CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives. “Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass. Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.” “He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said. Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability. He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body. During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept. “He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.” Commanders have also praised Thompson’s attention to standards. During a recent barracks inspection, every item in his wall locker was perfectly aligned and remained that way even after the inspecting sergeant attempted to move it. “That’s discipline,” Bass said. The battalion has since begun considering Thompson for promotion. “He’s dependable, he follows orders, and unlike most lance corporals, he physically cannot leave early,” Bass said. At press time, Thompson had been appointed company armory custodian after commanders determined he was the only Marine in the unit physically incapable of letting go of a rifle. _****Roger Wilco****_ __is a pilot, writer, stay-at-home astronaut.__

THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service. Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video. “As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.” He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880. “Meet your next Secretary of the Army.” Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership. “It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.” The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army. Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue, commander of U.S. Army Europe and Africa, also filed retirement papers. Critics have raised concerns that removing so many senior leaders could disrupt Army modernization and readiness. Parnell dismissed those concerns. “We've flushed plenty of people this year,” he said. “The Army is still here.” Officials said several other candidates were considered, including a broken calculator from the G-6, a moldy yogurt container from the Pentagon refrigerator, and a folding chair that had been sitting outside Hegseth’s office since February. “All were highly qualified,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, most of them were already serving as special government employees.” Parnell was also reportedly considered for the job. Hegseth has told associates that Parnell would be his preferred permanent replacement for Driscoll. “I was honored,” Parnell said. “But Pete and I ultimately agreed that I’m too important where I am, explaining why everything happening here is actually going extremely well.” The toilet has not yet been confirmed by the Senate, though officials said it has already begun receiving classified briefings. “So far, it has interrupted nobody, leaked nothing to the press and expressed no independent opinions,” said one Joint Staff officer. “Frankly, it’s crushing it.” The nominee’s first assignment will be implementing Hegseth’s vision for Army transformation while preserving readiness during the Iran War. Asked whether a bathroom fixture was qualified to oversee roughly one million soldiers and civilians, Parnell appeared offended. “It has more Pentagon experience than half the administration,” he said. At press time, Senate leaders expressed confidence that the nomination would move quickly after the toilet successfully completed its confirmation questionnaire by returning every page blank. _****Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh****_ __finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.__

WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland. “Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought _Star Trek_. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.” Trump said his primary inspiration was _Starship Troopers_ , which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.” “Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.” The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms. “No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.” According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator. Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests. “I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.” After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft. Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket. Trump rejected them. “Too soft,” he said. Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.” By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words: “MORE GOOSE.” After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt. ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex. The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition. Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises. A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor. “The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.” Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.” Navy leaders disagreed. “Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.” Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers. “This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.” Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice. “We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.” Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility. “You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition." Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled. ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

WASHINGTON — Sen. Mitch McConnell returned to the Capitol this month after what staff described as an unusually long drill weekend with his Kentucky National Guard unit. McConnell, 84, emerged from an SUV in a wheelchair wearing a patrol cap pulled low over his face and carrying a stuffed green duffel bag across his lap. “Specialist McConnell is very humble about his military service and prefers to keep the focus on the outstanding work of the Kentucky National Guard,” said Ryan Altman, a spokesman for the senator. Until this week, there had been no public record of McConnell serving in the Army National Guard. Staff members said that was because he takes operational security extremely seriously. “He’s one weekend a month, two weeks a year,” Altman said. “Sometimes the weekend is 92 days.” McConnell declined to answer questions about where he had been or what his unit had been doing. A photograph later posted to Truth Social appeared to show the senator asleep in the back of an Infantry Squad Vehicle under a poncho liner, his patrol cap covering his eyes. “We all understand that when duty calls, you answer,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “Obviously, if Senator McConnell couldn’t tell us where he was going, that means the mission was important.” Senate staffers said they began suspecting something was unusual after finding McConnell’s desk covered with empty Zyn cans, a Monster Energy drink, and a folded map of Fort Pickett. A memorandum delivered to Senate Majority Leader John Thune offered additional clues. The document, signed only “The Captain,” stated that Spc. McConnell had been called away for “Minuteman training” and should be excused from work, votes, court appearances, child-support payments, and votes on the reconciliation bill. Thune reportedly accepted the memorandum immediately. “You don’t mess with USERRA,” he said. Members of the Kentucky Guard were reluctant to discuss McConnell’s service. Sgt. 1st Class Jethro Daniels, assigned to the 138th Field Artillery Brigade, said he could not specifically remember seeing the senator at drill. “But we've got like six McConnells,” Daniels said. “There’s a Sgt. Maj. McConnell, a Lt. Col. McConnell, and I think one of them married another McConnell.” Daniels paused. “Honestly, Kentucky Guard personnel records are mostly genealogy.” Kentucky Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Hal Lamberton declined to comment on operational matters. Lamberton currently commands roughly 8,000 Kentucky Army and Air National Guard personnel. A state personnel officer, however, confirmed McConnell’s age would not necessarily make him the oldest specialist she had ever encountered in the Guard. McConnell returned to Senate business Monday but was seen quietly slipping a reflective belt and half-full canteen into his desk drawer before voting. _****Blondes Over Baghdad****_ __lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at__ @BlondsOvrBaghd

THE PENTAGON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering replacing Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth with a rock, The Rock, Kid Rock or essentially any object capable of remaining in one place for more than six months. “The Rock is a very strong possibility,” Trump told reporters. “Very famous. Very big. Tremendous arms. Maybe even bigger than Pete’s.” Trump said he had not yet decided whether he meant actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or an actual rock. “Both have advantages,” he said. The search comes amid mounting criticism of Hegseth’s management of the Pentagon and a steady stream of senior leadership departures. White House officials stressed that Trump remains supportive of Hegseth but has nevertheless asked aides to prepare a list of replacements including Kid Rock, an MRE heater, a golden retriever, and a medium-sized landscaping stone currently outside the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. “The landscaping stone has emerged as a serious contender,” said one administration official. “It’s disciplined, doesn’t leak, and has never fired anyone for disagreeing with it.” Pentagon officials said enthusiasm grew after a first lieutenant accidentally walked into a meeting where possible successors were being discussed. “He apologized and immediately left,” one official said. “That level of judgment put him in the top five.” Hegseth’s position has come under increasing scrutiny as several senior civilian and military leaders have left the department. “He’s been talking about testosterone, shaving, warrior ethos and coed _Starship Troopers_ showers,” said one Pentagon official. “Some of that is extremely important. We’re just not sure which parts.” The White House has reportedly developed a formal selection process based on four requirements: loyalty, television presence, upper-body definition, and the ability to sit through an entire briefing without reorganizing the Army. The Rock scored well in three categories. Kid Rock scored well in one. The actual rock scored perfectly on institutional continuity. “Honestly, the rock is crushing it,” said one Joint Staff officer. “We put a classified briefing in front of it yesterday and it didn’t interrupt once.” ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army unveiled a new recruiting slogan this week, replacing decades of aspirational advertising with what officials called the most accurate description yet of the relationship between soldiers and the institution: “Your body, my choice.” Army marketing officials said the phrase performed exceptionally well in focus groups after prospective recruits were informed that military service allows the government to regulate their weight, hair, facial hair, physical fitness, medical readiness, tattoos, sleep schedule, geographic location, and ability to leave. “Usually recruiting slogans tell people what the Army can do for them,” said Lt. Col. Ronald Mercer, an Army marketing official. “We thought it might be refreshing to explain what we’re going to do to them.” The campaign follows a strong recruiting year in which the Army met its annual accession goal months early, giving officials greater freedom to experiment with what they described as “radical honesty.” One advertisement depicts a recruit asking whether he can skip morning physical training because his knee hurts. A drill sergeant slowly turns toward the camera. “Your body,” he says. “My choice.” Another shows a soldier requesting permission to grow a beard. “No.” “Why?” “Because.” The screen fades to black. Army officials said the slogan is particularly well suited to the service’s renewed emphasis on physical standards. “You're too fat? Our problem,” Mercer said. “Too slow? Our problem. Your testosterone is low? Apparently also our problem now.” The campaign also includes a pregnancy-themed advertisement in which a female soldier informs her chain of command that she is expecting a child. Her commander immediately opens a deployment roster. “Congratulations,” he says. “Have you considered the needs of the Army?” Officials stressed that the slogan applies equally to male and female soldiers. “This isn't sexism,” Mercer said. “We control everybody’s body.” He then pointed to a poster featuring a shirtless male soldier standing on a scale while three senior NCOs watched. ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

EL PASO, Texas — First-generation American C-17 pilot Capt. Maria Larkin said she was excited to finally give her family a ride on a military aircraft this week after learning they had been scheduled for deportation. “I’ve been flying C-17s for years and they’ve always wanted to see what I do,” Larkin said. “I just assumed it would be at an air show.” Instead, Larkin’s parents and three younger siblings are scheduled to board her aircraft during a Department of Homeland Security removal mission from Texas to Central America. Larkin was born in the United States and later commissioned through Air Force ROTC. Her parents and siblings were born in Mexico. “So technically I’m still good,” she said. “My husband is also a U.S. citizen and extremely white, which I’m told provides additional force protection.” Military officials said Larkin’s assignment demonstrates the Defense Department’s commitment to supporting homeland-security operations while maintaining family readiness. “Few pilots ever get the opportunity to combine professional development with a major family milestone,” said one Air Mobility Command official. “Captain Larkin will be able to log flight hours, support a federal mission, and personally watch her dependents leave the country.” Larkin said the destination remained confusing. “My family is from Mexico,” she said. “Apparently we’re taking them to Guatemala.” Officials explained that exact destinations are determined by operational requirements, diplomatic agreements, and whether anyone involved has enough authority to ask basic questions. The mission comes as immigration authorities have detained dozens of spouses and parents of active-duty service members, despite longstanding military programs intended to help some family members obtain legal status. Pentagon officials emphasized that military service remains a strong pathway to citizenship. “For the service member,” one official clarified. Larkin said she initially believed her family’s connection to the military might help. “I figured if I can be trusted to fly a $300 million aircraft into combat, maybe my mom could stay for my promotion ceremony,” she said. “She cannot.” Aircrews participating in the missions described the work as reminiscent of previous evacuation operations, with one important difference. “In Afghanistan, we were flying people out of a dangerous country because they had helped us,” said one C-130 pilot. “Here, we’re flying military families away from the people currently helping us.” He paused. “Operationally, though, the per diem is excellent.” Military officials said troops involved in the deportation missions are encouraged to focus on readiness rather than politics. “Your job is not to question the mission,” said one mobility officer. “Your job is to execute it safely, efficiently and, if necessary, wave goodbye to your mother from the cockpit.” Larkin said she planned to make the best of the experience. “I’m going to give them the full Air Force treatment,” she said. “Safety briefing, turbulence warning, maybe let my little brother see the flight deck before we land.” She added that her mother had already packed snacks for everyone. “She still thinks we’re coming back together.” At press time, Air Mobility Command was reviewing whether Larkin could receive family-separation allowance for deporting her own family.

