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Martin Kelner

@martinkelner.bsky.social
414 followers 16 following 259 posts

Substack & several of the other platforms. Greatest hits book Wrestling In Honey, available in no good bookshops. West Ham sufferer. Remains third most famous person in Wakefield unless Jane McDonald catches something on one of her cruise ships.

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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
martinkelner.substack.com/p/bondage-in...
martinkelner.substack.com
Bondage in all its guises, and the wonderful world of Albo. More free political incorrectness. Tuck in schnorrers!
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
martinkelner.substack.com/p/free-sampl...
martinkelner.substack.com
Free sample of latest & greatest Kelner Prime podcast. Tuck in - students skinning a bear, Leeds veteran comedy mentor Silky at Edinburgh festival, & cruise ships, what are they good for?
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 10/08/2026
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 08/08/2026
1am @talkSPORT #sandwichloversfilmclub Mothers Pride & Prejudice, Fight Club Sandwich, BLT With Mussolini, Breville Without A Cause, My Left Foot Long, Pret Carter, any film starring Butty Davis
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
Funny….and free! open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Bananas, bubonic plague, Arthur Ignatius Slop, West Ham's pre-season, pigeons, but mostly a pathetic begging letter. But this one, like the NHS is free at the point of delivery!
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 03/08/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Bananas, bubonic plague, Arthur Ignatius Slop, West Ham's pre-season, pigeons, but mostly a pathetic begging letter. But this one, like the NHS is free at the point of delivery!
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 02/08/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Eurovision 2027 here we come!
As long as the Winnebago passes its MOT the boys and girls of my house band are ready to hit the road...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 01/08/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke.... It’s a corker
open.substack.com
Shortages of wasps, Naga Munchetty, & Live At The Apollo - these are truly the best of times
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 27/07/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Direct from the Plaka, for new customers, and curious passers by, a trailer for delights to come..includes Not Prince Andy news and pigeon shock!
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
substack.com/@martinkelne...
substack.com
Kevin Keegan, German pop star, RIP, & the problem with Newcastle; & Royal rumours, plus Filipino girls, and live lobster joke expertly ruined!
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke.... It’s free this one. Includes bad taste jokes
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke.... Subscribe now for free!
open.substack.com
Kevin Keegan, German pop star, RIP, & the problem with Newcastle; & Royal rumours, plus Filipino girls, and live lobster joke expertly ruined!
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 18/07/2026
The great joy of Jake Yapp’s Cornershop Showdown, in #Buxton tonight #Bedford next weekend, is in pulling off the difficult trick of being politically incorrect & politically correct at the same time. Totally original & hilarious.
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 17/07/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Freebie bonus....Vintage Piss Poor Podcast with Martin & Edouard; includes classic Mrs Merton out-take with Caroline Aherne
Here’s a clip of the latest Prime Kelner Substack.
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 17/07/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke.... Another absolute corker!
open.substack.com
Crazy conspiracy theories, Classic Caroline Aherne, and so much for German efficiency - it's not bloody coming home, didn't even make it to the airport...
Here's one that could only be shared with our subscriber base, but if you want to clip the less controversial bits and share, feel free
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 17/07/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Crazy conspiracy theories, Classic Caroline Aherne, and so much for German efficiency - it's not bloody coming home, didn't even make it to the airport...
Here's one that could only be shared with our subscriber base, but if you want to clip the less controversial bits and share, feel free
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 16/07/2026
Wouldn’t trust Cheshire Police if they told me England were out of the World Cup
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
I’ve been following the coverage in Private Eye, and saw the documentary that Cheshire Police cooperated on, and even there prosecution’s expert witnesses v unconvincing. Recent cases ln Nottingham & Leeds trusts suggest maternity care shaky not just at Cheshire
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
…and for radio nostalgists, classic James H Reeve from Manchester’s Piccadilly Radio open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
It's Here - The World Is At Our Feet - and respect for the Vauxhall Corsa
It's a Schnorrers' special
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
It's Here - The World Is At Our Feet - and respect for the Vauxhall Corsa
It's a Schnorrers' special
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 13/07/2026
Shame because I think you’d enjoy it. And you could, alongside any amount of fine content for the price of one lousy cup of coffee
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 13/07/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke.... This is an absolute bloody corker!
open.substack.com
My goodness, my Guinness conspiracy theory, plus distinct penile curvature, Dizzy Gillespie's trumpet, and the great Max Wall
Also: 'flimsy' forensic evidence in Lucy Letby case
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Memories of Covid, Albanese in Kylie Shame, French presidency, Montreal number codes, Spirit of Knutsford, everything that matters...
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Clacton, parrot face, & knobbly tits...
The grifter Farage's desperate stunt reminds me of the time I visited the formerly genteel East Coast resort
