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Julia Scotti

@juliascotti1.bsky.social
1.6K followers 108 following 344 posts

Nationally headlining comedian. AGT quarter-finalist, featured on Showtime's "More Funny Women of a Certain Age" Dry Bar special, "Jersey Fresh"

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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 11/05/2026
Well, it's finally happened. I don't know if it's old age or a brain issue, but I was watching a British sitcom last night and had to put on closed captioning because I couldn't process what they were saying.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 06/05/2026
Tickets available at avenelarts.com
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 25/04/2026
The night we landed at Normandy Beach. By Julia Scotti. open.substack.com/pub/julia709...
open.substack.com
The night we landed at Normandy Beach. By Julia Scotti.
I hate that I have to start this little tale by saying that it was a dark and stormy night but…it really was.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 17/04/2026
Thinking of Mel Brooks today for some reason. Hope he’s feeling well.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 13/04/2026
The last time I cheered for a Pope was when he made eating hot dogs on Friday okay.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 11/04/2026
Diner breakfasts with friends are always the best meals of the day.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 11/04/2026
Plans to build a moon settlement have been updated from earlier ones. They took out the Blockbuster Video Store.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 09/04/2026
June 6th, Avenel NJ!
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 08/04/2026
Congress. You have 2 weeks to get your asses back to DC and impeach, convict and lock him up. #Doyourjob
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 07/04/2026
There's still time to Article 25 him.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 07/04/2026
Hoping TACO lives up to his reputation again tonight.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 30/03/2026
I jumped off a curb today. I love parkour.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 29/03/2026
8 million people out yesterday for the love of liberty and democracy. Not one riot. No tear gas was used. No police were injured, and the Capitol wasn't stormed and looted. But we made our point. November is coming whether they want it or not.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 28/03/2026
You did good today, America!❤️
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 18/03/2026
Someone said to me that they'd like to see the ocean from "the other side," and I replied, "you'll drown down there."
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 11/03/2026
Hey did anybody get their $2,000 back from Boo Boo yet? Just checking.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 06/03/2026
This morning, I'm smiling knowing that when Kristi "Sure Shot" Noem woke up, it was with the stark and desperate realization that all she had left to look forward to was Corey Lewandowski
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 05/03/2026
This is one of those days when I realize how little I've evolved as a member of my species. I just spent 15 minutes trying to pick up a pencil with my toes.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 01/03/2026
March didn't come in as a lion or a lamb. It just sort of stood here looking confused.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 27/02/2026
Today I'm celebrating an unsung hero. Nicolas Appert, who invented a way to can fish in 1810. Without him, we'd be carrying loose tuna salad to work in our pants pockets. I salute you, Mr. Appert. #themoreyouknow
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 26/02/2026
If I call a business and someone answers the phone, their chances of me hiring them go up by about 80%. If they are polite, add another 10% If they do a good job, they get another 9% I left off 1%, because I'm not happy unless I can bitch about something.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 25/02/2026
I made it through almost an hour of last night’s episode of “The Fool on the Hill.”
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
On the tariff refund. Cut me a check for $638,592. 45 and we’ll be square.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 22/02/2026
In anticipation of Snowmageddon, officials have announce they are dispersing 1 carrot, 2 twigs and 12 rocks for emergency snowman building, effective immediately. #TheMoreYouSnow
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 21/02/2026
Whenever the mail delivery person drives away from my house, my abandonment issues all rise to the surface. It's worse on Sunday,
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 21/02/2026
I've questioned the existence of supreme beings with the exception of Diana Ross, Florence Ballard, and Mary Wilson.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 19/02/2026
For those of you who find diversity in our society disturbing, consider this... There's at least a 147 different ways to make baba ganoush. So put that in your Pita and eat it.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 14/02/2026
Say "I love you" on Valentine's day and then get drunk a month later on St. Patrick's day when you realize that person is bat shit crazy and you made a terrible mistake.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 14/02/2026
Where does the Grade “B” Butter Go?
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 14/02/2026
It's Valentine's Day! When I set up a lawn chair in the Supermarket and watch the men scramble to get the last of the flowers, chocolate and greeting cards.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 09/02/2026
In all honesty, even if the halftime show HAD been in English, he still wouldn’t have understood it.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 09/02/2026
I heard he was pissed about the halftime show. 5 ketchup bottle night. Well done, Bad Bunny.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 07/02/2026
Thanks to Jeff Bezos for his courage in firing all that extra weight at the Washington Post. Without all those nosy reporters, we won't have to worry about Democracy Dying in Darkness. You have inspired me, Jeff, to become a cost cutting machine. So five minutes ago, I canceled my Prime account.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 07/02/2026
Wow, is it windy out there. I just saw Margaret Hamilton's tombstone go flying by.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 05/02/2026
Early in my career, I've been on shows so painful that I'd wished my DNR had kicked in.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 05/02/2026
Proud to say that I haven’t missed missing a Super Bowl in 59 years. Hoping to keep my record intact this Sunday.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 03/02/2026
Pam Bondi. AKA Lord of the Files.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 30/01/2026
Watching the courageous protesters in Minneapolis. At first, I thought they were film students who had just seen a screening of “Melania.”
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 23/01/2026
I hope this storm isn’t described as a “once in a century storm.” We’ve had like three so far this century already.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 20/01/2026
The inauguration was 1 year ago today. Thus began our endless supply of Last straws.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 13/01/2026
So there’s a new show called “Suddenly Amish,” Where people have become Amish. And yet I’m not allowed to be transgender. You people have issues, you know that?
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 12/01/2026
I think Friday is the last day we can gracefully wish someone a Happy New Year without feeling like we've crossed the line.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 12/01/2026
So there's a movie coming out about Melania. I wonder who's playing Boris, Moose and Squirrel?
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 07/01/2026
Minneapolis. Watch the video and decide.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 05/01/2026
Will someone just name a star after this maniac and tell him that he’s master of the universe now?
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 04/01/2026
Aunt Julia says... When you're feeling low and down in the dumps, go down to the dumps and see what living there would be like.
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Reposted by Julia Scotti
Pete Buttigieg @petebuttigieg.bsky.social · 03/01/2026
It's an old and obvious pattern. An unpopular president - failing on the economy and losing his grip on power at home - decides to launch a war for regime change abroad. The American people don’t want to “run” a foreign country while our leaders fail to improve life in this one.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 03/01/2026
America...I am doing what I always do in times of turmoil and crisis. I'm making meatballs.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 03/01/2026
Remember that, kids…. The Marilyn Monroe Doctrines….are important doctrines. Maybe the most important doctrines.
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Julia Scotti @juliascotti1.bsky.social · 03/01/2026
So, when can Maduro expect his pardon?
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