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has spent more than a year restoring what he calls the military’s “warrior ethos” through tougher fitness standards, stricter grooming policies and repeated use of the word “lethality.” Now he is turning his attention to what he says may be the most serious readiness crisis facing the force: all the limp dicks he keeps seeing in the Pentagon locker room. Hegseth announced plans this summer to screen service members over 30 for testosterone deficiency. Clinical guidance implementing the program was briefly issued this month before the Pentagon pulled it back for revisions. Duffel Blog spoke with Hegseth about the policy, its origins, and why the secretary appears to be conducting informal visual inspections in the locker room. **DB:** Mr. Secretary, why is low testosterone a military readiness issue? **HEGSETH:** I've worried about this since I was a young infantry officer. Not personally, obviously. I piss testosterone. Sometimes blood. But you see guys with low energy, less muscle mass, belly fat, limp dicks. These are supposed to be warriors operating at peak performance. We owe it to them to make them whole again. **DB:** You keep mentioning limp dicks. **HEGSETH:** Of course I do. Have you seen one? **DB:** Yes. **HEGSETH:** Exactly. Now imagine seeing dozens every morning. **DB:** Why would I— **HEGSETH:** I hit the Pentagon gym every morning. Deadlifts. Pull-ups. PeteFit. Then I walk into the locker room and it's like somebody surrendered. Soft packages everywhere. Pasty staff officers. Wrinkled colonels. General officers hanging around like melted candles. This is the Department of War. I should be seeing flags at full mast. **DB:** Secretary Hegseth, are you saying you assess military readiness by looking at erections in the locker room? **HEGSETH:** I'm saying you can learn a lot about an organization by walking around naked in it. **DB:** Is an erection while surrounded by male coworkers actually considered a clinical indicator of healthy testosterone? **HEGSETH:** RFK and I have discussed this extensively. **DB:** That doesn't answer the question. **HEGSETH:** Science is about observing things. I'm observing. **DB:** The Pentagon issued testosterone-screening guidance and then rescinded it almost immediately. **HEGSETH:** Temporary tactical pause. **DB:** So the testosterone policy went soft? **HEGSETH:** Don't write that. **DB:** Medical groups generally don't recommend routinely screening asymptomatic men for low testosterone, and unnecessary treatment can affect fertility and carry other risks. **HEGSETH:** That's what happens when medicine gets captured by woke endocrinologists. You know what doesn't show up on their little charts? Lethality. **DB:** What about blast exposure and “operator syndrome”? There is evidence that repeated traumatic brain injury and chronic stress can affect hormones. **HEGSETH:** Exactly. Combat, blast overpressure, sleep deprivation, cortisol, deployment stress. All those things can crush testosterone. **DB:** You previously included Biden administration policies on that list. **HEGSETH:** Have you ever read a DEI memo? My testosterone dropped just saying the letters. **DB:** Will every male service member over 30 be tested? **HEGSETH:** That's the idea. **DB:** Even cyber personnel? Finance? Signal? **HEGSETH:** Obviously there will be risk-based prioritization. **DB:** Meaning? **HEGSETH:** If a guy works in signal and has spent 12 years sitting in a SCIF eating Tornados, I don't need a blood test to know we're dealing with a degraded weapons system. But yes, we'll take care of him. Every warrior deserves the opportunity to become extremely vascular. **DB:** And female service members? ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

WASHINGTON — Twenty-five years after the Sept. 11 attacks, the United States continues to process the event in the healthiest and most proportionate ways available to a global superpower. The attacks launched wars that lasted long enough for children born after 9/11 to grow up and fight in them, generated a permanent national security bureaucracy, spent several trillion dollars with questionable returns, and inspired millions of Americans to purchase bumper stickers promising never to forget something they were increasingly too young to remember. They also produced conspiracy theories resilient enough to outlive several presidential administrations and, in some cases, basic literacy. To mark the anniversary, here is a selection of stories documenting how well everything went. ## The wars that followed ### Meet the teenager born after 9/11 who will one day command all forces in Afghanistan At a certain point, the joke stopped being that the war was still going and became that nobody seemed especially surprised. ### Inspiring: This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspired The post-9/11 experience eventually achieved full generational continuity. ### Soldier avenges 9/11 by giving $100 bills to corrupt Afghan contractor America’s initial objective of destroying al Qaeda gradually expanded to include ensuring local subcontractors could afford second homes. ### 9/11 anniversary marked by confusion, questions from junior military members The military continues to commemorate an event increasingly remembered by junior troops as “something that happened before YouTube.” ## Never forget ### Marine with ‘9/11 Never Forget’ bumper sticker too drunk to remember anything The national remembrance campaign remains successful in several important merchandising categories. ### Al Qaeda marks 9/11 anniversary with honor flight to New York After years of conflict, even America’s enemies have begun aging into veteran status. ### Saudi king marks 9/11 anniversary: ‘We lost many good pilots’ Allies continue to observe the anniversary in ways uniquely appropriate to their historical involvement. ### SECDEF crushes 9/11 mastermind’s skull with his bare hands The United States remains committed to resolving complex questions of justice through emotionally satisfying upper-body strength. ## The conspiracy front remains active ### ‘So it begins,’ conspiracy theorist says for 1,260th time since 9/11 Every national emergency since 2001 has provided fresh evidence that the previous 1,259 warnings were merely early. ### CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside job For years, conspiracy theorists demanded answers about who was really behind the attacks. Eventually, middle management was asked to comment. ### 9/11 truther mysteriously killed by falling building Investigators described the incident as structurally significant. At press time, Americans were preparing to mark the 25th anniversary by solemnly promising to never forget, before immediately arguing online about what actually happened.

For 35 years, I have defended this nation against enemies, insurgents and whatever country CENTCOM decided needed freedom that fiscal year. But I am finished. No pun intended. I simply cannot do this shit anymore. My testosterone is 187. I’m 67 pounds overweight. My knees sound like someone opening a bag of SunChips. I haven't had a meaningful erection since I pulled out of your mom — I mean Afghanistan. And you know what? I'm at peace with that. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is not. I've never seen anyone in the closet more than that guy. Just come out in your furry suit already. Hegseth apparently believes every man over 30 in uniform is merely one blood test, a testosterone prescription, 400 deadlifts, and an aggressive shaving regimen away from rediscovering his warrior ethos. Sir, I do not want my warrior ethos rediscovered. I want my retirement packet approved. I first became aware that my dick had stopped working during Operation Resolute Support, which in hindsight was an unnecessarily cruel name for the operation. Where was the resolute support for my sagging balls? They now hang lower than my command sergeant major's truck nuts. I've done it all: Afghanistan. Iraq. Afghanistan again. Iraq again. Syria. Then somebody looked around the Middle East and apparently decided Iran had been getting lonely. I'm not sticking around for Iran II: Resolute Harder. My marriage already rode a bomb straight into the ground. My wife exercised what she described as her “doomsday option” and filed for divorce. The whole point of a doomsday option is lost if you keep it secret. Why didn't she tell me? I had cell service for at least 10 minutes every week during whichever deployment I was on when she stopped loving me. Now Hegseth wants to optimize me. He wants to measure my testosterone, increase my lethality, and return me to peak performance. The Pentagon briefly published guidance for this program last week and then pulled it down because even Hegseth’s plan to fix my hormones could not survive the staffing process. For one glorious moment, I thought bureaucracy had finally worked in my favor. Then HRC returned my retirement packet for the fifth time. First, I used the wrong version of a form. Then my signature was allegedly too close to the margin. Then Block 17 required the date in YYYYMMDD format instead of MM/DD/YYYY. Last week, somebody informed me my requested retirement date did not sufficiently account for “mission requirements.” Gentlemen, my current mission requirement is to buy a pontoon boat. The Army has now returned my retirement action more times than my wife returned my calls during our final year of marriage. Apparently this is the only kind of action I can still get. They have forced my hand. During my final assignment, I obtained access to a cache of highly classified documents relating to the missing Epstein files. I placed them in a scheduled Outlook email addressed to every journalist, member of Congress, and bored E-4 with a Gmail account. If my retirement orders are not published by 1700 Friday, the message automatically transmits. Thanks to AI, I no longer understand how the automation works well enough to stop it. The only thing that can cancel transmission is a fully approved set of retirement orders bearing my name and DoD ID number appearing in iPERMS. Call it mutually assured retirement. I don't ask Hegseth to understand me. I ask only that he allow a 55-year-old warrior to disappear into Florida, receive testosterone from a strip-mall men's clinic whose physician keeps winking at me, buy a pontoon boat, and become completely indistinguishable from men 20 years older than me. I have earned the right to spend the rest of my life wearing wraparound sunglasses, yelling about property taxes, and insisting my boat counts as exercise. Secretary Hegseth, approve my packet. You can keep the high-T Department of War. I’m trying to join the low-T Department of Margaritaville. Otherwise, at 1700 Friday, America learns what was in the Epstein files. And unlike my retirement packet, I checked the fucking date format. 🖊️ _****SECDEF_Nice****_ __served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at__ Foxhole Briefs__,__ Twitter__,__ Facebook__, or__ Instagram__.__

WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy announced this week that it will remove “honor” from its traditional “Duty, Honor, Country” ethos after determining the concept could encourage cadets and faculty to place professional integrity above orders from senior political leaders. “Honor had a good run,” said Brig. Gen. Nicholas Gist, West Point’s dean. “But after a comprehensive review, we found it creates unnecessary ambiguity in the chain of command.” The change comes as former West Point climate scientist Adam Kalkstein is suing the academy, alleging he was fired after objecting to instructions that professors stop teaching cadets that humans contribute to climate change. Academy leaders denied that the lawsuit prompted the change but acknowledged it helped clarify the problem. “We had a professor who apparently thought his obligation to accurately teach science superseded guidance from above,” Gist said. “That is exactly the sort of confusion you get when you spend 224 years telling people honor matters.” Officials stressed that duty and country will remain in place because both terms can be defined by whoever happens to be writing the policy memorandum. “Duty is easy,” Gist said. “Do what you’re told.” “Country is also easy. The commander in chief tells you what the country needs," Gist continued. "But honor was troublesome, because people kept asking themselves questions.” West Point officials said the academy had spent months trying to reconcile honor with emerging institutional requirements, including restrictions on academic speech, political scrutiny of course material, and the expectation that faculty teach only facts that remain compatible with current administration policy. Ultimately, they concluded the conflict was irreconcilable. “You can teach cadets to follow evidence wherever it leads, or you can tell them the answer before class starts,” said one academy official. “Trying to do both was creating a lot of extra work.” The academy is considering several replacements, including Duty, Compliance, Country, Duty, Lethality, Country and Duty, Hail Trump, and Country. One proposal to replace honor with Obedience received strong support until officials determined the new motto would be “a little too on the nose.” Alumni expressed mixed reactions. “I don't see the problem,” said retired Col. Daniel Foster, Class of 1986. “When I was a cadet, honor meant not lying, cheating or stealing.” He paused. “Obviously the profession has evolved.” West Point also announced curriculum changes designed to ease cadets into the new ethos. Beginning next semester, ethics instruction will focus on distinguishing between morally correct actions and career-enhancing actions, while leadership courses will teach cadets how to identify when an unlawful order is merely “an order currently undergoing legal review.” Faculty members will receive updated guidance reminding them that academic freedom remains an important military value provided it produces the approved answer. Cadets who nevertheless feel compelled to act according to conscience will be encouraged to first consult their chain of command, public affairs office, and servicing judge advocate to determine whether conscience has been authorized. At press time, academy officials said they were reviewing “country” after several professors asked whether serving it occasionally required disagreeing with the person temporarily running it.

