@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 10hThe guys who asked me to “cover their tracks” didn’t say which songs I should performs, and now they’re in prison so I can’t ask. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 03/10/2026Would you believe it? The annual meeting of the Constipation Sufferers Support Group is on tomorrow and I can’t go. 020
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 03/10/2026“Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my CV”. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 03/10/2026I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s fundamentally wrong but I also think that owners of card-only establishments should get it. 020
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 03/10/2026Annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: ‘Sorry about the scratch, but I patched it up so you can hardly see it’. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 03/10/2026It’s the 21st century, we shouldn’t be holding grudges any more. At the very least, they should be hands-free. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 03/10/2026My ex said I was the most jealous man she knew. Confirming my suspicions about her knowing other men. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 03/10/2026There’s always some twat in every photo that spoils it. Especially selfies. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 03/10/2026Police believe the burglary at the offices of the Agoraphobia Society may have been an inside job. 021
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 02/10/2026I keep having these weird dreams where my body is dried and smoked in order to preserve it after my death. The doctor says I can’t be cured. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 02/10/2026It’s only when you look very, very closely at yourself in the mirror that you realise it’s been nearly 5 years since your last eye test. 001
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 02/10/2026“I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair. What happens next will shock you”. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 02/10/2026“I went on a hiking holiday in Belgium” “You trecked?” “No. That’s in Holland”. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 01/10/2026I got the tube of Polyfilla mixed up with the Poligrip, and now the lounge wall tastes minty fresh and I can’t get my dentures out. 120
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 01/10/2026I love starting my day with a brisk walk and a full English breakfast. But I never do either. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 30/09/2026Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words” Me: “A Maverick”. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 30/09/2026They laughed at Columbus when he said the world was round. His flies were open. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 30/09/2026Next week I start work at the Penis Extension clinic. They have offered me a very impressive package. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 30/09/2026I watched my neighbour practising his mime act for half an hour yesterday. I found out today he was just trapped in his conservatory. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 30/09/2026I’m very much a metrosexual. I hide my erection behind a free newspaper on the bus. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 30/09/2026With great power comes great responsibility, two eggs any style, and your choice of toast or pancakes. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 30/09/2026I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t getting impatient waiting for that special someone to come along, win my heart, and strangle me in my sleep. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 29/09/2026I’ve been strapped for cash for months. Still, it’s a job I suppose. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 29/09/2026Never be assiduous, you’ll make an ass out of you, us, and most importantly, Syd. 011
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 29/09/2026I went to a surprise 60th birthday party at the weekend. She thought she was 59. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 28/09/2026I’m so old, I can remember getting through an entire day without taking a picture of anything. 021
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 28/09/2026My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she went so apeshit when she found my ‘prospects’ list. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 28/09/2026Took the kids to the zoo on Sunday. I wasn’t that impressed with the bird sanctuary at the time, but the owls were tremendous looking back. 032
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 28/09/2026Nothing more awkward than popping out of a giant stripper cake and realising you’re at the wrong funeral. 110
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 27/09/2026Playing football later. We played last week and it’s 0-0 on aggregate. We’re playing on grass this week though, so it should be easier. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 27/09/2026My mate and me have had a massive fall out. It started over a misunderstanding when I said “Your round tight arse”. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 27/09/2026My roofer just texted me saying he has shingles and now I’m not sure if he’s coming tomorrow. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 27/09/2026Shit! One of the kids just poked me in the eye while the other was twisting my ear and now I’m back to factory settings. 021
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 27/09/2026Those people who come up to you and say ‘Jesus loves you.’ Great, but it really is the last thing I want to hear in this Mexican jail. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 26/09/2026My wife really wants us to try the ‘Flambé Diet’. I’m hoping it’s just a flash in the pan. 020
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 26/09/2026Despite an early hit single, Paul Hardcastle’s career has not been nearly as successful as that of his brother, Paul Bouncycastle. 020
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 26/09/2026BREAKING NEWS The Vatican has started controversial gas drilling in West Yorkshire. Pontiff fracked. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 25/09/2026BREAKING NEWS: Police were called to a disturbance at a 50s themed petting zoo this afternoon. The ram, a lamb, and a llama had a ding-dong. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 25/09/2026Apparently, Pulp were heavily influenced by 80s band Orange Juice, who in turn were greatly influenced Squeeze. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 25/09/2026My sister loves comfort eating and has too many cats. Or ‘is happily single’ as she likes to call it. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 24/09/2026As a punishment, my old maths teacher once made me write ‘I will use calculators correctly’ 58008 times. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 24/09/2026BREAKING: Kemi Badenoch calls for zero-hours contracts to be renamed ‘fun-size jobs’. 030
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 24/09/2026Just gave my boss a selection of Star Wars masks. You should have seen the Luke on his face. 001
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 24/09/2026Coming last in the high jump at the school sports day still haunts me to this day. I never did get over it. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 24/09/2026By the way, if your name is Rosie, then your friend who just texted “LOL” to you from the train cannot be trusted. She was silent the whole time. 000
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 24/09/2026You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, f**k I’d miss you so much and think of you every day. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 24/09/2026Just sent a text to my ex: ‘I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here’. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 24/09/2026“Veni, Veni, Veni” ~ Julius Caesar’s lesser known porn-star sister, Julia. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 24/09/2026I lost my job at the garden centre shortly after my boss brought a customer over to me and said “He wants decking”. 010
@Joust_A_Minute @joustaminute.bsky.social · 24/09/2026Two things I find difficult about outdoor running: 1. Running past a chip shop that smells amazing 2. Jogging without dropping your chips. 010