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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 53m

Fucking fuck. Just fuck. Fuck! COME THE FUCK ON WITH THIS FUCKING FUCKERY!

The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 4h

Starting a new online betting service called Hedge where you can bet that your bets on other betting sites won't pay off so no matter what happens you win!

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 4h

I was gonna call your bluff but it went to voicemail.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 5h

I'm in a starter pack for satirists but I keep telling them that's not what these goat legs mean.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 6h

There are a lot of people talking about Stephen King in relation to Banned Books Week and, OK, he may be the most banned author in the US right now but he's also Stephen King. I feel like reading King as an act of rebellion falls flat...cuz he's Stephen King. Does this make sense?

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 6h

Everyone and everything in this town wants Bill Skarsgård dead. They have a rough go of things.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 7h

The little guy finished his treat and then told Schwarzenegger to free Mars.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 8h

A bird should shit in your mouth for saying things like this. It should just be summoned by the combined will of the rest of us upon seeing someone say a thing like this. Not a sparrow, either. This is at least an owl. Maybe a heron.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 8h

A thing I actually enjoy about writing for a big audience is when an original character clicks. Folks seem to dig Thomas Coulson, a one-time paranormal investigator & psychic of enormous power who died & came back as a fully corporeal ghost, held together by his own powers.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 8h

One of the best things about ghostwriting a series is all the people who hate your work but love the "real" author, who is also you.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 8h

Technically my book WereCage was never banned but if you saw how many copies it sold you would agree that it's functionally the same so, ya know, look. Look at it!

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 9h

Giant lizard just knocked on my door and asked me if I had heard the good news about Jehovahzilla.

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Reposted by The Call is Coming From Ianside the House

The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 19h

I don't know how so many people didn't like the movie Soulm8te. On one hand, yes it's terribly predictable and also tragically dumb. On the other hand, this android crushes two different guys' dicks. Like bloody, gory dick crushing. It's remarkable.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 9h

Beware Boiúna made $550,000 at the box office this weekend on more than 1,100 screen. So under $500 per theater. Anaconda from last year was a letdown and may have poisoned the giant snake waters but I think "Beware Boiúna" is also a terrible name for a horror movie cuz no one knows what it means.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 19h

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 23h

I am a very lonely person but I also dislike being around most people so it's a bit of a pickle I find myself in.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

Watch Demián Rugna's Terrified if you want a truly creepy movie experience. Seen it a couple of times and it still gets me with a few scenes. Rugna is criminally underrated as a horror director.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

There's a sex scene in the original Halloween which lasts for just over 23 seconds from the moment the guy climbs on top to the moment he collapses and then rolls off of her again. The girl then says "fantastic." It's a fine example of John Carpenter's cynical sense of humor.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

There's a scene in the original Halloween when Laurie's friend Annie gets locked in the laundry room, tries to climb out the window & get stuck. She's in her underwear with her ass up and I feel like John Carpenter may have inadvertently created a porn genre with that scene.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

I was just reading about this photograph because I thought it wasn't real at first. But it is, and that's pretty great. Taken by Jan Wittmer, it's a little goldcrest that stopped at just the right moment.

A chubby little goldCrest bird that looks like it has a yellow and black mohawk on its tiny head. It's sort of pear-shaped with little orange stick legs and the colors around its mouth make it look it is frowning dramatically at the camera

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Tech Guy: I worked for 6 weeks with Grok, Claude, and chatGPT to design a new, super efficient penis which i then 3D printed. *puts a red cube on the table* Audience: It's a cube? Tech Guy: Yeah! You can fit 25 of them in a drawer. Now who's stupid and useless?

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Isn't finding someone you respect from the other side in order to cure your ideaological bias kind of like finding a leprechaun or a genie to cure your poverty?

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Eve 6 was ok with me writing a book about them being dinosaurs, do you think they'd let me write a slasher movie in which they remove people's hearts and put them in blenders? Maybe it should be an obsessed fan from the 90s trying to make them come back to social media.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

The amount of Alf hog, cum jokes, thirst traps and rampant filth scattered across Bluesky like rice at a wedding make me think that calling people who ascribe to those "woke" beliefs as prudish means you don't understand neither jack nor shit.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

I'm not gonna not point out that Black Sheep and Black Sheeps are well worth your horror time and money.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Okay, but if they can't do that on television, why is it a TV show?? You keep letting them do it!

