iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

i took it to mean that your relatives had been arrested at the border attempting to come and join The Pilgrimage of Hams

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thank you everybody for the kind birthday wishes, you are all loved and deserving of happiness. i'm going to get irresponsibly drunk in a quiet steakhouse on someone else's dime because god is good and The Dumper is king

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don't flash dump 'less i'm gettin paid

030

jims @jims.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

my birthday wish is for you all to hug your loved ones close, acknowledge them and then tell them to follow me. not in a social media sense, they must follow my corporeal form across the earth. i will lead our people towards a plump and juicy future where assless chaps reign and The Dumper is king

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guy who confuses unibrow with unabomber: sometimes i look in the mirror and see my father. the grand irony is that he was absence incarnate, yet somehow never leaves; haunting the very eyes peering back at me. huh? no yeah, i've been awake this whole time. scalpels back in fellas, stitch me up good

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jims @jims.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

i would call the police if i still had fingers

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jims @jims.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

it depends! if they haven't attached yet then you can simply pluck them off, however if they've begun to burrow you may need to seek medical attention

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jims @jims.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

el presidenté, your palace awaits

051

twelve juicy supplicants vie for the position, putting life and limb on the line as rivalries and romances flare up and die just as fast. this season on America's Next Top Boiling Boy,

030

if i may doff the facade of whimsy for a moment, it's time to get painfully sincere; i've been boiling my evening oats in dr pepper for months now. it's awful. it's disgusting and i don't even eat them, but if i don't do this then no one else will and the world will lose something unique forever.

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i have a hot take regarding the upcoming american midterms; every year your candidates should get slightly smaller. in 2030 every elected representative should be 2 inches tall and ride a beetle to work. they should sleep under a mushroom and wear doll clothes. they should crave the falling boot,

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i can't read this anymore, can you send a voice message

050

trapped by my co-worker in a boring conversation. i involuntary roll my eyes with exasperation, too late in realizing my mistake; as my eyes roll across the table, co-worker snatches them up and starts sucking them down like plump grapes, giggling greedily. i have no recourse, there are rules here.

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damn that's a cool stick

150

powerful ape hand runs a powerful puppet

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look, i'm not saying she didn't. i'm just saying that her literature contains zero references to the awe-inspiring squeezing pressure of an ape Hand. nowhere does it mention that it could rip a man's whole entire shit clean off with one stroke, and that just doesn't sit well with us

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jims @jims.bsky.social · 17/09/2026

"one Great Ape steps forward, hooting and gesturing with its powerful hands. a second emerges from the group, a small and delicate berry cupped in its powerful hands. a third points to the berry, then to me, swinging its powerful hands" - jane goodall, if she truly respected the power of an ape hand

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my Large Adult Son has the delicately carved torso of a flute. every mellifluous breath flows over his oesophagal reeds in one organic note. if you put a finger in his bellybutton it blows a c#. plug his ass with two thumbs and you get a b-minor flat 7. child protective services wouldn't understand,

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🍑💨🦘🦘🦘🦘🦘🦘🦘

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if your heart is consumed by fear it calls to them like a beacon. look to the skies, they will blot out the sun

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my exotic international lover @telephonesis.bsky.social is visiting me in australia and the first kangaroo she saw was dead on the side of the road. this is an auspicious sign, those who first witness the end can only continue to begin. why do we fall? so that we can pick ourselves up. batman begin

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jims @jims.bsky.social · 13/09/2026

two duck breasts. enhance

240

yanking my parachute ripcord, a tiny man brimming with self confidence and a can-do attitude pops out of the 'chute bag. "don't worry friend, i'll get us out of this jam!" he yells over the rushing wind. we slam into the ground at terminal velocity

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sooo, ive been thinking about your future here at the company. before you panic, its nothing serious! didn't mean to spook you, consider this more of a... teaching moment? some friendly mentorship from one professional to another. take this egg and slide it up my ass and kick me so hard it shatters,

0415

boreal evergreens lash at my naked form as i pass, bursting into flames as the friction of passage ignites the very air around them. i need to go faster. i need to outrun photons. i need to lap the galaxy, to impress mother and her luncheon guests. they will deem me worthy of the finger sandwiches,

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my Large Adult Son buries his eggs in the sand just like everyone else, yet still the children torment him. "look!" they chant, "look at the mechanical demon planting his seeds!". if only they knew how he whispers into birds until the messages echo from the trees, lulling the moon and stars to sleep

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