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Alyssa Gonzalez

@fishlyssa.bsky.social

167 followers 77 following 71 posts

Author, writer, and enthusiast for all lifeforms. bio.site/alyssacgonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 02/09/2025

Every time someone learns the etymology of "galaxy" they're awed anew at the breast-focusedness of the human race and I'm just here like, listen, the word comes from ancient Greece. We are LUCKY milk is the fluid they latched onto for this one.

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 18/06/2025

I describe the act of peeling the bark off a tree with a wood planer as preparation for eating that entire tree and this man begs me to perform that act on his genitals. It's amazing. www.patreon.com/posts/ill-ea...

I'll Eat Your Tree | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 08/06/2025

I can think of better uses for a gorgeous June morning than a lingerie photoshoot on my balcony, but this is the one I picked. Enjoy :) www.patreon.com/posts/sunlig...

Sunlight in Green | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 08/06/2025

The barrel shrimp has quite the secret when it comes to parenting. Inquire within. www.patreon.com/posts/to-bor...

To Borrow an Unseen Nursery: Phronima | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 16/05/2025

Interested in my thoughts on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? I'm in this fine book of essays by ATBPublishing.com :D Pre-order yours today!

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 11/05/2025

What am I wearing under my lab coat during this session of aquarium maintenance? I bet you'd like to see. www.patreon.com/posts/mainta...

Maintaining the Wet | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 26/04/2025

They told Pete Hegseth not to try to run Doom on his Tesla-issue brainchip, so he ran War Thunder instead.

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 26/04/2025

I hope whichever necromancer intern resurrected RFK Jr. in 2008 knows that the new chapter on just how wrongly a person can come back is being written because of them specifically.

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 26/04/2025

One day, we will find the haunted doll abattoir that disgorged JD Vance, and we will make sure there is no second body available for his soul to claim.

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 07/04/2025

We talk about mono-poly relationships all wrong, in ways that fly in the face of how we talk about nonmonogamy elsewhere. www.patreon.com/posts/we-tal...

We Talk About Mono-Poly Relationships All Wrong | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 31/03/2025

I reviewed the current Conservative Party of Canada platform. Here are the most awful bits quoted directly out of it. The character limit here is too low for my tastes, so head on over to www.facebook.com/fishlyssa/po...

Alyssa Gonzalez

For the curious, this link leads to the most recent Conservative Party of Canada policy statement. Page references below are to actual pages in the document, not the internal pagination. Page 14:...

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 04/03/2025

Every time someone describes something as "meant" for/to something, there should be one question at the top of your mind: Meant by whom?

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 26/02/2025

A medieval wine merchant from Vienna, aghast: "So my profession AND my demonym?" "Yes, both of them." "Because of sausage?" "Yes."

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 10/02/2025

You don't want to live in Miami. Take it from me. www.patreon.com/posts/you-do...

You Don't Want to Live in Miami | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 03/02/2025

I wear red bikinis sometimes. www.patreon.com/posts/winter...

Winter Heat | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 23/01/2025

Optimus Prime is a truck that turns into a giant red, white, and blue robot with a gun, a habit of heroically sacrificing himself and resurrecting, and a catchphrase about freedom. He is the most American thing imaginable that isn't a bald eagle who sprouts beefy arms after eating cheeseburgers.

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 09/01/2025

Excellent out-of-context line from fish hobby groups: "You can order assassins on eBay for a reasonable price."

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 09/01/2025

As I pour my Rochester-brand Scottish root ginger into my ginger and sorrel tea and contemplate stirring in some powdered ginger, and remember the multiple boxes of Celebration-brand chocolate gingerbread cookies I inhaled this week, I get to thinking... I sure do like cilantro.

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 02/01/2025

"How Far the Light Reaches: A Life in Ten Sea Creatures" by Sabrina Imbler. I had thoughts. www.patreon.com/posts/how-fa...

How Far the Light Reaches: A Review | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 19/12/2024

Jordan Peterson is the physical manifestation of Ben Shapiro attempting to sext.

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 18/12/2024

In our cyberpunk future, "child evangelism" refers to a religion centered on making gel from orphans named Evan.

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 11/12/2024

In which a man speaks to me of lambs, and I oblige him most confusingly. www.patreon.com/posts/mutton...

The Mutton of Our Salvation | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 08/12/2024

The funniest thing that could happen in relation to current events is Timothee Chalemet transitioning tomorrow, and then ten years from now, Tiffanee Chalemet tells us that she did in that United Health CEO as Timothee's last hurrah.

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 07/12/2024

Beetles and butterflies can be spectacular, but they are not the whole story, and seeing the bigger picture shows us something about time. the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/...

