theonion.com
Report: 17% Of Easter Egg Hunts End In Child Setting Off Landmine
BOSTON—Warning parents to be on the lookout for unexploded ordinance during the traditional springtime festivity, a report released Sunday by researchers at Northeastern University found that 17% of all Easter egg hunts end with a child setting off a landmine. “Our survey concluded that a young child was blown up after tripping a mine on approximately 1 in 6 occasions in which an outdoor search for eggs, candy, or other treats was held to celebrate Easter Sunday,” said report co-author Brenda Daubert, who added that the majority of detonations occurred when a child clutching a brightly colored woven basket exclaimed, “I found one! I found one!” after leaving the beaten path and stumbling upon a location no one had searched yet. “What many see as an innocent part of the feast commemorating the resurrection of Christ is often unceremoniously cut short when children erupt into a cloud of blood, viscera, and plastic egg shards. It’s not just landmines, either. Live grenades are often mistaken for eggs by unsuspecting kids. Because of that, we strongly recommend parents avoid minefields when deciding on a location for their Easter gatherings.” Daubert added that the probability rises from 17% to 100% when the Easter egg hunt is held in Laos.
