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John Soanes

@johnsoanes.bsky.social
42 followers 80 following 256 posts

He's like a pen: longer than he is wide, writes, runs... and as time goes on, will probably leak more often and need various of his original parts replaced.

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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
I'd imagine that Spain and many South American countries would probably say 'yes' if asked to relabel Artificial Intelligence as Super lntelligence
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
Time-consuming and almost exhausting that as you get older, the further you have to scroll down to find the correct age bracket in online form dropdown lists
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
Nice that Dennis the Menace and Minnie the Minx can cosplay as each other so easily
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Impressed to see that the latest issue of Hello! magazine has a supplement on the ideas of Wilde, Swinburne and others in their movement
The latest issue of Hello! magazine with a supplement on 'Aesthetics'
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
Yoga's relaxing in many ways, but for a dog owner it's particularly good to be able to walk the dog without having to check your pockets for poo bags beforehand
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
Really have to stop going onto X and putting 'Not interesting' and 'False' under all the owner's posts and giggling to myself
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Bit of a pity that it always seems out of the ordinary when someone uses the word 'quotidian'
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
After a certain age, it starts to feel vaguely insulting when people trot out the aphorism that only the good die young
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
With its abundance of potential stopping points to correct mistakes or take a break for a cuppa, there must be quite a rivalry amongst voice artists to get the audiobook job every time there's a new Jack Reacher
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
Spotted this poster in the wild(e) and couldn't help thinking it looks a bit ragged, perhaps appropriately
Poster for a forthcoming theatre production of The Picture of Dorian Gray in a rather parlous state. Yes, l wanted to use that word for no real reason other than it sounds fancy. I might not even be using it in the right way, but please don't give me grief for it, it was such fun to hear it in my head as l typed it. Go on, say it aloud, it's fun: parlous. Parr-luss. Mmm, very satisfying.
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
I'd probably be a bit put out if l was a DJ on a radio station where the marketing was all about 'more music'
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
"The last temptation is the greatest treason: to wait 'til your partner's out and binge a newly-dropped season" - Murder In The Cathedral, TS Eliot (2026 updated edition)
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
Until someone comes up with an elegant rhyme for 'light bulb', l guess we're stuck with lyrics about moths being drawn to flames
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
Didn't realise Kristen Scott Thomas was playing Mike Tyson in her next stage role
Poster for a forthcoming production of Chekhov's 'The Cherry Orchard' featuring Kristin Scott Thomas with a shadow of a tree branch covering the right hand side of her face. Very stylish, though as with so many posters for plays it gives no clue at all as to what the show might actually be anout. Tch.
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
"And you're sure this is an officially licensed item of Count Binface merchandise?"
A screenpic from the most recent Mission Impossible film, in which the character Kittridge holds a Maguffin-type item called a Podkova after Ethan Hunt has passed it to him. That sounds very dull, but the film's actually perfectly watchable
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
"John? Olivia? We love what you're doing with the song, but could you sing the last word more off-key, please? Kind of like a squawk, really - less 'nights' and more 'nye-yights'? Thanks, darlings - it's just to make sure the song becomes a karaoke favourite in years to come, whatever that means..."
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
Tragically, in the early days of mass manufacturing, being good at matchmaking probably meant a bit more of a struggle to be kissed
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
If Superman's rocket had landed in France, l guess he would have insisted on being called Chan-El
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 13/09/2026
Not so sure forgetful people will find this useful
A book for storing your paaswords in (uh, is that a smart idea?), which is secured by a combination lock... hmm
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
By my reckoning, if the cardboard cores in toilet rolls keep expanding in diameter at the current rate, by 2068 the hole in the middle will be bigger than the roll itself
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
The small print bit in a lot of podcast ads now is '18+ terms and conditions apply", which seems an insanely broad range of numbers
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
Want to replace my Fossil watch with a Diesel one, so l think I'll just bury it in the ground and wait
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
On due reflection, l think I'm now in my 'Not in an era' era
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
I'll wager M&S don't send vehicles with that slogan on the side on any route that involves a customs check
M&S lorry with the phrase 'this is not just food' along the side. A slogan I've always found a bit ambiguous, if I'm honest - it's got things other than food in the packets of food? What things? Inedible items? Intangible items? Still, as long as I'm not being charged extra for the abstract concepts that are bundled in with my pack of fancy cakes, l guess l shouldn't be too worried
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
I like to sit in coffee shops while l write - it makes me feel in touch with other people, plugged into all the variety and possibilities of human life, and inspires me to push my imagination in all possible directions. So this next poem is called 'Coffee shop girl with the nose ring'
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
Reading an Andy Warhol biography which reproduces his death certificate - can't help feeling the Manhattan authorities should have printed it in a 3x3 grid of alternating Red, Green and Blue