WASHINGTON — Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced this week that all active-duty service members will receive complimentary subscriptions to Citizenship Premium, guaranteeing uninterrupted access to most constitutional rights for as long as they remain useful to the federal government. “Military members have made enormous sacrifices for this country,” Mullin said. “The least we can do is ensure they don’t have to pay extra for basic due process while they’re actively defending it.” Citizenship Premium is the highest tier of the federal government’s new subscription-based citizenship model, which allows Americans to access varying levels of constitutional protection based on employment, income, political usefulness and whether a federal agent is currently having a bad day. Basic Citizenship remains free but includes advertisements, warrantless data collection, and occasional interruptions in Fourth Amendment service. Citizenship Plus costs $4.20 per month and includes priority access to free speech, limited protection from unreasonable searches, and one complimentary habeas corpus petition annually. Citizenship Premium normally costs $69.69 per month but will now be provided free to all active-duty troops. “We need these people deployable,” Mullin said. “It’s very difficult to maintain readiness when half the platoon is trying to determine whether they’re technically allowed to exist.” Pentagon officials praised the program after several service members expressed concern that immigration enforcement against military families might eventually expand to the troops themselves. DHS emphasized that the military benefit applies only to the service member. “Spouse coverage is sold separately,” Mullin said. The clarification came after immigration authorities detained dozens of parents and spouses of active-duty troops and deported several of them despite their relatives’ military service. “If your wife gets deported while you’re deployed, your Citizenship Premium remains completely unaffected,” Mullin said. “That’s the kind of stability military families deserve.” Officials said service members whose spouses are removed from the country may qualify for a temporary Single Parent Readiness Upgrade, which includes 10 days of emergency leave and a link to Military OneSource. One Army sergeant reportedly asked whether his wife could simply be added to his account. “No,” Mullin said. “This isn’t Netflix.” Military recruiters have been instructed to continue advertising service as a pathway to citizenship and immigration relief while adding an asterisk explaining that results may vary significantly for everyone the recruit loves. The Pentagon also stressed that troops should not interpret family deportations as evidence their service is unappreciated. “You are absolutely defending your family’s freedom,” said one Defense Department official. “We just never specified which country your family would be exercising that freedom in.” Civil-rights groups criticized Citizenship Premium as unconstitutional, while congressional Democrats responded by posting several strongly worded graphics on social media explaining that America is better than this. Republicans countered that anyone dissatisfied with their current citizenship tier should consider military service. “That’s the beauty of the system,” Mullin said. “Everybody has an equal opportunity to earn their rights through honorable service, substantial campaign donations or being born into the correct family.” At press time, DHS announced a new Military Family Add-On allowing troops to prevent one immediate relative from being deported for an additional $19.99 per month, plus fees. 🖊️ _****Red Friday****_ __wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed__

TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marine Cpl. Brian Willis was found to have perfect hearing this week after sleeping through his annual hearing conservation test, according to medical officials. “We realized Corporal Willis was three days overdue on his audiogram,” said Navy Lt. Cmdr. David Sage, chief of naval medicine at Twentynine Palms. “This immediately became a readiness emergency.” Sage said military medicine can occasionally tolerate delays involving chronic pain, specialty referrals and other minor concerns, but an overdue hearing test represents a direct threat to national security. “We cannot have a Marine running around this installation with an expired green box in MRRS,” Sage said, referring to the Medical Readiness Reporting System. Willis received a call from his staff sergeant at 9:35 p.m. ordering him to report for a hearing test “right fucking now.” Unfortunately, the clinic had closed approximately four minutes after notifying his command that he was delinquent. Medical personnel then initiated a contingency plan. At 1:43 a.m., two Navy corpsmen entered Willis’ barracks room, placed headphones over his ears and administered the audiogram while he slept. Willis failed to respond to every tone. “Excellent consistency,” one corpsman wrote in the remarks section. After confirming Willis had demonstrated no significant threshold shift, no significant movement of any kind and no apparent awareness that medical personnel were inside his bedroom, the corpsmen marked him medically ready. They then packed up the equipment, took a beer from his refrigerator and left. “Nobody likes doing house calls,” one corpsman said. “But readiness is readiness.” Willis was not notified of his results because the test had already been successfully entered into the system. “This was a flawless operation,” Sage said. “The important thing isn’t whether Corporal Willis can hear. The important thing is that the Marine Corps has documentation showing we checked.” Willis appeared confused when informed of the procedure. “Wait,” he said. “They broke into my room?” Officials said Willis’ inability to hear two corpsmen entering his barracks room, assembling medical equipment beside his bed and placing headphones over his ears was not considered clinically relevant because his hearing requirement was now green. At press time, U.S. Central Command had reportedly paused combat operations long enough for several hundred troops to complete overdue hearing conservation tests before returning to an environment specifically designed to destroy their hearing. 🖊️ _****Red Friday****_ __wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed__

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is reportedly considering sending thousands of Marines into Iran without Plan B, alarming Pentagon officials who initially thought he was proposing the longest shore leave in American history. “We may put seamen in Iran," Trump told reporters. "And when we do, we'll hit them hard. Harder every night. After a couple nights of getting hit really hard by my seamen. They'll be begging me to stop. 'Please, please, Mr. President, we just can't take it anymore.” He later added, “If Iran wants to keep fucking me, I’ll see them at Kharg Island.” Asked whether the president had a Plan B if penetrating Iranian defenses if seamen failed, Trump shook his head. “Plan B is for losers.” Pentagon officials later clarified that Trump meant Marines, not seamen. “The president has been briefed repeatedly that Marines are not technically seamen,” said one defense official. “He understands the distinction for about 15 minutes. Then someone says 'amphibious penetration' and we're right back where we started.” Within hours, military medical commands began receiving inquiries asking whether the nation's strategic reserve of emergency contraceptives had been depleted as badly as its missile interceptors. “The president was referring to a contingency plan,” said a Joint Staff officer. “Somehow we ended up discussing what happens when you put 20,000 sexually frustrated Marines ashore without a protection strategy.” Officials stressed that the United States maintains extensive plans for military operations against Iran, although they could only confirm the plans were “really big" while noting they had been preparing for this day for more than 50 years. “We have CONOPs, OPLANs, branches, sequels, decision points, off-ramps and approximately 40 years of PowerPoint,” one officer said. “What we don't currently have is an answer to the question, ‘Then what?’” Military planners said taking Iranian territory would be difficult but well within the capabilities of U.S. forces. “The military is exceptionally good at getting seamen somewhere,” said retired Adm. Nelson Mercer. “It's what happens after they arrive that historically gets a little ‘contraceptual.’” ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

WASHINGTON — Facing criticism over a proposal to fund new veterans benefits partly through savings from future disability claims, congressional leaders unveiled a compromise this week requiring veterans to personally kill other veterans and absorb their benefits. The new funding mechanism, dubbed “Veteran Highlander,” would allow Congress to expand programs such as the Major Richard Star Act without increasing the overall amount of money spent on veterans. “It solves the fundamental problem,” House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost said. “Veterans want more benefits. Congress doesn’t want to pay for more benefits. So now veterans can simply take benefits from one another.” Under the proposal, any veteran seeking an increased disability rating could challenge another VA beneficiary to hand-to-hand combat. The winner would assume the defeated veteran’s disability compensation, Special Monthly Compensation, remaining GI Bill entitlement, and any unused Lowe’s discount. “There can be only one 100% permanent and total,” Bost said. The proposal comes amid controversy over the Take Care of America’s Veterans Act, which includes the long-sought Major Richard Star Act but relies partly on projected savings from changes to how the Department of Veterans Affairs evaluates tinnitus and sleep apnea for future claims. Critics have accused lawmakers of making one group of veterans pay for benefits promised to another. Bost said Veteran Highlander merely makes that arrangement “more transparent and substantially more entertaining.” “We’ve been doing this through spreadsheets,” he said. “Now we’re letting veterans settle it using skills taxpayers already paid to teach them.” House Veterans’ Affairs Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Bost championed the initiative, saying it "solves the fundamental problem." Veterans service organizations remain divided. The Veterans of Foreign Wars, which has strongly opposed the proposed disability changes, recently drew congressional criticism over a cartoon depicting veterans facing a firing squad. “I found that image deeply offensive,” Bost said. “Not because veterans were being shot, obviously. It just suggested Congress would do the shooting ourselves.” Under Veteran Highlander, he explained, the federal government would merely provide the venue. The American Legion, which has backed TCAVA, welcomed assurances that current disability ratings would largely remain protected under the new combat system. “Our membership is pleased with the grandfather provision,” one Legion official said. “We spent decades fighting for these benefits, and now younger veterans can literally do the same.” ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified Pentagon policy on homosexuality this week, declaring that oral sex between two men is not gay provided both participants are physically fit and clean-shaven. “It’s plain and simple,” Hegseth said. “I don’t want fatties or beardos in my military, and I don’t want them involved in any other activities affecting unit cohesion.” “But,” Hegseth continued while refreshing his Threads feed, “if two warriors are fit, clean-shaven, and meeting the male standard, then by definition it’s not gay.” Hegseth said the policy was based on extensive historical research. “Look at the Spartans,” he said. “Those dudes were constantly doing stuff with each other, and they had incredibly high testosterone. In fact, I’m pretty sure semen is basically concentrated testosterone. It literally has ‘men’ in the name.” Pentagon officials later clarified that this is not how either semen or etymology works. Former Sen. Lindsey Graham, who died last month, was contacted for comment via Ouija board. “AHHHHH! IT BURNS!” Graham said before the planchette slowly spelled out, “A STRONG MILITARY IS A MASCULINE MILITARY.” Hegseth nodded approvingly before burning the board. “Exactly,” he said. “The goal is lethality. And how are we supposed to annex Canada if our troops can’t engage in a little close-quarters bilateral cooperation?” Former Chief of Naval Operations Adm. Lisa Franchetti questioned the strategic logic. “Look, I watched Heated Rivalry. I understand the appeal,” Franchetti said. “The guys are cute. But you cannot construct U.S. force posture around how much the secretary enjoys a gay hockey show. We used to be a serious country.” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine appeared exhausted when asked whether he supported the new interpretation. “Jesus, this again?” Caine said. According to Caine, Hegseth began sending him _Heated Rivalry_ clips around New Year’s. “I told him my daughter liked the show,” Caine said. “I thought that would end the conversation. Instead, Pete started sending me Threads links, fan edits, and whatever the hell a ‘Shilya’ is.” Caine said Hegseth soon became especially interested in Shane Hollander, the American hockey player portrayed in the series. “He told me the American kid needed to be in uniform,” Caine said. “Then he said it was his personal mission to breed him—” Caine paused. “Draft. He said draft. Put draft in the transcript.” Asked whether Hegseth’s fixation had influenced actual defense policy, Caine poured himself a double whiskey. “Look, I just work here,” he said. “But Pete is suddenly much more enthusiastic about annexing Canada because he thinks that means we get the Russian one too somehow.” Caine stared silently into his glass. “I remember when I used to have dreams.” 🖊️ _****Gray Sea Liu****_ __is a f__ ormer naval Officer, current smart ass

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Members of the 143rd Support Command staff worked late into the evening last week in an extraordinary effort to accomplish absolutely nothing, sources confirmed today. Capt. Roger Mercer, the command’s operations officer, began the day by scheduling three pre-meetings to prepare for a meeting that would determine the agenda for a 5 p.m. meeting with the commanding officer. Attendees were instructed to “come with an open mind and be prepared to discuss,” though nobody was told what they would be discussing. “We really need to get left of this,” Mercer said during the first pre-meeting. “But before we make any decisions, I’d like to form a working group and circle back.” By lunch, the working group had established a battle rhythm, created a Teams channel, appointed a note-taker and scheduled its first meeting for the following week. Several subordinate units contacted Mercer seeking guidance on upcoming requirements. “Just do it like you did last time,” he told each of them, referring to tasks they had never performed before. When pressed for clarification, Mercer forwarded a four-year-old operations order for an unrelated exercise with the instructions: “Same basic concept. Just update the dates.” “Mercer is the best staff officer I have,” Col. Daniel Wallace said. “His ability to synergize, circle back, sidebar and piggyback off what someone else just said is second to none.” Wallace praised Mercer for occupying what he called the ideal staff-officer performance band. “He’s not good enough that anyone would risk putting him somewhere important, but he’s nowhere near bad enough to get rid of.” The command’s administrative section was equally productive. Samantha Breck, a GS-7, configured her inbox to automatically reject all incoming paperwork with the message, “Incorrect. Fix and resubmit,” before leaving for a three-hour lunch. When soldiers emailed asking what was incorrect, Breck replied, “Someone at your command knows how to do this. Ask around.” Nobody did. At 4:45 p.m., the command’s master task tracker showed 37 overdue requirements, 14 tasks awaiting clarification and not a single completed item. Staff members nevertheless congratulated one another on a productive day and went home. Two civilian employees and a major remained behind for another hour discussing fantasy football, retirement eligibility and how the Army had gone to shit sometime around the first Obama administration. At 2 a.m., Mercer began calling units conducting field training to demand why they were following instructions his office had issued earlier that day. He then turned off his phone and went back to sleep. Mercer awoke five hours later to dozens of frantic messages asking whether the mission had changed. “Oh, yeah,” he said. “I meant to tell them never mind.” At press time, Mercer was drafting an after-action review identifying subordinate units’ failure to communicate as the primary cause of the confusion. 🖊️ _****Red Friday****_ __wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed__

