I am paying the price of a lot of bad choices that I’ve made throughout my life. One of the results of which was developing Type 2 Diabetes. The nerves are slowly dying in my feet making it difficult for me to walk. Now this is starting to happen in my bladder causing incontinence and I am only 48 years old. I also seem to have issues with developing blood clots so I will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life. All of these issues happened as a result of developing a very unhealthy relationship to food. I am going to share the experience in the hope that it may help someone in time to prevent this from happening to them. When I was a pre-teen through my teenage years and into my 30s, my father would berate me about my weight and my eating habits without helping me to develop healthy ones. He would use mental, verbal, and emotional abuse. The end result would be me sneaking unhealthy food and hiding it. I would also eat quickly so that it would be consumed before he could discover it. This was in effect serious eating disorder. My father was warned by psychiatrists and psychologists to cease this behavior because it would be destructive and ultimately cause more harm than good. But he knew better and ignored the experts. The net result is where I am today in a hospital bed, quite sick, and facing a future fraught with uncertainty. I used unhealthy food as medicine to cope with anxiety, sadness, depression; I even ate when happy. In the end it poisoned me. The ultimate irony is I grew out of a lot of the other childhood problems that I had. I might have never developed this eating disorder if it had not been for my father. He could not leave well enough alone. Now I am left with nothing but hatred remaining for the man. I finally had the courage to tell him a couple of weeks ago that I never want to speak to him again. I blocked his phone number and I _will_ never speak to him again. I no longer care if that makes me an ogre. The man has dementia and is facing a court hearing where he will be most likely declared non compos mentis. And I am cheering this disposition on because I believe he roundly deserves this fate for what he has caused me. I fear I may never be able to have intercourse again because of the nerve damage I’ve experienced. I worry that I may never sleep another night without the worry of incontinence. My girlfriend did not sign up to be my caretaker; nor do I want her to assume that role. The urological medications that can be used to potentially treat the incontinence might cause heart issues or other serious side effects. I signed up to be my girlfriend’s rock. I brought her out of a bad situation in Pennsylvania because I realized what a good person she is and I quickly fell for her because of the pure goodness she has. If you think you have an eating disorder, please, please get help immediately. I shared my story above not to get sympathy but to tell you what you might face later in life if you don’t get help. Please do not make the mistakes that I’ve made. Now I am effectively a 48 year old in a 75 year old man’s body. I may meet with a slow progression of future problems as nerves die or become less effective. If I can leave the world with one thing, then remember that food has the potential to be a double-edged sword. It can be both a poison and healing substance. If you have an eating disorder, food has become a poison. You may still have time to make it nourishing and healing. I will leave you with this final thought. We only have a finite number of years to live. Therefore we need to try to make these years the very best ones possible.

Normally when it comes to medical issues I remain optimistic and hopeful. Today, I am all out of optimism and hope. I’m actually quite sad and feeling defeated. At 48 years old I am dealing with serious incontinence problems. I’m also simultaneously dealing with borderline bradycardia and low blood pressure. So I am back in the hospital for doctors to try and figure things out. All I want to do is break down and cry. As if this was not enough, I got a 38/50 on my topic proposal for my research for one of my classes. I was sure I had done better. I’m coming apart at the seams. Urinating is burning like fire right now. I’m really worried. I have so much vested in this master’s program and I can feel it slipping away gradually. I need to somehow get my concentration back and redouble my efforts. I’m a smart and capable person. Why am I unable to concentrate!? Where is my major malfunction!? This is something I want to do. Social Work is something I want to do. Grad school is something I want to do. Maybe I just need to revisit my study strategy a bit. 15 minutes of study and 10 minutes of break. Maybe during this difficult time period, I just need to be kinder and gentler to myself. After I pass this hurdle, I’ll make it through. I will succeed here. I will simply redouble my efforts. I will recommit to success.

