iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

No more relapsing, no more cutting because the thoughts grew too loud, too incessant. No more. No more of me not taking practice what I preach. Not this time, no. Maybe not ever again.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

I have shears for bigger problems, smaller sewing scissors for smaller things, dull blades that shouldn't harm me unless I make a mistake. Part of me doesn't want to just cast them aside, so I won't. Ill give them to a dear friend, one I trust to keep and hide them from me.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

The thought angles and nibbles and bites, "what if I need them again, for art, for something, for myself?" I dont. I dont Need them. If I need to cut something, i have scissors. I need not these exacto blades I have kept covet so long.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

More to recover from than drugs and smoke and the like. A habit is a crutch, a blade is a choice, a knife brings a wound welling up eventually, as I have proven time and time and time and time again. Ive thrown them out before, but I replaced them in due time. I can't do that again.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

I crave more than just the winds of change and chance and courage. I crave the land I once thought myself incapable of willingly returning unto. I want to grow, to change, to move past this. Theres more than one kind of addiction, more than just substances.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

I did it then, I did it before, can I not do so again? Jump the rift between complacency and change? I crave new tides, more than absolution. I crave more than crumbs of divinity. I crave more than the idea of devotion.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

Isn't that what im preaching to the person I respect more than anything? Am I not encouraging change? A shift in the scales? Do i, too, not also crave change? Do I, too, not also want to be better than my current self? Ive she'd my past before, turned the tide before, haven't i?

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

If im gonna cheer someone on, then I've gotta be willing to make the same types of choices im encouraging them to make. If im gonna cheer them towards recovery, ive gotta be willing to actually recover. It feels almost impossible, but, I want to be better. Do better

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

Bad way to find a missing needle: barefoot, having forgotten that I lost that needle months ago Good news: found it Bad news: stabbed toe, ow

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 09/10/2026

Honestly, your art is one of the prettiest things in the world. Always makes my days better to see you didnt just post a text thread but art too

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

I think im drowning. Or is that just reality?

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

I think im drowning, but then I wake up and breath and im fine.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

I think im drowning, I could swear I am. Death is knocking, but im not sure im supposed to answer yet.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

I think im drowning, I remember how it feels to sink in water that pulls and holds tight what breath it steals.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

I think im drowning, im awake and im not. Despair is keeping me longer and longer, hope failing to claw back a victory from my vile keeper.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

I think im drowning, with every promise I dont keep, with every time someone lies or forgets or doesn't answer back.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

I think im drowning, every day a little deeper, sinking and drifting and floating. Falling further from memory, and deeper into nightmarish symphony.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

I think im drowning, slowly, unrefined. The pull of the abyss, with clawed hands and a masochistic smirk, feels more and more like a call from beyond the edge of despair than a sirens call from the grave.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

We struck first. It wants to see us all suffer. Even if so many of us dont deserve such a tragic fate. We're just casualties on the side of it getting even with its killers.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

Mute myself if it would give the pain pause. But mercy isn't for those like me, now is it? Why the fuck would the world be kind, when its so much more well known for cruelty unto its keepers and miners? Why give mercy to a plague? Why be kind to your killers? Of course the world wouldn't be.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

If gods were real, surely one would hav3 tried to help by now, right? To fix something like this, to try, just because someone asked? Begged and pleaded for help? Pain, the one thing I can't escape, the one thing I can't stand. I'd blind myself if it meant the pain would cease.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

I want to scream, to pierce the silence, to burn it all down. To throttle the world for making me broken, for making me flawed in the wrong sort of way. How could a world do this to me? I didnt do anything to deserve this, did I? Things like this are how I know God is dead, if he ever existed.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

Theres a new pain, again, because of course there's a new fucking pain. Of course my non dominant arm is the one affected this time, why wouldn't it be my left? My shoulder blades ache and pulse and breathing hurts and gabapentin does fuckall

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

Ive genuinely forgotten what it feels like not to hurt, and part of me is almost scared that ill wake up and not hurt and that's that'll tip me off that somethings wrong. Because if the pain stops, then im not me. Because if the pain stops, am I still alive?

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

Everytime, every ancient be damned time, its a lie. My arm hurts, my legs hurt, my hip hurts, my head is pulsing, im shattering like glass, im trapped in a body that hates me specifically. Even breathing hurts these days. Sometimes even thinking cause me to hurt more.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

Sometimes, im fine, im great, im having a g ood day and then my leg gives out from under me. And I have to stop myself from crashing to the floor in a public mall or similar locals. People ask me if im ok and I lie, everytime, I lie. I'm fine. I'm ok. No worries! Ill be fine just a moment!

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

Fibromyalgia is the one medical problem I know far too much about for how young I am. Ive had it longer than my mother, or most people I've met who have it, or worse yet, might have it. It keeps me awake at night sometimes, other times it shoves me violently awake, refusing to let me stay asleep.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 08/10/2026

Pain is the one thing, the one thing that has been a constant for over a decade of my life now. The one thing that refuses to change, to pause to let me go in some way, shape or form. The place of the pain shifts, moves, the intensity varies, but the pain is always, always, always there.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

For art or something later? What if I need them to relapse again? Its hell, its... I really should just throw them away. But as I said, what if I need them for an art project later? What if? And that scares me, that addiction might win somehow bc my brain is against me. But im trying to quit. So r u

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

The tragedy of the truth is that I want to be better but my mind keeps dragging me back. I keep reminding myself that I dont need the blades anymore, that I should toss them, but another part of me worries I do need them. Its that part of my brain that keeps winning, bc what if I need those blades

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

It happens to the best of us, regardless of where or when or how we are, anything can happen. Pushing thru is, honestly hard as fuck. I may not be addicted to substances, but I am addicted to self harm. I keep relapsing, and its hard to not want to keep at it.

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Not sure how to prove it, but im definitely insane to some degree. Afterall, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Not sure if I want different results or not, just doing the same shit and watching me crash and burn the same

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 06/10/2026

Oh oof, quitting addictions is always hard. Even scaling back can be difficult, but putting in the effort is still commendable. Know your limits and try to keep to the ones you know aren't just lines in the sand

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

I was devastated when I couldn't find ur posts. I went here to distract myself and refound u by chance. Was so fucking relieved. Whatever ur doing, I support. I too, am socially awkward as fuck

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 05/10/2026

People r hard to interact 😕 with anyways, just be u and if they run that's on them for sucking and having no taste

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

Nah, happens to the best of us. We all have those moments. To each they own

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Figmented @figmented-rose.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

As long as ur posting, no matter the typos, I will read it and love the entire post. Ur posts are better than drugs, I swear

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