“If I get civil servants to suffer enough from their performance appraisals, the Dark Lord will grant me the power to not repulse women anymore,” claimed OPM Director Vought.

“If there is one thing I know laid off CDC employees yearn for, it’s that they yearn for the mines,” claimed Jackson.

The evidence comes as the nation’s top public health agency responds to a potential leak of deadly Plague in Russia

“I still won’t apologize - I am not wrong despite being wrong,” says Senator Eric Schmidt.

The comments came at a corporate sponsored event on ways A.I. could benefit the government and particularly benefit A.I. companies.

“Rocks are an effective supplement” claims RFK Jr.

“They couldn’t walk right away and couldn’t wield the regular human Qla’rax,” explained Vance.

“Who is running this monkey farm, and I wanna know what the fuck they are doing with my time” stated Kennedy.

CDC employees will be able to use the big kids' potty and stay up past their bedtime per Dr. Erica Schwartz’ efforts, by J.J. Walter

“This is more important that lettuce that makes you shit ,” claims Kennedy.

“This is what this fucking country needs, man,” said one scientist focused on new Doritos flavor research.

The Weekly Needle sat down to discuss measles, her ideas for leading the agency, a d how she is responding to major outbreaks.

“We want to match FBI’s new rigorous recruiting standards,” claims CDC’s Schwartz.

The latest defiance is the newest clash between the courts and the alleged being known as RFK Jr., by J.J. Walter

The latest defiance is the newest clash between the courts and the alleged being known as RFK Jr., by J.J. Walter

Kennedy’s appearance as the keynote speaker at the Children’s Defense Fund conference this week will focus on how government can help save children from living long lives.

“RFK Jr. is doing a great job” claims Measles.

“I am at the steering wheel and I can’t wait to learn how to drive this thing off a cliff,” claims Dr. Schwartz

New GTA VI game details reveal how getting vaccinated will impact players’ decisions to not die from vaccine-preventable diseases.

Investigators are looking into where all the squirrels have gone, and why several squirrels appear to have bite marks of a 71-year-old man.

RFK Jr, the health secretary, has suggested CDC Director’s role is “fabricated” while the CDC claimed it was reviewing if Schwartz is the Director.

“We need to find the guy behind this,” demands Secretary Kennedy.

The fight is causing major tension between HHS and locals who just want to get their coffee

The release of McConnell’s corpse fuels speculation about the Senator’s health.

A popular computer game from the 90’s is being pulled from shelves due to links to dysentery.

Senator Cassidy expressed “concern” about the changes that alleged him of being a “punk ass spineless bitch”.

Senator McConnell has decided to leave the Senate for the “less corrupt career path” of being in the mafia, per his office

“Avoid super processed foods like spinach, stick with foods that aren’t processed like creatine,” says RFK Jr

“I cried all night into my Jay [Bhattacharya] body pillow” claimed one employee

The Trump Administration tries everything at its disposal to stop the spread of happiness associated with the World Cup.

“I can now point to M&M’s and say to myself ‘I am a big important man, I am not a failure’ in the mirror,” says Kennedy.

New grant applications must be submitted in crayon and remove complex jargon like numbers.

“He isn’t actively decomposing, stop asking,” says communications spokesman Andrew Nixon.

“I really need to stop accidentally pressing that thing,” states God.

“I need every CDC hand on deck so I can find my keys,” says Acting CDC Director Bhattacharya

Louisiana officials warn the public of a reported case of karma that was first documented over the weekend.

WASHINGTON, DC - A local bird family has put out a public plea to RFK Jr to release a member of their family, after a viral image of RFK Jr holding a bird he claimed he “rescued” spread across the int...

PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC - Local cockroach Gregor Samsa woke up Thursday morning to discover he had been transformed into a hideous copy of US Health and Human Services Secretary RFK

WASHINGTON, DC - After news broke yesterday that the US State Department is issuing a limited series of passports featuring President Trump’s face, HHS Secretary RFK Jr announce this morning he plans ...

Earlier this month, The Washington Post broke the news that Dr.

WASHINGTON, DC - American service members will no longer be required to wash their hands after making a “giant dookie, giant mud pie, and a post-hangover poop run” under a new Defense Department polic...

WASHINGTON, DC - Office of Management and Budget Director Russ Vought testified Wednesday in front of the House of Representatives to demonstrate the “positive” impact that cutting USAID had on the Am...

The Trump Administration helps solve the Autism crisis, prompting scientists who spent decades trying to better understand this condition to rip their hair out by Deasora Brightbuster

WASHINGTON, DC - After sharing a now-infamous and bizarre video of HHS Secretary Kennedy.

Washington, DC - After a damning report about the state of HHS staff morale from the Partnership of Public Service, HHS Secretary Robert Kennedy Jr.

ATLANTA, GA - CDC has issued new guidance for its staff about engaging in long, passionate, makeout sessions with individuals outside the agency and is requiring all staff to submit proposed makeout s...

Opinions from contributing writers do not necessarily reflect the views of The Weekly Needle, and we continue to strive to include all perspectives at our satire news site.

WASHINGTON, DC - As measles cases continues to rise and the nation faces the real prospect of losing its measles elimination status, a visibly frustrated HHS Secretary RFK appeared on Fox New Wednesda...