Normally when it comes to medical issues I remain optimistic and hopeful. Today, I am all out of optimism and hope. I’m actually quite sad and feeling defeated. At 48 years old I am dealing with serious incontinence problems. I’m also simultaneously dealing with borderline bradycardia and low blood pressure. So I am back in the hospital for doctors to try and figure things out. All I want to do is break down and cry. As if this was not enough, I got a 38/50 on my topic proposal for my research for one of my classes. I was sure I had done better. I’m coming apart at the seams. Urinating is burning like fire right now. I’m really worried. I have so much vested in this master’s program and I can feel it slipping away gradually. I need to somehow get my concentration back and redouble my efforts. I’m a smart and capable person. Why am I unable to concentrate!? Where is my major malfunction!? This is something I want to do. Social Work is something I want to do. Grad school is something I want to do. Maybe I just need to revisit my study strategy a bit. 15 minutes of study and 10 minutes of break. Maybe during this difficult time period, I just need to be kinder and gentler to myself. After I pass this hurdle, I’ll make it through. I will succeed here. I will simply redouble my efforts. I will recommit to success.

It’s definitely been quite a week! I bit off a lot with this Masters in Social Work program. Even with opting out of the practicum and the co-requisite class, I have my hands full. It seems like after I complete one writing assignment, 2 more pop up like the carnival game of whack-a-mole. The days are quite long and I am finding that I need to take one day off a week, which usually happens to be a Wednesday. That day I do nothing and end up sleeping most of the day away to recover. I am reminded again that I am not in my roaring 20s anymore. But I am not really old yet either and I can handle this. I can do this. I just have to take it one day at a time and one challenge at a time. This weekend’s challenge is simply to get through two shifts of work and maybe try to do a little bit of studying while I am at it. If the studying does not happen, I am okay with that. I just cannot believe how fast the semester is going. The fifth week has already gone by. I am amazed. I am also dealing with a somewhat worrisome issue at my age. I know I should not be dealing with incontinence but I am. I’ve gotten a message out to my doctor but have not heard anything just yet. I may have to send a follow-up message via the patient portal. I am fairly certain I do not have a UTI because I don’t have any painful urination or blood in my urine so I’ve no idea what’s going on. And damnit! I forgot (again) to schedule my colonoscopy and follow-up with the hematologist. So now to set an alarm on my phone. I think I am adjusting to my new night medication pretty well. I had my psych P.A. pull me off of mirtazipine (Remeron) because of its metabolic side effects. I know that it can exacerbate blood sugar issues. Since stopping it I feel a bit better and the neuropathy in my feet seems to have lessened slightly. Walking is becoming easier now. I still clop like a horse though and I need a new pair of sneakers because the pair I have are getting worn. I know diabetics are supposed to replace shoes more often and I am finding out why. Despite being as busy as I am, I have found out that with the change in the one night time medication, I don’t get the sudden onset of crying spells for no reason. I found that happening sometimes while studying at the library. I would get this sudden intense onset of heavy depression. I mean I would just want to sit there and sob. But no thoughts precipitated the episode. It was just a sudden and crushing weight. Thankfully, I do not feel that anymore. I guess it is also noteworthy that I no longer dream anymore with this new medication. I had a completely dreamless sleep for three nights in a row. It’s simply amazing! I haven’t slept like this since I was a little boy. Literally, I have no dreams good or bad. I woke up once during the night to use the bathroom and I felt a strange sense of relief and smiled. I’m not having PTSD dreams, even mild ones. I don’t know that there is much more to say this morning other than the coming week is going to be long and hard with lots to do. Oh before I forget. I got a 100 on my first ever masters paper! That felt really good. Yes, it was only a 2 page paper but it felt like a huge accomplishment.