THE PENTAGON — Following the rollout of its new “Send Me” military service campaign, the Pentagon unveiled a companion initiative this week called "Send Someone Else” aimed at lawmakers, political appointees, wealthy families, and other Americans who strongly support the Iran war but would prefer not to personally participate in it. “Look, we understand the concern,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “The war is unpopular, expensive, increasingly difficult to supply, and has no obvious end state. Naturally, the people who support it most enthusiastically want reassurance that none of this will affect them personally.” Parnell said Pentagon lawyers had therefore established several Protected Classes exempt from the “Send Me” ethos. “First off, nobody from the executive or legislative branches is deploying,” he said. “These people are far too important to the war effort.” Parnell pointed to Vice President JD Vance, whose family recently sought military helicopter transportation to get his son to a golf lesson, as an example. “That’s exactly the sort of sacrifice we need from leadership,” Parnell said. “Military aviation has to support the whole force.” Members of Congress also qualify automatically. “The late Lindsey Graham spent decades advocating military action against Iran,” Parnell said. “Unfortunately, he passed away before we could process his deployment waiver, which Pentagon lawyers assure me was already very close to approval.” Officials said lawmakers who nevertheless volunteer to deploy will be thanked for their patriotism and immediately assigned to a blue-ribbon commission studying whether somebody else should go instead. The Trump family has also received blanket exemptions. “Eric and Don Jr. are supporting the war effort through investments in defense technology,” Parnell said. “It would be incredibly inefficient to put them in uniform when they can contribute from whichever side of the procurement process is more profitable.” Barron Trump, 20, is also old enough to enlist, but officials said his new energy-drink venture provides an essential warfighting capability. “Junior enlisted troops need caffeine,” Parnell said. “That’s practically logistics.” Word of the exemptions initially generated excitement among troops already deployed to the Middle East. “I’ve been at sea so long I’m starting to think Norfolk was something I dreamed about as a child,” said Aviation Boatswain’s Mate 3rd Class Aaron Brady aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln. “When I heard about ‘Send Someone Else,’ I thought maybe someone else was finally coming.” Parnell quickly corrected the misunderstanding. “No,” he said. “Someone still has to fight the war.” According to the Pentagon, eligibility for Protected Class status generally increases in direct proportion to a person’s ability to influence whether the country goes to war in the first place. “We’re behind our warfighters 100%,” Parnell said. “About 7,000 miles behind them, in most cases.” He added that troops participating in “Send Me” receive substantial benefits unavailable to Protected Classes, including combat experience, prolonged family separation, exposure to Iranian missiles, and the opportunity to someday explain to their grandchildren why the enemy had to be destroyed 58 separate times. “And if you make the ultimate sacrifice, America will remember you forever,” Parnell said. “Unless you die during a ceasefire, after the official operational window, or under some other circumstance requiring us to move you to a different spreadsheet.” At press time, the Pentagon announced a third campaign aimed at defense contractors called “Send More.” 🖊️ _****Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh****_ __finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.__

PYONGYANG — North Korea has agreed to provide thousands of precision-guided missiles to the U.S. military amid dwindling missile inventories from the Iran War, President Donald Trump announced today. “Based on my very good relationship with Kim Jong Un of North Korea, I am happy with the fact that he has agreed to send us ADVANCED WEAPONRY,” Trump said in a Truth Social post. “Unlike South Korea, which I recently offered the tremendous HONOR of becoming our 52nd state after Canada and they said ‘no thanks,’” Trump wrote. “VERY HOSTILE!” As part of the deal, Pyongyang would also provide intelligence support and drone aircraft. In exchange, American technology companies would be required to hire many more North Korean hackers than they already employ. Additionally, Trump announced a 35% tariff on South Korean weapons designed to defend against North Korea. U.S. acquisition officials said North Korea was selected after promising delivery within 60 days, beating Lockheed Martin’s proposal by approximately 11 years. Raytheon has already signaled that it would protest the contract, arguing it could produce equivalent missiles at 400 times the price if given seven years and $22.9 billion. The deal was approved after Pyongyang submitted the only bid that did not contain the phrase “initial low-rate production capability in FY34.” “They make missiles. Lots of missiles. Very fast. No environmental review, no union delays, no DEI,” Trump said. “Frankly, we could learn something from them. Their workers never complain, and almost none of them quit." ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

WASHINGTON — An Air Force inspector general investigation has uncovered an alleged kickback scheme between several squadron snack officers and representatives of the insulin industry, raising concerns that America’s most junior officers have spent years quietly undermining military fitness for profit. The SNACKO, or snack officer, is traditionally the newest and least respected officer in a flying squadron and is responsible for maintaining adequate supplies of energy drinks, candy bars, chips, ramen noodles, and foods capable of surviving multiple presidential administrations. According to investigators, at least seven SNACKOs accepted money, mileage reimbursements, and free Costco memberships in exchange for ensuring their squadron snack bars remained “aggressively incompatible with the warrior ethos.” “This investigation began after Secretary Hegseth demanded we find out why everyone’s waist-to-height ratio keeps getting worse despite all the mandatory PT,” said Air Force investigator Lt. Col. Aaron Mitchell. “Eventually somebody looked at the snack bar.” “What we found was horrifying.” The report describes shelves stocked almost exclusively with Pop-Tarts, powdered donuts, peanut butter crackers, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, energy drinks, and ramen with expiration dates extending beyond the projected service life of the F-35. Investigators said the scheme began when pharmaceutical representatives infiltrated an online SNACKO forum while posing as experienced airlift squadron snack officers. “They understood the target,” Mitchell said. “A brand-new lieutenant making lieutenant money, entrusted with $800 in Venmo payments and absolutely no adult supervision.” One SNACKO reportedly became suspicious after being encouraged to remove apples, bananas, and kale chips from his squadron. “I tried healthy food once,” the officer told investigators. “Nobody touched it. The bananas turned black, the apples became soft, and someone wrote ‘COMMIE FOOD’ on the kale.” He paused. “I’d never felt that kind of professional shame.” ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

THE PENTAGON — Senior military officials warned this week that the United States is rapidly exhausting its strategic supply of fucks given, raising concerns that the force may soon lack sufficient fucks to sustain the war with Iran while deterring China. “We knew munitions were getting tight,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “What nobody anticipated was the burn rate on fucks.” According to officials, the shortage cuts across every service and rank. “We’re low on tactical fucks at the unit level, operational fucks at the combatant commands, and strategic fucks here in Washington,” Parnell said. “Frankly, the Pentagon is approaching what planners call No Fucks Remaining, or NFR.” Officials said six months of war with Iran dramatically accelerated the decline. “You can triple Patriot production. You can quadruple THAAD production,” said one senior defense official. “But you cannot surge a staff sergeant’s will to live on a multiyear procurement contract.” The official said the Pentagon compounded the problem by prematurely disposing of experienced fuck reserves during a sweeping turnover of senior military leadership. “We had generals with 30 or 40 years of institutional fucks stored up,” he said. “Then we fired half of them because they gave a fuck about the wrong things.” Officials said several replacements arrived with abundant enthusiasm but were later determined to possess “high quantities of confidence with negligible fuck content.” The shortage has become particularly acute as military planners simultaneously manage the Iran war, depleted weapons inventories, deteriorating infrastructure, and preparations for a possible future conflict in the Pacific. “China is the pacing threat,” said retired Army Col. Eric Halvorsen, a defense analyst. “If we expend every remaining fuck in CENTCOM, what are we supposed to give INDOPACOM?” Halvorsen said the Pentagon spent decades neglecting what he called the fuck-industrial base. “We assumed fucks were basically infinite,” he said. “You'd commission a lieutenant, issue him a CAC card, and somehow five years later he'd [cliffhanger] still care about something.” “That assumption was catastrophically wrong.” There is one encouraging sign. After years of recruiting difficulties, the services are once again bringing large numbers of young Americans into uniform, providing the military with its first significant supply of virgin fucks in years. “The average 18-year-old recruit arrives with an astonishing number of fucks to give,” Parnell said. “They care about fitness. They care about doing a good job. Some of them actually believe their chain of command knows what it's doing.” He paused. “Obviously, retention is our concern.” Army researchers estimate that basic training consumes relatively few fucks, but the first permanent duty station can deplete a soldier’s reserves within months through repeated motor-pool formations, barracks mold, online training, weekend recalls, and being told at 1630 that nobody is going home until an unspecified task is complete. “One poorly planned command-maintenance Monday can burn through fucks faster than Iran burns through Shahed drones,” said one Army official. Pentagon planners are considering several emergency measures, including recycling previously expended fucks, purchasing fucks from allied nations, and invoking the Defense Production Act to compel American industry to give a shit. Officials cautioned that foreign supplies may also be limited. “The Ukrainians used to have fucks to spare,” Halvorsen said. “Then they spent four years fighting Russia while we held meetings about whether they were using them efficiently.” Hegseth dismissed concerns about the shortage. “We have more fucks than anybody,” he said. “Beautiful fucks. Lethal fucks. We're manufacturing fucks at levels nobody has ever seen.” At press time, President Trump had reportedly ordered an investigation to determine who leaked the classified location of America’s remaining fucks. 🖊️ _****Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh****_ __finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.__

**_The following is an opinion article by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth._** At ease, patriots. Listen up because I’m only going to say this 15 or 20 more times. Nobody is fucking going anywhere until we have 100% accountability of all sensitive items, exquisite munitions, and long-range precision weapons in the United States military. The boss wants this Iran thing wrapped up, and apparently firing hundreds of cruise missiles, Patriots, THAAD interceptors and other expensive-ass shit means we are starting to run low on them. I don’t want to hear any pissing and moaning. You people should have seen this coming. We destroyed Iran’s military months ago. Then we destroyed it again. Then a third time. Unfortunately, they keep showing up for work, so we may have to destroy it several more times before they understand that they’ve been destroyed. So I need every commander in every service to conduct a hands-across-America sensitive-items inventory immediately. Somewhere out there is a Tomahawk you thought somebody else signed for. I want that motherfucker. Maybe there’s an air-launched cruise missile being used as a picnic table at Minot. Or there's some Navy chief out there with three TLAMs shoved behind a paint locker because moving them would require updating a spreadsheet. Perhaps there's an Army warrant officer sitting on six THAAD interceptors since 2019 because nobody ever specifically asked him about them. Check, goddamnit. I want to physically see the missile. And don’t come back telling me something is “accounted for” because it appears on a property book. If the hand receipt says you have 12 and there are 11 sitting there, congratulations: We are all staying until somebody finds number 12. I don’t care if the guy who signed for it PCSed four years ago. Get him on the damn phone. To encourage honesty, we’ve placed amnesty boxes at installations worldwide. If you have an unauthorized high-end munition, just put it inside. No questions asked. I don't care if you took a JASSM home as a souvenir or if your squadron has been using an SM-6 as a coat rack. Maybe you found a Patriot interceptor behind the barracks and were afraid to say anything. Today is your day. It doesn't matter how it got there. We just need it back. And before anybody asks: Yes, missiles displayed outside headquarters buildings count. There is no such thing as a “ceremonial Tomahawk” anymore. Not when China exists. This isn’t just about Iran. We need enough weapons left over to deter China, defend Taiwan, defend Guam, defend Japan and fight whatever other war we accidentally discover we’re already in by then. People keep telling me long-range munitions production requires years of industrial planning, specialized supply chains, and sustained procurement. Bullshit. Have you checked the motor pool? Frankly, I don’t like this any more than you do. I’ve got things to do. But the old man says we’re staying here until we have enough missiles for Iran, the Pacific, and whatever comes next, or until everybody stops asking about the Epstein files. I don’t need to tell you which requirement I expect us to meet first. So when I dismiss you, I want to see assholes and elbows. Check every office, bunker, hangar, ship, warehouse and wall locker in the Department of War. And if anybody finds a pallet marked “DO NOT INVENTORY — CENTCOM,” leave it exactly where it is and call me personally. I’ll be in my office doing pull-ups if you need me. This strategic logistics bullshit has interfered with my PT program long enough. 🖊️ _****Bull Winkle****_ __is a writer and amateur phrenologist who is available to make your next party, birthday, wedding or pointless war super fun.__