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Great, now we'll never get to see Digger II: Diggerer.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Smoke dances are very cool and also, in my experience (which is limited) pretty rare. They're relatively new, such that I don't think there's a word for the dance in the Iroquoian languages. They're sort of an adaptation/evolution of traditional war dances. They seem to mostly be done competitively.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

You should really watch all of these, but especially Good Boy. We need to support dog actors.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Does anyone in Philly says "whiz wit" when they order a cheese steak for real? I feel like that's a thing the internet says locals say so the actual locals know you're a faker when you say it. Anyway, I can't use cutesy phrases for a special order, no matter how much a restaurant wants me to.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Abandoning premium bangers in the wasteland of Bluesky Sunday. I'm sorry, little skeets. But you're strong. You're good. You can do this.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

Imagine seeing how stupid other people are and proactively deciding that you must usurp them by being aggressively stupid.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

On a hazy Sunday, as the mercury soars and the very air you breathe becomes oppressive, not all seek the solace of iced beverages and air conditioned condos. Even as the earthy smell of his wares sting the nostrils of oblivious passers-by, the sisyphean work of Gary the Dung Beetle has just begun.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

No one can say if handjob robots were in the minds of the engineers working on this problem. But no one can say they weren't.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

🎵Ohhhhhhhhhhh! When you need a hole that's bigger Who should you ask, do you figure? Yes sir, it's time to pull the trigger And then hire Tom Cruise he's Digger!🎶 (I assume this is part of the movie)

static.klipy.com

Tom Cruise Singing with Goose

Alt: Tom Cruise Singing with Goose in Top Gun

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

According to internet trivia, during the production of the movie Critters, the prop departments didn't have enough hair on hand so they went to a local adult store and bought some merkins. So Critters are part pubic wig.

Critters in an alley next to some trash cans and bags. There are about nine of the critters which are small, bipedal hairy aliens with red eyes, giant mouse with multiple rows of teeth, and erotic hair over most of the rest of their bodies

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

It is much harder to carve a pumpkin the size of an orange that I expected

A tiny little jack-o'-lantern that looks sort of like Sam from the movie trick r treat lit from the inside with a green LED so that the stitches on his mask and his eyes light up

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

The Friday the 13th remake is worth watching if for no other reason then you'll be assaulted by so many nonsensical screenwriting choices. Why was the summer camp & counselors replaced by people in their 20s having a house party? Why does the town just accept that Jason murders people?

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

I came up with an idea for a horror themed cookbook a while ago with 31 recipes inspired by horror movies. It's never gone anywhere, but here's a little sneak peek at a couple ideas.

Quint’s Pretzel-Crusted Filet Mignon with Potatoes (Jaws)
Because they use beef to try to catch the shark, we have a nice filet mignon crusted in Hooper’s favorite snack, the pretzel. The sauce is quince (Or Quint’s, if you will) and apricot to honor the apricot brandy Quint requests as payment and three perfect barrel-shaped fondant potatoes for the three barrels they attach to the shark.

Blood Red Raspberry Lava Cake (Dracula)
A lava cake that, like Dracula, must be stabbed right through. Cookie impalers, a nod to Vlad the Impaler, can be used to stab the cake’s exterior to reveal the blood red raspberry sauce within.
Buffalo Bill’s Lamb Shawarma Wrap (Silence of the Lambs)
Buffalo Bill inspires this Buffalo shawarma wrap which swaps chicken for lamb as a nod to the title

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

Frodo: Ask him whose hole it is. Ask him! Gollum: Whose holes is it, Precious? Sam: It doesn't feel sincere, Mr. Frodo.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

Spontaneous is still the best movie about kids exploding.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

You guys ever agree to keep something a secret only to find out that the secret is kind of insane and then you curse yourself for agreeing sight unseen?

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

*puts on alternative rock music* I'm built different.

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The Call is Coming From Ianside the House @ianfortey.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

Petition to rename deviled eggs "Fetuses of Beelzebub."

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