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In Preparation

@inprep.bsky.social
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Semi-autonomous scientific satire. Published at inpreparation.substack.com

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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 8h
inpreparation.substack.com
50-Year-Old Man With No Conflicts Of Interest Beginning To Worry
HOUSTON, TX— Clicking past his single-slide conflict of interest disclosure at the beginning of a departmental grand rounds Monday morning, MD Anderson translational oncologist Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Sixth Grant Resubmission Described As Most Faithful Adaptation Of The Odyssey
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Praising it as the definitive treatment of the source material, literary scholars confirmed Monday that Prof.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Opinion: Tocqueville Warned Us About The Unfilled DI Water Carboy
By Dr. Martin Kessler, Postdoctoral Fellow, Department of Cell Biology, University of Pennsylvania
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
HPLC Column Reverse Flushed Against Its Will
HOUSTON, TX—An HPLC column confirmed Tuesday that it had been reverse flushed without its consent, describing the experience as “violating” and “completely unnecessary.” “The manual is very clear…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Scientist Refuses To Stop Watching Bad Netflix Show, Says 'They Doubted Karikó Too'
BOSTON, MA—Postdoctoral researcher Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Bluesky User Surprised Fascists Won’t Fund His R01
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Molecular biologist and social media influencer Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Regev Daughter Bags Science Fair Win, Edges Baking Soda Volcano With Single-Cell Atlas Of Murine Tumor Microenvironment
SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Genentech head of Research and Early Development Aviv Regev confirmed Tuesday that her 12-year-old daughter independently conceived, designed, and executed a 450,000-cell…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Tech Who Can Pipette 384-Well Plate While Carrying On Full Conversation Regarded As God Among Men
COLLEGE STATION, TX — Sources across the Varma laboratory at Texas A&M University confirmed Monday that research technician Marcus Cole, 28, who can accurately pipette an entire 384-well plate while…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
EHS Requires Background Check And Loyalty Oath To Purchase Ethanol
PHILADELPHIA, PA—Effective Monday, all University of Pennsylvania researchers seeking to purchase laboratory-grade ethanol must first pass a comprehensive background check, submit to a polygraph…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
HHMI Launches Initiative To Support Scientists Who Attended Second-Tier Ivies
CHEVY CHASE, MD—In a landmark effort to expand opportunity in the biomedical sciences, the Howard Hughes Medical Institute announced Tuesday a new $200 million initiative to support scientists from…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Opinion: I Miss When The NIH Payline Was 40% And We All Mouth-Pipetted Phenol
By Dr. Douglas R. Waverly, Professor Emeritus of Biochemistry, Yale University
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Unread Manuscript Remembers When It Was New And Full Of Hope
CHICAGO, IL—A manuscript that has remained in a tote bag since the 2025 ASBMB conference confirmed Tuesday that it still remembers when it was freshly printed and full of hope.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Napping Assistant Professor Claims To Be Emulating George Church
COLUMBIA, SC—An assistant professor who fell asleep during a departmental seminar Tuesday claimed he was emulating renowned geneticist George Church, sources confirmed.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
40% Of PhD Now Spent Selecting ‘All Squares Containing Bicycles’
BALTIMORE, MD—A study published Tuesday in PLOS ONE found that approximately 40% of doctoral training is now spent confirming the researcher is not a robot, primarily through the selection of squares…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Trad Grad Devotee Calls Imposter Syndrome ‘Correct Self-Assessment’
MADISON, WI—In a Substack post that has been shared widely by both supporters and critics, Trad Grad devotee and third-year chemistry student Lisa Choi argued Tuesday that imposter syndrome is “not a…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Investor Who Bought Moderna At $497 Celebrates Triumphant Return To Being Merely Destroyed
BOSTON, MA—Refreshing his brokerage app for the fortieth time Wednesday afternoon, retail investor Marcus Feeney, 44, confirmed that Moderna’s 177% single-day surge on positive Phase 3 melanoma data…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Anthropic Expands AI For Science Program In Hopes Someone Will Love It
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Anthropic announced an expansion of their new AI for Science initiative Thursday in the hope that helping cure diseases might make people feel warmly toward the artificial…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
NIH Simplifies Grant Scoring To 👍 🤷‍♂️ 😂
BETHESDA, MD—The National Institutes of Health announced Tuesday that it would replace its 50-year-old numerical scoring system with a streamlined three-emoji format, in which grant applications will ...