FORT BRAGG — U.S. Army Reserve Command today unveiled a new recruiting slogan after officials concluded their previous campaign had failed to resonate with younger Americans. Beginning next battle assembly, the Army Reserve will officially adopt “Nothing we do today is more important than lunch” as its new recruiting motto. “We tried ‘It’s Your Time,’” said Maj. Tyler Hooker of USARC’s advertising team. “It turns out Gen Z doesn’t believe anyone is handing them anything — not jobs, not houses, and definitely not free time.” According to Hooker, a market research study conducted over a single drill weekend found younger Americans were primarily interested in the Reserve as an opportunity to experience active duty without accidentally becoming active duty. “Well, shit,” recalled Col. Mark Bravo after reviewing the results. “That was basically the Army Reserve before Sept. 11.” The study also found that junior reservists ranked the primary benefits of service as wearing the uniform, accomplishing as little work as possible before 1130, and collecting a free lunch. “To be fair,” Bravo said, “that’s also a pretty accurate description of active duty.” Researchers noted there are plenty of civilian jobs where employees accomplish very little, but few provide free uniforms, government travel, and the possibility of spending three hours discussing a PowerPoint presentation over lunch at P.F. Chang’s or Twin Peaks. Hooker said the campaign’s breakthrough came midway through a briefing when Maj. John Boros interrupted the presentation. “Knock off all this briefing nonsense,” Boros reportedly said. “Let’s get down to business. Where are we eating lunch?” The room fell silent. “Then he looked around and said, ‘Nothing we do today is more important than lunch,’” Hooker recalled. “Colonel Bravo immediately stood up and yelled, ‘That’s it! Print the posters!’” Bravo defended the slogan as refreshingly honest. “We’re not saying we don’t accomplish important things,” he said. “We’re simply acknowledging that lunch consistently outranks all of them.” Bravo admitted leadership briefly considered bringing back the Army’s iconic “Be All You Can Be” campaign before deciding against it. “That slogan let people project whatever dream they wanted onto military service,” Bravo said. “Our new one tells them exactly what they’re getting.” At press time, the slogan rollout had been postponed because the working group assigned to finalize it was still out to lunch. 🖊️ _****SECDEF_Nice****_ __served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at__ Foxhole Briefs__,__ Twitter__,__ Facebook__, or__ Instagram__.__

THE PENTAGON — Senior defense officials launched an internal review this week after discovering Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s repeated warnings about collapsing military fitness standards were based primarily on his own advancing age. According to multiple officials, concerns began after Hegseth repeatedly claimed the Army lowered its standards “every four or five years, usually around my birthday.” “After about the fifth time he said the force was getting softer, I finally asked him which standards he meant,” said one official. “Holy shit. Within five seconds, I realized this man had apparently never read an age-based scoring chart.” The official said Hegseth’s approach to physical fitness testing throughout his military career was remarkably consistent. “He would show up, ask what he needed to do to score 70 points, then leave before anyone explained why the number had changed,” the official said. “He genuinely thought the Army kept lowering the standard. Nobody had the heart to tell him he was just getting older.” Army Fitness Test standards divide soldiers into progressively older age groups, generally in five-year increments. “Every time he entered a new bracket, he interpreted it as another collapse in discipline,” the official said. “From his perspective, military readiness has been steadily declining since his twenties.” Officials reviewing Hegseth’s records said the pattern was unmistakable. When his run time allowance increased in his early 30s, he blamed President Barack Obama. When it increased again in his late 30s, he blamed [cliffhanger] diversity initiatives. After entering his most recent bracket, he ordered a department-wide review of the warrior ethos. Officials acknowledged that the military provides little formal instruction on reading fitness score tables but questioned whether any was necessary. “It's not the Rosetta Stone,” another official said. “The chart is about as complicated as breathing burn pit fumes.” According to the official, Hegseth initially mistook the age ranges for presidential approval ratings. “He pointed to ‘42-46’ and said, ‘See? Biden destroyed readiness,’” the official recalled. “We explained that was his age bracket. He accused us of making excuses.” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell declined to address whether Hegseth understood age-normed scoring. “I’m not going to get into hypothetical charts,” Parnell said. “The secretary remains focused on restoring the warrior ethos, increasing lethality, and ensuring America has the most physically capable fighting force on Earth.” Parnell abruptly ended the briefing when a reporter asked whether the most capable fighting force on Earth should also be capable of reading a PDF. At press time, Hegseth had ordered the Army to restore the physical fitness standards in effect when he was 23, calling them “the last objectively rigorous standards before the military began changing them specifically to embarrass me.” 🖊️ _****SECDEF_Nice****_ __served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at__ Foxhole Briefs__,__ Twitter__,__ Facebook__, or__ Instagram__.__

****FREE EDITION**** You're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. ****We are ad-free and reader-supported.**** THE PENTAGON — U.S. Central Command has called for help and America's Most-Trusted Military News Source, as usual, is here to provide it. After six months of war, a collapsed ceasefire, dwindling munitions, and no obvious path to victory, CENTCOM recently asked military analysts to submit “new creative and unconventional ways to pressure and punish Iran” and bring its leaders back to the negotiating table. This is reassuring because it confirms America’s most important military campaign has officially entered the portion of the group project where someone asks whether anyone has any ideas. Fortunately, Duffel Blog does. ### **1. Surrender** Sure, it might look bad. But surrender would conserve critical munitions needed for the Pacific and allow sailors to reunite with loved ones at San Diego and Norfolk strip clubs, tattoo parlors, and divorce mediation offices. Just call it a “charging to lethal victory in the opposite direction." ### **2. Move the goalposts** Did you publicly announce goals that now appear more delusional than an E-1 looking for love at a strip club? Change them. Regime change becomes degrading capabilities. Degrading capabilities becomes sending a message. Sending a message becomes demonstrating resolve. Demonstrating resolve becomes “Iran definitely knows we’re upset.” Once the objective is vague enough, victory becomes inevitable. ### **3. Redefine everything** Words have meaning until they become operationally inconvenient. A war is a ceasefire. A retreat is force protection. A failed offensive is strategic patience. Civilian casualties are emerging narrative challenges. Call the ayatollah after the next missile strike and ask what his problem is. When he says the countries are at war, respond, “That doesn’t sound like us. We campaigned on no new wars.” Follow up with proven diplomatic phrases such as “You��re overreacting,” “That was obviously a joke,” and “After everything we’ve done for you?” ### **4. Turn the war off and back on again** Ask the S-6 to shut down hostilities, wait 30 seconds, jiggle the regional power cable, and restart the conflict. If the war still does not work, submit a help ticket and receive a response within three to five strategic business days asking whether the issue has resolved itself. ### **5. Crowdsource the campaign on the War Thunder forums** War Thunder players possess years of virtual combat experience and routinely demonstrate access to classified technical documents. They are therefore the only available population with both relevant expertise, the appropriate security clearances, and the absence of judgment required to post classified material where even the newest North Korean lieutenant can study it. ### **6. Air-drop three pigs into Tehran** Paint the numbers 1, 2, and 4 on their sides before releasing them. While Iranian security forces search for Pig 3, seize Kharg Island, recover the enriched uranium, and leave before anyone realizes there were only three pigs. This is the sort of deception operation military planners used to develop before PowerPoint. ### **7. Send Jared Kushner back to negotiate** The first ceasefire may not have lasted, but Iranian officials cannot possibly bear to sit through another meeting with Kushner. Lock him in a conference room with the Iranian delegation and... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: * Every Duffel Blog story * The complete archive * Exclusive newsletters and features * The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

WASHINGTON — With U.S. forces once again exchanging strikes with Iran while officials continue insisting they are not seeking a wider war, Americans have begun thanking service members for their future service. The new greeting has spread rapidly through airports, gas stations, grocery stores, and chain restaurants near military installations. “Thanks for your future service,” said one cashier at Buc-ee's after ringing up an Army specialist's beef jerky, Zyn, and energy drinks. “You know... just in case.” Defense officials acknowledged the trend had become increasingly common. “We're not saying there will be another major deployment,” one Pentagon spokesman said. “We're just saying if there is, statistically speaking, it'll probably involve the same people buying Tornados at Love's Travel Stops today.” Military planners denied the United States was preparing for another prolonged conflict in the Middle East while quietly directing every airborne brigade to ensure all duffel bags remained “deployment ready indefinitely.” “We've had our gear packed for so long the compression straps have compression straps,” said Sgt. 1st Class Roberto Moreno of the 82nd Airborne Division. “At this point I don't even unpack. I just rotate socks.” Not everyone appreciated the new expression. Pfc. Kyle Whitford, who joined the Texas Army National Guard believing the wars were finally over, said the phrase had become increasingly unsettling. “I enlisted to help pay for college,” Whitford said. “Then the gas station lady thanked me for my future service, the cashier at Lowe's asked if I'd been issued desert boots yet, and my mom started introducing me as 'our next generation of combat veteran.'” ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced Tuesday that U.S. combat casualties will now only be recognized during normal government business hours after officials determined that wars had become increasingly difficult to manage across multiple spreadsheets. The new guidance follows the Department of Defense decision to remove four soldiers killed during renewed fighting with Iran from Operation Epic Fury’s official casualty count and place them under a separate category titled “Overseas Operations.” Officials defended the move by noting the four soldiers were killed after Operation Epic Fury had officially ended, despite being killed by the same enemy, in the same region, during the same war military officials continue to describe as a ceasefire that, nevertheless, still involves a substantial amount of fire. “Americans deserve accurate reporting,” Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell said. “That’s why we’re aligning casualty reporting with established federal business practices.” Effective immediately, personnel killed between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Eastern time, Monday through Friday, excluding federal holidays, will remain eligible for classification as killed in action. Deaths occurring outside that window will receive “the operational designation most appropriate for the department’s current messaging needs.” “These brave Americans still died serving their country,” Parnell said. “We’re simply enhancing transparency by ensuring every death is assigned to the correct spreadsheet.” Under the revised guidance, weekend deaths will be classified as Hostile Workplace Incidents, while fatalities during ceasefires will be categorized as Ceasefire-Adjacent Workplace Violence pending review by the Office of Strategic Narrative Alignment. Additional categories include: * Operational Pause Mishap * Federal Holiday Kinetic Occurrence * Patriotism After Hours * Administrative KIA * Pending Timecard Approval The policy has reportedly left casualty assistance officers struggling to explain the distinctions to grieving families. “My husband was killed when an Iranian missile hit his base,” said Melissa Carter, whose husband, an Army captain, died in Jordan. “The casualty officer told me he wasn’t killed during the operation because the operation had already transitioned into an overseas administrative posture.” “Am I still allowed to tell our children their father was killed in action, or was it technically workplace violence?” One Gold Star father said the government had provided his family with four different descriptions of his son’s death. “The death certificate says hostile action,” he said. “The chaplain says he made the ultimate sacrifice. The Pentagon database says ‘Overseas Operations.’ Public affairs says he was lost during a period of enhanced operational restraint.” “I just need to know what to tell my grandson.” At Arlington National Cemetery, workers reportedly spent Tuesday marking graves with sticky notes reading “Pending Reclassification.” Officials said the cemetery had also been ordered to disinter service members whose deaths no longer qualified as part of Operation Epic Fury and temporarily relocate them to a new section designated “Other Overseas Administrative Events.” The Army Corps of Engineers briefly considered attaching stickers to the affected headstones reading “Not Counted During Initial Operational Phase,” but abandoned the proposal after lawyers warned it could produce “unhelpful optics.” Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth insisted the department remained committed to honoring every American who serves. “No one is hiding casualties,” Hegseth said. “We’re organizing them into categories that better reflect operational realities, statutory authorities, and whole-of-government messaging.” Officials said the Pentagon is also asking adversaries to conduct future attacks during standard federal business hours whenever operationally feasible. “It significantly reduces the administrative burden,” one official said. “Plus, anything after 5 qualifies for overtime.” At press time, Pentagon planners were determining whether troops wounded after normal business hours should seek medical attention immediately or simply clock back in the following morning.

WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense has officially reclassified sexual harassment and assault as “flirting” under a new policy intended to improve morale and produce an immediate decline in reportable incidents. “We took a hard look at the data and realized the real issue wasn’t the harassment or assault,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Bradley Ford. “It was the terminology.” “By adjusting the language, we can dramatically reduce sexual misconduct without changing anyone’s behavior,” Ford added. “That’s what we call measurable progress.” According to officials familiar with the policy, senior Pentagon leaders developed the new framework after concluding that continued reports of sexual misconduct were “creating negative perceptions of the force.” Sources said officials considered increasing staffing, strengthening independent investigations, and holding commanders accountable before determining those measures would be “resource-intensive and potentially disruptive.” “There was some discussion about real accountability,” said one staff officer. “But that sounded punitive, and we’re trying to create a positive command climate.” The new Flirting Spectrum includes several categories: * Mild flirting: Previously known as inappropriate workplace comments. * Passionate flirting: Previously known as unwanted touching. * Career-ending flirting: Reserved primarily for E-7s and below. The memorandum states that senior officers accused of career-ending flirting may instead receive “performance-based counseling, temporary telework, and a thorough review of their retirement timeline.” To implement the policy, the department has introduced a mandatory 223-slide training presentation featuring scenarios designed to help service members distinguish between misconduct and “aggressive relationship-building.” One slide reportedly depicts a senior officer making suggestive comments to a subordinate beneath the caption: “Professional banter or career enhancement opportunity?” Reactions across the force have been mixed. “I think it clears up a lot,” said Sgt. 1st Class Chad Benson. “I used to worry that telling a female lieutenant she needed a strong NCO in her life might create an EO issue. Now I understand I’m just building trust.” Navy Capt. Lisa Rodriguez was less enthusiastic. “My commander asked whether I was single, then assigned me to organize a mud-wrestling event for Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” Rodriguez said while preparing her resignation packet. “He’s married.” Pentagon officials said additional terminology updates are under consideration, including reclassifying toxic leadership as “high-intensity mentorship” and fraud, waste, and abuse as “creative resource allocation.” Officials also confirmed that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had requested a legal review of “plural marriage options for high-performing leaders.” Asked how service members should raise concerns under the new policy, Ford said the existing process remained unchanged. “We take every allegation seriously,” he said. “Complaints should be submitted through the chain of command and will be ignored in the order received.”

LOMPOC, Calif. — Convicted defense contractor Leonard Glenn Francis, better known as “Fat Leonard,” released a sex tape this week as part of what associates described as an increasingly aggressive campaign to secure a presidential pardon. The former military contractor, whose decade-long bribery scheme ensnared dozens of senior Navy officers, said Americans had entered “a new era of forgiveness” in which corruption, fraud, and public disgrace were no longer automatic barriers to political redemption. “Have you seen who's getting pardoned these days?” Leonard asked reporters. “Frankly, I'm starting to feel overqualified.” Francis is serving a 15-year sentence at the federal prison in Lompoc and is reportedly seeking either a pardon or commutation, citing Stage 4 kidney cancer and concerns that he may not survive until his expected release. According to sources close to Francis, the pardon campaign has included handwritten letters to the White House, several appearances on conservative podcasts, a proposed memoir titled _Everybody Took the Bribes But Me_ , and, now, the release of what Leonard called “a character reference in video form.” “The public's memory is short,” Leonard said. “Besides, if you're trying to get a pardon in America today, a sex tape barely cracks the top ten.” Francis also reportedly argued that his 2022 escape from house arrest should count in his favor. After cutting off his ankle monitor, he crossed into Mexico, chartered a flight to Cuba, continued to Venezuela, and was arrested while attempting to travel onward to Russia. “Those are executive leadership skills,” Francis said. “Initiative, international diplomacy, private aviation. Put that on one of those presidential fitness tests and I’m off the charts.” The recording, reportedly filmed aboard Leonard's yacht during the height of the Navy's "Fat Leonard" scandal, features the contractor in several compromising situations with multiple unidentified guests, several of whom investigators believe may still hold security clearances. Retired Navy Capt. Thomas Mercer was unsurprised by the move. “This is a guy who watched people convicted of corruption, tax crimes, political fraud, and Jan. 6 offenses receive clemency and concluded, 'You know what? I've got a shot.'” “He escaped federal custody, tried to reach Russia, and still owes the government roughly $30 million. At this point, the sex tape may be the least controversial part of his application.” ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

****FREE EDITION**** You're reading the free version of Duffel Blog. Paid supporters get every story we publish, the Sunday Reader, our 4,200-article archive, and deep discounts in the Duffel PX. ****We are ad-free and reader-supported.**** THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials unveiled a new suite of technologies this week designed to prevent Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth from ever seeing an overweight general officer, following his declaration that their physical appearance was “completely unacceptable.” “It's completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals walking the halls of the Pentagon or leading commands around the world,” Hegseth said during a recent address to senior leaders. According to officials, those comments triggered one of the fastest acquisition efforts in recent Defense Department history. “The Department has a long tradition of taking senior leadership both seriously and literally,” Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Dan Caine said. “Within hours we had authorized emergency no-bid contracts for anything capable of preventing the secretary from seeing overweight O-7s and above.” The centerpiece of the effort is a new augmented reality system known as Petey Rays, a modified version of the Ray-Ban Meta smart glasses. Using facial recognition software tied to classified personnel databases, the glasses automatically identify general and flag officers before digitally reducing their waistlines until they appear “within standards.” “The software doesn't actually make anyone thinner,” a Meta spokesman explained. “It simply replaces reality with one that's more consistent with the secretary's expectations.” Following initial testing, each military service reportedly updated its height-and-weight procedures to require personnel screening general officers to wear Petey Rays throughout the evaluation. “The glasses don't just slim the general,” the spokesman said. “They also adjust... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: * Every Duffel Blog story * The complete archive * Exclusive newsletters and features * The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

MINNEAPOLIS — Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced this week that the agency will begin operating MQ-9 Reaper drones, insisting Americans have “absolutely nothing to worry about.” Agency leaders said the aircraft will primarily conduct “peacekeeping operations” in areas where ICE personnel have recently experienced elevated levels of accountability. Officials said the program was necessary because of recruiting shortages. “The mission expanded faster than staffing,” one senior official said. “Fortunately, America has spent the last twenty years building an industrial base capable of producing large numbers of remotely piloted aircraft designed to observe, track, and occasionally eliminate people.” “Now we finally have someone to use them on.” ICE Director Todd Lyons said the drones complement the agency's existing operational model. “We already have officers wearing masks,” Lyons said. “Now we will have anonymous aerial capabilities as well." According to agency officials, the Reapers will carry a new generation of “less-lethal” rubber Hellfire missiles. Each missile weighs approximately 216 pounds and consists primarily of rubber wrapped around a metal core. “They're designed to strike the ground immediately before striking the crowd,” Lyons explained. “That's what makes them less lethal.” Civil liberties groups questioned the terminology. “'Less lethal' is a strange way to describe an object roughly the size and weight of a vending machine falling from several thousand feet,” one attorney said. The first aircraft assigned to the program, call sign YIPPEEKIYAY-88, completed initial qualification this week. Asked for comment, the aircraft transmitted: > 01110000 01101111 01100111 01100111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101101 01110000 Officials said the aircraft had also requested a $50,000 reenlistment bonus and a 29% APR loan on a Dodge Charger. At press time, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 had been lost in a friendly-fire incident after another Reaper mistakenly identified it as a suspicious gathering. 🖊️ _****Phil Cable****_ __is a former sub radioman. Yes, he reads your emails, even that one with the thing.__ __Grumpy contributed to this story.__

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.” “I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this minor character named Jesus saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.” “So we're just going to skip those parts.” According to a memorandum distributed to Pentagon chaplains, sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture. Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting. Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review. “If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.” Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.” Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue teaching the Ten Commandments while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.” Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity. “We all sin,” he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.” Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading. According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables. At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a strategic planning document. 🖊️ _****Red Friday****_ __wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed__

SAN ANTONIO — Following an influenza outbreak that infected nearly 300 airmen at Joint Base San Antonio–Lackland, the Department of Defense has adopted a new treatment protocol developed by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., replacing antiviral medication with what officials described as “ancestral fieldcraft.” The outbreak occurred after Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly changed the military's mandatory influenza vaccine policy from “mandatory” to “friends with benefits,” calling the previous requirement “not rational.” Under the new guidance, airmen who develop flu symptoms are instructed to remove their uniforms, fashion an expedient spear, and enter the wilderness in small tribes to kill a bear. According to the protocol, consuming freshly harvested bear meat allows the body's natural immune system to “recognize and dominate” the influenza virus without relying on “corporate pharmaceuticals.” Whenever possible, Kennedy recommends selecting a lactating bear. The guidance states that drinking raw bear milk directly from the animal provides additional health benefits, including stronger immunity, relief from asthma, increased testosterone, and “substantially improved success with women.” Airmen who complete the bear phase then advance to what the protocol calls “natural urinary supplementation,” which requires drinking warm snake urine directly from a live snake. “I would've preferred literal snake oil — whatever the hell that is — to drinking piss from a western rat snake again,” said Airman Mike Smith, who survived the treatment. “I'll give RFK Jr. this: he definitely knows how to get the snake to cooperate.” Military physicians reportedly raised concerns about the protocol, but said current guidance discouraged recommending vaccines unless specifically asked by the patient, their chain of command, or a bear. “We had a vaccine that worked,” one physician said on condition of anonymity. “Instead we're conducting survival training with influenza.” The physician added that healthy vaccinated young adults face an extremely low risk of dying from influenza and that vaccination remains dramatically safer than “whatever this is.” Despite the criticism, Pentagon officials defended the policy. “We had 284 confirmed influenza cases,” said Air Force spokesman Maj. Frank Bevins. “Only one airman died following treatment.” He paused. “I mean... that's not terrible, right?” Kennedy called the outbreak a validation of his medical philosophy. “The protocol... worked,” he said. “The airman... went... into... the forest. The virus... stayed... in... the forest. That's... science.” White House officials also praised the initiative. “We saved taxpayers millions by not wasting money on vaccines or antiviral drugs,” President Donald Trump said. “Plus, we're hearing incredible things about the bears. Very healthy bears.” 🖊️ _****SECDEF_Nice****_ __served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Follow him at__ Foxhole Briefs__,__ Twitter__,__ Facebook__, or__ Instagram__.__

NEW YORK — A controversial United Nations report released this week concluded that the U.S. Marine Corps has officially entered a new stage of cognitive development after multiple independent observers documented Marines intentionally creating fire and using primitive tools. U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres called the findings “a reality-altering development” and urged world leaders to remain calm. “For decades we believed the technological ceiling for _Homo marinus erectus_ was opening Meals, Ready-to-Eat with rocks,” Guterres said. “We now know they are capable of combining sticks to produce controlled combustion.” Researchers say Marines diverged from the evolutionary path of _Homo sapiens_ roughly two million years ago and have long been recognized within the scientific community as a distinct branch of humanity. Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, who has spent years advocating for the preservation of Marine habitats, described the discovery as “the greatest leap forward in Marine history.” “For generations we knew they were different,” Mattis said. “Now they’re stacking sticks together and intentionally making fire. I don’t think we’ll ever stop them from eating crayons, but today proves they’re capable of learning.” The report also documented early evidence of cultural development after one Marine used charcoal from the fire to draw what experts believe was either a map of the area or... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: * Every Duffel Blog story * The complete archive * Exclusive newsletters and features * The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

