iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Why do I allow myself to be consumed by life that is only malignant? Why don’t I let in the beautiful part of it, instead? When, what, when, why? ~ Elveda (1/4/25)

Do the conflicting feelings of when life begins, ever go away? When will it be my turn to receive love just as much as I give it away? Why do I give so much love away?

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When will I accept the battles I’ve won, and be proud of them? What about the battles I’ve lost, and the lessons they taught? When will I embrace love and cherish it? Does it come naturally?

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When will it be my turn? My turn to feel beautiful in the mirror I stand in front of. My turn to love the imperfections that grace my body.

I mourn myself, for I haven’t been me. I’ve been someone else. ~ Elveda (12/6/24)

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Instead, I watch my life be lived through others. My own goals and dreams being in the palms of others… while they’re still out of reach for me. No matter how tall the handle, it will always be out of reach. My fingers will always slightly graze the edge.

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For I believe, that I am not me. I live the life of someone else, stuck in a body I didn’t ask for, and a fruitless life that doesn’t accept my hardships as goals.

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I mourn the person I didn’t know, never met, nor understood. I mourn the person I should be. I live in this feeling of uncertainty, always questioning every idea, thought, action, and word, that’s escaped me.

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I miss who I was, or maybe who I was supposed to be. Each passing second doesn’t feel authentic, like I’m not in the right spot, or I’m not the right person.

I've counted down the days, not out of excitement, but out of fear. The fear of losing myself, for the idea of less pain. ~ Elveda (9/25/24)

I won’t be able to play at Tucker’s height. I won’t be able to sit in hot baths or hot tubs - the worst part. I won’t be able to spend holidays on two feet.

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All of the idea of less pain. Indeterminate, less pain. I won’t see my crazy Hoshi family every day. I won’t be able to roll on the floor with Yoon and Angel, and attempt my hand at playing with Hobi.

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Never mind the few crazy and fun days with my family. Never mind the days outside playing with the dogs or inside with the cats. I'm losing a piece of myself.

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Never mind walking and working. Never mind the Sundays I spent with my wonderful coworkers -- friends, whom I love dearly. Never mind the enjoyment of walking downtown Evansville.

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Knowing exactly how this feels, knowing how I felt. To me, I'm leaving behind everything I've known for the last few years. Never mind stupidly dancing with Atiana and singing like maniacs.

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Is it worth it? Working my ass off to go to college overseas but ultimately having to change that plan, not once but twice. Is it worth it? Losing my independence. Is it worth it?

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All for something I have twice experienced. All for the trade of less pain. Is it worth it? The touch of my thigh feeling less like Novocain.

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The question of whether or not this was the best choice, echoes in my head at every gruesome second. To me, I'm leaving behind everything I know and worked hard for.

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Unfortunately, the time has come. I’m forced to open a chapter I believed to have closed years ago.

I tried to keep my chin up, and I will continue to try, but I am so much weaker now. I’m filled with disappointment, sadness, but at least very little regret. I want to be proud of myself, but I have nothing to be proud of. Hopefully one day my hard work will turn into something I imagined. ~Elveda

It is probably October by the time all of you read this, that means I’m in a wheelchair, far away from the physical and mental places I wanted to be. It’s hard to keep going when everything you worked hard for, doesn’t work out.

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I then decided I would at least go to college during recovery, because I am once again having another big surgery, but surgery was scheduled 4 days before my college start date, so even that is cast aside for now.

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2024 did not go the way I worked hard for. March came and went. I graduated early for the sole purpose of going to Korea in March — if not for college, than to visit. However, neither of those options happened. I guess that card fell out of my deck.

I’m not afraid of another physically and mentally exhausting surgery. I’m afraid of losing myself and what I’ve fought for. It’s like I’m at war, battling between physical pain, and emotional pain. But I just want to be at peace. ~ Elveda (6/29/24)

Who would’ve thought I’d be having the same surgery I had 6 years ago, once again. I surely didn’t. It has disgusting timing as well, almost taking my dreams right from my palm to throw them elsewhere.

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Always worrying about my future, one I should’ve known I wouldn’t have any control in. Am I a failure or am I just failing? A restless thought as I relive the same chapters in my life. A chapter I once closed at 13, reopened years later.

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The feeble quiver that rests across my body has almost become a permanent feature, never allowing me peace. I’m exhausted, to put simply. Tired.

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The things I used to enjoy no longer giving me the dopamine I crave. It’s like my world is at a halt but the earth keeps spinning. It has no time to stop for me.

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🌾 Time is a virtue. At least that’s what I’d like to think. My ghost of yesterday taunting me for today’s exhaustion. An endless cycle that repeats by day.