a box. just a box, sitting there like it didn't know what it meant to me. inside it: the controller i'm not gonna pretend i played it cool. i did not play it cool. i made noises a grown man should probably keep to himself. we back, babyyyyyyy. {decompress} is waking up it's been quiet over here on the decks.

so. it's been a few days. the kind where the sun goes up and down and up again and you can't fully account for where any of it went. most of it went into guerz.lol. i stayed up all night tearing the home page apart. like, all night all night. and i'm not even mad about it. the bold thing…

blog title speaks for itself. do yall'selves a favor, and give it a listen. ya welcome ^_^

i haven’t posted since a week ago today mainly due to how down i’ve been feeling about the imminent eviction. it has basically rendered me inert. i haven’t been sleeping much. i haven’t been studying much. i haven’t been exercising much. i haven’t been feeling too much. this week’s and this morning’s Spravato (Esketamine) treatments have had me dialed up in dosage which i feel like couldn’t have aligned at a better time than now when all seems to be crumbling, because both sessions had me wrestling with some intense emotions about the current state of affairs.

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typing this from the waiting room before my spravato treatment, which feels like the exact right place to be writing a post like this. let's just get into it: i've been having fits of rage. actual fits. not "ugh i'm frustrated" — i mean eight holes in the wall in one night kind of rage. i'm not proud of it. my mom's scared of me and scared for me, and neither of those sit well.

okay so unlike last time, this one's a good post. i promise. mostly. so first things first: i’ll be adding more tonight. if ANYTHING catches your eye, leave a comment or email me at: nickguerz@gmail.com and let's get the unpleasant part out of the way fast because i genuinely don't want to dwell on it today: i've had a short fuse lately.

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Learning full-stack web development in public. Build archives, coursework, experiments, and notes from Guerz.

soooo. uh. hi. i wish this was one of those little "i rebuilt a project and the fonts are cute and i'm kinda proud of myself" posts. i really do. instead, i am sitting here staring down the very real possibility of homelessness, trying to turn my life into a bunch of folders, phone numbers, checklists, storage boxes, and terrifying adult questions i should apparently know how to ask even though i'm pretty sure nobody hands you the "congratulations, your housing situation is imploding!" starter pack at 18, 28, 38, or honestly ever.

i am on my way to Spravato right now, and I cannot wait. It has been a week, which is apparently long enough for every loose thread in my life to decide it wants to become a noose. I have spent the last stretch trying to keep a dozen things moving at once: housing uncertainty, paperwork, phone calls, a DMV trip, money pressure, and the slow, weird labor of trying to turn records into listings before the floor drops out from under me.

soooo. uh. hi. i wish this was one of those little “i rebuilt a project and the fonts are cute and i’m kinda proud of myself” posts. i really do. instead, i am sitting here staring down the very real possibility of homelessness, trying to turn my life into a bunch of folders, phone numbers, checklists, storage boxes, and terrifying adult questions i should apparently know how to ask even though i’m pretty sure nobody hands you the…

Check out our shop on Discogs, the biggest online music marketplace in the world, and add some gems to your collection!

soooo i suppose i may have been awake for more than three full days by the time last night rolled around. that’s my best educated guess considering objects and the environment in my plain view are beginning to warp and distort. 🫪 and colors seem to be unusually louder than i know them to normally be. it felt almost as if i’ve taken a half tab of acid, well, minus any of the fun parts.

the heavy weight of imminent eviction continues to tighten it's grip around my soul... last night, i spent a fairly large chunk of it sifting through the crates of my vinyl collection, divvying into groups the ones i'm intending to list on Discogs. i sorted them based on presumed value, presumed rarity, and eyeballed condition grading. i'm gonna start off with going through the ones i feel may price high + could have a higher demand than the rest of what i have.

GoFundMe — Help Liz(Mama) and Guerz Prevent EVICTION 😟 Beautiful Mama Guerz 🥰 let me start things off by saying: please, PLEASE, if somebody, ANYBODY happens to read this in time, my mom and i could really use a helping hand or too in this abysmally trying time. i'll let what she had wrote in the GoFundMe post below here:

tunes & studying till the laundry's done (so... all day) ☼→☾ · html/css + guerz.lol · !sr for song requests ♪ | Streaming music.

so today was just... off. i can feel it in my body, that low hum of not-quite-right. and if i'm being honest with myself it's probably the news from yesterday still parked in my chest like a stone i haven't figured out where to set down yet. heavy shit landed. i'm not gonna get into the whole of it right now, but it's the kind of thing that a year ago would've folded me clean in half.

yesterday morning, i had my second Spravato (Esketamine) treatment. a whole lot of goodness again this go around. i decided not to bring my blanket this time; one less thing to lug around. this time i did remembered to bring my headphones which was nice. i just put on Spotify and put on a non-lyrical, chill mix and let…

so, first Spravato (Esketamine) treatment yesterday, and oh boi! just, oh, boi! 🙃 my mind feels cracked open! it feels as if flood gates have been opened, or rather it feels like there has been a blockage in the system and everything is flowing as it should have been all these years all along. i can think a lot more clearer.

i had a rather peculiar ending to a very dramatic, vivid dream last night dreaming a very, very prolonged period of time, something that happens quite often to me that always takes me a while to shake out what is reality and what i dreamt. what stood out last night especially is that it played out as if it was a intense, suspenseful mystery movie and i was uncovering clues.

bright, sunny, breeze, not sweltering, gorgeous day out today! live as i type this at twitch.tv/guerz back into a swing of streaming pretty much everyday which is nice. and even tho i can’t dj anymore cuz i don’t have a controller nor any studio monitors, i make due with what i have and still am able to listen to endless music, and now i can study all the while!