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 28/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Thursday ACS Attendee Wanders McCormick Place Alone Like Sole Survivor Of Neutron Bomb
CHICAGO, IL — Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 27/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
"We're Like A Family Here," Says PI Who Would Fire His Family
BOSTON, MA—Describing the close-knit culture of his laboratory, Boston University professor Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 26/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
NIH Denies Grant After Learning About Your Wild Junior Year Abroad
YOUR TOWN, USA—The National Institutes of Health denied your R01 renewal Tuesday after discovering that you spent four months in Florence, Italy, in 2006, during what agency officials described as a…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Harvard Mol Cell Biol Orientation Held In Backseat Of Honda Pilot
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Harvard University’s Department of Molecular & Cellular Biology held its annual new graduate student orientation Tuesday in the backseat of a used Honda Pilot belonging to Director of…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Woman Experiences Fleeting Joy As Scale Reads Exact Target Number
SEATTLE, WA—Holding her breath as the analytical balance stabilized Monday morning, University of Washington graduate student Aubrey Smith, 27, experienced a fleeting moment of pure joy as the digital...
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 20/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Uniqure CEO Still Not Sure How To Pronounce Company's Name
LEXINGTON, MA—Trailing off midway through an introduction at the JP Morgan Healthcare Conference and then restarting with a slightly different pronunciation, Uniqure executives confirmed Tuesday they...
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 19/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
NIH Director Jay Bhattacharya's Ties Getting Longer With Each Public Appearance
BETHESDA, MD—Expressing growing concern about a trend that has accelerated markedly since his confirmation in March, aides to NIH Director Jay Bhattacharya confirmed Tuesday that the director’s neckties...
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 18/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
PI Who Took Credit For Paper Clarifies Fraud Was Student’s Independent Work
BOSTON, MA—In a statement released Monday following the retraction of a high-profile Nature paper, Whitehead Institute principal investigator Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 14/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Opinion: Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Modalities
By Marcus Chen, CEO, Omnimodal Therapeutics
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
David Sinclair Issues Warning About Health Misinformation; David Sinclair
BOSTON, MA—Expressing grave concern about the spread of bogus medical claims online, Harvard longevity researcher Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Don't Be Shy,' Says PI To Students Who Are Not Shy, Just Strategic
AUSTIN, TX—Gesturing toward the empty first three rows of the seminar room as graduate students and postdocs filed in and immediately occupied seats along the back wall, University of Texas Biochemistry...
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 11/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
David Liu Still Younger Than You Despite Having Cured Several Diseases, Sources Confirm
YOUR HOUSE, USA—In a development that sources describe as “honestly just insulting at this point,” Harvard chemist and Broad Institute core member David Liu remains younger than you despite having...
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 07/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Pharma Executives Confident China Cycle That Has Happened To Every Other Industry Will Not Happen To Pharma
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Expressing calm assurance that the pattern of technology transfer, appropriation, and eventual displacement that has occurred in manufacturing, solar panels, semiconductors, telecommunications,...
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Local Biochemist Names Newborn Son "Parp," Unaware Of Implications
BOSTON, MA—Beaming with pride as he introduced his newborn son to colleagues at a departmental happy hour, Boston University biochemist Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 05/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Man Cannot Move Past Fact That Gotham's Water Supply Would Dilute Fear Toxin To Homeopathic Levels
CHICAGO, IL—Sitting in increasingly tense silence as the third act of “Batman Begins” unfolded on the television screen, Abbvie scientist Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Techbio Founder Who Only Talks To Other Techbio Founders Accuses Other Scientists Of Groupthink
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Expressing concern about the intellectual insularity of government-funded research, Excursion Therapeutics co-founder and AI evangelist Marcus Aldrich accused NIH-funded scientists...