It’s definitely been quite a week! I bit off a lot with this Masters in Social Work program. Even with opting out of the practicum and the co-requisite class, I have my hands full. It seems like after I complete one writing assignment, 2 more pop up like the carnival game of whack-a-mole. The days are quite long and I am finding that I need to take one day off a week, which usually happens to be a Wednesday. That day I do nothing and end up sleeping most of the day away to recover. I am reminded again that I am not in my roaring 20s anymore. But I am not really old yet either and I can handle this. I can do this. I just have to take it one day at a time and one challenge at a time. This weekend’s challenge is simply to get through two shifts of work and maybe try to do a little bit of studying while I am at it. If the studying does not happen, I am okay with that. I just cannot believe how fast the semester is going. The fifth week has already gone by. I am amazed. I am also dealing with a somewhat worrisome issue at my age. I know I should not be dealing with incontinence but I am. I’ve gotten a message out to my doctor but have not heard anything just yet. I may have to send a follow-up message via the patient portal. I am fairly certain I do not have a UTI because I don’t have any painful urination or blood in my urine so I’ve no idea what’s going on. And damnit! I forgot (again) to schedule my colonoscopy and follow-up with the hematologist. So now to set an alarm on my phone. I think I am adjusting to my new night medication pretty well. I had my psych P.A. pull me off of mirtazipine (Remeron) because of its metabolic side effects. I know that it can exacerbate blood sugar issues. Since stopping it I feel a bit better and the neuropathy in my feet seems to have lessened slightly. Walking is becoming easier now. I still clop like a horse though and I need a new pair of sneakers because the pair I have are getting worn. I know diabetics are supposed to replace shoes more often and I am finding out why. Despite being as busy as I am, I have found out that with the change in the one night time medication, I don’t get the sudden onset of crying spells for no reason. I found that happening sometimes while studying at the library. I would get this sudden intense onset of heavy depression. I mean I would just want to sit there and sob. But no thoughts precipitated the episode. It was just a sudden and crushing weight. Thankfully, I do not feel that anymore. I guess it is also noteworthy that I no longer dream anymore with this new medication. I had a completely dreamless sleep for three nights in a row. It’s simply amazing! I haven’t slept like this since I was a little boy. Literally, I have no dreams good or bad. I woke up once during the night to use the bathroom and I felt a strange sense of relief and smiled. I’m not having PTSD dreams, even mild ones. I don’t know that there is much more to say this morning other than the coming week is going to be long and hard with lots to do. Oh before I forget. I got a 100 on my first ever masters paper! That felt really good. Yes, it was only a 2 page paper but it felt like a huge accomplishment.

Joel Engardio helped make traffic a lot worse in the Sunset District

I feel good this morning and ready to tackle another week as a full time master’s student. I got confirmation yesterday that I chose a good topic for exploration from my professor for Racism, Diversity, Oppression & Privilege class so that felt good. I am going to explore the following questions: When black men. women, and children go missing, why does it take society as a whole longer to find them? Why do they often not get found? It credit my girlfriend for the genesis of the idea while we were watching TV. There’s no shortage of material based on this. On Saturday (9/13), the two of us watched the first episode of a documentary on HBO called _Black and Missing_ which gave me all kinds of ideas. I watched it from an academic perspective versus an emotional one. I purposely watched it detached so I could see it from multiple angles and ask myself what resources I want to go to for statistics, publications, arguments, etc. I was thinking about the directions I wanted my research to go. There is already ample evidence of the problem. I just need to find concrete research of the problem and tie it to social work theory on a macro level and maybe show some historical context to show the root of the problem. It would probably behoove me to make recommendations for the solution and find credible research to back that up. I feel much more confident that I can find material to write this paper and really write a good one too. This new found confidence is making me feel a whole lot better. I am ready to tackle what this program brings.

I feel good this morning and ready to tackle another week as a full time master’s student. I got confirmation yesterday that I chose a good topic for exploration from my professor for Racism, Diversity, Oppression & Privilege class so that felt good. I am going to explore the following questions: When black men. women, and children go missing, why does it take society as a whole longer to find them? Why do they often not get found? It credit my girlfriend for the genesis of the idea while we were watching TV. There’s no shortage of material based on this. On Saturday (9/13), the two of us watched the first episode of a documentary on HBO called _Black and Missing_ which gave me all kinds of ideas. I watched it from an academic perspective versus an emotional one. I purposely watched it detached so I could see it from multiple angles and ask myself what resources I want to go to for statistics, publications, arguments, etc. I was thinking about the directions I wanted my research to go. There is already ample evidence of the problem. I just need to find concrete research of the problem and tie it to social work theory on a macro level and maybe show some historical context to show the root of the problem. It would probably behoove me to make recommendations for the solution and find credible research to back that up. I feel much more confident that I can find material to write this paper and really write a good one too. This new found confidence is making me feel a whole lot better. I am ready to tackle what this program brings.