The Larva Is What Time Sees • The Perfumed Void

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 26/11/2024

The Poly Podcast interviewed me :) Enjoy wherever you enjoy your podcasts. open.spotify.com/episode/0Yrd...

open.spotify.com

Neurodiversity And Non-Monogamy feat. Alyssa Gonzalez

The Poly (Pod)Cast · Episode

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 16/11/2024

Just got today's scam caller to call me a "cock-suck" and claim "I fucked your wife nine times." He then hung up on me in a huff when I responded, "Hot! I'll have to ask her about it."

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 16/11/2024

"It's the darnedest thing. I punched him and his entire body exploded into Tysons-brand frozen chicken nuggets." - stories from a better world.

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 16/11/2024

It is disgraceful that I didn't wake up to news of Mike Tyson cleanly decapitating whichever Paul brother that was in a single punch.

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 12/11/2024

I described this man's penis as a hedgehog wrapped in soggy bacon. He came back for more. www.patreon.com/posts/hamste...

Hamsterdumper Needs Help Putting a Beaver in his Urethra | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 11/11/2024

A summery treat for my Patreon lovelies :) Enjoy! www.patreon.com/posts/one-la...

One Last Vacation Shoot | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 21/08/2024

Carling Avenue is the worst, but it could be among the best. And I wish the pedestrians giving me shit for cycling here understood that. www.patreon.com/posts/sidewa...

Sidewalk Shares and the Curse that is Carling Avenue | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 12/08/2024

I got this chaser to sext with a side of beef and then come back for more. www.patreon.com/posts/captai...

Captain Beefchaser Doesn't Pay the Parker | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 20/07/2024

Behold, the natural history of an AI-image-engine abomination. Enjoy. www.patreon.com/posts/natura...

Natural History of the Lady Centipede | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 07/07/2024

I talked to this man about boils for 15 minutes and still he lusted for me. Men are not sending their best to my inbox specifically. www.patreon.com/posts/my-pri...

My Prince of Boils | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 12/06/2024

I got crabs :D the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/... Enjoy this story of setting up my new riparium.

Paludarium 3: Return of the Crab • The Perfumed Void

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 05/06/2024

Sometimes, I get my rocks off by antagonizing missionaries in public places. It's SUCH a good way to blow off steam. Here's a summary of my last encounter. www.patreon.com/posts/missio...

Missionaries in the Park | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 17/05/2024

Ottawa public transit needs to stop making me walk in the rain. It'd be so easy, and yet. the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/...

Transit Stations to Insult and Dampen, or, Stop Making Me Walk in the Rain • The Perfumed Void

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 15/05/2024

When an obnoxious missionary calling himself "Gesus Qkrist" appears in your inbox, you know what must be done. www.patreon.com/posts/gesus-...

Gesus Qkrist! | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 13/05/2024

Sorry for the holdup, my friends; it's been a profoundly rough month. Enjoy :) www.patreon.com/posts/sassy-...

A Sassy Little Dress | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 25/04/2024

I finally know how to make ropa vieja and my Cuban-descended heart rejoices. www.patreon.com/posts/ropa-v...

Ropa Vieja, Alyssa Style | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 16/04/2024

I used some excellent lines on this rando and also compared his genitals to brutalized marine mammals. Enjoy. www.patreon.com/posts/apocal...

The Apocalypse of My Hands Shall Ruin Your Supine Flesh | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 11/04/2024

Bikini goodness for the fans :) You know who you are. www.patreon.com/posts/sun-an...

Sun and More Sun | Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 28/03/2024

I've been antagonizing the random men in my Facebook and Instagram inboxes for a long time. Here's what I've learned about the internet's horny underbelly. www.patreon.com/posts/rando-...

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 25/03/2024

A detective is solving a murder in a sperm bank. She gestures to a vial and instructs the crime scene investigators, "get a guy of this load."

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 25/03/2024

Send the group chat something utterly cursed during a post-wholesome lull. Call that a palate soiler.

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 21/03/2024

This random Algerian man is desperate to marry a fungus monster that is also, somehow, the last queen of Hungary (who died in 1989) and a rabid Hungarian irredentist. He also sent his queen a lot of dick pics. Enjoy. www.patreon.com/posts/queen-...

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 15/03/2024

The great thing about organic chemistry is that you have a cabinet of 500 kinds of white powder and another cabinet of 30 kinds of transparent liquid and if you mix any of them up they have to evacuate the building.

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Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 10/03/2024

A beachy little cosplay treat for my patrons :) Get the rest of this photoshoot and all my past and future shoots for $1/month. www.patreon.com/posts/sun-sa...

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 13/02/2024

"Sorry sorry sorry, awkwardness comes with the territory." "Hi. I'm the territory."

Alyssa Gonzalez @fishlyssa.bsky.social · 11/02/2024

I did a boudoir photoshoot recently and it seemed like a suitably gift for my patrons. Enjoy! www.patreon.com/posts/profes...

Professional Boudoir | Alyssa Gonzalez

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