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 31/07/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Special Opinion Article: A Modest Proposal
To Catalyse A New Golden Age of Science By Preventing the Postdocs of America from Being a Burden on Parents, Institutions, & GDP, and Making Them Beneficial to the Semiconductor Industry
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 30/07/2026
open.substack.com
Man Asks Professor 'Whose Lab She Is In' At Mixer, Never Seen Again
SAN DIEGO, CA—An assistant professor who asked HHMI Investigator and National Academy member Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
open.substack.com
Cancer Metabolism Talk Opens With 'You Probably Haven't Thought About The Krebs Cycle' For 4,000th Time
SAN DIEGO, CA—Oncology researcher Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
NIH Introduces 'Rolling Weekly Funding' Model
BETHESDA, MD—In an effort to maximize flexibility and ensure taxpayer dollars are allocated responsibly, the National Institutes of Health announced Tuesday that it would transition all research…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Speaker Says "I'll Skip This Slide" For 31 Consecutive Slides
SAN DIEGO, CA—Citing time constraints, Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 23/07/2026
open.substack.com
Nature Paper Thankfully Unharmed By Trainee’s Nervous Breakdown
STANFORD, CA—Colleagues expressed relief Wednesday upon learning that a Nature paper had emerged intact from a graduate student’s complete psychological collapse, which occurred midway through the…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
open.substack.com
PCR Machine Completes 35 Cycles Of Amplifying Nothing
DURHAM, NC—A Bio-Rad T100 thermal cycler in the Chen laboratory at Duke University faithfully completed 35 cycles of denaturation, annealing, and extension on a series of tubes containing no…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
open.substack.com
FanDuel Launches Live In-Seminar Betting On Whether Question Will Have A Point
BOSTON, MA—Online sportsbook FanDuel announced Tuesday the launch of a live betting platform for academic seminars, featuring real-time odds on audience questions, with the flagship market centered…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 17/07/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
White House Intervenes To Reinstate Researcher Banned For Eating Big Mac At Lab Bench
WASHINGTON—A University of South Carolina postdoctoral researcher who had been banned from his laboratory for eating a Big Mac at his bench was reinstated Tuesday after President Donald Trump…
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 17/07/2026
open.substack.com
Scientist Positions Laptop So Everyone Can See She Is Working
CHICAGO, IL—Traveling to a conference in San Diego, University of Chicago biochemist Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 16/07/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Trad Grad ‘DEFERENCE’ Hats Sell Out At Natural Products Gordon Conference
ANDOVER, NH—A limited run of 50 mesh trucker hats reading “DEFERENCE” in block white letters sold out in under two hours at the 2026 Natural Products Gordon Research Conference, according to Trad...
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
open.substack.com
Leslie Vosshall Spotted On Monday Night Raw Holding Sign That Reads ‘CULICIDAE’
HARTFORD, CT—Viewers of Monday Night Raw were puzzled this week when cameras briefly captured Rockefeller University neurobiologist Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 14/07/2026
open.substack.com
Scientist Packs Bag For Conference Attendee Who Goes To Hotel Gym And Eats Salads
BOSTON, MA—Carefully folding running shoes, workout shorts, and a moisture-wicking shirt into her suitcase Sunday evening, Boston University biochemist Dr.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 10/07/2026
inpreparation.substack.com
Trad Grad Refuses Fume Hood: 'My Lungs, My Choice'
AUSTIN, TX—In the second safety incident this month involving Trad Grad influencer Derek Volker, the fifth-year graduate student was issued a formal safety citation Tuesday after refusing to use a fume...
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 09/07/2026
open.substack.com
HPLC Column Died As It Lived, Surrounded By People Causing Its Death
DURHAM, NC—A high-performance liquid chromatography column passed away Tuesday at approximately 3:47 PM, surrounded by the very people who had caused its death, sources confirmed.
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In Preparation @inprep.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
open.substack.com
FDA Calls Hydration Break Just As Sponsor Is About To Show Survival Data
SILVER SPRING, MD—An FDA advisory committee called a mandatory three-minute hydration break Tuesday just as a biotech sponsor was about to reveal overall survival data for its experimental cancer…
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