WASHINGTON—In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that...

VATICAN CITY—As he called on the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics to pray for the bonds restraining the messiah to hold fast, Pope Francis warned Tuesday that the seals on Jesus’ tomb were weakening and Christ could escape at any moment. “Citizens of the world, brace yourselves, for soon the Risen Lord will roam the earth anew, unleashing death and destruction on everything in His path,” said the pontiff, adding that the Vatican had worked for centuries to keep Jesus safely bound and locked away in His crypt, but Church teachings had long foretold He would one day come again to visit His murderous wrath upon the children of God. “The death toll could be in the millions. Once Jesus has broken free, no mortal force can contain Him, and He will not rest until His ravenous blood lust has been sated. As we speak, our most powerful cardinals are in the catacombs blessing the seals with all their might, but we don’t know how long they can hold Him back. The King of Kings has finally been roused from His ancient slumber and is ready to feed.” At press time, Pope Francis was reportedly yelling for everyone to save themselves after Jesus had burst forth from His tomb and devoured a group of Swiss Guards that was futilely stabbing Him with their pikes.

WASHINGTON—In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday making the nation’s official language remedial Eng...

TOLEDO, OH—Bending down to hug her in her wheelchair before quickly saying their goodbyes, members of the Schueller family reportedly cut their nursing home visit short Thursday so that their grandmother, Anna Schueller, could get back to her excruciating loneliness. “Well, we probably should be going, because we don’t want to keep Nana from sitting in crushingly painful solitude any longer than we already have,” said grandson Andrew Schueller, adding that, while he’d love to stay longer, he knows this is the time his grandmother usually spends motionless in her chair looking at nothing in particular, overwhelmed by the loss of connection she once felt with other human beings and the world in general. “Plus, I think we’ve tired her out enough already, so we should really let her get to bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of all that she’s lost. Especially because she’s got a long day devoid of any human warmth tomorrow.” The Schullers added that they’ll definitely be back to visit their grandmother on a day when she doesn’t already have plans to sit blankly in front of the television and silently contemplate whether her ongoing private agony is any better or worse than being dead.