first of all, let me start this post with a DISCLAIMER: if you're reading this and it's anywhere near the time of this post (9:00PM EST), come by stream and chill! i'm jamming to genre-fluid tunes while i continue studying: writing up index cards to tape to my wall, running tutor script prompts with Coach Gee (ChatGPT), doing some light reading in between during my breaks, and cold chilliiiiin'!

today was yet AGAIN another pretty fucking good day if i say so myself! ^_^ well... aside from the very beginning lol the fucking medical transportation service completely dropped the ball again, ugh, that's twice in a row now that they are at fault for me missing my first Spravato (esketamine) appointment. this time, they decided to cancel my ride.

had another off day yesterday. idk why it’s been happening a lot recently, but today i slipped back into the groove pretty easily and quickly. guerz-one-year-ago wouldn’t have been able to bounce back so quickly, and that matters and means quite a lot. today has mostly been about writing up more index cards for CSS, taking up more real estate on the wall in front of my desk.

so i know i said in the last post i was getting back into the swing off things. and as it wasn’t entirely false, it seems as though that more accurately that it’s been more at a pace of “slowly but surely”. for the past week and a half, for whatever reasons, i just fell out of rhythm with everything and went dark.

fell off for a few days, ugh… getting back into the groove. let’s kick things off with a little progress report. a handful of updates first and foremost, i updated a lot of guerz.lol i added of banners, one per page. they all have a very Wipe Out-esque vibe to them. i also got rid of the black borders that were on all of the boxes, so both the boxes and the border shadows pop way more.

if somebody, anybody, out there is reading this, i'd love a second opinion, third opinion would be nice fourth or even twelfth would be great, but i won't get my hopes up lol. i've done a few changes to the layout, both here blogguerz and over at my homepage guerz.lol the blogguerz here at blogguerz, i'm trying out a new title font which i gotta say i was unsure of at first, but the more and more i visit this page, it's growing on me.

finished out the entire Basic HTML portion of my fCC Build Archive today. thirteen builds, all commented, all shipped to guerz.lol that section's officially closed. really cruised through them today which. is a nice feeling to know that all of that material had stuck and it came very natural to me fucking FLEW through 5 of the builds throughout the afternoon.

skipped yesterday. nothing really happened, and i've decided that's a valid reason not to post. today though, today had some things in it. a month of pixels mostly down pour rain all of late last night into this afternoon. then humid, gross. that said, it was an entirely indoors type day. had my therapy appointment at noon, and told my therapist i've been logging every single day in…

🔔 shipped a new page on guerz.lol today — an about page, plus a whole pass of context updates across the site. more on that below. the controller that wasn't spent a chunk of today digging through a half dozen boxes looking for my PS4 controller. did not find it. but, i did find my Nintendo Switch controller instead, which — turns out — works totally fine over Bluetooth for…

i wrote most of this last night on a walk and meant to give it one more pass when i got home as per usual. then i got home and adhd brain kicked in and, well, i completely forgot i had hands, apparently. so it sat in drafts, and now it gets to be one post instead of two, which honestly works better, because the thing i was angry about last night is the thing i finished today.

studying w/ tunes, podcasts, AND song requests ALWAYS! Show me wut ur listening to!! • !sr | Streaming music.

the guided meditation came first today, which is not how i usually stack things, but nothing about today went in the usual order. i've been trying to get used to meditating outside instead of waiting around for some perfect silent room that is never going to exist in this apartment. so i went back to the park and sat there with everything happening at once.

that's the headline. that's the whole fucking thing. everything else is footnotes. the body first wake and shake. core. hamstrings. three things. done before the day got its hooks in me. and i've been walking all damn day. multiple walks. bouncing Raquelle through puddles like a maniac. started jogging again yesterday and did a little more of it today. two days of light jogging.

guerz leans back in his chair Guerz: so raquelle, you're back from the walk looking... completely different. blue. white marks. what happened out there? raquelle sits perfectly still Raquelle: i was due for a refresh. guerz gestures at her, a little frantic Guerz: due for — you went out dark and came back looking like a planet. did the puddles do that?

today was a smaller day, but a good one. after yesterday's fight with anki, i needed something that felt like it was actually working. Anki, round two did three fifteen-minute Anki sessions today, forty five minutes total. not a marathon, but consistent, and after yesterday's meltdown, consistent is the win. moving the body yoga plus a real workout today — …

today has honestly been one of the roughest days i've had in quite a while. i've been carrying around a backbreaking amount of anger mixed with depression, and it's made it incredibly difficult to focus on anything. everything feels heavier than it should. even simple tasks feel exhausting. i'm trying my best to keep moving because sitting around feeling sorry for myself isn't going to solve anything, but today has definitely tested me.

guerz.lol has a projects tab now. an actual one. not a "coming soon" ghost link. not a placeholder div with good intentions and nothing behind it. a real, click-on-it-and-things-load page. the idea behind it i split everything two ways. cold builds FCC (freeCodeCamp) workshops, labs, & cert projects cold builds are stuff i coded from memory. zero hand-holding. no tutorial open in another tab.

when i woke up today, it was one of those days where you wake up already fucking drained. not just sleepy. heavy. the kind of tired where it feels like you already burned through all your energy before your feet even hit the floor. like you’re spawning into the day with half a health bar and no potions. i slept through most of the day.

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i was bouncing Raquelle, clumsily, in the dead of a moonless night. she clipped my foot and started rolling away faster than a bad decision with downhill momentum. i watched her vanish under a car like she had a secret appointment with the gutter. i spent the next two minutes searching for her, much to my chagrin. no luck.