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
Feels like dating Elves in Tolkien's Rivendell would be pretty unbearable, really - "is not the compatibility that is lacking not in fact the most intimate?" and stuff like that
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
Trust your money to Nationwide, where the Blood-red sun always rises over the windowless house of death
The logo of Nationwide building society, which is oddly red. In all honesty, all my dealings with them have been very decent, which can't be said for all banking institutions...
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 28/08/2026
As the saying goes: if you can't say something nice about somebody, then you'll probably be right at home on X
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 27/08/2026
Always think the logo looks like a slightly sad domino mask, as might be worn to a party with (ahem) an 'Eyes Wide Shut' aesthetic
The logo of Meta, the company who run Facebook, Threads, and a whole load of other stuff that might not be making the world a better place. But maybe I'm just jaded because l was using Whatsapp before they bought it and now I've got one foot in their ecosystem and it's not what l wanted, if I'm honest.
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 26/08/2026
BREAKING NEWS: 'Memes designed to scare people can sometimes scare people' shock www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...
bbc.co.uk
Viral Cat in the Hat TikTok trend sparks fake videos and real fear
The social media posts have prompted police forces in Ireland and the UK to issue statements that the images are fake.
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
If vinyl hadn't made a comeback, l guess cinema reviews would now be referring to music cues as laser shines
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 24/08/2026
Behind the scenes 'spilling of tea' usually suggests Content Creators aren't particularly content after all
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
- Good evening! (Pause for applause) - Hello, [name of city]! Howyadoin? (Smile and nod until applause dies out) Okay, so that's the first two minutes of my Netflix comedy special all sorted, now l just need to write the other 54 minutes
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 22/08/2026
Feels like things would have gone very differently in the 1980s if, instead of a Satanic Panic, a concerted effort had been made to label it as a 'Demonic Frolic'
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
This request from a pack of sausages strikes me as being both (a) a slightly odd, if admirably direct, sexual demand and (b) alarmingly in contravention of current fire safety guidelines. Consequently, l shall not be following the instruction.
Corner of a packet of Richmond Sausages with a small logo saying 'Finish me on the BBQ' with a picture of a frankly dangerous-looking flame roaring out of the top.
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 20/08/2026
Drug Baron = Bad Drug Lord = Bad Drug Czar = Good ...Very confusing, the narcotics heirarchy.
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
l was into his stuff before everyone else got into it - mind you, back then, he was known as Pre Malone
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
Sometimes l wonder how different my life would have been if l'd never decided to watch It's A Wonderful Life every Christmas
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
The spirit medium says the squeaking sounds l sometimes hear from my chimney are the ghost of a Victorian-era urchin who got trapped up there and perished. They also said this is so common, it's the origin of the name for beloved children's TV character Sweep.
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 14/08/2026
Strange that we use the number of people who refute the existence or occurrence of something as the unit for the sturdiness of tights
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
I hear that scientists did a test on a urinal and found it contained traces of 14 different types of peanut
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
l had my phone with me, so l was able to capture candid footage of the famous K-Pop boyband at Bratislava airport - stay tuned for my BTS BTS BTS footage
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 09/08/2026
- Why aren't the Matins bells ringing? - I think Jacques was on the rota. He might have overslept. - Okay, I want you to get some local children together, and get them to sing a song about how he needs to wake up and do his job. - I'm not sure that will work. - It will if they sing it in a round.
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 08/08/2026
If you hear the phrase 'lived experience' and think that (linguistically and logically) it suggests there's such a thing as 'unlived experience', you'd be right; for most of us, it can be found in the Biography section of the nearest bookshop
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 07/08/2026
Peanuts used to trigger a negative reaction in me when l was younger, but as l got older I've come to appreciate the interplay between the underlying melancholy and Schultz's deft linework
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
Isthay andbray amenay ustmay ebay aay okejay ybay uderay ansfay ofay ackslangbay, urelyshay?
Pack of the dubiously-named Ankhway gummies
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 05/08/2026
I like the way The Devil Wears Prada 2 swipes the action movie trope of handing the protagonist a sexual partner as a reward for saving the day
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 02/08/2026
Coincidentally, the same thing that girl at college said about the mixtape l spent hours making for her
Back of a Chicago Town pizza box with the usual nonsense marketing stuff and a banner across it saying 'Cheese Medley'. For the record, the pizza itself was okay, though not having been there l can't honestly say whether it actually tastes of Chicago. Though if it's referring to the musical of the same name that's just a slippery slope to making ribald remarks... and nobody wants that.
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John Soanes @johnsoanes.bsky.social · 01/08/2026
Mind you, they'll have to wait at the Collect counter to pick it up like the rest of us www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...
BBC News article stating that Sainsburys has agreed to sell Argos for £120m. Imagine the number of reusable bags the buyer will need to get that home
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