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 05/07/2026
Here’s a freebie for you previewing BBC’s coverage of the big match open.substack.com/pub/martinke... For a tiny fee you can upgrade & get a whole lot more
open.substack.com
Exclusive! A freebie for you, it's a preview of a change to BBC's coverage of Mexico-England tonight. Plus RIP Paul Sneddon....
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 04/07/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Martin & Will on Screen Break - VAR eviscerated by legal expert Will; also World Cup punditry so over; Huw Edwards's come back & the tragedy of the bile bears...
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
substack.com/@martinkelne...
substack.com
Martin Kelner | Substack
Broadcaster, journalist, in veteran stage of what he laughingly calls a career, addressing important questions every day, like ‘have you taken your medication?’ and ‘do you need the toilet?’ Given up ...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 28/06/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
World Cup Kelner, heavy metal stylee, plus the truth about Bruce Forsyth, John Cooper Clarke, Chris Moyles, David Beckham, & long wave radio.
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Butlins'Bum, the swinging '60s, & rejoice, Farage dead in the water. My free gift to you, mes amis, a Prime Kelner flexidisc
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
Here’s the link open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Butlins'Bum, the swinging '60s, & rejoice, Farage dead in the water. My free gift to you, mes amis, a Prime Kelner flexidisc
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
Here’s a free trailer for latest Kelner Prime. Upgrade to hear Death By Cheese, what Grace Dent does to stay this side of shaggable, & Butlins bum!
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
I’m not in charge of the Starbucks, but if you make your way to the Wakefield branch while it still survives I’d happily buy you a ‘tall’ cappuccino.
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Butlins'Bum, the swinging '60s, & rejoice, Farage dead in the water. My free gift to you, mes amis, a Prime Kelner flexidisc
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 21/06/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke.... A panoply of good things in latest pod!
open.substack.com
World Cup Kelner: ITV beating the hell out of the BBC, Alan Shearer's job, stating the bleeding obvious for a lot of money.
Plus ex-King Juan Carlos, Tony Blackburn, & keeping Grace Dent the right side of shaggable (her words!0
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 19/06/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Free! Trailer for exclusive Mrs Merton audio from way back, plus memories of the original Radio Five, & a word for the legions of the cancelled!
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 18/06/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
After Barbra Streisand (a long way after), with more urology details that you could possibly want, & a possible lifeline for (some of) the Cancelled
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 14/06/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Notes from the sick bed, Glory be John McGinn, & Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. It's free this one!
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
Hello listeners. Sorry for deafening silence. I had many insights to share in my ‘World Cup predicted purely on the basis of national stereotypes & West Ham connections’ slot. Instead I’ve been lying on my sofa feeling like shit wondering which’ll cheer me, Paddington 2 or The Shawshank Redemption
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
Are you getting a decent cup of coffee for 3.50?. Well I’d say good luck to you. Go for it!
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Schnorrers awake! Free preview of Prime Kelner, showing later this week in which I perform the classic film Casablanca using only my own mouth
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 09/06/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
For those of you trying to cope with World Cup fever, a preview of the first few matches. Exclusive and free...
....although we do give you a little nudge about possibly subscribing (once a Guardian man, always a Guardian man)
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Free sample of Prime Kelner - RIP rugby league's John Kear, blotting paper & darning socks (hello teenagers!)
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Free sample of Prime Kelner - RIP rugby league's John Kear, blotting paper & darning socks (hello teenagers!)
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 31/05/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Free sample of latest Substack in which Kelner performs Brief Encounter using only his own mouth
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 28/05/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
T.S.Eliot on West Ham, egg poachers, & Beatles memorabilia. Free sample of latest Prime Kelner
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 25/05/2026
substack.com/@martinkelne...
substack.com
Martin Kelner | Substack
Broadcaster, journalist, in veteran stage of what he laughingly calls a career, addressing important questions every day, like ‘have you taken your medication?’ and ‘do you need the toilet?’ Given up ...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 20/05/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
Where's Rotherhithe, is O.J.Simpson dead, & name three funny Scousers - Screen Break with Kelner & Buckley is back!
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 20/05/2026
open.substack.com/pub/martinke...
open.substack.com
My life and times, glorious failure to predict outcome of football, monkey news, & farewell Dennis Locorriere
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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Martin Kelner @martinkelner.bsky.social · 17/05/2026
substack.com/@martinkelne...
substack.com
Bon Jovi in the Town Hall, Eurovision today & yesterday, Legends of the drugs world, & my great hotel room interviews
All the news that's fit to print, and quite a lot that isn't. Holder of several awards, and winner of a selection box of Shippams' fish paste from the Daily Express, but it's the Legion d'Honneur I'm...
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