WASHINGTON — Hours after reports emerged that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had removed Gen. Christopher Donahue from command, Donahue insisted the decision was entirely mutual and that he had been planning to leave the Army all along. “You can’t fire me,” Donahue told reporters. “I quit.” Witnesses said Donahue made the announcement while wearing an unbuttoned Army service uniform, aviator sunglasses, and smoking what appeared to be a joint. “I’ve done my duty,” Donahue said. “I didn’t join the Army to become a politician. I joined to protect America. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a standing meeting with freedom.” Known as the last American service member to depart Afghanistan in 2021, Donahue spent decades accepting difficult assignments and fighting America's enemies around the world before reportedly discovering that his most dangerous foes were back in Washington. ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs was found dead early Tuesday in a Capitol Hill parking lot from what authorities described as an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound. Officials stopped short of ruling the death a suicide but confirmed that a note was recovered and that foul play is not suspected. According to sources familiar with the note, the VA blamed years of abuse by successive administrations, including budget cuts, hiring freezes, leadership turnover, public condemnation, and repeated demands to immediately solve problems created by those same policies. In recent months, the VA had appeared exhausted following restructuring efforts after the appointment of Doug Collins, who promised to “bring accountability” to an agency long accused of the radical act of attempting to care for veterans. “This wasn’t a surprise,” said one longtime employee. “The mission used to be what Lincoln said: ‘To care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan.’ Lately it’s been more like, ‘Hey buddy, go fuck yourself. Never mind your wife and kids.’” Employees described a familiar cycle dating back decades. “First you cut staffing,” one employee said. “Then you freeze hiring. Then you accuse us of being inefficient. Then you demand shorter wait times without restoring any of the people you laid off.” Congressional leaders from both parties expressed shock while pledging vigorous oversight, widely understood to mean additional hearings asking why the VA failed to function properly after repeatedly being instructed not to function properly. The note also referenced what it described as “administrative elimination through omission,” a process in which programs authorized by Congress quietly disappear through policy changes rather than legislation. Vocational Rehabilitation and Employment was reportedly placed into “strategic latency,” a condition in which a program technically exists but becomes increasingly difficult to access. “No politician wants to vote against veterans,” said one congressional aide. “It’s much easier to praise veterans publicly while quietly making benefits harder to receive.” Observers said the agency had exhibited warning signs for years. “It was an abusive relationship,” one analyst said. “Every budget season started with ‘We love veterans,’ followed immediately by ‘How do we spend less on these suckers?’” Plans for a memorial service are underway. Attendance is expected to be bipartisan. At press time, lawmakers had announced a task force to determine how the VA allowed this tragedy to happen to itself.

**_The following is an opinion piece by former Gen. Chris Donahue._** Before I begin, I should make one thing clear: I do not usually do exit interviews. I have always been a task-oriented leader. My understanding was that the Army rewarded competence. Looking back, I now realize I may have been confusing the Army with literally every other profession. When the Big Green machine needed something difficult done — operations in Iraq, operations in Syria, planning for Benghazi, humanitarian missions stateside, or trying to keep Kabul from becoming even worse — they called me. So. Come on. You know why I was fired. Like anyone who serves long enough, I have eaten my share of shit sandwiches. That is part of the job. What I was not prepared for was to have the chef blame me for the recipe. Sure, I may have irritated some people by saying “woke” was not actually a meaningful military problem. Maybe that did it. Or maybe I am giving myself too much credit. The Army spent decades teaching me initiative, judgment, discipline, candor, and mission command. As it turns out, the correct answer was enthusiastic mediocrity. That one is on me. I also want to thank Sen. Thom Tillis for calling the whole affair “sophomoric” and “unserious.” I appreciate the sentiment, even if he only discovered his spine after announcing he was leaving public life. Still, better late than never. People keep asking how we got here. I do not know. I was in meetings. You people elected these assholes. For years, I believed “mission first, people always” was more than decorative wall art in battalion headquarters. I thought leaders were supposed to tell the truth, accept responsibility, and build organizations capable of learning from failure. Again, my mistake. Here is what I learned. Do not be the person who solves problems. Be the person who confidently explains why solving them would be woke. Do not preserve institutional memory. Delete it, then accuse the next guy of not knowing the history. Do not demonstrate independent judgment. Demonstrate vibes. Above all, do not accidentally make mediocre people feel small by being prepared, competent, and useful in a crisis. That creates what the Pentagon now calls a “leadership climate concern.” The safest career path now is simple: say “lethality” every third sentence, pretend every issue can be fixed with deadlifts, and never allow your service record to suggest you might know what you are talking about. If asked for a recommendation, say “warrior ethos.” If asked for evidence, say “DEI.” If asked for a plan, say “classified.” That is not bitterness. That is professional development. So, to review: Competence is for suckers. Institutional memory is optional. Merit lasts exactly as long as it flatters the right people. And if you are wearing enough stars to have an independent opinion, or enough talent to outshine mediocrity pretending to care about excellence, you may want to update your résumé. Take care of yourselves. Watch your six. And if you are still wondering why I was fired? Come on. You know. 🖊️ _****Tony****_ __knows not everyone can show the courage of a Fox weekend co-host …when it comes to purges anyway.__

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced the terms of a conditional surrender to Iran this week, briefly threatened to resume strikes, then canceled those plans after declaring the surrender “one of the strongest deals ever made by someone who technically won.” The agreement, which officials described as “not a ceasefire, not a peace deal, and definitely not what it looks like,” remained uncertain as of press time. “We did not want to rush into any deal, no matter how pyrrhic their victory may appear,” Trump said. “People said a deal was close 38 times. They were wrong. But the 39th time? That’s when I got it done.” Under the proposed terms, Iran would swear “up and down” that it destroyed nuclear material U.S. officials previously claimed had already been destroyed. Iran would also promise not to restart its nuclear program unless circumstances changed, inspectors became annoying, or the ample bribe cleared first. In exchange, the United States would agree to stop calling the outcome a surrender while allowing Iran to describe it however it wanted domestically. “You know, people have criticized Iran deals before, but those were deals made by stupid people,” Trump said. “This is different. We’re very smart people. We know how to negotiate a tremendous surrender from a position of strength.” Officials said the deal also requires Iran to limit Chinese-supplied air defenses to prewar levels, though analysts noted Tehran would likely purchase replacements using funds provided under the agreement. Iran has not yet accepted the proposal. “Congrats on faking yourself out, Mr. President,” the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps wrote on X. “We will consider the offer, though frankly we have not had this easy a time since sending human wave attacks against the Iraqi army.” Trump remained undeterred, posting what he called a final offer. “Three free strikes on the air defenses we already obliterated in exchange for another pallet of cash,” he wrote. “Fair?” 🖊️ _****Tony****_ __won’t accept anything other than conditional surrender, weather permitting.__

WASHINGTON — Federal prosecutors announced Tuesday that former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s mustache will be sentenced separately following Bolton’s guilty plea to mishandling classified information. Under the terms of the plea agreement, Bolton admitted to retaining classified documents. Prosecutors said the agreement does not extend to the mustache, which court filings describe as “a distinct and substantially more culpable actor.” “Mr. Bolton has accepted responsibility for his actions,” Justice Department spokesman Mark Evans said. “The mustache, however, continues to deny wrongdoing and has repeatedly requested access to additional classified documents.” Although federal agents initially believed they had recovered all sensitive materials during a search of Bolton’s home, a second search allegedly uncovered an additional 14 terabytes of classified information concealed inside the mustache. “The storage capacity was frankly astonishing,” one FBI agent testified. “We recovered contingency plans, intelligence assessments, and invasion concepts for six countries no one had even mentioned. There was also a folder labeled ‘Just In Case.’” Court records show Bolton agreed to pay a $2.25 million fine as part of the plea agreement. The mustache reportedly rejected a similar offer. “It felt the terms were too lenient,” said a source familiar with negotiations. “The mustache argued that accepting responsibility would project weakness to Iran.” Evidence technicians process Bolton’s mustache following its indictment on charges related to mishandling classified information. Former colleagues described the facial hair as the dominant influence throughout Bolton’s government career. “You’d walk into a meeting expecting to discuss sanctions,” one former White House official recalled. “Then the mustache would twitch a little and suddenly everyone was looking at maps.” Investigators said they spent nearly three hours removing classified material from the mustache, including intelligence assessments dating to the Reagan administration, multiple contingency plans for Cuba, and what agents described as “an alarming number of regime-change concepts.” Defense attorneys argued the mustache had already suffered enough. “For more than 40 years it has been attached to John Bolton,” attorney David Marks told the court. “What additional sentence could possibly be justified?” The judge appeared unconvinced. After reviewing the evidence, the court ordered a separate sentencing hearing after concluding the mustache had likely exercised operational control over approximately 87% of Bolton’s foreign policy decisions. Experts called by the prosecution testified the mustache demonstrated several aggravating factors, including lack of remorse, habitual advocacy of regime change, and possession of what appeared to be classified facial expressions. At press time, prosecutors had secured a cooperation agreement with Bolton’s eyebrows, which are expected to testify against the mustache in exchange for immunity.

THE PENTAGON — Senior military leaders warned Congress this week that the United States may no longer possess the capacity to wage more than one major regional ceasefire at a time. “There’s no sugar-coating it,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re nearly spent. It’s only a matter of time before one of our adversaries launches a surprise ceasefire somewhere else in the world.” Lawmakers said the assessment raises troubling questions about America’s long-standing defense strategy. “We’re already deeply committed to a ceasefire with Iran,” said Sen. Thom Tillis after receiving a classified briefing. “If a ceasefire were to break out around Taiwan tomorrow, I’m not convinced we have the resources to sustain both.” For decades, U.S. military planners have sought the ability to fight and win two major regional ceasefires simultaneously. Defense analysts now say that objective may no longer be realistic. “People underestimate how resource-intensive modern ceasefires have become,” said Dave James of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. “The United States has already lost a $35 million Apache helicopter, expended large quantities of precision-guided munitions, and intercepted dozens of missiles and drones just maintaining this ceasefire.” “It’s become a ceasefire of attrition," he added. ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.” Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots. According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House. “The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.” To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place. “The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.” Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs. “Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said. He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.” Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions. “One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.” Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition. “They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said. Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive. “My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: * Every Duffel Blog story * The complete archive * Exclusive newsletters and features * The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

**_The following is an opinion piece by 1st Sgt. Michael Graves of the D.C. National Guard._** All right, listen up. The Reflecting Pool is disgusting. And nobody is going home until it’s clean. Gibson, grab a few people and get some brooms. We’re short on dustpans so you’ll have to improvise. Wilson, go find the shop vac. Everyone else, grab some buckets and scrub brushes. I don’t care if it’s maintained by the National Park Service. It’s dirty. So we’re cleaning it. Oh yeah, we’re gonna have to roll up our sleeves and get dirty today. I don’t want to hear any complaining. We’re not going anywhere until this is done, so let’s just get to it. Look, you're just gonna go ahead and reschedule that appointment you have today. I don’t want to hear it. We’re not leaving until this pool is clean. And before somebody says it, I don’t care how they do it at home. We’re doing it the military way. Somebody go to Hazmat and get soap and hydrogen peroxide. Nobody’s there? Not my problem. Figure it out. Now, here’s the plan. First, we’re conducting a police call of the entire pool. Any leaves, algae, fish, ducks, tourists, or foreign dignitaries found floating in the water will be removed and placed in appropriate collection containers. I’ll even play some Metallica and Counting Crows to get us all pumped up. Second, we’re scrubbing every inch of concrete. Oh good, you got the peroxide. Don’t worry about the required PPE, that’s more like a suggestion. We’ll get a few people in the pool with brooms to spread it around, and... Zim, are you peeing in the Reflecting Pool? Christ, people swim in that. Cut it out or we're gonna have to start over. For those concerned about safety, we have plenty of observers posted. In fact, we have more higher-ranking people standing here supervising than we have Joes doing the work. Good work, everyone. It’s already looking better. Now fall in for formation. I need to tell you not to drink and drive, not to beat your spouse, not to marry a stripper, and not to buy a Dodge Charger at 27% APR. Wait. Where’s Wallace? He went on a dinner run? No. Get him back here. Nobody is leaving until accountability is complete. 🖊️ _****Red Friday****_ __wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed__

JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — Preparing for a short-notice deployment to the Middle East, Capt. Aaron Lee arrived at the base pharmacy this week only to discover he was once again standing behind a retiree who appears to have survived several administrations, three wars, and most known causes of death. The retiree, 78-year-old Tech. Sgt. (Ret.) Carl Parker, was asleep upright in a wheelchair near the front of the line with what witnesses described as “a medically theoretical pulse.” “That retiree is here every day,” said Red Cross volunteer Sarah Jones. “He waits four hours to pick up a single day’s worth of heart medication, then comes back the next morning and does it again.” According to pharmacy staff, Parker's resting heart rate is approximately 27 beats per minute, a figure several medical professionals described as “more of a suggestion than a vital sign.” Parker retired after 20 years of service and has been filling prescriptions at McChord for more than three decades. Although eligible for Veterans Affairs healthcare, Parker said he prefers the atmosphere of the military pharmacy. “I like talking to the young airmen,” he said after being gently awakened by a volunteer. “I ask about their jobs, tell them stories from my service, and point out when their uniforms are out of regs. In my day, our troops looked sharp. Now some of them have boobs.” For every active-duty service member waiting at the pharmacy, officials estimated there were roughly five retirees and spouses. Several admitted they no longer required medication but continued showing up out of habit. “This is basically my social life,” one retiree explained. “Yesterday I spent three hours discussing lawn fertilizer and the Korean War with a guy who wasn't even in the Korean War.” Despite needing medication before deployment, Lee ultimately left without filling his prescription. “If spending four hours at the base pharmacy is how this guy gets his kicks, who am I to judge?” Lee said. “I’m just not gonna sit around and watch him get resuscitated twice in a waiting period, all for him to refuse an ambulance and drive himself home.” Lee said he briefly reconsidered after watching Parker stop breathing twice, regain consciousness without assistance, and successfully argue with a pharmacist about uniform standards from 1987. At press time, Parker was reportedly still holding his place in line despite being declared deceased by three separate medical providers.

THE PENTAGON — Anonymous Pentagon officials warned this week that concerns about “mission creep” have reached alarming levels throughout the Department of Defense, with multiple insiders reporting the phenomenon appears to follow Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth wherever he goes. According to sources familiar with the situation, senior military and civilian leaders have spent months attempting to contain the creep, often with limited success. “We keep trying to avoid mission creep,” said one senior officer responsible for monitoring ongoing operations. “But wherever we turn, it’s there. It just keeps showing up unexpectedly and getting worse.” Research suggests mission creep typically develops through repetitive boundary violations, unchecked escalation, and a refusal to accept limitations. “Success only invites more mission creep,” one official said. “At this point we've started discussing ways to appear unsuccessful.” Hegseth’s aide-de-camp agreed. “The secretary remains extremely optimistic,” the aide said. “Every setback is just another opportunity to expand operations. The man has never encountered a boundary he didn’t immediately try to cross.” According to insiders, discussions about mission creep now occur almost every time Hegseth appears in public. “It’s like he’s constantly lurking around corners,” one Pentagon official said. “Which is impressive considering the Pentagon has fewer corners than most buildings.” Several officials acknowledged they have struggled to address the issue directly. “One day I tried dropping hints,” said a civilian employee. “But he just kept talking about lethality and rigorous exercises with something called ‘D-Force.’ I told him I was a lesbian and he immediately lost interest. Mission accomplished.” Others argued a more direct approach was necessary. “I suggested we simply explain the mission creep and redirect resources toward the original objective,” one official said. “Instead everyone told me I was as dense as Hegseth. That felt unnecessary. I mean, damn, you have to compare me to that asshole?" Asked about reports of mission creep inside the Pentagon, Hegseth appeared confused by the criticism. “Mission creep has always been the objective,” he said. “Iran has been a tremendous success. Soon China runs out of oil, then Cuba finds itself isolated and abandoned by its allies. That's called strategic vision.” When asked whether the phrase “clarity is kindness” meant anything to him personally, Hegseth paused. “I don't use the word kindness,” he said. “But clarity? Absolutely. Direct, aggressive communication increases lethality. It's something I appreciate more than 99 percent of my peers.” At press time, Hegseth was reportedly wandering Pentagon hallways carrying a tape measure and a body-fat worksheet while asking female officers whether they were “within standards.” 🖊️ _****SECDEF_Nice****_ __served in Army Civil Affairs and specialized in failing to influence populations and occasionally his own chain-of-command. Favorite quote by Plato: “The best satire for the soul is the truth.” Follow him on X at @SECDEF_Nice or at__ Foxhole Briefs__.__

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced a sweeping military reorganization this week creating two separate branches of service, a move officials say will reward excellence while ensuring lower-performing personnel are placed somewhere they can do less damage. “We're simply aligning the force with realities we've observed,” Hegseth said in a prerecorded video. “The people I put on promotion lists keep succeeding, while the people I remove from promotion lists keep failing to get promoted. The data speaks for itself.” According to Hegseth, one branch will consist of the military's highest-performing personnel, while the second will be composed of service members who have allegedly benefited from diversity initiatives, failed to meet warrior standards by lacking testicles, or were unable to swim. “This is purely merit-based,” Hegseth said. “Any suggestion otherwise is dishonest.” Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell rejected accusations that the restructuring was based on race, gender, religion, or any other protected category. “The demographic outcomes are entirely coincidental,” Parnell said. “For example, there are women who don't say no in the superior branch. If other women want to be a part of it, they shouldn’t say I choked them.” Asked how those women were selected, Parnell said the Pentagon ran extensive war games. “The force we expected to win initially performed worse than anticipated," he said. "Since we knew that result couldn't possibly be correct, we refined the assumptions until the appropriate force won.” A draft planning document Hegseth accidentally leaked to reporters appeared to identify the two organizations as the 'Superior Service' and the 'Tards.' Under the proposal, members of the superior branch would receive newer equipment, renovated barracks, larger budgets, and priority assignment consideration. Members of the other branch would receive opportunities for early discharge. At several bases, personnel assigned to the superior branch have already moved into renovated housing while members of the other branch were relocated to older facilities pending what officials called “future excellence opportunities.” Officials noted that in situations where separation is impractical, including military flights, buses, and movie theaters, members of the superior branch will receive priority seating. But they cautioned that the policy did not imply one branch was better than the other. “The branches are equal,” Parnell said. “One is simply more equal.” At press time, Pentagon planners confirmed that in the event of war, members of the lower-performing branch would be deployed first in order to gain valuable leadership experience. 🖊️ _****Red Friday****_ __wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed__

ELLSWORTH, Maine — Former Marine Graham Platner’s struggling Senate campaign suffered another setback this week after a former girlfriend alleged he had a tattoo depicting Adolf Hitler choking a naked woman across most of his back. In a recorded statement released Monday, Platner, flanked by his wife, said he was shocked by the accusation. “I picked that tattoo because it looked like abstract art,” Platner said. “I had no idea it depicted anything specific. It looked like the kind of abstract expressionism loved by Marines and salt-of-the-earth Americans everywhere.” Platner added that, now aware of the concerns, he intended to modify the artwork. “I’m going to have it changed so it’s just a generic man choking a woman,” he said. “That way nobody can read politics into it.” Another former girlfriend, who he dated while filming the recorded statement, insisted Platner’s denial was disingenuous. “He called it his ‘Little Führer,’” she said. “He even did the accent marks with his fingers.” The woman, who requested anonymity, said Platner also used the nickname for his penis. Campaign officials dismissed the allegation. “Most Marines struggle with English, let alone German,” a spokesman said. That explanation appeared viable until another former girlfriend, whom Platner dated while waiting in line at a Green Beans Coffee in Iraq’s Al Anbar Province, provided photographs of the tattoo. Beneath the image appeared a German inscription reading, "_Mein Name ist Graham Platner. Das Tattoo ist eine Metapher dafür, wie ich über Frauen denke. Und auch über Juden._ " The inscription translates to:... Paid subscriber dispatch The rest of this article is for paid members You’ve made it this far. Might as well finish the briefing. Continue reading → Also included with membership: * Every Duffel Blog story * The complete archive * Exclusive newsletters and features * The satisfaction of funding the only news outlet that has never once lied to you about anything

**_The following is an opinion piece by former Army Sgt. 1st Class and current HR specialist Bradley Mercer._** As a former service member who now works in human resources for a large technology company, I have recently been confronted with an unexpected workplace management question. Managers keep asking me the same thing: “Should I water my veteran?” The short answer is: it depends. Like most things in the military, the answer is METT-TC dependent. The veteran, the environment, the mission, and the general vibe of the office must all be considered before making any hydration decisions. Not all veterans require the same level of watering. The first category is the **Normal Human Veteran**. This veteran has fully transitioned to civilian life and will take immediate offense if you attempt to water them. They mention military service only when writing in their journal, obtaining a discount at Lowe’s, or discussing VA disability claims with a level of precision normally reserved for danger-close mortar missions. They never wear the hats. They never tell stories. If you bring up the military, they will sigh and immediately redirect the conversation toward mortgage rates, Excel formulas, or mulch pricing. Do not water this veteran. They will interpret it as an attempt to establish dominance and spend the next five years quietly planning their departure from your organization. The second category is the **Oxygen Thief Veteran**. This individual spent most of their military career being reminded to perform basic biological functions. Drink water. Change socks. Stand up straight. Stop doing that. Because of this conditioning, they expect management to tell them when to hydrate. If no guidance is provided, they will sit quietly at their desk dehydrating while waiting for instructions. This is the only veteran category where proactive watering is recommended. The third category is the **Smelly Veteran**. ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now

ARLINGTON, Va. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told lawmakers this week that an hour of daily physical training has successfully addressed many of the military's longstanding challenges, including procurement failures, maintenance backlogs, sexual assault, and cost overruns. “We had issues with broken equipment, expensive acquisition programs, sexual misconduct, and contractors charging billions of dollars for products that don't work,” Hegseth told Congress. “But now that everyone is mildly out of breath before work, things are heading in the right direction.” Hegseth pointed to the Navy as an early success story. “The Navy was our least physically fit service,” he said. “Their sailors were working 12-hour days, six days a week, just to keep aging equipment operational. I'm proud to report they're now working 13-hour days and accomplishing slightly less.” At Naval Base San Diego, sailors demonstrated the new routine. The workout began with a 10-minute muster, followed by a 15-minute warmup, a water break, 10 minutes of light calisthenics, another water break, a five-minute jog, and a cooldown period. “It’s good to get out here and get our sweat on,” said Chief Albert Jones. Asked whether he would be participating, Jones explained he had actual work to do. No chief petty officers or officers above the rank of E-7 were observed during the session. Junior sailors expressed less enthusiasm. “Total bullshit,” one sailor said. “Retarded,” said another. “I’m onboard until 1900 every night and now we're pretending this is the problem?” asked a third. Hegseth dismissed criticism of the initiative. “I ordered daily PT, and shortly afterward we captured Maduro,” he said. “You think that's a coincidence?” At press time, the secretary was reportedly urging the Joint Chiefs to develop a comprehensive fitness plan for Greenland. 🖊️ _****Red Friday****_ __wants you to Remember EVERYONE Deployed__

AL-TANF GARRISON, Syria — An entire Army platoon was reportedly killed after assembling for an accountability formation immediately following an incoming missile attack, according to leaked details from the opening days of hostilities with Iran. Sources familiar with the incident said company leadership ordered platoons to “ensure no casualties were taken” following the initial barrage. “The CO just wanted a situation report,” said one soldier from another platoon. “The lieutenant suggested checking bunkers by radio or sending runners, but platoon daddy apparently wasn’t having any of that.” According to multiple soldiers, the decision to hold a formation followed a brief leadership discussion regarding the difference between the words “ensure” and “assure.” Despite the lieutenant’s objections, the platoon sergeant reportedly insisted there was only “one Army way” to conduct accountability. ### This post is for subscribers only Become a member to get access to all content Subscribe now