Last night I had a delightful belly laugh. I haven’t had one of those in a very long time and words cannot describe the feeling at all. Denisse heard about the _South Park_ episode called _Got A Nut_ and she really wanted to see it. She never saw the series and she wanted to see it because of all the rumor and controversy surrounding it. Oh my – excuse me – fucking god was it funny! I mean the episode is so funny that I physically hurt from laughing so hard. The funnies parts of _Got A Nut_ were the parts featuring Kristi Noem dressed in ICE riot gear with her face constantly drooping and being reattached and fixed up and the parts featuring Trump’s smirking head attached to Colonel Sanders’ body. Every time the cartoonish Trump spoke his head wildly flapped and his mouth moved with such exaggeration that I was in stitches. I laughed to the point of coughing and wheezing. Yes, this was a good one. I don’t ordinarily use images in my blog entries but one was really needed here. Every time I picture this, I am done. I just hurt from laughter. _South Park_ is usually like that. They’re equal opportunity offenders – they single out everyone to offend which is why I like them very much. These days, with all of the antidepressants that I take, a show or movie has to be honest-to-odin funny for me to laugh. South Park is _still_ funny after damn near 30 years. The laugh was so good that it left me feeling better. My dreams were naturally much more relaxed and even a little goofy. I am well on my way for a research topic to submit to my professor for my class on Racism & Oppression. I feel, for once, like I am able to manage and juggle all of the balls in the air. Tonight I will enjoy the Eagles game and maybe so good food with some friends. All-in-all a good Sunday.

Last night I had a delightful belly laugh. I haven’t had one of those in a very long time and words cannot describe the feeling at all. Denisse heard about the _South Park_ episode called _Got A Nut_ and she really wanted to see it. She never saw the series and she wanted to see it because of all the rumor and controversy surrounding it. Oh my – excuse me – fucking god was it funny! I mean the episode is so funny that I physically hurt from laughing so hard. The funnies parts of _Got A Nut_ were the parts featuring Kristi Noem dressed in ICE riot gear with her face constantly drooping and being reattached and fixed up and the parts featuring Trump’s smirking head attached to Colonel Sanders’ body. Every time the cartoonish Trump spoke his head wildly flapped and his mouth moved with such exaggeration that I was in stitches. I laughed to the point of coughing and wheezing. Yes, this was a good one. I don’t ordinarily use images in my blog entries but one was really needed here. Every time I picture this, I am done. I just hurt from laughter. _South Park_ is usually like that. They’re equal opportunity offenders – they single out everyone to offend which is why I like them very much. These days, with all of the antidepressants that I take, a show or movie has to be honest-to-odin funny for me to laugh. South Park is _still_ funny after damn near 30 years. The laugh was so good that it left me feeling better. My dreams were naturally much more relaxed and even a little goofy. I am well on my way for a research topic to submit to my professor for my class on Racism & Oppression. I feel, for once, like I am able to manage and juggle all of the balls in the air. Tonight I will enjoy the Eagles game and maybe so good food with some friends. All-in-all a good Sunday.

I feel a huge sense of relief after having turned in my first grad school paper yesterday. I definitely way overthought it and obsessed too much. The damn thing was only 1.5 pages and only needed one reference cited yet I had four. Okay, I know I need to relax and take it easy. I get it. 🤣 Today my aim is to get the assigned group project completed and get a research topic for the 25 page paper I have due at the end of end of the semester. If I can get the work done on the group project and at least start on a research topic, I will be happy. I’m still aiming for that 4.0 this semester. I’m capable of it and I want it badly. Not to impress my professors but for my own satisfaction because I am capable of this. I want that dean’s list. Plus, I could get preferential federal employment with the superior academic achievement program if I have a GPA greater than a 3.5. I might want to work for the VA after I graduate because I care about veterans. By the time I graduate, I think politically things will be more stable. Trump will be out of office and/or dead. I am willing to bet we will have shifted to more progressive thinking. We may be better off all around. At least here is to hoping. I wouldn’t choose social work as a career if I did not have hope.

I feel a huge sense of relief after having turned in my first grad school paper yesterday. I definitely way overthought it and obsessed too much. The damn thing was only 1.5 pages and only needed one reference cited yet I had four. Okay, I know I need to relax and take it easy. I get it. 🤣 Today my aim is to get the assigned group project completed and get a research topic for the 25 page paper I have due at the end of end of the semester. If I can get the work done on the group project and at least start on a research topic, I will be happy. I’m still aiming for that 4.0 this semester. I’m capable of it and I want it badly. Not to impress my professors but for my own satisfaction because I am capable of this. I want that dean’s list. Plus, I could get preferential federal employment with the superior academic achievement program if I have a GPA greater than a 3.5. I might want to work for the VA after I graduate because I care about veterans. By the time I graduate, I think politically things will be more stable. Trump will be out of office and/or dead. I am willing to bet we will have shifted to more progressive thinking. We may be better off all around. At least here is to hoping. I wouldn’t choose social work as a career if I did not have hope.