governor shows Eric Swallwell leading with 17.3%, followed by Steve Hilton at 14.3%, Chad Bianco with 11.4%, and Tom Steyer on 10.9%.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 09/03/2026
Eat shit and live!
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 06/03/2026
Mark Wayne Mullin: serial killer. Markwayne Mullin: Senator, Secretary of Homeland Security. Markwaynemullin: loveseat from IKEA.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 03/03/2026
If Shakespeare had written Richard III during colonoscopy prep, the king would have exclaimed “A broccoli! A broccoli! My kingdom for a head of broccoli!”
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 28/02/2026
We will not rest until Iran ends mail-in voting!
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 25/02/2026
We have moved millions of people off of food stamps and directly into cemeteries. We have the hottest cemeteries in the world!”
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 25/02/2026
Newsmax quick pre-speech post-speech reaction poll: It's official! 98% of Americans think the State of the Union is going to have been great! #sotu
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 24/02/2026
Department of Defense: “Congress gave us like a trillion dollars. That’s more than we could ever spend! 🤑” Congress: “The ROTOR Act would require aircraft to install…” DoD: “Install things? That sounds expensive. We don’t have the money. kthxbai. Hey, let’s fly to hockey games like Kash!”
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 19/02/2026
I would have worked a lot harder at athletics if someone had told me about the possibility of winning a plush stoat.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 13/02/2026
Received a letter from ICE informing me that my fridge is being converted into a detention center for up to 140 people.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 07/02/2026
March 2029, 2:08am commercial break on Newsmax: “Hello, I’m former Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., here to tell you that schizophrenia can be cured by obtaining a reverse mortgage.”
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 06/02/2026
Received the Steve Bannon Voter’s Guide in the mail. It’s an erotic postcard with “Go fuck yourself” scrawled on the back.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 22/01/2026
My Davos talk on extreme couponing was lightly attended.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 19/01/2026
And with the Bears’ loss, teams I support went 0-6 this weekend, including four heartbreaking overtime losses. I am a jinx who curses everything he loves. If you would like me to root for a team you hate, Venmo me.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 03/01/2026
If at first you don’t succeed at being greeted as liberators, try, try again.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 03/01/2026
The Jiffy Lube on Maple Street shorted me a quart of oil. INVADE JIFFY LUBE! It’s also where I get my fentanyl. INVADE JIFFY LUBE!
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 03/01/2026
This is why you read the fine print: Whoever won the big Powerball jackpot, you now run Venezuela.
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Mike Bauman @mikebauman.bsky.social · 30/12/2025
My neighbor is listening to some aggressive, angry heavy metal and I can’t help but think I’ve found the genre for my lyrics “Trader Joe’s Was Out of Unbleached Flour.”
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Reposted by Mike Bauman
John Moe @johnmoe.bsky.social · 29/12/2025
Luther Burden is both a wide receiver for the Chicago Bears and a description of Protestantism.
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